#diary journal

quick update: living a quiet life and connecting with the interests and pieces of myself i thought i lost. dev and broke up, i’ve been doing some traveling, spending time with folks old and new, and getting back into my work flow. after a very low period, i’m genuinely looking forward to seeing how the rest of the year plays out.

Zodiac Journal Notebooks

https://mybook.to/Sagittarius-book 

https://mybook.to/gemini-book https://mybook.to/Libra-book 

https://mybook.to/Leo-Book 

https://mybook.to/Cancer-Book 

https://mybook.to/Pisces-book 

https://mybook.to/Scorpio-Book 

https://mybook.to/taurus-book 

https://mybook.to/Aquarius-book 

https://mybook.to/Aries-Book 

https://mybook.to/Virgo-Book

I have so many ambitions. I want to achieve more than I probably am capable of, but there is something in the way that makes me quite anxious.

Marriage.

What a silly thing to be so anxious about, but please hear me out. I wanted to fall in love and marry to be able to commit myself to someone. I felt that once I was married to someone that I would no longer be alone. I was so terribly afraid of being alone, and honestly, I still am, but what if I don't want to promise myself to someone just for the percentage of divorce to be 50% likely to happen.

Dear Diary,

I haven't written in a little bit. There's been a little bit going on but not much. Yesterday, in group therapy, I was talking about my dad and how I don't know if we love each other anymore and how I've been thinking about it recently. There's this one therapist, Strawberry's therapist, who is kind of a really bad therapist. I was talking about how I look for father figures in any older man, like my coworkers at the pizza place. Last week, I talked about how I can't hold a crush really and I stop liking people once they like me. So this therapist was like, "Maybe sex is a factor that differs between these relationships? Like you don't desire a sexual relationship with these older father figures but you do with boys your age?" And I was just confused (also it's not true). It was out of pocket to say that to me in front of the whole group. Strawberry stepped in and said that's not what I was saying. I love her for that. I talked to my therapist (let's call her Ms. E) about what she said to me and she said that it wasn't in line of her to say that. So at least Ms. E agreed. I just don't know why Strawberry's therapist said that.

I met with Apple on Sunday and we had a really good time. She told me she smokes regularly and that really surprised me. She would never smoke with me when we were best friends. But we went to Plato's Closet and got coffee. She also did my hair with her dyson air wrap. It looked so good! I'll attach a picture down below.

I've been working a lot lately and I think it's good for me? I've been very tired as well though. It's fine though, I'll live. At work on Wednesday, I feel behind with all my work. I got help from the stylists which I appreciated a lot. I've gotten quite a few tips, too! I got a $10 tip yesterday.

I've been hanging out with Strawberry a little bit less because I've been working and I think it's been good for our relationship because I'm finding her less irritating now. Although I still fucking hate her ex boyfriend that she still talks to. I wish she wouldn't sabotage herself so much. I just want the best for her, but she doesn't seem to want it for herself.

I'm going to an art hotel in Wisconsin on Sunday, if I get off work that day. But I'll go anyway even if I can't get off. I'm really excited to go with my sister and mom. My brother is going to Cabo and then the Bahamas. I'm really jealous because he has rich friends. I used to too, but not that rich.

Thanks for listening,

M

P.S.

Here's a picture of my hair from Sunday! I'm a little apprehensive about showing myself, even if my face is blurred out. I don't want anyone to recognize me, even if it's very unlikely.

Yesterday was a good day. Stayed at home most day, studied for some time, Watched GoT finale with friends, then drove to this trailhead with a friend late at night.The wind was blowing like crazy , but the view was great.

I used to come to this place with another friend, missed her a lot. We have drifted apart due to some reasons, but all I could think about how we were trying to light a cigarette and laughing and talking about how our extreme ends balance each other out. After certain time has passed do we only remember the good stuff?

Didn't click much pictures today, but here is a list of things I got done today

the intermittent fasting way of eating. Had a terrible headache till 2:30, which is when I had lunch. I think too much caffeine caused dehydration and hence the headache. Drank a lot of water after this.

Worked out finally after ages.

Stress shopping : got some face creams and oils

Got some books delivered that I have been excited about some time. I have been loving reading things by Teju Cole. He has such a nice voice, which makes me wish I saw the world like he does

Cooked and meal prepped for tomorrow.

Cleaned the dishes and kitchen

Spent too much time on people's blog on Tumblr. This is a sign that I supremely stressed, and finding ways to not study at all. putting an hour of social media limit from tomorrow.

I want you to be aware of me.

I want you to see me and to notice how hard I'm working, but that is too fair. I need you to praise me but that is selfish of me to ask for.

Until you can praise me for my virtues I need you to punish me for my vices.