#contemplative thoughts

// doing a self reflective think and I think part of the reason why I enjoy writing Faust in the FMA verse is because it’s like…real time. I get to write him as his true self, a powerful abusive and very dangerous egomaniac with an unquestioning force behind him who is able to use that power to make even his strongest dissenters bow to his will, and people are able to react as things happen.

I can’t do that with main verse Faust because unless the characters are there in the actual Faust Saga, he’s already dead and gone. It’s like the difference of being alive during WW2 vs reading about it in history afterwards. The atrocities are the same regardless, but there’s a sort of helplessness of being part of the after where like…you feel awful but there’s nothing you can do. What’s been done is done. Whereas if you’re part of it, you might not be able to change the overall war, but you tried to save the lives of those around you. You’re able to make changes, make things better the best you can or at least try to.

And I could write more main verse Faust stuff out of his ghost reacting, but I feel like it isn’t fun for people knowing that ultimately the actions their characters take won’t change the story. Faust takes over, Bellows goes through two years of hell, Irene manages her rebellion, and peace is ultimately restored. Sure they can do the little things, but who has fun playing the farmer who worries about taxes when you could be in the thick of the drama

Intellectual maturity and emotional maturity are two completely different things.

Bruh, if you really think about it, the whole Megaman X timeline is FUCKED UP

First, X1: Zero dies by self-destructing, and loses all his body parts

X2: X collects all of Zero’s body parts

X5: X’s bad ending: Zero dies a Maverick and Dr. Light erases all of X’s memories relating to Zero and even puts a protection program, meaning that X can’t accept any new data relating to Zero, which is heart-breaking on a million different levels. Your boyfriend died a criminal and you can’t even remember him or being in love with him…..-sobs- 

X6: Zero comes back with the whole “I hid myself so I could repair myself” fiasco, most cringeworthy comeback in history. I don’t even think X believes it, just goes along with it because he’s so happy to see Zero.

Then, Zero decides to seal himself for 102 years because he can’t cope with all the wars and fighting, and leaves X by himself.....

Like X6 complicates stuff, should have just gone from X5 to X6....smoother transition....makes sense because X says his secret dream is to build Elysium (concept touched upon in Megaman Zero), a paradise for both humans and Reploids.

i know i mostly use twitter etc but i feel like tumblr is better for long text and i am FEELING contemplative today!

I feel like, i always loved drawing so much. but its like my imagination was kind of empty. not in the sense that i couldnt imagine stories and images, nooo. i always had those in my mind of course. but i held back a lot of things in my art. i never really drew anything romantic, especially not queer, the amount of times i felt "i dont know what to draw.." is unbelievable to me now. i drew things i thought people would like. how can i apply my creativity to topics that people will like? fanart? cute anime girls? i feel like "shame" has not just been deeply anchored in me as a person, but it has been like a heavy chain weighing down my art and my life, not allowing myself and it to be fully authentic for a long time. there was always this thing that held me back. i wanna draw shirtless men !! but i cant show those drawings to my mum!! and that might sound really silly to you when reading this. but my mother has been such an incredibly supportive influence with my art. i could go and show her every new piece i made. she would think about it and listen to the thoughts behind it. i also felt like the limited online support for my art would go away if i made my art "weirder". and having any kind of success with my art felt like the only justification for me to exist in a way. especially when she wasnt there anymore to care about it, i just wanted someone to care about my work. and it sounds very dramatic i know. i think a lot of artists almost view their art as an exposed part of themselves. if people hate it or see the "weird and perverted" things about me, i am exposing myself to criticism and people not liking me. but being disliked for being SOMETHING, SOMEBODY, is something i have grown to prefer over being neutral, nothing, not memorable and not causing any reaction in anybody.

this year i found people who care, this year i fought through my own anxiety. this year i had to truly allow myself to be the way i am and allow the world to react to it. and it has been feeling like sitting on the roof of a car, going at 100mph. the anxiety never goes away. you just learn to be more confident to trust yourself to get through it. and it has brought me the most rewarding and and beautiful times of my life. i feel like i am slowly becoming a real person in a way. i respect myself more. i dont treat myself as carelessly anymore. i am kinder to others, i pay more attention to others, i care again. this is the key for me, i can finally care again and experience emotions without shame again. and i think a lot of people who only know me now might have no idea what i used to be like. and i think its for the better. i am not different now, i havent "changed" in the way people might assume. i have finally woken up. and i cant wait to channel these feelings into my art more and more and more. letting it speak for me.