#dismissiveness

Toxic Communication Habits Part 1

The vloggers Permission to Exist and Shahida Arabi talk about toxic communication habits. These are habits that are toxic or emotionally abusive without qualifying as outright deception or obvious bullying and insulting. The discussion ranges from stonewalling and silent treatment to projection, deflection, and gaslighting.

As someone who is verbally impulsive, I know all too well that verbal impulsivity is often misinterpreted as entitlement or arrogance. Consequently, the verbally impulsive—like me—have a responsibility to work on their verbal impulsivity, at least to ensure that they aren’t inadvertently making the other person feel disrespected, undervalued, or dismissed. This is especially important in light of structural privilege, which justifiably primes women, e.g., to expect to be disrespected, undervalued, or dismissed in conversations with men.

However, I greatly appreciate that at the end of this video, Permission to Exist emphasises that verbal impulsivity and conversational entitlement are indeed distinct, and talks about how the listener can distinguish one from the other. I think this distinction is profound and important (though I obviously have personal reasons for thinking this).

A verbally impulsive person is genuinely listening to you, and she is interrupting you because she is verbally excitable, cares about what you’re saying, and has a problem with controlling her excitement verbally. A conversationally entitled person is interrupting you because she doesn’t care about what you’re saying, or about what you’re thinking or feeling, and just wants to change the subject.

Permission to Exist also touches on the fact that close friends usually converse in an overlapping, communal way, in which everyone is participating, and interruptions are commonplace and expected. This conversational style usually flows, in a natural way, from the underlying communal dynamic of close friendships and emotional bonds.

As a child, have you ever wondered why the planets are shaped the way they are? How about what makes the tides of the ocean ebb and flow? How is it that they are filming somewhere and it is transmitted on T.V.? Have you ever asked an adult and got shut down for asking too many questions? These are legitimate inquiries from inquisitive minds begging for answers. Profound questions so powerful…

I sat there in my train seat with the book open on my lap hoping he wouldn’t look over and see what I was reading. That was years ago. (more…)

I am so tired with dealing with my father. In every instance of my life when I felt strongly attached to something that he deemed "not normal" he would either ridicule me for it, or flat out deny me that I had any real connect to it. When I was younger I was diagnosed with ADHD and aspergers and in both instances he denied me any help, because he felt that they were false diagnoses and that no child of his would grow up being 'different'. That caused me a fuck ton of problems as a youth and I didn't get better (i.e happier, more adapted, comfortable) until I started seeing a social counselor when I was 13. When I was interested in theater he told me I would find no future in it and I should just drop the hobby. When I told him I was asexual he told me that I was wrong and that I would get over it when I got older. When I told him I was depressed he told me I was just moody and that things would get better (fuck you, it's been shitty for 17 whole god damn years, I dont think it's gonna get better on its own). And now when I told him I was trans he told me that I was wrong, that I only feel this way because I want to fit in (hahahaha, you absolute fucking dumbass). He wont even stop calling me excessive male pronouns without adding in a sarcastic "ooooh I'm sorry" and then using a demeaning slur instead. Absolute shitlord he is. I'm fucking done with trying to ignore his dismissive attitude under a guise of "caring for my long term well being". You dont care for me, you just hate the idea of me not being the perfect little fucking snowflake that you werent.