happy bunny

why did you fuck me like you adored me

when i was underneath you, did you feel powerful?

i wonder how that feels

to be in control of not just your own body, but mine too

if you fed me lines, false promises, looked at me with those eyes

i still would do anything for you, anything to you

i held my ground once, and felt bad for it

i apologize

for wanting you but not wanting you in me

i used to think i could just escape in my mind

but people have told me it's a dangerous place

i'm sorry i let you believe in me

i'm sorry that you couldn't be my convoluted idea of perfection

i feel sorry for myself

my own way i end things

it's all the time

i let myself get close, i let myself get to know you

and one day it changes but i never let you know who i am

i'm not sure who i am, in and out

i don't blame you if you never want to talk to me again

we don't forget it, we remember it, we just don't rehash it

if i can be in this tree forever, staring directly into the sun

it will pain me, but i won't be ashamed

i can remember how the dark had taken over everything

and wreaked havoc on all my land

but what will that do?

it is fixed because i am here, i see what was meant for me;

eternal sunshine and immutable greenery

my mind is bright and clear

and i like being up here,

the days are long and my serenity longer

peace comes with knowing it is a gift to be here

i accept myself, i accept my standing

there is no thinking about the darkness

i’m only nineteen and i want to feel you again

i stood outside and felt time go by in the form of air

it’s gotten warmer

but i knew you when the chill was biting

i took one out of the pack

i had memorized the way you held it in your lips

so if we ever met again, you’d find your reflection

for now, i will practice

i would’ve waited if you gave me a reason

i brush my teeth in the morning

i wash my face, my hair, my body

i take my washcloth and i run it over old scars

i think to myself,

“today will not be at all as bad as my days once were”

i take my time in the mirror, i look pretty

i have no doubts about my outfit, it looks perfect

i trace my face in old photos, i cherish and remember her

i put a cd in the stereo and i appreciate the sound

i’m moving on

i have taken the time to get to know every part of me

and i will continue to do so,

just in case i missed a spot

there is no time to worry about yesterday

she will find a way to save me from it

even in death

she is mystical, a brave soldier in the bloodiest battle

my mother, whose mother wanted to be there for her

as my mother was for me,

longs for the pivotal moments that fate stole from her

my mother was present, even when she was not

she was with me this whole time, never stolen from me

i await in fear for the day she is no longer a breathing, living, walking piece of me

but i am conscious of the fact i will have more time with my mother than she had with hers

i am so sorry, mother

i will hold you when you are aged and ill,

i don’t have to be mad anymore.

i can look at other people and see not what they didn’t do for me, but instead how they supported me and listened to me.

i will go through heartbreak again, but i know now that it will pass. there will be love and hope in my heart again.

i know the people in my past cared about me and it wasn’t my punishment or reward to be cut off.

i have so much love and appreciation for everyone that helped me get better, regardless of how our relationship ended.

i can learn to live by myself, without depending on others to keep me happy.

there is so much to learn and see before i go, and i won't take it for granted.

my mother is upset today and the whole house is cold

i dropped my sister off at her apartment and hated her for leaving

i haven't talked to my dad in a while and i think he is happy

my brother is never home these days and he didn't put the milk away

why can't you remember me?

i miss you

why can't you be here?

i know it's not your fault

many things were

but this is not

you can't bring yourself back

i can't make you listen to me

because you're gone

and you never knew how much i loved you

i'm still that little girl who would sit on your lap

i'm still her!

please tell me you remember her

because she will always remember

the cadence in which you spoke

the adoration in your eyes when you still remembered

but now when you see her

Dear Diary,

I'm so tired of being a whore. I've definitely slowed down compared to these past few months, but I still have those urges. Not even to orgasm or to gain pleasure, but to have someone hold me and be the most important thing in their life at that moment. It's addicting and enthralling. I'd like to get over it soon.

School has been going well and I performed my first facial on a personal client today. I'm having a lot of fun at school but I leave early sometimes because I just get so tired and I can't keep my eyes open. I need to make up a lot of hours because I am going to France soon! I'm so excited to go see my distant relatives and go to Paris and Nice. I'm gonna have a lot of fun, I just know it.

I miss Blizzard so much. He left to go to Indiana for school and I just can't get over him. He was my favorite hookup. He always made me feel so sexy and interesting. I miss him. That's all I have to say.

I hung out with Ice the other day. We went walking in a park and sat down on a swing together. It was actually nice, but a little boring. That's pretty much him.

I've made new friends from work. I put in my two weeks though. I'm so glad I met Monkey though. She's very cool and very sweet. She's also fun and spontaneous. Axolotl is another friend from work. He's pretty nice but a bit of a snob. He loves music but trashes on other people's music taste. It can get a little annoying. He's cool though. Starfruit and I have become friends with them and hang out with them a lot. I like this new group but I don't think it will last long.

Honestly there's not much else going on that I especially want to talk about. Just boys and problems that I have no interest in writing about.

Thanks for listening,

there is something so poetic

about getting all dolled up and pathetic

to wait outside your house for the roaring engine

to see a man with a dirty, unmistakable intention

to see a man who won’t know how to pronounce your name (he won’t try to)

to see a man who won’t notice if you came (you faked it, you felt you had to)

but maybe he’ll look into your eyes afterward and he’ll see you’re not satisfied

in that case, he’ll put his fingers in you, at least until he feels dignified

when you bleed in his car parked in a vacant lot, he’ll get exasperated

you’ll want to tell him “it’s your fault” but he’d get irritated

the car ride back will be silent

the guilt will feel so, so violent

and you did it for him, you sacrificed your peace of mind

and you sacrificed this girl you left behind

and she’s still in that vacant lot

Dear Diary,

Life has been pretty crazy lately, genuinely. For starters, I fucked my brother’s best friend on Friday. I will explain... 

I was on tinder with my friends playing the tinder game where you drink every time you see a red flag and Starfruit said it would be funny if one of my brother’s friends who were downstairs hanging out came up on my feed. And it fucking happened. Basically, he asked to hook up and so we went into the garage and in my car we had sex. He kept saying things like “it feels so good but it feels so wrong” and “he can’t find out about this.” He bought me Plan B the next day. We agreed to keep it a secret but...I told so many people. To be honest, it has a likely chance of getting back to my brother, but I don’t care. I felt guilty at first but now I think of it as payback for my brother being an asshole and a shitty person to me. But also I think my brother would kill his friend for doing that with me. It honestly feels like a movie. 

I started school last week! I love it so far. It’s so fun to learn about something that I’m interested in. I made a few friends, but there are some fake girls there. I’m going to study at the library with one of my new friends this Friday after school! I’m excited for everything about school, which is new. It’s cool!

I’m talking to Ice again. He slid up on my snapchat story and basically asked why I wasn’t answering his messages or calls. I told him I blocked him cause it was the truth. I fibbed why I blocked him, though. It would be too awkward to reveal the real reason. Anyway, he canceled on me a few times and we haven’t hung out since. He’s very damaged. I don’t know how it would ever even work.

Thanks for listening,

Dear Diary,

Today is my best friend Pear’s birthday. She’s nineteen. I miss her so much now that she’s at college but she always goes out of her way to make sure I know she loves me. I think this friendship really helps me remember I’m not alone. I love her so much and I thank God everyday that she’s in my life. 

I start esthetician school next week and I’m really nervous. I’m scared that I won’t make friends. I don’t know what kind of people are going to be in my class and it’s nerve-racking.

Raspberry got admitted to the hospital on Saturday and I miss them like crazy. I’m going to call them tonight with Starfruit. I can’t wait to hear their voice. They truly are one of my favorite people.

Thanks for listening,

desperation turned into an insatiable craving

for love and worthiness

fucking never gave me anything

no real pleasure out of someone else's

it's so empty

i use these memories as something that keeps me going

no fucking need to, though

i feel worthless when i'm not being fucked

isn't that enough now?

i want to keep going for them

the ones that come back to me

asking for another joyride

"my number is too high now,"

i tell my friends

why do they need to know my adventures?

i don't need to tell them

Dear Diary,

Happy New Year and Friday the 13th! I have not been good about posting. But I have been on tumblr looking at my mutuals' posts. Reading poetry and whatnot. I miss posting on here everyday but it doesn't feel the same as it used to back when I was still in my high school multipurpose room writing on here. I'm trying to create for myself a space where I can document and vent again. So I'm going to talk about things that are memorable/heavy/fun for me to talk about.

I broke up with Strawberry and Blueberry, my old friends. Strawberry turned into a person I hated. She broke my heart in so many ways so suddenly. I miss her sometimes but I am glad now that she is out of my life. Blueberry still wanted to be friends with her and I couldn't stay friends with someone who accepted her behavior. I think my life changed for the better in that area.

I made friends with my coworker, Peanut. She has been a wonderful addition to my life and I'm so proud to call her my friend. She is always there for me and I hang out with her almost everyday. Raspberry, Peanut and I are always together it seems like. And I'm so glad Raspberry stuck with me throughout the whole thing with Strawberry.

I don't know if I want to be friends with Starfruit anymore. It just feels uncomfortable now that Peanut doesn't like her. She points out things that I didn't realize resemble a bad friend. Peanut makes me realize that people aren't as truthful as they seem. I think I've grown up in a bubble of my suburban childhood, but Peanut really knows the world and how to work it.

I blocked Ice! I forgot how excited I was to tell you. This is a long story that I've wanted to type out:

Strawberry had a hoe named Blizzard. I knew of him because Strawberry and I had hung out with him once before when we did coke with Chunk. So one night I took acid with Raspberry and I started talking to him on snapchat. I told him about what happened with Strawberry and I having a fallout, and he offered for me to come over to talk about it more. When he picked me up, I noticed he was pretty drunk. He was swerving and not paying attention to the road. He almost hit somebody like twice. It was so odd that he drove me to his house so inebriated. His house was so nice. I kept seeing such cute elements of objects around his house that were from when he was a kid. It made me feel closer to him, oddly. He played the piano for me, I forget which song. I think something classical. We took tequila shots in his kitchen and he taught me how to cut a lime "the correct way." We went into his shed and he gave me a cigarette and I smoked it while he hit his bong. He looked so disoriented after the rip that I think he fell asleep for a second. We went to his basement and I told him more stuff about Strawberry but he said "we don't have to talk about her." So I kind of shut up even though that was what I wanted to do with him, talk. He lied down on the couch and I did too. We started cuddling, but he started touching me. I didn't really want to fuck someone that Strawberry had fucked, but I was fucked up on the alcohol and acid. We had sex. The whole time I was wishing I wasn't there, but I liked it in some fucked up way. It made me feel like I was good enough for him to fuck, which I know I shouldn't think. It happens all the time with men. Anyway, he put it in my actual butthole. By mistake. It was so weird! He started to have sex with me again and came in me twice. After, I felt so violated and odd. I kept hallucinating dog and demon faces circling his face. I feel like I'm going to remember that picture in my head ten years from now. I remember him saying "we should do that again" and "I honestly just wanted to fuck you." I told him that I was going to call an uber. I felt so used and lonely after I found out that was all he wanted. He told me earlier that he was there for me and I could talk to him. But he hasn't reached out since that, besides to buy me Plan-B. He's such a fucking liar. I'm learning slowly, all men are fucking dirtbags.

I'm talking to a guy in the military now, similar to the summer navy guy. He reminds me of him sooo much and they're stationed at the same naval station near me. I keep doing this to myself. I keep thinking men are different but they're not. I sound so much like an incel, geez. Anyway, I like talking to him. For now. He has girl friends and showed me them on our first call, though. Weird

I hooked up with this Irish guy the other night. I had met up with him before but I just gave him head then. He's super nice but I'm not going to get my hopes up with him.

There's so much more, but I'm going to bed for now. Hopefully I write soon!

Thanks for listening,