One of the most important aspects of being an LGBT* Ally is offering a helping hand to a friend when it is needed. Rebecca Murphy, Peer Support Co-ordinator extraordinaire hosts an interactive and informative workshop which aims to educate us all on how to support a friend in the process of coming out. Roleplays, heated discussion and a bit of general banter will ensue.

Coming Out?

The coming out experience is often seen as a term describing a single process that varies little from person to person. People perceive it as simply being the process of “telling people,” and while this is to varying degrees part of the process it is most certainly not the key element. It is more so an awakening of sorts, a coming to terms with a side of yourself that until “coming out” has lain repressed or simply unrecognised. It is important to mention to those who are thinking of coming out that the process does not end when people know you are gay but rather when you gain a sense of ease with your own sexuality, when you yourself gain an acceptance and love of the person you are, sexuality and all.

Hiding your sexual preferences can cause great stress.Many people have realised that living their lives in ‘the closet’ – pretending to be heterosexual – robs them of a full, rewarding life and forces them to live in fear and shame. When people have discussed how they came out, many of them use the imagery of a great burden being lifted from them. They say they felt like the free spirits they were meant to be. This may not happen initially, however, as ‘coming out’ can be a stressful and difficult process. This may be especially the case if family and friends react negatively. Gay people say that over time they are happier being able to be themselves, having ‘come out of the closet’.

There are a few things you may find useful when you are deciding the course to take when coming out:

Keep control of the situation. There is no obligation upon you to tell anyone. Consider who you are choosing to give your confidence to.

You may consider telling two people at once. This can be helpful to those you tell. They can talk with each other over the news.

Give your friends and relatives time. It may have taken years for you to make the step to tell people, you must remember that it could take some time for them to come to terms with it.

If you have chosen to tell your family then chose a member to whom you feel closest to or whom you feel will react best to your news. It is important to remember that your friends and family do not love you on the understanding that you are heterosexual.

The development of sexual orientation  People with predominately same sex orientation show similar stages of identity development – with individual variations of course. The following model or framework may provide a useful way of understanding this development. Not every individual follows each stage. It is also common for some people to work on the developmental tasks related to several different stages simultaneously. Stage 1 – Pre-coming out  Many people may be uncertain about their sexual identity. Time may be needed to explore this. It is possible that at a conscious or pre-conscious level the child and family members know that even then the child’s sexual orientation ‘differs’. A major conflict is created for the child, the family and ultimately society when the child appears to be about to break with the expectation of getting married. Often the young person feels alienated and ‘different.’ Fear of rejection and ridicule create a barrier to the open acknowledgement of homosexual feelings. As a consequence, the person resolves the conflict through the use of certain defense mechanisms such as denial, repression or sublimation. (Sublimation is the channeling of conflictual feelings into socially acceptable behaviour.)

The attempts to deny or repress feelings may lead to behavioural problems, psychosomatic illness, depression, low self-esteem and even suicide. Others may sublimate their feelings and become intensely absorbed in some socially valued activity such as schoolwork, religion, music or art – where being alone is not regarded as strange.

Facing the personal crisis of being different is a healthy approach to adopt. This is the process of ‘coming out’. It can begin at any age depending on a number of factors including family, personality and friends. Stage 2 – Coming out  The first step in ‘coming out’ is ‘outing’ yourself to your self – acknowledging what you feel and who you are. The vast majority of people who have recurring homosexual thoughts or experiences are homosexual, although they often do not admit this. This first step in identifying yourself as gay, lesbian or bisexual can take many years to complete. Many people who believe they accept their newfound homosexuality have never really identified themselves as gay or lesbian. Self-identifying is a way of starting the ‘coming out’ process. You cannot tell other people that you are gay or lesbian until you have told yourself. At the same time, sharing this fact with someone else can function as the beginning of self-acceptance.

It is important that you choose carefully the people to whom you disclose your homosexuality. Confiding in the most caring and accepting people is very important. Trustworthiness is important because those people will have to keep the news private. It is important that you keep control over the ‘coming out’ process. Once you gain acceptance from a number of people, it is much easier to withstand rejection. There is always the possibility that people will react negatively. It is important, therefore, to master ways to handle such situations and to cope with any related stress. It is a completely normal reaction for friends to be surprised and for them to need time to digest the news.

There are many reasons why parents may not be the first family members you tell. Parents may not necessarily be directly involved in your life any longer. You may be closer to your siblings and may wish to ‘come out’ to them first. Many parents have expectations of their children, whether straight or gay, that children can rarely meet. It is often hard on parents when their children do not meet those expectations. Parents can feel as if part of themselves has not lived up to the required standards. Therefore, unlike when straight friends find out about the gay person’s sexuality, parents may feel as if they are being told that part of themselves is homosexual. It is possible that parents may accept that their child is gay immediately, however this is often not the case. They may not have a positive reaction at first. Whether or not parents and other family members accept your homosexuality, your life will alter dramatically. Not only have you ‘come out’ but you have done so with the most important, closest heterosexual people in your life.

When you finally meet other gay people, ‘coming out’ to them will not be a major task. Just by reaching out to them there is an admittance of being gay. However, developing a family of gay friends is not something that is accomplished over a short period. It takes time to develop friendships and bonds with people.

Stage 3 – Exploration/Experimentation  There are several developmental tasks involved in exploring a new sexual identity. The first is the development of interpersonal skills in order to socialize with others with a similar sexual orientation. Having being socialized as heterosexuals, homosexual individuals may lack these skills. Secondly, there is a need for some to develop a sense of personal attractiveness and sexual competence. Thirdly, for some there is a need to recognize that self-esteem is not based upon sexual conquest.

Stage 4 – Initial Relationships  The main task of this stage is to learn how to function in a homosexual relationship. Lingering negative attitudes about homosexuality can sabotage the yearning for a more stable, committed relationship. The fact that homosexual people have very few role models in terms of intimate relationship, and the lack of public support for such relationships, makes this task even more difficult than in the case of heterosexuals.