#charadev.

so to start off with i’ll just briefly explain borderline personality disorder (BPD) for people unfamiliar with it— it’s a mood disorder that has many associated symptoms with various mental illnesses like depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder, as well as substance issues, eating disorders and other personality disorders eg. antisocial or narcissistic personality disorder. it’s classed by four groups of symptoms:

emotional instability

disturbed patterns of thinking or perception

impulsive behaviour

intense but unstable relationships with others

( obviously this definition is too broad for any specific diagnosis, since everyone is different, and can’t be used alone to diagnose someone without ruling out other disorders and subjective opinion of a professional who knows enough about your behaviours to make an assessment, so from here on out i’m going to be drawing on my own experiences, and hopefully i’ll be able to articulate it in a way that makes sense, but please let me know if it doesn’t. )

***

the first and most glaringly obvious identifiers of this where damon is concerned in my opinion is a), his tendency to spiral very suddenly and abruptly after even minor triggers, such as failure, rejection or even just feeling insulted by someone he cares about, and b) his frequent impulsive behaviour, and what might be termed a lack of self-control in following those impulses - the first examples that come to mind would be his leaving for a road trip with katherine despite hating her, or killing jeremy because he was the first person he saw after feeling rejected by elena - and as he later admitted honestly, not knowing that it wouldn’t be permanent. 

so starting with a), his irrational spiralling — i’ll preface this by saying that in my own experience, my initial diagnosis where my therapist suggested BPD as a possibility was immediately after i told her that i felt my emotions were just more severe than most people’s, which is why i always felt i was overreacting to things, both bad and good, alternating with feelings of extreme numbness and dissociation which would follow immediately after as a coping method. bouncing between extremes of emotion is also something we see damon do constantly; not regarding the humanity switch detail and focusing solely on his ‘humanity-on’ behaviour, we still see him go between extremely cold, numb and uncaring (albeit often this is hidden behind deflection and humor) to deeply hurt, loving, and willing to make huge sacrifices for causes or for people. 

this is also a little muddled by the in-world lore of vampires having very heightened emotions. if you consider that damon already had BPD while a human, which is highly plausible given what we see of the decisions he made even then, then it follows that as a vampire those already-dysfunctional behaviours would be driven to extremes. this isn’t only obvious to the person watching; other characters comment on it constantly, e.g. almost any time katherine shows up, everyone immediately starts worrying if damon’s going to snap, having learned that the tiniest of things can send him into extreme behaviour, harmful to both himself - picking a fight with julian out in the open, described as having a death wish, and various suicide missions - and other people - e.g. attempting to kill jeremy and bonnie, despite it being abundantly clear that those two murders would make everything worse for him, and logically, make no sense, and serve no benefit to him. they were not thought-out decisions, not premeditated, and not something he would do in a sound state of mind, which is part of why they’re so painful to watch - they’re stupid, unjustified decisions, and seem irrational and disproportionate to whatever triggered him to make them. this also falls into the category of ‘lashing out’, something damon is frequently noted to do - often in the form of destroying or severing relationships, which may be done via simple purposeful negative interaction with someone, or doing more, genuine harm so that those relationships are ended regardless. 

this ties in both with the impulsive behaviour aspect, but also a comment elena once made which struck a huge chord with me as an identifier of BPD - she said he felt that everyone hated him, and in an attempt to face those perceptions or correct them as someone of sound mind would do, he instead tries to come to terms with the pain of that by making himself believe that they were right - ‘proving’ both to others and to himself that they were right to hate him, via doing bad things. while this particular incident was partially due to enzo’s influence and damon seeking approval from the only person he felt he could still get it from, he still had the agency to make that decision, and this wasn’t the only time where that behavioural pattern could be observed. 

the depth to which those thought processes go can sort of be seen when you consider season 8, where enzo and damon were both under the mind control of a siren, leaving only their subconscious with free will to resist. enzo’s instinct was to try and weave messages into the things that the siren had him do, knowing that bonnie would recognise them and be able to save him from doing more harm. on the other hand, damon’s instinct was to sever those relationships so completely that none of them would ever attempt to save him again, thus keeping them, in his eyes, out of harm’s way. 

i don’t wanna make this so long it’s unreadable so i’ll try and end it with this last point, which is that another symptom of BPD is latching on to one particular person - whoever might feel most significant to them at the time, whether a friend or romantic interest, though often those feelings can combine and become confused when that emotional connection is made (most obvious example being elena, who damon had a relatively good and stable friendship with, that seemingly functioned fine as it was, yet progressed into romance anyway and became destructive). when that said person is found, the intensity of your emotion leads to a usually unhealthy amount of attachment on your part - often leading to possessive, manipulative or even emotionally abusive elements of relationships that more often than not become toxic. this person becomes the sole way that you feel validation/love/approval/happiness, any good emotion at all - in a way, your brain compensates for previous and more significant traumas, e.g. parental abuse/neglect, by channelling all this emotion into the nearest outlet of love and acceptance you can find. as a result even the tiniest fraction of attention or approval from that person can completely brighten your mental state for weeks, while the tiniest perception of disapproval or neglect from them - note perception, this could be something as miniscule as a misunderstanding, a tone being read wrong in a text, a genuine mistake being interpreted as a deliberate attempt to separate - can be enough to drive you to suicidal ideation. 

obviously, whether it’s known to them or not, all this puts an unrealistic amount of expectation on the other person - one individual cannot possibly be responsible for the entire mental state of another, and will often - quite rightly - lead to the decision to end the relationship out of self-preservation. this is observed very frequently with damon’s close relationships; at some point, most of the people he’s been closest to have, with some degree of regret, been forced to write him off, because he puts too much strain on their own mental state. without significant effort to change on the part of the disordered person, sadly, this situation doesn’t usually have a resolution, because one’s own mental health is never the sole responsibility of others. it’s worth saying that most of these behaviours are done unintentionally and instinctively, as what seems the first logical conclusion in a brain that has been wired - physically, neurons and pathways in the brain have been grown by trauma that leads to those paths becoming the ‘right’ ones, rather than the healthy alternatives, which is usually what therapy’s end goal is - minimising the disordered pathways while reinforcing the positive ones, via practice of healthy behaviours and identifying bad thought processes so they can be stopped with the hope that those ones will take priority eventually. that being said, decisions that are motivated by and followed by, self-hatred, doesn’t excuse them from the harm they may cause other people. and it’s not fair - none of it is, because immediately what that situation seems to become is, ‘i didn’t ask to be this way, i don’t want to be harmful, but because i have been traumatised this is how i turned out, and now if i want healthy and good relationships, i have to work twice as hard against all my natural instincts just to ensure i come off as a person worth caring about’. 

this is getting a little off-topic, but to say - there is a stigma about BPD, often associated with emotional abuse and manipulation, and it’s too complex a topic to sum up in one paragraph, but the gist of it is that sadly in my experience there is truth to it. i feel as though my disorder increases the likelihood of me being harmful, which means i have to work twice as hard to stop it - things that seem like common sense, basic decency, human logic that comes naturally and as first instinct to many, have to be actively strived for by people with this particular disorder. so while failing to do so may happen more for those people, and thus lead to them coming off as a worse person, there is some explanation as to why - and of course that doesn’t mean excusing that behaviour, never! but, there is a grey area between ‘excusing and enabling unhealthy behaviour’ and ‘your disability grants you no leeway whatsoever’. there is a middle ground and it’s hard to find the right place to walk it, and probably differs for everyone, but for me that’s why damon is relatable, and why i think i have more tolerance for things that he’s done. 

speech.

ACCENT:

she’s born and raised in the pacific northwest, and has a typical american accent-- doesn’t really have a specific regional accent.

VERBAL TICKS:

she is kind of quiet, and has a tendency to make remarks under her breath.

LANGUAGE:

english is violet’s first language, however, she also knows korean, and a bit of spanish from taking it in high school.

ARTICULATION:

violet’s usually eloquent when she isn’t anxious. however, she can trip over her words when she’s nervous, and interject with “uh,” and “um.”

EDUCATION:

violet’s pretty educated, and only getting more so. she’s always had a strength in english, and grammar is an essential part of her job, so she knows the correct ways to speak.

LAUGHTER:

it’s a lot to get violet to laugh if you aren’t close to her, but when you do, it’s usually a small laugh that builds, and she snorts if she laughs too hard.

GRUMP:

all she does is make snarky remarks under her breath.

BREATHING:

she is a quiet breather until allergies hit, and the only thing she can do is sniffle.

mannerisms.

FACE:

her emotions are not usually on her sleeve, but she has visceral reactions to things, particularly when people say stupid things,

HANDS:

she’s very particular with her hands, she uses them to make a point in very important circumstances. she also doesn’t touch people in conversation unless it’s important or she’s overexcited and not controlling herself, then she grabs arms or smacks them (lightly)

LEGS/FEET:

she’s very still, unlike her siblings, and doesn’t really do anything with her legs aside from the occasional foot tapping from anxious energy.

EMOTIONAL OUTBURSTS:

violet has a tendency to bottle everything up, until she’s so full she bursts, which can be very messy. these don’t happen often but when they do, the only thing you can really do is take cover.

HABITS:

she chews on pen caps. she taps her nails on hard surfaces. hides behind her hair.

POSTURE:

when she’s feeling confident, she can stand and sit straight, but otherwise, she’s slouchy

health.

DIET:

she’s pretty good at keeping a well balanced diet, has her fair share of guilty food pleasures

SLEEP:

violet has terrible trouble sleeping, and it’s been this way since she was a child. she sleeps no more than a couple hours most nights. she takes ambien, but sometimes, that makes her too groggy. when she does sleep, she’s a very light sleeper.

MEDICINAL DRUGS:

she’s on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication, she used to be on mood stabilizers.

NARCOTICS:

she smoked cigarettes for a bit, quit because they’re bad. she smokes weed, but mainly on a dab pen. she’s from seattle, after all.

personal.

INTROVERT/EXTROVERT?:

is that even a question, she’s an introvert

OPTIMIST/PESSIMIST:

she’s what she likes to call a realist. she knows not everything’s gonna be one way or the other, but she likes to approach things from a perspective that seems most logical (if not a little anxiety based)

SEXUALITY:

she’s bisexual, she’s out, but she’s not loud about it, it’s more like if you know, you know

INSECURITIES:

everything, jfc. but really, she hides behind her hair a lot because she just feels embarrassed, she has a habit of wearing baggy oversized clothes because people seeing her makes her nervous.

relationships.

FAMILY:

she is pretty close to all her family. as the eldest child, she lords the power over dash and jj a lot, but also cares deeply and would kill/die for them. she loves her parents, but they embarrass the shit out of her

FRIENDSHIPS:

she never really had friends growing up, but being here, she’s made a few and sort of understands how important they are

BEST FRIEND:

meg and oswald, they’re both very similar to her, and she’s found them to be the most comforting presences in emporia, aside from dash and jj

LOVE:

speech.

ACCENT:

she has a bit of a lisp! but other than that, standard american, if not tinged with a bit of californian.

VERBAL TICKS:

she likes to scream interjections! also just scream.

LANGUAGE:

english, and only english, but she’s made up a language with dipper before.

ARTICULATION:

mabel has a tendency of talking fast when she’s excited and words get jumbled. also likes to talk real slow sometimes for funsies. overall, no pattern or rhyme or reason, she’s got a weird pattern of articulation.

EDUCATION:

while she’s gone to most levels of school, she was not a very good student, and likes to make up her own words.

LAUGHTER:

she laughs a lot! and it’s very loud and bubbly and turns heads... some people say its annoying but its like pure joy

GRUMP:

when she pouts, she looks like a baby so her moping/grumpiness isn’t very effective

BREATHING:

sometimes she wheezes when she talks too fast but that’s because she never gives herself time to breathe

mannerisms.

FACE:

anything that happens to mabel always ends up written across her face. it’s very animated, and she reacts to everything wholeheartedly.

HANDS:

hands are big part of the way mabel communicates, she gestures when she speaks, and will grab other people’s hands when she’s excited or sad or really heightened emotion

LEGS/FEET:

mabel cannot keep still, even when she’s standing still she shifts her weight from one leg to another, or taps her foot

EMOTIONAL OUTBURSTS:

i think mabel is made up of only emotional outbursts.... usually happy

HABITS:

she likes to poke people’s cheeks, she sings a lot, she still feels like she has braces so sometimes she’ll suck her teeth

POSTURE:

surprisingly she has a really straight posture, doesn’t rlly slouch

health.

DIET:

she eats SO MUCH junk, she loves candy as well as carbs, and she doesn’t really care if its healthy or not because it makes her happy

SLEEP:

mabel is a heavy sleeper, and while it’s not always for the full eight hours, she can manage to conk out and be rested

MEDICINAL DRUGS:

she’ll do them recreationally but she’s not prescribed anything.......prob should be on adderall.......

NARCOTICS:

will do party drugs, weed, cocaine, acid, shrooms, you wanna have a good time? so should she

personal.

INTROVERT/EXTROVERT?:

extrovert! hella extrovert

OPTIMIST/PESSIMIST:

mabel is the queen of optimism, and has the talent of making light of almost anything

SEXUALITY:

she’s pansexual! she doesn’t really label it, but she just likes making out with people.... any person really

INSECURITIES:

omg her face! she is insecure about her looks but she’d never let people know, and she’s incredibly insecure about her intelligence, or lack thereof, and often compares herself to everyone

relationships.

FAMILY:

dipper is her best friend, above all. her relationship with her parents is distant, as she got older, it became more strained. she’s still incredibly close to ford and stan and stays in contact with them even when she was living in gravity falls

FRIENDSHIPS:

she LOVES friends, she thinks friendship is the best thing in the world and is incredibly loyal to her friends. if your friends with mabel, she would literally die for you.

BEST FRIEND:

dipper, absolutely

LOVE:

* / FOR THE LOVE OF A MAN.  /  stefan alive

after all that took place there, stefan and damon are undecided on whether or not to stay in mystic falls; when caroline and alaric tell them of their idea for a school, they agree to gift the house to them, and decide to move on from their history there.

damon ultimately takes the opportunity to get away for a while, having accepted both himself and his brother as they are, and wanders, accompanying bonnie on her travels now and then (to keep her out of trouble, he says, we don't want you having to saw your own arm off because you climbed mt everest alone.) when he isn't with her, he drifts — sometimes with stefan, sometimes alone, re-visiting old cities, old haunts, and making amends where he can ( though not so much that you'd confuse him with a guy who can't have fun anymore. )  mystic falls is still comfortable and familiar to him, however, and he returns every so often, to have a drink with caroline (she's no liz, but she'll do) or just to check alaric hasn't burned the place down. as his visits get more frequent, he impulse buys himself a little apartment overlooking the town square to use as a placeholder, and at some point, he forgets to leave.

* /  FOR THE LOSS OF A MAN.  /   stefan dead

after stefan's death, damon found himself unable to return to the salvatore boarding house and all the emotions it brought; afraid that his grief would make him flip his switch, and not wanting to cause more harm when he had only just managed to atone for everything he'd done to his friends, he gave the house to caroline and alaric — do whatever you want with it, he instructed, make it unrecognisable — and left town shortly after (though unlike the last time he was grieving someone he loved, he remembered to say goodbye.)

before he left mystic falls for what he assumed would be a long time, though, he asked bonnie for one last favour before he left ( bon-bon, i swear, i'll never ask you for anything again, not even a starbucks mocha on my 200th birthday ) — to find a way to prevent him from entering mystic falls, just in case, until they both deemed him no longer a risk. the only living soul who had familiarity with a spell that encased an entire town was kai, ensuing a trip to his prison world to investigate their options. ( more detailed verse on this pending. )

whatever the outcome, damon and bonnie discovered a loophole that didn't require any spell, as it happened — just paperwork. through some light 'persuasion' of various government officials and local landowners, damon and bonnie managed to essentially make the entire town of mystic falls a 'residence', with their trusted friends as the owners. thus, damon could only step foot in mystic falls again once he'd been invited in by someone who knew him well enough to know if it was safe to.

now knowing his friends were safe from him and all the possibilities of his mental state, damon travelled alone, generally in isolated places; cabins in alaska, mountainous regions of europe, and at one point a highly irradiated location in russia, where no humans were allowed to step foot. ( for the ones stupid enough to, he had the added stefan-approved atonement bonus of compelling them not to risk their lives for thrills any more. though perhaps he didn't word it as politely. )