#dopevegans

IT'S 4/20 BITCHES --- ROCK THE FUCK ON. 

EAT THIS SHIT.

Seriously motherfuckers, chocolate does NOT cause acne, pimples, or any skin issues. It does the fucking opposite.

Back in high school, I used to fucking think that shit did, so I didn't eat chocolate for months on end, only to find out LATER that it had nothing to fuckin do with it. Moron. SMH.  This dark chocolate is 100% dairy-fuckin-free. Certified dope vegan. What you'll need & How to make this shit right at home:

1 scoop of cocoa powder & 1/2 scoop of cocoa nips. Pour it into a bowl. (so many anti-fuckin-oxidants & flavonoids, the ultimate fucking fighters against diseases and shit). If you don't have it at home, go out and buy this shit and start sprinkling it on every fucking thing. I throw it in my morning cereal, smoothies, and what not.

Pour 1 table spoon of warmed up almond milk or warm water, if you don't like the taste of the almond milk. Slowly add more table spoons of this shit. You want to go for a THICK creamy texture. Mix it well.

Add 1 Tea Spoon of Vanilla Extract or 1 Vanilla Pod (optional for flavor) 

Now add 1 Table Spoon of brown raw sugar. If you want more sweetness add honey. The more you add, the sweeter the chocolate finish. RELAX your Nipples. We're trying to prevent diabetes here, not get it. Mix well until grounded sugar has melted into the chocolate.

If the cocoa nibs & sugar are not melting properly, place it in the oven or microwave for 3-5 minutes.

Add crushed almonds into the creamy mixture (also optional)

Pour into the container shape you like. I used a smiley one as you can fucking see & let cool in the fridge.

If you want an ice cream finish, cool its ass in the freezer.

This shit was ridiculously delicious, crunchy, and crispy. It melts in your mouth. FUCK YES!

The easiest shit to make, seriously. 

What you need:

4 elongated sweet potatoes that are about 5 fuckin inches long & cylinder shaped. Choosing the right sweet potatoes for chips has got to be the hardest fuckin shit when I’m in the market. They are all so fucking DEFORMED, man.

1 Bunch of Kale

Sea Salt n’ Peppa

Ground cinnamon

Nonstick cooking spray (olive oil)

wax or parchment sheet

2 flat baking pans

How to make this shit: So. Fuckin. Simple.

Preheat your oven to exactly 450 fuckin degrees.

Sweet Potato Chips:

Peel & chop them muthafuckin sweet potatoes as thin or as thick as you like. I like em’ thick.  

Spread your wax or parchment sheet over the flat baking pan. Spray that shit with oil. I used Olive Oil. If you don’t have the spray you can spread that shit with your fingers. We cool? Ok.

Arrange the potato slices NEXT to each other on the wax or parchment  sheet. Don’t pile that shit up or it won’t cook evenly, give em space.

Sprinkle them delicately with salt n’ peppa. Add more spices that you like for more flavor.

Relax with the salt, don’t go pouring the whole fucking bottle. No. you can’t use cocaine as a substitute.

Set your oven to 400 fuckin degrees & bake these bad bitches for 30 minutes until brownish texture appears, bake more for crunchiness.

I remember the first time experimenting with the timing and crunchiness and I ended up burning that shit. So don’t say I didn’t fuckin warn you.

Kale Chips:

Wash the kale leaves & put to dry or pat dry them with a paper towel.

Prepare your flat baking pan and spray the parchment paper with the spray first then start putting the kale in the pan, same with the sweet potatoes.

Arrange them on the wax or parchment sheet with even spaces. Again, don’t pile that shit up. 

Using the olive oil spray, rain that shit evenly covering the kale leaves. You can also use coconut oil, canola oil, grape seed oil. Experiment like Einstein for different flavors.

Sprinkle a fuckin pinch of cinnamon over the kale leaves. Add sea salt.

Place the pans in the oven for 10 minutes. The more you bake the more crunchy texture. 

Size does not matter in this case. Make as much as you plan on eating, depending on your daily calorie intake.

LET’S DO SOME SIMPLE ADDITION---- 

A DAILY BIG MAC + A JAMBA JUICE = $350 SPENT MONTHLY ON FAT & DISEASE.

I CALL THAT GETTING SWINDLED AND PIMPED,SHIEEEEEEEEEEEET

SHIT HAPPENS. They say when you're angry at something COUNT to 10, if you're REALLY fucking angry, about-to-turn-into-THE-HULK-style count to 100.

WHAT THE FUCK? 100? AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT. 

STOP GIVING A FUCK AND TAKE YOUR ANGER OUT ON THIS SMOOTHIE RIGHT HERE, NOTHING WILL COOL YOUR ASS DOWN LIKE IT WILL.

SLAM INTO THE BLENDER

4 ice cubes

9 peeled kiwis

1 squeezed lime or a lemon will fucking do

2 inch piece of ginger

½ cup of seltzer water or spring water

grate some fresh ginger over the top

Serving: 1 SMOOTHIE.

Double the amount, if you're drinking with another angry fucker.