#cosmere lists

My favourite Stormlight Podcast, Highly Invested, just had a fun section with "What sports teams would Cosmere characters support?" They listed a lot of US sports teams that didn't mean a lot to me, so I did my own. Sorry, very niche. I had the time of my life.

Kaladin = Borussia Dortmund

Working-class hero.

Constant suffering is part of his identity. Every year Dortmund gives him exactly enough hope to continue.

Every year: "This time it'll be different."

Every year: pain.

Would rather finish second honorably than win a title in a dirty way.

Adolin = SC Freiburg

Well-dressed.

Everyone likes him.

Knows everyone by name and would absolutely come to the stadium by bike. (The bike's name is Surewheel.)

Has no problem not always being the center of attention.

Would sincerely congratulate the opponent after a loss.

Jasnah = Bayer Leverkusen

Intelligent.

Efficient.

Evidence-based.

Considers most discussions a waste of time.

Is regularly hated by more emotional people because of it.

Shallan = Borussia Dortmund

Child Shallan: Dortmund are exciting and colorful and everybody talks about them. Veil: Dortmund are anti-Bayern and that's reason enough. Radiant: Dortmund represent tradition, values, and proper football culture. Actual Shallan: These are all completely different arguments. Veil: Yes. Radiant: Correct.

Renarin = Also Bayer Leverkusen.

Has been a fan since earliest childhood, but is constantly asked, "Since when have YOU been here? Only since they won the league in 2024, right?" Renarin: "I've been here the whole time." Plus, he likes things quiet.

Amaram - Bayern München

Amaram is the Bayern fan who explains after a defeat: "If we'd interpreted the rules a little more flexibly, we would've won."

And five minutes later you discover he bribed the referee, sold three academy players, and locked the dressing-room door.

Meanwhile, Gavilar still explains to the other team's fans all during the bus ride from the stadium how Bayern should have won, nay, actually did win if you squint.

Kelsier = Borussia Dortmund

Charismatic, revolutionary.

Partly defines himself through opposition to the establishment.

His followers still believe in him even when all objective evidence says they shouldn't.

Vin = Union Berlin

Came from absolutely nothing.

Trusts nobody.

Extremely tough.

Plays much harder than people initially expect.

They call themselves "The Iron Ones" - how much more metal do you need it??

Elend Venture = SC Freiburg

Idealist.

Believes in reasonable solutions.

Would probably read DFL regulations voluntarily.

Bonus: The Lord Ruler IS Bayern Munich. Not a fan. The club. He won the league a thousand years ago and sees no reason whatsover why things should ever change.

Wax = Borussia Mönchengladbach

Tradition.

Sense of duty.

Just grungy enough to keep up the cowboy image.

Revolvers instead of TikTok.

Horses, too.

He did not copy Günter Netzer's hair and sideburns; Netzer copied Wax.

Thinks things used to make more sense.

Would rather be right than win a championship.

Wayne = 1. FC Köln

Completely insane. They have a goat, who is obviously a kandra in disguise.

Traded for a red-and-white scarf off someone on the tube and has made being an FC fan part of his identity.

Can be a genius for ten minutes and then immediately throw a shopping cart into the Rhine.

Also, the goal tune has the best accent. He just wishes he'd hear it more often. Just to work out what "Kölle Alaaf" actually means. It’s probably High Imperial.

Marasi = Bayer Leverkusen

Intelligent.

Analytical.

Actually competent.

Spends her entire life cleaning up everyone else's mistakes.

Objectively deserves more recognition.

Steris: is not a football fan at all, but knows all about Borussia Mönchengladbach anyway.

So when a Gladbach ultra asks, "So when did you start supporting the club?", Steris answers completely honestly: "I don't."

Then proceeds to explain:

the club's finances,

academy structure,

tactical evolution across four managerial eras,

historical Bundesliga placement trends,

and the probable emotional state of the fanbase.

The ultra just stares. "You've been one of us for years."

So I just opened up my phone and typed a Cosmere character's name plus a verb, and here is what my phone's autocomplete spit out.

1. Kaladin

What I typed: "Kaladin is"

My phone: "Kaladin is a great player but he is not a good player."

Kaladin: ... Kaladin: Is it...a moral judgment? Kaladin: I'm great at what I do but I'm not a good person? Kaladin: ... Kaladin: I don't need any more moral crises!

2. Vin

What I typed: "Vin is"

My phone: "Vin is a good guy and he is a good friend."

Vin: Wow. Assigned guy at phone. Vin: Elend, we are now a gay couple. Elend: ...okay?

3. Nikaro

What I typed: "Nikaro is"

My phone: "Nikaro is a good choice for a lot of people who are looking for a new job."

Nikaro: N-No I'm not! Nikaro: We can only afford like two employees at the noodle shop!

4. Adolin

What I typed: "Adolin loves"

My phone: "Adolin loves to play with me and I love to play with him."

Adolin: Awww. Adolin: I've never met you before, phone, but I'm sure we would be great friends.

5. Nightblood

What I typed: "Nightblood loves"

My phone: "Nightblood loves to be a little bit more than a little bit."

Nightblood: Ha ha, it's so trueee! Nightblood: I'm gonna get that on a shirt. Nightblood: Once I figure out how to wear shirts.

6. Sarene

What I typed: "Sarene loves"

My phone: "Sarene loves to be in the middle of the night and I don't know what to do with him."

Sarene: Has the phone assumed that all names are male? Sarene: There is some gender fuckery going on. Sarane: ...I do love the middle of the night and being a problem, though.

7. Dalinar

What I typed: "Dalinar wants"

My phone: "Dalinar wants to know if you can come over and help me with the car."

Dalinar: I don't know what a car is, but this seems like a message someone has written on my behalf. Dalinar: I write my own messages, you know. Dalinar: Very, very slowly.

8. Steris

What I typed: "Steris wants"

My phone: "Steris wants to know if you want to come over and hang out."

Steris: One, I would write this sort of message myself. Steris: Two, I would be loath to use the words "hang out." Steris: Three, I would not send an invitation via text! Steris: This phone could not know less about me. Steris: Why is that so comforting?

9. Siri

What I typed: "Siri wants"

My phone: "Siri wants to know if you want to go to the beach with me."

Siri: Oooh, a beach!" Siri: ...I'm invited too, right?

10. Szeth

What I typed: "Szeth will"

My phone: "Szeth will be the first to be charged with the murder of a former police officer"

Szeth: ... Nale: ... Szeth: ... Nale: ... Szeth: I can see why the Alethi hate prophecy now.

11. Kelsier

What I typed: "Kelsier will"

My phone: "Kelsier will be in the lineup for the first time since the injury"

Kelsier: Mysterious. I like it. Kelsier: What lineup? What injury? Was my death an injury? Is the lineup about having a body? Kelsier: Prophecy is great!

12. Navani

What I typed: "Navani will"

My phone: "Navani will be the first to be charged with the crime of taking part in the killing of a woman."

[Spoilers! Spoilers for Everything!]

In this list, I will talk about what I thought was the most shocking moment in every Cosmere novel, in publication order. I tried to be fairly vague in the entry titles so that you could potentially skip around to just the books you've read, but please know that this list is just ridiculously laden with spoilers.

1. Elantris: The Head Injury

So this one is shocking in terms of gruesomeness rather than surprise. For me, the most shocking moment in this book was when Raoden tried to feed the small, "dead" child...and then some other men came along and literally beat the child's head in. This being Elantris, the kid wasn't actually dead, but just suffering horribly forever. The scene HAUNTS me.

2. Mistborn: That One Death

I mean, what could I pick for this particular novel other than the shocking death of a main character. I was NOT expecting Kelsier to actually die...and yes, I know, he's still an active character but it's not like he didn't die. He did! Main character--killed off in Book 1 of a trilogy! I didn't see that coming.

3. Well of Ascension: It's Better To Be Selfish, Actually

Faced with choice of whether to take up supreme power to save the love of her life or let Elend die to save the world, Vin made the heroic choice and let the power go. And that was...the wrong answer?? I did not see THAT coming. Like, "letting the power go" meant releasing Ruin, whereas taking the power for herself would have contained it. So for once, it would have been better to take the selfish road rather than going for the heroic sacrifice.

4. Hero of Ages: The Atium Solution

To be fair, the end of Hero of Ages is pretty much just one shocking moment followed by another, especially with the chain of ascensions and deaths. So this may be controversial, but for me, it was the solution of just eating all the atium that surprised me the most. Like, I think I was braced for everyone to die because the book just had that vibe, but I never expected a group of people to just sit there and chow down on all of the atium until it was all gone to keep it from Ruin.

5. Warbreaker: Villain Reveal

Specifically, for me it was Denth & Tonk Fah that really got to me. They were so likable! Until they weren't. There was also Bluefingers for that matter, whom I had also liked up until it was suddenly Human Sacrifice Time. Honestly, Warbreaker did do a pretty good job of obviating who the bad guys were and what was actually going on.

6. Stormlight Archive: Way of Kings: The Trade

There were plenty of shocking moments in this book, to be fair. I could have chosen the whole Sadeas betrayal. The reveal that Jasnah's soulcaster was fake. Elhokar being his own assassin. But I think for me, it was the moment that Dalinar traded his shardblade for the bridgemen. Sanderson had done SUCH a good job of building up the shardblades as, like, the ultimate item of priceless value, the sort of thing that everyone wanted and no one (other than Kaladin) would give up. So when Dalinar gave his shardblade to Sadeas of all people to save the bridgemen, I was legitimately shocked.

7. Mistborn: The Alloy of Law: What Was Lost

Honestly, I was shocked right out of the gate by the fact that there wereren't any mistborn anymore and the atium was gone. Those had been such staples of the original trilogy!

8. Stormlight Archive: Words of Radiance: That One Death

Again, there's always plenty of shockers in a Stormlight book, but in terms of open-mouthed, did-not-see-that-coming reactions from me, it was Adolin stabbing Sadeas to death. Like, what? I had assumed Sadeas was going to be the recurring big bad, and I also didn't think that little scene was going to end in just a quiet back-alley stabbing.

9. Mistborn: Shadows of Self: That Villain Reveal

Anyone else noticing a pattern? Anyway, I was definitely shocked by the Bleeder-is-Lessie reveal in this. Very deeply shocked! Again, I thought it was just one of those classic the-shapeshifter-takes-on-the-form-of-your-loved-ones-so-you-won't-be-able-to-hurt-them moments but, uh, what a devastating deconstruction of the trope that was!

10. Mistborn: The Bands of Mourning: The Spikes

So again, this one may just be me. But I was just really shocked when MeLaan lost her spikes and dissolved. I know there was a villain reveal and the shocking location of the Bands of Mourning and the whole "there's another continent" thing but somehow it was MeLaan dissolving that really got me.

11. Stormlight Archive: Oathbringer: What Wasn't Said

Listen, I thought I knew the pattern. Put Kaladin into a dire enough situation, he'll say some new oaths and fly to everyone's rescue while glowing. So when the situation got real dire, and it looked like our heroes were all doomed, and Kaladin got ready to say his next oaths...and then he didn't? He didn't say them? He couldn't? I was really shocked!

12. Rhythm of War: The Experiments (Not the ones you're thinking of)

I don't know man, what really got me were those super gross spren experiments Ishar was doing with the embodied spren. The whole mass-of-tentacle-head for the cryptic spren was especially horrifying, not to mention vivisection is just intrinsically shocking for me. It's all heads, villains, and deaths for me, huh? (And listen, I read this before I read any Mistborn, so the Thaidakar reveal was TOTALLY lost on me.)

13. Mistborn: The Lost Metal: The Meat Grinder

The big death in this one was spoiled for me, so unfortunately, I wasn't shocked. Also, I'm not sure I would have been shocked just because I was expecting either Wax or Wayne to die. What did shock me was the meat grinder hotel scene, when Wax killed his way to the top floor of that building (was it even a hotel? That's what it is in my head) and just slaughtered everyone on the way.

13. Tress of the Emerald Sea: The Dragon Scene

I was not shocked by the Huck reveal; I'm proud to say I figured that out for myself (woo-hoo!). But I didn't think Tress would get out of the whole being-traded-to-a-dragon thing but trading the person who was supposed to be trading her.

14. Yumi and the Nightmare Painter: The Non-Solution

This one is almost certainly going to just be me. But listen. There is a part of the book where Painter & Yumi are trying to figure out how their separate lives are connected and I don't quite remember why, but I distinctly remember the moment I thought, "Ah ha! It's time travel!" And then. The next sentence. The very next fucking sentence was Design saying, "Well, it's definitely not time travel." And my shock was partly Sanderson reading my mind, and partly that my idea was shot down so quickly!

15. The Sunlit Man: The Fucking Name

I was eagerly reading this book in my office, and when Sigzil was given his new name, I just quietly set my phone down and stared into the distance for like an entire minute, unmoving, unthinking.