#dcjasontodd

* a quiet night on a roof-top in Crime Alley*

Jason: Do you think we don’t give Gothamites enough credit?

Damian: What do you mean?

Jason: Like-Like they aren’t stupid. They can’t be. They live in Gotham, they have to have some sort of intelligence to survive-

Damian: Roaches can survive nuclear bombs. They are quite intelligent insects.

Jason: *continuing* Wayne Enterprises has companies in fucking everything from medical to plumbing. W.E is to Gotham what Samsung is to South Korea. No one’s ever thought ‘ maybe B’s trying to take over the city?’

Damian: Are you-Do you have the suspicion that Father may be on the cusp of being discovered?

Jason: Think about it. You get off work at your Martha Wayne Foundation job, ride your Wayne Tech scooter home, and use your Wayne Tech rose toy for the evening. *cackling*

Damian: WHAT THE FUCK.

Jason: The Brucie specialty edition one.

Damian: *flabbergasted* Run that last part for me one more time.

Jason: * laughing* Watching your city be terrorized on your Wayne TV.

Damian: You think that because Father is such a philanthropist and involved citizen, a person using a sex toy from his company will somehow come to the realization that he is Batman?

Jason: Yeah.

Damian: Makes sense, yeah. I see it.

* comm line pings*

Tim: *Grunting, the sound of scraping metal can be heard* GODDAMN THIS GUY IS FUCKING HEAVY.

Dick: *laughing* Red Robin just got squashed by a thief. He tried jumping off the roof and missed, fell onto poor Timmy down below.

Jason and Damian: *laughing*

Tim: *grumbling* Can't believe I weaseled my way into this job.

Jason: Oracle, please tell me you got that shit on video.

Oracle: Oh absolutely. I don't miss a thing, I'll send it to you.

Tim: Bullies. Absolute bullies.

Damian: Why don't we ask them about your conspiracy theory, Akhi?

Dick: Huh? What conspiracy theory?

Jason: That don't people in Gotham put two and two together? W.E is responsible for so much product and no one realizes that's suspicious as shit?

Tim: You know-He has a fair point. B’s outreach is pretty expansive.

Damian: That is not what you said at all. He said that an individual would most likely figure out this theory by using a ‘ Wayne Tech rose toy’.

Jason: *cackling*

Dick: HE’S COOKING. WHY IS GOTHAM’S MOST BELOVED BILLIONAIRE INVESTING IN SHIT YOU SELL AT SPENCER’S.

Tim: It’s all coming together.

Jason: You know- Theory aside. Who, out of all of us, is the most likely to spill the beans about B being Batman?

Damian: Grayson. Are you genuinely asking? This man has screamed our secret identities out into the open multiple times. It is a miracle that Father's double life has remained intact for so long.

Dick: You just said my name but I’m the one that’s going to slip up?

Tim: Bro-You went into that 24-hour cafe downtown as Nightwing and when the barista asked for your name, you said " Yeah just put Grayson. Thanks."

Damian: Jesus Christ.

Jason: OH MY GOD. DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN BRUCE GYRATED AT THE ICEBERG LOUNGE *cackling* DANCED IN HIS UNDERWEAR ON TOP OF THE ICE SCULPTURE OF A PENGUIN.

Dick: *audibly smiling* To keep up his Brucie Wayne persona. I remember it. *laughing* Alfred couldn't maintain eye contact with him for a few days after.

Tim: I’m still baffled as to why he did that.

Dick: *nonchalantly* To convince people that he’s just a pretty boy with a ton of money and not a furry fighting crime.

Tim: No-I understand that. But did the clothes really have to come off? He couldn’t just pretend to be blackout drunk?

Damian: So if anyone suspects my identity, I'm just suppose to start stripping?

Jason: *laughing*

Dick: *wheezing* Or pretend to be blackout drunk like Tim suggested.

Tim: Oh yeah-The 13 year old is just drunk at the- Shit he’s loose. Nightwing, headed your way!

Damian: I am highly trained in several methods of combat and weaponry. I am the Son of the Bat, heir to the Demon's Head throne, and I do not follow-

Jason: I'm not taking orders from someone who is anemic.

Dick: Anemic? Whose anemic?

Jason: Damian is. He's been anemic since-

Damian: Todd, silence. Be quiet. Think of everything I have on you-

Jason, laughing: Ohhhh sensitive topic for you, Dami? He's fucking deficient in iron. Has been since like 7.

Tim: Why are you ashamed of being anemic? The fuck.

Damian: I am not anemic.

Jason: You take iron supplements.

Damian: And you take Flintstone vitamins, idiot. You are a child.

Dick, raising an eyebrow: Wait… we’re really having a nutritional roast mid-patrol?

Jason, grinning: Absolutely. Damian’s secret weakness is iron deficiency. Who knew the perfect little assassin had a soft spot?

Damian, flaring: I am not—

Tim: Ohhhh, so it’s okay if you pop a pill every morning but I get grief for a missing organ?

Damian, fuming, clenching his fists: I do not pop pills frivolously! Each iron tablet is calculated, precise, and necessary for optimal performance! You, however, lost a spleen due to your own stupidity-

Jason: Optimal performance? It's literally a vitamin.

Dick: Honestly, I’m just impressed that we’re having a rooftop argument about vitamins and organs mid-patrol. Gotham must be proud.

Jason, pointing at Damian: You hear that, tiny vampire? Dick’s siding with me.

Damian, growling: “ He is not. And I will have you know, Todd, that my blood iron levels are—”

Jason, cutting him off: “—sad. And small. And hilarious. Got it.”

Tim: We literally have to just deprive him of vitamins and he'll be out of our hair.

Jason: He skips one meal and he's a goner.

Dick giggling: You’re talking about Damian like he’s a Tamagotchi.

Damian, outraged: I AM STANDING RIGHT HERE.

Jason, nodding seriously: Yeah, and you’re standing there on borrowed iron.

Tim, deadpan: “I’m just saying, tactically, if he ever goes rogue, we cut off access to supplements. No swords. No traps. Just… nutritional neglect.”

Damian, drawing his blade: I will end all of you.

Bruce, finally cutting in over comms: If anyone deprives anyone else of vitamins, I swear I will ground all of you.

Damian: This family is a disgrace.