Whoever you are, Wherever you are

I still hang out with your brother. I know you must find it annoying hearing my name be brought up. I feel the same way when I hear yours. You must understand. Maybe you don’t but I don’t need you to. I don’t need you.

My worst winter night was a night in summer. Where I mourned what I once had when I didn’t know what it was like to be sad when the sun was out.

I’m so confused. I used to be gay then I thought perhaps bisexual. Now I think I might be a lesbian. It’s all just so weird. Feelings. I think everyone’s so beautiful.

It’s 4:40am on Saturday. I worked a 14 hour shift and then went dancing until 2am. Then I got some fast food and watched some videos. Now it’s 4:41am and I’m listening to Billy Idol. Getting ready for bed because I’m gonna go out dancing tomorrow night too. It’s all so beautiful if you really want it to be.

It’s been 6 years since my life changed drastically. I mourn my childhood sometimes. Not the child no I mourn the relationships I had. If they knew me now would they have still been my friends? I’d like to think so but they’re not here anymore so perhaps not.

I stopped saying your name as much now the more my feelings grow for you. It feels sacred. I’ve never known the intimacy of a name before. And it starts with an S. Beautiful I will treasure it forever.

I’m selfish and greedy. I want what’s not mine and take before asking. You were never mine to begin with and won’t be in the end. And the greedy selfish being that I am I will keep taking until I am punished. When you punish me and tell me no more I will find something else to take. I never learn.

The 7th floor of that stuffy apartment building was the closest to heaven I’d ever been. In your bedroom was where I was brought to my knees. The first time an angel graced my presence. I knew heavens doors were miles away. I’m rotten and I consume. Angels like you weren’t met to be so close to me.

I wish I could change you. Mold you into the person I want you to be. Just so I can keep you around. But then I don’t think I’d like you as much.

I want you so badly. I want you to be mine because I’m a selfish being. You’ll leave eventually and so will I. They say that when you love someone you should hold them tightly but I don’t want to crush you in my grasp. So I’ll enjoy the sweet moments you give me. And in ten years I’ll think about how for a few moments heaven was your bedroom.