#cotdp

How about Phil Ferguson headcanon(s) now?

Ahhh.

Where Tyler has a bionic voice, Phil has a bionic eye, a half-magenta-draped gaze that searches over the hardware in people’s brains…checking their loyalties, interests, and everything that Binjpipe can use.

Kenny still has nightmares about it cutting into his soul. Recruiting him.

WAIT WAIT WAIT… WAITWAITWAITWAITWAIT- /ref

Canon!Tyler Burke had learned about the existence of Binjpipe on August 1st, 2024. He’s gonna experience the same horrors COTDP!Tyler did..

(anyway, wouldn’t it be funny if this was how Tyler got a job at Binjpipe in COTDP?)

COTDP: "Tie It Up (VNMTRL Pt. 1)"

*We open on Jackbox, half-head, half-cardboard, all overpowered. He's floating by a gravestone labelled "Paul Reubens", which has a rainbow-dyed bouquet of lilies laid under it.*

Jackbox: Ah. Miss you, man. *pats the stone, hears another cosmic being popping in behind him* Jill or Cookie, Cookie or Jill...*scrunches his forehead, turns around* Cookie! *apparates two black, twig-like arms beside his box to lightly hug Cookie around the clock-head*

Cookie Masterson: *with his clock hands whirring a bit faster than usual and his fez slightly askew* Jack, we got a real pickle on our paws.

Jack: I like pickles. *sticks his tongue out over his box's rim* Got any? *very mumbled*

Cookie: *pushes the tongue back in with one gloved, floating hand* No. Guy's in trouble.

Jack: *pulls his arms to his sides again* Guy? Guy Towers, the You Don't Know Jack: Sports Guy? One of our closest friends in the past 30 years despite just being a regular human? Jock with a heart of gold? Stretchy powers you gave him for fun? That Guy?

Cookie: Thanks for the exposition. *crosses his arms* He went over to Patch 2 and came back poisoned or some shit.

Jack: No need to curse. Which game was he at?

Cookie: Bomb Corp. He still looked a little pixelated...I wish I got a picture of that.

Jack: Ok, well, did it seem like anything had blown up in his face? Literally?

Cookie: He said his ears were ringing, but that's about par when you're playing golf with package bombs.

Jack: Ringing ears...*shifts what can be seen of his own ears into little bells and rings them, producing a tinnitus-like sound, before returning them to normal* How is he "poisoned"?

Cookie: *snaps his fingers, summons an utterly empty cookie jar* Not. Even. A crumb.

Jack: *looks inside* Guy's not the type to take the last one...*squints in worry*

Cookie: It's not the only thing he's used his putty arms to grab. *flails his own arms around for emphasis* Sometimes he just reaches them out the window, and they come back with piles of cash...or a diamond...or some dinosaur bone...

Jack: Stealing? Alright, that's not him at all. *poofs off, shot cuts to the hangout where Cookie and Guy (along with Schmitty, Nate Shapiro and Buzz Lippman) spend a lot of their time* TOWERS!

Guy: *rolling a pair of large, cubic gems in his hands; he stretches his fingers into a cage over them when he sees Jack* Hey. What's up?

Jack: *peers over the lip of his box* Wherever you got those, put them back. Now.

Guy: Why should I?

Jack: Wh-why SHOULDN'T you?? What's gotten into you...Cookie told me something happened at Bomb Corp?

Guy: Ohh, the dreams started then, yeah. *says it so nonchalantly, you'd be forgiven for ignoring it...but Jack definitely doesn't*

Jack: Dreams of?

Guy: Green stuff. And long, flat sounds.

Jack: Anything else?

Guy: Ugh, get off my back.

Jack: *puts his little arms on the closest approximation of his hips* Ok. You're definitely, and pardon my language, sick in the head right now.

Guy: And if I am?

Jack: Then we'll have to make you better.

Guy: *stretches one leg out the window* Good luck with that. *turns to where Jack can now see his face*

Jack: *gasps* Your hair!

Guy: *twirls one of the green highlights around his fingers and chuckles* Pretty venomous, right? *vanishes out the window and bounces off with his legs like Elastigirl*

Jack: Ohhhh, no! Not getting away that easy! *conjures a hammer (Jack Attack reference) and flies on it like a broom using his little twiggy legs*

*cut back to Cookie, chilling in the cemetery and tracing circles in the grass*

Cookie: *rolls over onto his back* 10 bucks says Jack punches him.

*The grave, of course, does not respond.*

Cookie: Uh-huh, yeah, you know I'm right. *clock hands go to the neutral 3:45 position* Fuck, I'm bored...*clock hands drop to 5:30 in shock as he sees Guy's legs walk over the whole cemetery in one step* What the SHIT???

Jack: *still flying right behind, voice very faint to Cookie's ears* Nooooooooooo currrrrrrsiiiiiiiiing!

Cookie: *sits up with his hands folded in his laps, takes human form out of surprise* ...Man. I gotta see how this goes. *black-and-white eyes turn to clocks with rapidly spinning hands, throwing his vision into the future (the shot doesn't change, so we can't see what Cookie does)* Ahyeeeesh. Creeps.

*cut to Jack frantically searching for Guy, who has apparently switched to regular running*

Jack: How do you lose someone with stretching powers...*scans the streets for that mop of green-streaked purple hair and locates it in front of a very large, very eerie-seeming house* Uh-oh.

*Looking around the gates in front of the house, Guy finds a tray laid out with a single earbud on it. He puts the earbud in, and his eyes turn a solid green as a monotone, droning sound worms its way into his head. Words emanate from this recording as well, faintly telling Guy to stretch farther and taller and become more extreme in his actions.*

The voice in the earbud: *droning like the sound that goes with it* Do you know...what I want...?

Guy: For me to be better. For my arms to be long enough.

The voice in the earbud: So you need to...

Guy: Steal. Take. Push the limits.

The voice in the earbud: Because isn't that what a strong athlete does...?

Guy: *smiles* Yes. Strong athletes push the limits. And I am a strong athlete.

The voice in the earbud: Perfect. Now...*yawns* It's only 3 PM. Let me sleep a few hours longer...

Guy: Talk to you tonight. *in the deadest voice possible; removes the earbud and sets it down before continuing on back to the hangout like nothing happened (even the glimmers in his hair have vanished)*

Jack: *floats down to meet Guy face-to-face* ...Are you OK?

Guy: *smiles* Yeah. I'm gonna play some ball if you wanna join.

Jack: *blinks* O-ok...just a minute. *poofs back to the cemetery* Cookie, what in all manner of flapjacks is happening? He's NORMAL again!!

Cookie: *shrugs* I did take a pop to the future...some sort of cat-and-dog thing going on in that house over there.

Jack: The one that Guy was JUST AT?

Cookie: Oh. Oh, boy.

*cut to black, followed by two strings of text: One, a normal green, reading, "Why am I behind bones?" The other, far too bright a green, reading, "For me to gnaw on."*

*Another obscenely verdant line appears on its own, saying, "This is all the fun I get with you."*

Only the one at the moment (TW for body horror)

What are Buzz’s opinions on each of the other Re-Riders in COTDP-HWGA?

Ooh, good question!

Buzz trusts Conan because Cookie trusts Conan, and the only reason Buzz is the Studio Announcer for the Re-Ride is because Cookie asked it of him.

Tyler and Buzz occasionally go out and get drunk at the nearest bar after an episode is played. Buzz only ever drinks mead (honey ;D), and Tyler is partial to a good wine (reminds Buzz of Nate).

Buzz and Sam are completely neutral. Not really much to say.

Buzz thinks of Kenny as a loser but won’t say it to his face. He doesn’t have the heart to, since it’s not even related to anything to do with Phil (Buzz also hates Phil). It’s just a weird opinion.

Prankster, I am *HOOKED*

*sips apple juice like wine*

...

DO you have a Guy reference I can use? For...reasons?

7:15 pm, 3/30/26

I do NOT. However, I can say he looks something like…

(10 minutes of scribbling on Notes)

THIS!

His pants always cover his shoes. He wears NEON green, practically all the time. He has pseudo-heterochromia from being hit in the face with a ball as a child (one eye’s a slightly lighter brown than the other). He is a white dude, though prolly pretty tan. The long purplish hair was from a gothic phase in college that he chose to keep around.

HOWEVER, Wired Guy’s face is much more like…

This.

Only took a week, but I have another host interp down!

Rue can hypnotize the Roomies in COTDP; that’s how she flips their personalities around. But don’t worry about it, they’re fine (it’s a fun counteract to Binjpipe, now that I think about it)!