So I had a very… strange thought. And I don’t know the answer to it.
Quick explanation: So lately I’ve been noticing things about myself that I never really thought of before… and one of the many things is my thought processes during hard situations. For example, when I’m fighting with someone, when I get hurt and whatnot, all that fun stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I’m completely in the moment, I feel everything 110% because… I am a sensitive person, as much as I hate to admit it. But something I haven’t caught myself doing until recently is how I think when I’m in these situations.
Of course I’m going on about the usual “ugh I hate this” stuff or “this hurts so much” and blah blah blah, but like…………………….. there is this background thought I think sometimes. It’s not a coherent thought, more like the image of an idea without the form of words that lingers in the back of my mind, and although I can’t tell you word for word what that thought is, I can tell you what it’s like.
It’s almost like that thought is thinking “how can I integrate this into my story” or “what can I turn this into?” It’s so had to explain, I still feel like I’m not quite exemplifying it accurately, but the nature of that background thought is this: it’s very story oriented. So much that it almost takes away from the seriousness of the real life situations because I’m almost thinking of it like it’s a story. Or a book I’m writing.
I know I’ve said this like 10 times already but I’m sorry, it’s such an incoherent “thought” that I really can’t explain it accurately. It’s more like a feeling or idea than a coherent thought with words. But my point is, I never realized I did this until I reality checked myself recently, and suddenly I’m realizing that I’ve been doing this for awhile and it’s got me really contemplating myself, and this one question.
Do I view my life as a story, or do I view my stories as my life?
I can never tell if my stories are an outlet for my life experiences or if my life is an outlet for my stories.
It’s a question that’s making me contemplate the nature of my entire reality and for some reason it’s unnerving me more than I initially thought it would.
even now there’s this whispering thought in my head wondering how I can turn this….. philosophical existential crisis into a plot device. Is this……. Okay? Am I okay?
Am I overthinking it? 🤷♀️
