#crack posts

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Crack Post Masterlist here

Thirst Tweet Masterlist here

Presented by Luke and Kieran

Luke: [talking incredibly fast] Okay, we're back.

Kieran: [looking at Luke] What’s wrong with you? 

Luke: I want it on record that this [gestures wildly] was a bad idea.

Kieran: [proud] It’s our best idea. EVER.

Luke: [shaking his head] I swear you were dropped on your head as a baby.

Kieran: [bold as balls, smug as shit] Then why aren't you affected? Huh? Got brain damage by osmosis?

Luke: [sighs] So. Thirst tweets.

Kieran: For anyone new here, thirst tweets are those unfiltered thoughts you have when a someone exists too loudly on your screen.

Luke: … and your brain does the Windows shutdown noise.

Kieran:  The “feral gremlin gimme gimme” thoughts.

Luke: The kind of thing you type at 3am, stare at for ten seconds, whisper 'delete'...

Kieran: … and then hits post anyway. With confidence.

Luke: And regret.

Kieran: … brought to you by sleep deprivation and bad decisions. (Don't worry, these 'tweets' aren't real - completely fictional)

Luke: And today [sighs and pauses for a long time] … we're doing the last of the quint.

Kieran: Yeah. The most hyped one. 

Luke: The man whose fans do not whisper. [in tiny] no pressure

Kieran: They bark.

Luke: In tags. In comments.

Kieran: They've got custom emoticons and a spreadsheet of his veins. [face drops in realisation]... Luke, I take it back, this was a terrible idea.

Luke: You’re finally agreeing with me?

Kieran: [turns to Luke] yeah, because he agreed… somehow.

Luke: I still don't understand why he agreed.

Kieran: That's because you're thinking like a sane person.

Sylus: You invited me.

Luke: WE DIDN'T THINK YOU'D COME.

Kieran: We thought you'd send a lawyer.

Luke: Or send a cease and desist.

Kieran: Or a threat.

Sylus: [confidently] I considered it. [pauses] Then, I decided this would be more entertaining.

Luke: That's not comforting at all.

Kieran: We’re about to hand him the internet equivalent of a live grenade.

Sylus: [crossing his legs] I'm very comfortable.

Kieran: WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?!

Luke: That's upsetting. 

Kieran: You keep raising the stakes.

Luke: Alright. [deep breath, hands on knees like he's about to throw up] Worst decision we've ever made collectively.

Kieran: The Bossman™️.

Both: Sylus [silence]

Sylus: Proceed.

💬 TWEET 1

“mc calls him ‘Little S’ and now i’m concerned. is that cute? is that flirty? is that about his dick? because if so, i need them to run.”

Luke: [really confused] Little S??

Kieran: Sounds like a terrible SoundCloud rapper.

Luke: No but seriously… is that cute or are they being shady?

Kieran: [leans in, deadpan] I need context.

Sylus: [shrugs] It’s their nickname.

Luke: And you’re okay with that?

Sylus: Depends how they say it.

Kieran: [mocking tone] “Yes, Little S…”

Sylus: [calmly] You can be replaced.

💬 TWEET 2

“he calls you kitten while you’re weeping into his silk sheets. then laughs. 💸💸💸 before talking you through it like a goddamn audiobook.”

Sylus: [laughs]

Kieran: That’s not a laugh, that's an OnlyFans paywall sound.

Luke: You know that laugh sounds like money right?

Kieran: Yeah, expensive... Like the laundry bill. 

Sylus: Like you boys would do the laundry.

Luke: I'd need a hazmat to touch your bedsheets.

💬 TWEET 3

“sylus’ aftercare be like: ‘drink some water, sweetie.’ meanwhile you’re lying there with your legs twitching like they’re rehearsing for a k-pop comeback.”

Luke: [laughing] Such a Badass.

Kieran: [in tiny] he can come on my back.

[Luke and Sylus stare at Kieran]

Kieran: [continues in tiny] he could spit in my mouth and call it hydration.

Luke: [stares into the void] How are we from the same egg?

Sylus: I also brought a heated towel and cut strawberries into little hearts.

Luke: [slow-blinks] That's somehow worse.

Kieran: What?

Luke: [to Kieran] You should come with a trigger warning.

Kieran: HA, you said come!

💬 TWEET 4

“he doesn’t tease. he gaslights your orgasm. ‘you haven’t cum yet.’ sir, there’s a puddle. my soul left the building and took my spine with it.”

Sylus: I never said they didn’t. 

Luke: [hiding his face] OH MY GOD!

Sylus: I implied they could do better.

Luke: That’s not teasing… that’s a final boss mechanic.

Kieran: Me reading the damage report like “they used to walk???”

💬 TWEET 5

”’breathe, you’re doing well’ he says. ‘go down, just a little more’ he coos. my divine sovereign. i am trying my fucking best while choking on praise, on duty, on dick. i’ve already hit the floor. fuck. i am the floor”

Sylus: You’re the floor, huh?

Luke: [laughing until he chokes] WH.. WAIT… THE FLOOR?!

Kieran: [laughing so hard he falls off his chair] I knew he was freaky but…

Sylus: I’m not apologising.

Luke: [wiping tears] I really didn’t need to picture this…

Kieran: [snorting on the floor. crying. holding his guts. looking like he'll either piss or shit himself]

Luke: [follows Kieran with laughing] We’re not surviving this… Kieran, stop laughing…

[2 minutes pass]

Sylus: [nonchalantly] My little bird earned every word of praise.

Kieran: I'd read the whole doctrine. Latin chants. [does hand gestures] Book of Thirstalonians.

Luke: I feel like I've been spiritually violated.

Sylus: You volunteered.

Kieran: Bro, I would kneel.

Luke: He'd step on you.

Kieran: That's what I'm hoping for. Also, [trying to hold it together] hehe … actually… ‘divine sovereign’ kinda slaps… hehehe

Luke: [smirks] Should we be calling him that?

Kieran: [covers his mouth trying to hold back]

Luke: Like … hehe…

Sylus: Don’t.

Luke: hehehe… your highness…

Kieran: [blurts out uncontrollably] DADDY!!!

[Luke and Kieran fall to the floor dying with laughter]

Sylus: [pinches his nose bridge] Why am I even here?

💬 TWEET 6

“you cum once and sylus gets that look. the one that says ‘congratulations, i knew you could handle it.’ sir, this is my last life bar.”

Sylus: I didn’t get to use my ult either.

Kieran: What is this, a smash cut between Valorant and PornHub ?

Luke: WHO THE FUCK HAS AN ULT IN BED?!

Sylus: [smirks] I built combo points.

Kieran: My man is using EVOL on cooldown.

Mephi: CAW!

Luke: EVEN THE BIRD’S IN ON IT?!

Sylus: [smirks]

Kieran: [stood on his chair] FINISH THEM!

Mephi: CAW!

💬 TWEET 7

“he doesn’t need to tie me up. he just needs to say ‘stay like this. don’t move’ like he’s talking to a misbehaving pet, and i would obey while my pussy purred.”

Sylus: [raises brow] Don’t move. 

Luke: Oh my god, it’s the tone.

Kieran: I’ve heard that tone.

Sylus: You moved.

Kieran: [drools and purrs]

Luke: I hate how fast you submitted.

Kieran: My body hears that voice and just auto-submits. I don't get a choice. Don’t judge me.

💬 TWEET 8

“sylus has an armoury, library, and a forge. man’s in there smelting cheeks and crafting post-nut poetry. i would let that man weaponise my cervix.”

Sylus: ...I do write better after. 

Luke: [wiping tears from his eyes] 'Smelting cheeks' is crazy… I’m crying.

Kieran: [laughing] That post-nut poetry tho *chef’s kiss*

Luke: [in the foetal position on the floor] ‘Weaponise my cervix’ lives in my head now. rent-free. 

Kieran: It made me black out, open my Notes app, and write smut, Luke!

💬 TWEET 9

“sylus in rut isn’t an event. it’s a threat. man said ‘completely devour you’ like it’s a bad thing. sir, i’m ready to disappear until you’re satiated.”

Sylus: I did warn them. I had their consent.

Luke: Consent or not, I heard that room was redecorated afterwards.

Mephi: CAW CAW!

Sylus: [shrugs] I was hungry.

Kieran: Hungry? Just order a 50 piece Mcnugget share box like everyone else.

Sylus: I’m not that greedy.

Kieran: [eyebrow raised] I thought you could never be satisfied.

Mephi: [in tiny] caw

Sylus: [stares and pauses]

Kieran: PLEASE DON’T FIRE ME.

💬 TWEET 10

“i don’t need aftercare. i need a wheelchair, a blood transfusion, and a support group for ‘people who took both Ds and met the fucking abyss.’”

Luke and Kieran stare at Sylus: Both?

Sylus: [blinks] Both.

Luke: [confused] But… what…

Sylus: I said what I said.

Kieran: [nodding] Both is good.

Luke: I feel like I’m missing something.

Kieran: You know why the boss gets tailored trousers right?

Sylus: [deadpan] I’m not tucking anything.

Luke: [screams internally]

Kieran: I’ll get the book.

Luke: What book?

Sylus: [talking at the same time as Kieran] The Hobbit. Uncut.

Kieran: [talking at the same time as Sylus] My fanfic archive. Annotated.

Kieran: [stares at Sylus] Wait… is that canon now?

Luke: What, The Hobbit ?

Kieran: No… both.

Sylus: It is for you.

Kieran: … So... that concludes Sylus' Thirst Tweets.

Luke: [blinking slowly] I…I need a minute. I'm overheating.

Kieran: That's not heat, bro, that's fight-or-flight. Your body's trying to escape.

Luke: From what?! The truth?!

Sylus: [leans back, slow exhale] You smell like fear.

Luke: [panics] What do you mean smell like…

Kieran: Oh my god. He's tracking us.

Sylus: [dry] I warned you. You opened the cage.

Kieran: Oh god… he's right. We poked the bear.

Luke: No, we invited the dragon to speak. And now he's out here dragging his scaly balls across the internet.

Sylus: [sips water] Marking territory.

Kieran: I feel like we've dropped a level on the food chain.

Luke: We're not hosts anymore. We're meat.

Kieran: [panicking] Is this how gazelles feel?!

Sylus: [stretching] I am carnivorous.

Kieran: Nice to meet you carnivorous. I’m feral… and hard!

Luke: I don't want to be on the food chain anymore! I want to be… I want to be… moss. Something no one can fuck.

Kieran: That's not how Sylus works. If it breathes, it thirsts.

Luke: [fully spiraling] We're just mammals. The fandom's mammals. Everyone's fucking mammals!

Kieran: [singing The Bad Touch by Bloodhound Gang] “You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals…”

Luke: [dead inside] Stop.

Kieran: [stood on his chair dancing] …“So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel…”

Sylus: [flat] You're tone deaf.

Kieran: “Love. The kind you clean up with a mop and bucket!”

Sylus: [pulls out one more Thirst Tweet] Wait… This bucket isn't empty. 

Luke: Don’t… please. Have mercy.

💬 BONUS TWEET: 

“you ever hear sylus say 'do you like it?' and suddenly you’re cum-ghosting out of your own body? no? just me?” 

Kieran: No… because actually... same. 

Luke: Being ghosted by your own orgasm is insane. 

Sylus: If I say it like that, I mean it. 

Luke: I need to leave. 

Kieran: You can't. The ghost took your shoes.

Luke: [addressing readers] Hi. I'd like to formally apologise to the fandom for thinking we could survive this.

Kieran: It's been real. Real long.

Mephi: CAW

Luke: What does that mean?! Was that the kill signal?!

Kieran: [still buzzing] Okay. That was it, right? That was the last one? We survived?

Sylus: [scrolling his phone] … There's one more.

Luke and Kieran together: WHAT THE FUCK?!

💬 BONUS TWEET:

“i want sylus to fuck me so hard my soul high-fives mephi on the way out.”

Kieran: [drops mic] I just burst an emotional blood vessel.

Luke: [whimpering] Not Mephi…

Mephi: [distressed] caw 

Kieran: That bird didn't ask to be involved.

Sylus: [laughing] He watched.

Luke: [on his knees on the floor, head in his hands] You're all going to hell.

Kieran: I'm driving the bus.

Luke: [begging the ceiling] I don’t want to play anymore.

Kieran: [looking at Sylus] We need to shut this down before someone (Luke) turns into spiritual roadkill.

Luke: [hollow] I was someone once.

Sylus: [stands] You did well.

Luke: I'm not even hard anymore…

Kieran: WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT OUT LOUD?! I WOULD. BUT YOU WOULDN’T. SYLUS, DO SOMETHING?!

Mephi: [low mechanical screech] CAW... CAW…

Kieran: No. No, no, no… don't send the bird… Bossman™️, wait!

Luke: [backing away muttering] I need a young priest and an old priest.

Sylus: [to Mephi] Be nice. We still need him for content.

[Mephi swoops]

Luke: [running away screaming] 

Mephi: CAW!

Kieran: [watching him get dragged out by Mephi] I told you. I told you the tweets weren't safe.

Luke: [being dragged out to the car by Mephi] YOU DIDN’T TELL ME SHIT, KIERAN!

Sylus: [puts his phone away and grabs his car keys] I'll save the rest for next time.

Kieran: [follows Sylus] There's going to be a next time?!

Sylus: There's always a next time.

Hosted by ©Sylusslittlekitten - All rights reserved

Crack Post Masterlist here

@snekatiemainy I don’t think he’d like it.

the absolute minimum age he could've been in TFATWS is 21 (if he enlisted at 17, and adding a mean average of 4 years to reach lieutenant rank), which is two years younger than Peter would've been by then had he not Blipped. I don't think Joaquín was that young, probably more 23 range? he struck me as early 20s