tw: ableism, mentions of death, illness, and struggles of disability

I was talking to a family member today about how I had a flare up so bad on Monday that I couldn't walk or talk

like, I felt so fatigued that it was hard to breathe. let me say that again: it was hard to breathe

sometimes when my illness gets really bad I think holy shit is my body shutting down? am I dying?

but I'm not dying, this is normal for me. feeling so ill that I think I'm dying is normal for me. normal for people who have ME, so guess what?

I persevere.

sometimes I can't persevere though when it gets too much for me to bear, so I rest during those flare ups because fucking hell I do not want to get worse through PEM

but then this family member looks at me and laughs:

"Oh I think I would've just powered through it."

Really?

Really???

Okay, here let me just give you my body because I would gladly take yours. I wish I fucking had energy that lasted more than a minute, but no.

sadly I wake up every fucking day with no energy. I wake up, and it feels like I haven't slept a week. imagine that! imagine sleeping and not feeling rested, and no, I'm not talking about the normal tiredness

I'm talking about the fatigue you get when you're on 15 hours of no sleep, your body is shaking, and your mind is hazy. I'm talking about the fatigue you get when you have the flu. that soul crushing feeling.

that is my reality

so don't you dare say that you would "push through it," as if that isn't my whole entire existence.

every day I'm pushing through it, because if I had a choice, I would be in bed every fucking second because of this illness, despite my wants. because I'm tired. I'm so tired.

I can't experience the world. I'm 21 years old and I feel 80. my life has been taken away from me, and I can only get the small joys in life online. I wish I could work full time. I wish I could hangout with people past the 5 o'clock hour and not feel dead. I wish I could meet people who didn't leave me the second they realize that I come with "inconveniences," those inconveniences being my disabilities.

I wish I could just live

but I can't.

and if you felt like how I do

The only thing I could think about that whole video was basil, for obvious reasons

But like, it’s so perfect, I might actually have to buy it. I mean, his favorite food is strawberry cheesecake, it’s too perfect to pass up

This also may or may not be an excuse to feed my addiction to soaps. Honestly, anything that smells good. Candles, incense, essential oils, soaps, perfumes, colognes, wax melts, literally anything that smells nice. I was not allowed to go into a bath and body works alone, past tense because I now choose not to shop at Bath and body Works