#conversationtips

Finally! I have some free time..

My biggest problem?

You see dearest, I have a problem with not wanting to talk to people some days. Like, I would make efforts to avoid those I know, and who I know whould say "hi" to me.

I don't want to have this problem, but I don't know how to make it go away. I am an introvert, yes but I recharge in my room everyday and at the very least I want to be sociable- at least more than I am.

I find that up beat instrumentals like Over the Horizon (SUGA of BTS) has been helping recently, so I will see how that does after a month or so.

Kind of embarrassing to say, but I want to be a socialite and at least a good conversationalist.

So, in need of improving my conversation skills, my research led me to this book: The Art of Conversation: Magic Key to Personal and Social Popularity by James A. Morris Jr.

My college has an abundance of old practical books, and I like to skim through them once in a while to keep life exciting. That's when I found the book.

Personally, I do best when I write down my thoughts along with what I have learned, so this is mainly for me, but I am conscious that it also may help others, so I wanted to share with Hazelline the things I learned in the first chapter - Let's get started!

Chapter 1: Asking Questions - that is basically the whole first chapter

After reading this chapter, I realized that not many people, at least on my college campus, ask many questions, if any. This book is full of examples, so I might as well give you my own. I have a friend whom I talk to when we see each other. I came into the practice of asking questions in a conversation, not perfect, and I feel a bit awkward, but I'm trying, so I give myself credit. When I ask her, she rarely asks back. You know how, when you are asking a question, it may be because you wanted the conversation partner to ask it back… yeah, she doesn’t..in fact, doesn't ask any questions unless I make an obvious statement. I feel disheveled when this happens.

So, after basic greetings, ask questions about topics you think they might be interested in. Don’t know? That's ok, look at their clothes. Anything stands out to you? Ask about it. What is happening around (event, party, gathering, coffee shop, whatever) when you find yourself face-to-face with another person? Ask them about it? opinion? ect ect. just something - even if it sounds dumb (trust me, it is not as dumb as it seems in your head)

WHAT NOT TO ASK. anything sensitive (unless you are in those specific spaces): politics, religion, finances, living situation, (there is probably more, just look it up)

Chapter 2: Now, I will be honest with you, I felt a bit bored here and almost skipped to the next chapter. The chapter is about listening: 5 steps that make your listening pay off.

Productive Listening- yes…I know. I am bored just reading those words, sounds like something they teach in school..but bear with me here, I’ll keep it short.

Controlling thoughts - EMPTY YOUR HEAD WHEN SOMEONE IS TALKING. If someone is talking and a thought/idea pops into your head - stop. If the idea is so great, simply ask them to wait a moment while you write or type it to save it for later, then resume listening. If someone is explaining something to you and you have a question, gently interrupt and ask when you feel a change in topic.

Controlling senses - eye contact will rarely fail you. If you have that dead, 1000-yard stare, focus on doing the triad motion (look at one eye, then the other, then their forehead, with a few seconds between each stage). For the other distractions like sounds, smells, anything that could be distracting - acknowledge it with your partner, then move away if you cannot tune it out.

Controlling your emotions - people feed off of emotions and can tell how you are feeling based off your choice of words and demeanor. If you want to be in their good graces, control it or distance yourself until you can.

Animae, your listening - facial expressions. Practice them in the mirror. People often don't like the idea of people being able to read the expressions on your face or romanticize the idea of not being easily read - yeah, that would be fine if you want to be a statue. Reading each other's expressions is very human; we do it consistently, and in return, we need to make expressions too. Similar to how you would exaggerate your face in front of a baby or a toddler, so they can see and connect expressions with emotions.

I was drawn to this section because I had caught myself doing that Gen Z stare, so I had a lot to learn here. For practice, practice your expressions in the mirror - don’t overdo it, or else you will look crazy. When you think you got it…brace yourself..GO OUTSIDE and practice talking to people with it, see how others respond, and make adjustments accordingly.

To animate your listening, use expressions that reflect the emotions you experience as you listen to the person. Ex. if they say something interesting, show interest: widen your eyes and raise your eyebrows.

Last but not least on chapter 2. How Giving Makes You A Better Listener. Remember what I said about asking questions. Ok, so heads up,you can't ONLY ask questions.

Here is the example given:

See the difference? When you only ask questions and do not add to the conversation whatsoever, it feels strange, like a one-sided conversation, or a lack of personality. If you do this, don't worry - I DO THIS TOO, even without realizing.

Like in the second example, you want to add to the conversation - about your life, experiences, and opinions (opinions are ok, so when called for or obvious, express them). This is the formula i cam up with, before asking a question, say something relevant about yourself than ask them (like in the second example). then just keep adding when you if you been through the same experience or could elevate the conversation. So, just say something about yourself.

As someone who had moved from state to state and between counties since I was barely walking, people are often surprised when I tell them that I am not good at talking to people. Uprooting your life and leaving every 1 to 3 years has left me unsociable - if I had to guess, it is because I am expecting to leave friends behind, so it's to the point where I stopped trying and lost the skills needed to make friends in the first place.

If I had to rate my Conversational skills/Social Wellness on a scale of 1-10, I would give it a 3.

3- I get up, go to class, then work, and go back to my dorm. Maybe I would greet someone I recognize, but any social skills I would have are from work, where I interact with people the whole shift with practiced dialogue - “How can I help you?”

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