#deep post

*let me down slowly by Alec Benjamin starts to play*

*takes a long drag on my Worm Monster (my special flavored Monster Energy Drink)*

In love with the Worm, huh? *smirks wittily yet self-deprecatingly* Now that's a first...

Once upon a time it seemed like the whole Wormd was in love with me...Claire, Hunter...even the g0dd@mn Government (not that it was reciprocated *growls at Government*)...but you know what they say. Love and Hate are two sides of the same blog.

You might think you love me, @gorehhound, but you don't. Just like everyone else who's ever thought that, you'll come 2 your senses soon enough. Just like a certain Killer...

*I sense a presence behind me and turn 2 see Homicidal Liu*

"What's the meaning of this, Wormchamp?" they seethe. "In love with you? Some freaking RANDO?"

"This is no 3ff1ng RANDO, Homicidal Liuouis!" I shout measuredly. "This is longtime member of the Wormchat @gorehhound, colloquially known as Vulture! You can't just walk in here and act like you own the place without doing your reasearch!"

Liu turns and growls through their lucious brown hair. "And they mean more 2 you than me?"

I look back and forth between @gorehhound and Liu. "I--I never said that. But the Wormchat is my life! You know this!"

Liu's eyes glow with firey rage. "Your life? Your life?? I'll show you a little life!" He pulls out his killing gun and fires seven rounds in one shot straight at @gorehhound. You scream as the bullets fly 2wards you. You had so much you wanted 2 do, like send another great ask or perhaps even make fanart of Wormchamp72---you hadn't even finished your scrapbook of you and Wormchamp and all your times together---but you realize you will never do any of this. You close your eyes and accept death. Until---

"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I howl and leap in front of you, arm outstretched, and catch the bullets in my hand. THere is blood everywhere and I lie on the ground, growling painfully yet clamly. "You stay...the 3ff...away...from them..." I breathe 2 Homicidal Liu.

"Wormchamp!" Liu cries, tossing their gun aside. "I never...I didn't want this...I'm no better than my brother."

"Don't say that," I cough up blood with a grin. "You were just trying 2 protect me, but guns aren't the way 2 do that. Words...are..."

"You sound just like him, g0dd@mmit..." Liu curses.

"Look at me. Look. At. Me." I say, gripping LIu's arm firecely and with compassion. "You are not your brother. You are your own person who makes mistakes yet grows and loves all the same. I...I'm glad 2 call you my friend."

Liu moans in agony. "Why...why did it have 2 end this way?"

I smirk. "Oh Liuouis...you thought I'd let you keep a real gun around the house? You know how I feel about gun control and gun violence. Why, Homicidal Liu, that's a prop gun. I conveniently placed fake blood capsules in the bullet chamber. Heh...call it a late "April Fool's."

"I've never been happier 2 be fooled in my life," Liu says, wiping away a tear. We share a tender embrace as @gorehhound claps, and I turn and give them a wink.

So you see, @gorehhound...I hope you can understand why I am not in love with you as you are with me, but just know that the Love of the Worm is within us all, especially those who show love and kindness in return.

Or how my eyes stray away from gazing eyes? Wondering if they're judging me inside.

Do you realize how hard it is?

Each day fighting just to stay alive-

Fighting these daily mental battles,

Praying to a God,

Hoping I'll be okay, another day in this invisible war.

"umm but you cant say that cuz you eat chicken every day and ignore their suffering!1!1!" yes i know, i know. im not vegan not even a vegetarian and it's my own choice to decide if i want to be, you cannot guilt trip me into becoming one just so you can feel better about yourself.

that is a choice i must make myself and it does not mean im somehow ignoring all the pain and cruelty that goes on in factory farms or killing animals for my own selfish needs and utter ignorance

(also bc i don't have a lot of experience with vegan food, and the pressure that people have given me to turn vegan in the past have affected my views and opinions on veganism.)

but that doesn't mean i can't openly critizise the food industry and judge their operations and ways of working.

it doesn't mean i can't stand for animal rights just bc i still eat meat and fish and eggs daily that come from factories or butcher shops and have been processed on the way, which are completely and fully disconnected and removed from the once breathing, living animal it used to be, making people believe the meat they eat comes from the grocery store and that it's so vastly different from the animal it comes from.

i can turn vegan any day i want, any given time i feel the urge to turn vegan, i can do it but it would have to happen in a way that is not only somehow good for the planet and the animals, but also good for me and for my body.

but as i was saying, the chickens and other animals -ever since capitalism discovered it can turn a sentient living animal into an infinite food hack in expense of their health and wellbeing- are treated so so horribly, and it pains me to think there's nothing i can do to stop it from happening, it's either go vegan or go home i guess (or like host a riot idk) but i suppose, as a way to console myself, there is always something i can do, that others can do.

too many thoughts speaking at once. why is doing the better thing harder?

the deadliest of the sins, lust.

Isn’t lust and desire the same? isn’t lust and want the same?

i am convinced the seven sins are not deadly unless you know how to use them, i would say they are potent qualities, adaptations, symptoms of the world- her cannot ignore them, its easy and satisfying when abused.

fuck trying to quite smoking, it’s about quitting indulgence.

if i could ask him one question, right now, it would be “did you know that we would be the makers of our own death?” Also knowing me- I wouldn’t ask just one— there would be a chain reaction of questions — like “were you prepared to berated with hate from the ones you’ve created?” “Did you know we were going to be so insecure about our own power that we would abuse it in all the wrong ways? “ “ were you prepared for us to misunderstand our existence?” “ were you prepared for us to be this stupid?”

— like— I would be shaking and blushing- yeah I’m angry and I’m furiously throwing flash thoughts at god- like I fucking knew it—

— I fucking knew I wouldn’t get all the answers u til I was on the other side—. The answers are so incomprehensible that you will NEVER get them here on earth, because we are not made to understand, but to experience. And we are in control of that experience at all times!! AT ALL TIMES.

my struggle this time is different- it does not stem from depression- it stems from acceptance and apply that acceptance to truth, beauty and love—- and I will keep saying this because I can feel the difference- sometimes I forget in the vast void that we CAN remove ourselves, not entirely, our digital footprint is forever, but we can most certainly pull our energy out, we can pull our presence, we can vanish—- we can!!

It’s time for me to the mysterious hottie next door. it’s what I have always wanted to be, I’m gonna put my entire consciousness into my experience here on earth, and I’m going to try and remember that something more powerful than me knows all and one day- so will I. Until then, I will be unafraid to question truth, beauty and love.

I am always in the presence of all three, because I am all three. My truth may be tainted, it may bear a port wine stain— for I have indulged in lust. a damaging taste- tinged and bitter- sweet and addictive.

— all I fucking wanted was to experience.

this is my first time living, maybe I felt like I have missed out on people experiencing other people and then having to use that experience to move forward with who they are- and I thought about what I have done and who it has made me— some parts I love- some parts I feel are broken- but I can’t deny the amount of wisdom I have gained from my choices- it was addicting. - but it has also created a very intimate relationship with myself- my mind- my body and my soul— which is why I am convinced that when you KNOW what you want to experience— it usually always ends up good— but what happens when it ends up bad— how do we say? “I fucked up” without the fear of contempt and judgment from the ones we love? i would say that i am a coward- for i fear abandonment.

— and that is how my truth is tainted. how do i say sorry for wanting to experience life? How do i say - sorry i fucked up i am not satisfied with the way you love me and I don’t know if that makes me fucked up or mentally ill?

HOW?

i am just a fucked up girl who tattooed her face for protection.