#deep asks

Some time ago, I used to smile for no reason, be happy in and out.

I guess it’s different now. It’s not that the love is less, I think I just show it differently. I still have the urge (that is not always followed because, fear) to compliment, to get people smiling, to make people laugh and that stuff, but that state is that: a state. It isn’t the constant that it was before, at least not with the people I want it to be most, and I’m trying to understand what that old version of me did to get to that point. And what changed. It may just be childhood too.

How to find the joys of growing up?

Do we ever grow up or is that just what we’ve been conditioned to think?

Other than that, in romantic love, I’ve confessed a couple times. I guess it just poured out. I couldn’t contain it, I couldn’t resist the unknown. Both platonically and romantically, I write letters. I guess giving a part of me is inevitable. I just think the person deserves to know how I see them. Some have cried. It’s surprising how much they needed that sometimes.

But other times, it burns in my head. Sometimes the mathematics win and I can’t help but think a little too much about things. And I burst from the inside. I hide it from the physical. Not a soul could see it. And I take and I take and I take, until my cup is filled and I cry a river to the person, I express.

(1) A weird food combination that you love?

(2) Have you ever thought about moving abroad? If yes where to?

(3) At what age did you go to your first party?

(4) What has been your boldest stroke in life so far?

(5) Do you have feelings for someone?

(6) Have you ever said goodbye to someone and ran after the train as they left?

(7) What is the name of your favourite book?

(8) Who is your favourite poet? What work of theirs do you love the most, and why?

(9) Is there a saying/phrase that you use, that you completely made up?

(10) Have you ever done graffiti?

(11) Have you ever performed in front of a crowd?

(12) Would you ever consider a long distance relationship? Why or why not?

(13) Were you part of a club growing up? (sports, music, drama etc.)

(14) What is your go to travel-meal to take with you?

(15) Do you have a dream job? If yes what is it?

(16) Did you cheat in school?

(17) Were you a theatre kid?

(18) Do you believe in soulmates? Why or why not?

(19) What is your creative outlet?

(20) What is your favourite outfit?

(21) Are you usually the drunk or the caretaker?

(22) Have you ever written someone a love letter? Has anyone ever written you one?

(23) Hour of secrets.

(24) Have you ever left somewhere behind?

(25) Name a gesture somebody has recently done for you that made you feel loved.

(26) What do you believe in?

(27) If your life so far was a movie/book what would've been its best part?

(28) Do you have a bucket-list?

(29) Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

(30) How did you celebrate your graduation?

(31) Do you feel seen by the people in your life?

(32) Do you know who you want to be?

(33) Have you ever loved someone so much you don't want anything about them to change?

(34) When did you have your first kiss?

(35) When was the last time you cried?

(36) What does Love mean for you?

(37) Would you ruin a perfectly good painting for the chance of a great one?

(38) Are you longing for anything at the moment?

(39) Do you feel like you have found yourself already?

(40) Have you ever gone skinny dipping? Would you?

(41) Do you daydream about anyone/anything at the moment?

(42) What is your receiving love language? (43) What is your favourite sound? (44) Have you ever given up on a passion? Why?

(45) Are you a spontaneous person? (46) Have you ever met someone and felt an instant connection to them?

(47) What is your favourite Plato quote?

(48) Who's a person who you'd still want to be seeing in three years?

(49) Name 3 songs that you'd listen to while floating on your back in a hidden pond.

3. what is your favourite way to self care?

14. do you enjoy being lightheartedly teased? why or why not?

:)

Hey there :)

3. Cooking myself a good meal, putting on a movie or show, and shutting the world out.

14. Oh yeah! As long as I can do it too... Teasing and banter are my natural states of being 😏

anything for you

also i literally laughed reading #2 i have so many...

2. what is your preferred method of non-physical self destruction?

my preferred method of self-destruction is needing background noise to focus but also adding way too much background noise like for instance, my tv is on playing Boo Bitch on netflix, i'm listening to my spotify playlist, and my AC is on and now there is too many noises to actually focus but i like need....all of these on.

So most of the time i'm just frozen absorbing wayyyyy too much media lol.

5. if anything, what would you change about your childhood?

this was my 2nd most talked about thing in therapy lol. So idk if you've seen Gilmore Girls. If you did, then my mom and I really had the Rory and Lorelai relationship which was great but also led to me basically just being in my moms shadow and hanging out with her friends more than my friends and always being told "you're just like your mom" and having to be my moms anchor for literally all of her problems. Mind you, my parents got divorced when I was 10 so from 10-18 I grew up VERY quickly and was worrying about money and bills and stuff like that VERY young so... my childhood was barely spent with friends and stuff and mostly spent worrying about my mom which obviously i would do again if i had to because shes my mom but it was something that had an effect on me later on when i went to college and i had a hard time hanging out with people my own age, watching people my age learn how to budget and manage money when like i've been doing that for a WHILE, and just like so many other things that made me feel very displaced with people my own age.

So now I really hate the expression "you're wise beyond your years" because like.. I WISH I WASN'T and i got told that literally on a daily basis when i was in junior high and high school and i used to find VALUE in that and now i'm like... dude i really wish i made dumb teenager mistakes but nah i just had to grow up quite quickly. Like I wish i was just a naive 23 year old now learning to navigate the adult world like other 23 year olds instead of being in the adult world since i was like 10 haha.

Deep Asks

14: do you enjoy being lightheartedly teased? why or why not?

No. I must admit that even in a joking context, I feel a rise of bile in my throat when someone dares to mock or criticize me.

That said, there are some exceptions.

Nagini has always had quite a blunt sense of humor, but I never once felt that visceral reaction from her teasing - or truly that of any serpent. Indeed, I find her remarks amusing.

I also have evolved a similar approach to some of Bella's words. I know that she is in reverence of me, so I can let my guard down and accept her playful banter as what it is. It is nice.

(sorry to bother you if you’ve already done it)

i barely get asked anything from the asks i made! most people just share. so thank you.

2. what is your preferred method of non-physical self destruction?

15. I find it easier to be overly emotional - I find that I can calm myself down a lot more easily. To be honest, I can never be numb because I just turn into a horrible person. I rather cry and get it out!

16. I used to be a really good chess player. I started online and used to crush it when I played against the computer profiles - but when I started playing real people I was horrific. They were much more well versed in openings and tactics so I consistently lost games - and I hated it. I don’t like being bad at something so I just quit it all together and I’ve tried to play since and I’ve just lost any talent I once had (also volleyball - I was super good…like good enough for a athletic scholarship but I just overlooked it because I didn’t see a future in it 🙄)

He he...

I lied to my friends in 7th grade at a party that I could be hypnotized. They believed it throughout high school (we were all in the same school from elementary to high school), that I could be hypnotized and I forgot everything that would happen while "under the influence" of my hypnotism friend.

My hypnotism friend even got as far as "training" me to "pass out" on command, then she said stop and I told her she might have accidentally turned it off because I didn't want to deal with that...