#crit fail

"Uh Oh," a short hidden track on the CD version of "Dungeons & Dragons: Official Roleplaying Soundtrack” by Midnight Syndicate, 2003 — Video clip featuring vintage dice, Moldvay’s 1981 Basic D&D rule book, and module B2: The Keep on the Borderlands.

In addition to being inspired by Dungeons & Dragons, we love playing the game. We just wanted to add one little fun bit to the end of the soundtrack while giving a nod to our fellow adventurers.

I matched with a cute girl earlier today, and we spent a couple hours talking about our shared interests in podcasts and history and weird niche topics nobody else cares about. It was nice, and I asked her if she wanted to get lunch sometime this week. She said she'd like that, but then immediately changed the subject to talk about her job instead of scheduling the date. I mean, that's not TOO weird, I figure she must have wanted to say no but didn't want to hurt my feelings. Whatever. No big deal. We keep talking.

She mentioned that she works as a medical scribe at a doctor's office, and I said that that sounds like a wizard's apprentice. She said that medicine is the intersection between science and magic. I replied with a throwaway joke that chemistry is just alchemy with a little flair, and then shit went off the rails because she sent me a link to a pornhub video titled "We came at the same Time - Sensual Side Fuck" and said "me when someone tells me they're an alchemist."

A cute girl sends me a literal porn link after dodging the question of whether she wanted to go on a date, so I'm confused as hell. I don't know if this is her way of flirting or what, so I replied "I'd be down to practice some alchemy if you're not busy." I regretted saying it immediately because I never talk to anyone like that, I was just blind sided by the porn and thought maybe she would think it was funny. Well, after a few minutes she says "did you just ask to fuck me?"

Okay, I'm going down in flames, I crossed a line, that alchemy "joke" was inappropriate and creepy and she's clearly not into it and she's probably gonna unmatch me and block me and report me or something. I'm still confused over the direction the conversation is going, but I decide it'd be better if I apologize and go on the defensive instead of doubling down like a jackass. I tell her "no, not really," I'm not soliciting a stranger for sex, I was just yes-anding. She sent a porn link. What was I supposed to say? How was I supposed to respond?

Another few minutes pass. I was 100% sure that when I reopened the app she would be gone, but no, she finally replied "I was hoping you were..."

What kind of mind game is this? Is she just looking for a hookup? Her profile specifically says she's not! I have no idea what's going on.

"Did you just ask to fuck me?" My honest answer would have been "yes, isn't that what you wanted?" but the thought of saying that to somebody makes me feel like a douchebag. Her tone with that question didn't sound flirty, it sounded accusatory, like she was outraged I had the audacity to ask for sex so soon. My social anxiety is going through the roof. Whoops, turns out she actually WAS flirting and DID want to have sex, and I've managed to waffle it and sound like an asshole no matter what I say. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

From my perspective:

Her: *posts meme about sex* (it's just a meme, nothing more. Don't read into it)

Me: *flirty memey response* (could go either way; I'm not outright saying I want to have sex with her, I'm just matching her energy. She memes about sex, I reply in kind because I thought it would be weirder go ignore it)

Her: oh my god, did you really just say that? Did you really think I wanted to have sex with you?

Me: I'm sorry, I overstepped

Her: mind games, dumbass! You don't know what I want, motherfucker!"

From her perspective:

Her: our conversation is going well, let me drop a big hint that I want to hook up

Me: picks up on the hint

Her: really?

Me: NO!

Her: oh... okay... nevermind...

So then I take a step back and try to see if there's any way whatsoever to salvage this dumpster fire of a conversation. I admit that I'm confused and ask her point blank if she wanted to have sex. I legitimately don't know if she was making a move or not, and I need her to know that I'm not the kind of guy who asks for sex as an opening move but I'm not opposed to it if she's the one bringing it up. There's no way to fix this. I failed at this interaction. I need to cut my losses, but somehow we keep talking.

She says, quote "I like making art and love. Sometimes at the same time, ya know?"

I say "do you want to make love?"

She says "we probably should."

I ask her if she'd like to get something to eat first, as was my initial date plan before the porn thing. Her response confused me even more. "I can't right now. I'm exhausted from traveling all weekend. I haven't eaten and feel like I'm gonna pass out." That reply doesn't make sense. It's Wednesday and she says she's too hungry to get dinner. That's when I noticed that her previous message ended with a period.

"We probably should," period. I scrolled back up through our conversation and realized that EVERY message she sent me ended with a period. Every single one! Oh, and some of them weren't even direct responses to anything I said, so now I'm 1000% convinced that she's a bot. I got tricked into talking for three hours with a bot, and I derailed the scam by rolling a nat 1 critical fail when it tried to sext me.

I ask "her" point blank when she wants to meet up, and it said "I need to eat first. Make food, not war, lol. Where are your top places to grab food?"

Bot. Almost certainly a bot.

My final reply, in the extraordinarily small off chance that she's not a bot, was to say it depends on my mood, before losting three or four of my go-to places.

"She" didn't unmatch, but she ghosted me. No reply.

Bot. Absolutely a bot. No doubt about it.

Well…. Shit 😂

teehee

NO BUT I THEMED THE ENTIRE FIRST SEGMENT AROUND ECHOES LIKE THATS THE FUCKIN. METAPHOR. I WAS BASING IT OFF THIS HOUSE OF LEAVES QUOTE WHICH IS THE FIRST THING IN THE FIC:

“A reflective surface must stand at least 56 1⁄2 ft away in order for a person to detect the doubling of her voice. […] Myth makes Echo the subject of longing and desire. Physics makes Echo the subject of distance and design. Where emotion and reason are concerned both claims are accurate.”