#cubbs.vent

How do I explain that I do like dressing cute and pretty and feminine sometimes but not because I'm a girl, it's because I just like feminine things. And how do I explain that when I manage to dress masc I'm not "just a tomboy" but rather I'm a nonbinary person that's dressing masculine because I enjoy the style and like expressing myself that way.

"Tell me how it happened then." they reply

"I can't remember how it happened but I know it wasn't like that" you chuckle dryly. They're doing it again

"Oh so you conveniently can't remember now?" They cross their arms, disbelief on their face

"I don't forget things on purpose." You cross yours. Shit not again...please not again...

"Just like you don't choose to forget doing all the important things you need to do to make my life easier right?" They step closer. Raising their voice louder.

You hated when they raised their voice.

"I don't choose to forget!" You shout in desperation that they'll listen.

"Don't raise your voice at me. Fix your face, you're acting like I told you something wrong-"

"But you're not listening to me!" You say stronger this time, trying not to shout.

"No you're not listening to me! You actively forgot to-"

"I didn't forget on purpose!" You plead "I don't do it on purpose! I just forget sometimes! Maybe to often but it's not my fault! I don't do it on purpose!" Your eyes are tearful but no water was spilled yet. Why couldn't you defend yourself without crying?

"Why are you crying? You have no reason to be crying right now" They crossed their arms again. Looking at you dead in your face.

You take a deep breath in and then a deep breath you. Clenching and unclenching your fists. You blink back the tears and try to swallow the lump in your throat that seems to have grown bigger since last time. Don't fight it. It always ends the same so why do you even try? Just accept it. If they say you did it on purpose maybe you did. Maybe you just convinced yourself you didn't.

"Fine...you're right, whatever. I forgot on purpose 'cause I didn't wanna do it in the first place" You mumble. Your head hangs low at first but you raise it and look at them straight in the face. Deadpanned. No anger, no sadness. You just look at them.

"I don't know why you make us go through this every single time..." They begin to rant.

You've gotten used to drowning them out. You watch them pace up and down. Mixing the words they speak with the voices in your head. You try your best to make them as quiet as possible and pick out a random quote from one of your comfort people amidst the hurricane in your head. You feel your lips twitch as you stop yourself from smiling. This is what you've come too. But it's okay. You can hold out just a little bit longer.

Enhypen debuted on November 30th 2020 and I found them on a random day in September 2021. Or rather, they found me. Because if I didn't decide to search their name on YouTube after that one recommendation from a random comment I got on an anime Wattpad fanfiction I was reading back in 2021, I never would've clicked on the Tamed-Dashed Music Video.

I never would've found Yang Jungwon & Kim Sunoo so pretty and wanting to learn their names. I never would've fallen absolutely in love with the song and never would've looked up the rest of their discography so far and been completely enraptured by them.

Enhypen would never have become exactly the distraction I needed to take my mind off the shitfest that was my life at the time, to make me laugh and smile and remember what being happy felt like by simply watching them have fun together, grow together. If they hadn't found me...

I wouldn't have discovered Tomorrow by Together that debuted on March 4th 2019. I'm not sure exactly when it happened but I started listening to their music too and it reopened a door I'd long closed, to a room where a little girl sat alone and forgotten. Their music let her out, showed me that she was still there, that she needed me.

They showed me that even if I had to grow up, I shouldn't leave her behind. She could come with me, I could make her happy again, I could play with her and love her. I shouldn't leave her behind like everyone else had or toss her aside like everyone else did. Their songs pushed me through another tough time. TxT became my friends, their music the time we shared together.

They brought life back to the little girl inside me and showed me it was okay to grow up as long as I remembered she was there and never let her dreams die. If not for them...

Stray Kids that debuted on March 20th 2018 never would've found me on a random day in November 2022. To this day I'm convinced. They found me. The catchy chorus of Case 143, the blinding colors of the Music Video and the fun, new & unique take on a love song wouldn't have hooked me and made me search their names.

I was going through yet another hard time, walking down a path that...admittedly, might've been the road to my early destruction. But I learnt their names, I listened to their songs and in the process I was able to realize just how much I'd been failing. Not failing my family, not failing my "friends," not failing my communities like I'd managed to make myself believe, no. I was failing myself. I wasn't being fair to me, I wasn't loving me, I wasn't being me. Stray Kids found me and helped me find myself.

Helped me see myself for the very first time and see who I wanted to become more clearer than ever before. They made me see that the life I was living was mine and mine alone. That I could do whatever I wanted to do and shouldn't feel bad about it! They helped me love that I'm weird, I'm funny, I'm goofy and unique. They helped me understand that even if my skills were average now at best and I wasn't the shiny trophy everyone liked to show off when I was a child it was still okay.

I was still okay. None of that mattered if I wasn't happy anymore. If I was happy no longer being the best then I didn't need to hurt myself to be the best for anyone else. They helped me see my worth, helped me learn so many things, reignited the flames of passion inside me and made me love life again! Made me want to live again! And not just live for livings sake but to live the life I wanted for myself!

Because that's all that really mattered. Nothing less than that and if I suddenly decided I wanted more, as long as I'm willing to put in the work, I can have as much more as I want. I'm not undeserving of it, I'm not selfish for it. Not in the slightest bit.

Stray Kids saved me. Just as TxT saved the little girl inside me and Enhypen saved pre-teen me.

Tomorrow is Stray Kids' 6th Anniversary but November will mark my 2 years of being a STAY. TxTs' 5th Anniversary was earlier this month but 2024 marks my 3 years of being a MOA. ENHYPENs' 4th Anniversary will be later this year but September will mark my 3 years of being an ENGENE and soon I'll also be celebrating one year with BOYNEXTDOOR.

𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐬𝐞 𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝟑 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝟑 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐦𝐲 𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐫𝐞 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 ❤️‍🩹

"𝐋𝐞𝐞 𝐊𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐇𝐲𝐮𝐧𝐠, 𝐇𝐨𝐥𝐝 𝐌𝐲 𝐇𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐍𝐨𝐰" 🩷💚

𝐌𝐲 𝐒𝐡𝐚𝐲𝐥𝐚𝐬 😭💘 │ 𝐓𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐤 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐒𝐨 𝐌𝐮𝐜𝐡❤️‍🩹

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I just became aware of the world around me for 30 seconds max and you've already managed to make me wish my heart stopped while I was asleep. Because why are you mad at me for you having to iron your own son's school pants??? You're mad you have to iron it even though you gave yourself that task??? You said yourself that you'd handle the ironing of clothes since everyone else had other things to get ready for in the morning.

"That phone you love so much? You go loose it. Because you really pissing me off." EXCUSE YOU?!?

WHAT THE FUCK DOES MY PHONE HAVE TO DO WITH ANY-FUCKING-THING???

Idk if you haven't realized but when was the last time you could complain about the floors being dusty? When was the last time you could complain about the dishes being dirty? When was the last time you could complain about the stove being dirty (right after food was finished being made mind you) When was the last time you could complain about dirty clothes? Or the closest being a mess? Or not finding your shoes under the bed?

I'm stuck at home with the two youngest kids NOT EVEN BY CHOICE and I make it a point to try and keep the place and tidy and neat as possible for 24 hours EVERY DAY because YOU REFUSE to take me to go apply for jobs! I can't do that on my own because I don't have a fucking cent to my name and to get to town I need money because transport costs money!

Don't start ranting early in the mornings as if I haven't been doing shit the entire time I'm home! The only motherfucking thing I don't do is cook and it's only because #1 - I fucking can't and #2 - I'm scared I'll end up wasting ingredients if I tried cause we're broke as fuck, which is no ones fault but you and our moms, and I don't wanna waste anything.

You're recalling the ONE TIME I didn't do the dishes on time in the last month and 2 weeks and blaming it on a phone I didn't have until a week ago?!? You're upset because in the rush of constantly cleaning, dealing with screaming kids on behalf of my mother so she can rest after work and my own screaming mind that never shuts the fuck up, I didn't secure my brothers school pants? Okay yeah I could've hung it up but I didn't think of that, yk why? Cause I was thinking about the living room I needed to clean and the kitchen I needed to clean and the clothes I needed to wash

I forced myself into a sleep schedule so I can do things at a more convenient time for everyone else even though it fucking kills me to be doing anything during the damn day. I work better in the late hours but that's not convenient so I tried to fix the problem and you apparently don't see that. I was up doing chores at 1-2am because our pipe lines suck and we never get running water every day so I needed to refill everything in the house while I could. I also needed to wash as much clothes as possible before they water left. I went to bed at 3 in the fucking morning after having maintained a sleep schedule that has me knocked tf out by 12am.

I was a fucking MESS the next day but STILL managed to follow the fake routine I'd built up. Nothing I do is a routine. I have to actively make the decision to do all those things because adhd is a fucking bitch. And maybe I do rush some days to get back on my phone but that's because I have to play housewife as the oldest kid and haven't left my house beyond going to the shops in the neighborhood twice a week AT MOST. I'M LOOSING MY FUCKING MIND HERE YOU PRICK!!!

So my mom and sister are going to a movie night thingy tomorrow night. Its an outdoor, under-the-stars kinda thing. My sis told me.she told my mom to let me go with her but our mom said no. Didn't actually even tell me :D Why? I'm not sure tbh. Why she won't let me go? Still don't know :)

Am I upset? A little bit? Mainly cause #1 I love spending time with people, #2 this would've been great bonding for my sis and I because I actually wanna spend time with the little wretch😭 #3 I love anything to do with the night, the night sky and stars. Even if my blind ass wouldn't properly be able to see anything, I've been glasses free for 3 years now I'm used to it.