Carry You
This was a request based on the song Carry You by Ruelle Ft Fleurie: Link
As you sit on the lounger on you and your boyfriends shared balcony thousands of things flood your mind at once. You feel like that is the going business these days, flooded by thoughts out of your control that even the sanctuary of your balcony above Manhattan can offer no solace.
You and Sebastian had been together for a year, and while he was ever faithful, you knew that you were pushing him away these recent weeks. He tried to talk with you but you refused to address the issue afraid to sound clingy, so instead, you went aloof. When he went to hold your hand, you would keep it shortly then find a reason to move away. When at a party with friends instead of being attached at the hip, as usual, you would see another to hang out with. Ignoring his pleading eyes that broke your heart. You were just tired of the hot and cold depending on where you two were.
The truth was you just wanted him to acknowledge your presence to the world. You tried to walk the red carpet hand in hand with him and be able to have PDA in public with him. Not pretend to be just another friend of his when walking the street alongside his gorgeous smiling self. To have him deny having a girlfriend at an interview or saying that you and he weren't an item and just friends when asked. To act like it didn't eat you alive to see his fans unknowingly break you heart flirting with him in front of you, while he was taken. He would never act on anything to hurt you and to be honest, he didn't know that this was killing you inside. It just was and as the weeks went by you didn't know how to make it better, and now you felt as though there was a wedge between you and your love.
Silent tears ran down your cheek as you looked out and thought about your last night before he left for LA for some press and interview. Leaving you behind yet again, unable to show you the limelight due to the earlier agreement of keeping your relationship a secret. He was your best friend, and you felt like he was ashamed of you. He had carried you through the death of a family member and the loss of your job. Finding a new job and the joys and turmoil of general life. New friends and losing old friends, yet here you were ...alone. Needing him to take notice and acknowledge you but still, he just didn't ....see.
You knew at this point you were falling into a depressive state and it was no good. For you or Sebastian. Something had to give.
That last night just a mere week ago at Chris BBQ was nearly the breaking point.
You were dressed in a cute black floral dress, and he was in his dark slim fit jeans and a dark t-shirt that hugged his body. You always loved his ass but when he wore the slim jeans or suit it was all you could do to keep your hands to yourself. You yearned for his touch and little did you know he yours. While you had made love just two nights before you knew that your lust for him had never wained just the needs from this relationship with him had changed while he still seemed fine with it. Needless to say, it had curved how you approached your sex life. It was an elephant in the room and was in the back of your mind all the time.
When you made it to the rooftop BBQ, you had a few shots with Chris and Mackie making fun of Seb and his recent interview in his cute daisy shirt which only caused him to blush. When you had a few shots, you had become loosey-goosey, and your skin was warm and no matter the tension or unpleasant thoughts that came when you were sober. Self-doubt, anxiety. Thoughts that Sebastian didn't want you anymore. Sebastian was ashamed, and that's why he didn't want to announce it to the world. When you were feeling the effects of the few shots, while not drunk, right now you just pushed them to the back of your mind because you needed to be close to him and have his breath on your skin.
Tomorrow Sebastian would be gone for two months on a press tour and you just wanted...no needed to have a good night with him. Maybe it could carry you through the dark nights without him. You knew this break would be the hardest, mainly where you were at mentally.
He was sitting on the chair, and you went and sat on his open legs that were always so enticing, and he gave you his warm and charming smile. "Hey there, love. I thought you were never gonna come to see me." You placed your body flush to his and sighed. "I'm just pretending that you aren't leaving tomorrow and that I'm not going to miss you terribly." He frowned and took your chin in his fingers. "Hey. Look at me." He cupped your face with his slender fingers and warm palm, and you gave him a shy smile while he searched your eyes.
He smirked slyly, and your stomach tightened at that look. "There she is. I know its selfish, but I'm damned glad that you said that. I needed to hear you say that you'll miss me. I feel like we've been a bit lost here." You nodded at his response. "Yea, I'm sorry Seb. I love you. It's just hard sometimes." His brows scrunched together, and he leaned in and kissed you. Gently and softly but with the full meaning of all of his love and affection.
He knew that being with him was hard. That was why he protected you from the media so carefully. While 99% of his fans were terrific, some of them weren't and he didn't want to expose you to that. Just as he broke the kiss and from his thoughts he saw someone come off the elevator, that damn Instagram media whore.
You felt Seb abruptly end the kiss. "Baby, get up." He tapped your thigh urgently, and you hastily got up looking around for the damned fire to see him looking at this gorgeous brunette walking off the elevator making heads turn. "Who is that, Sebastian?" Your heart plummeted at the words coming out of your mouth, unsure of what he would say.
"Just some girl that does gossip shit on Instagram. If she sees you and me together, it will be everywhere. We can't have that." Your fists balled up, and you turned to walk away and he grabbed your arm. "Hey, you don't have to leave, doll."
"Sebastian, it would seem that we can't be seen together. It just makes it easier right?" You turned to walk to Chris, your other best friend to get a shot before Seb could see the tears.
You ended up drowning your sorrows that night and crashed in Chris' guest room. Both of the men left the next morning before you woke. Seb left a sweet note saying how much he will miss you and love you and sorry he was that the night was ruined over the Instagram queen, but it was his actions that destroyed it and your insecurity. Not her. Fuck her.
While you two had spoken, it wasn't like usual, no playful banter over the past week since he left and you could barely eat. He was due to call, and you were deciding on if you should even answer because you would be torn up in knots the rest of the evening. He had a live interview though later that evening, and you decided that it would be better to answer. You didn't want him upset or worried over you and have it affect his interview.
No amount of makeup could hide the red-rimmed eyes from crying or the dark circles. Thank goodness you worked from home and you were good at what you did. You still put on some makeup to hide it from Seb, you didn't want to upset him right before he went on TV.
When the call came in you smoothed your hair and answered the gorgeous Sebastian himself who was clad in a black and white suit. Fucking tailored suits, you knew instantly that his ass was pure perfection.
"Hey, baby! I miss you so much." You could see the crinkles in his eyes from where he was smiling, and you tried to return it the best you could. It wavered when he took in your state. "Hi, Seb. How are you?" His smile continued to fade when you failed to say how much you missed him although he could see it in your face. He could see that you had lost weight in just this week. Were you thinking of leaving him? Was it all becoming too much with him being away? This was killing him and eating him up, but he was too afraid to ask the essential questions?
"How are you sleeping, baby?" You nodded slightly not wanting to commit to a real answer. "OK, I was going to stay up for the interview though. Chris is with you tonight right?" He nodded and forced back the thought that Chris knew something that he didn't. "Yea, he's here. There's another actress too. Lily James. You like her right?" Great small talk, that was what you two had reduced to. "Yea Seb she's great." You had to talk to him this was just becoming unbearable. He had been your best friend and lover through thick and thin, and something so small had become and weight on your shoulders, and you were drowning.
You had even thought about ending the relationship, but you had to at least tell him how you felt an if he still didn't want to be with you because he wasn't prepared to be in the open about you then screw it. That was his loss, it still made you sick.
"Sebastian...we need to talk." He looked up at you, and you saw his brows stitch together in earnest. "Hey, please don't." Your eyes widened at his response and quick response and refusal.
"I have to talk to you, Sebastian. I can't live like this anymore." His eyes were welling him with tears, and his ran his hands roughly through his hair and tugged at the ends. There was a knock at the door, and you sighed as he turned. "I'm busy."
When the door opened, it was a beautiful Lily James. "Hey, Sebastian. I thought I'd come by for a pre-interview drink. Chris is coming by too." He shook his head harshly. "Right now isn't good. I'm talking to my g--" He caught himself and looked at you as you watched him with a pained expression engaging with Lily James as she gave you a friendly wave and smile.
"Don't worry, Lily. I'm just a friend." He just stared at so conflicted with tears in his eyes. "If that's the title you keep giving me then that's the role I'll play. Goodbye, Sebastian." As you hung up, you heard a broken sob break from his handsome face.
You curled up on your shared bed and took his pillow, still fresh with his scent and allowed your heartbreak to spill out into your room. Suffocating the atmosphere around you until you succumbed to the void that was a life with out your Sebastian.
_______________________________________________________________________
Lily felt terrible and immediately went and got Chris, the interview was in 45 minutes and with the sound that escaped Sebastian's lips it would be canceled.
Chris went into Seb's room and saw him in the chair holding his head with his hands in his hair, crying. "Hey man, what the hell is going on?" Seb shook his head and looked up, and Chris knew right then that you two had broken up. He wanted to call you and be with Seb and was torn immediately.
"Talk to me." Sebastian wiped his eyes and recounted the conversation word for word trying to hold back the tears while Chris listened intently. Seb was seemingly so confused, and Chris knew it was coming and just sat there waiting for Seb to ask. "What the hell did I do wrong?" Chris let out a cynical laugh. "Seriously man. You fucked up." Seb stood up and started pacing and looked at Chris. "How did I fuck up? We agreed that we would keep us private."
Chris shook his defensive remark off. "Private and non-existent are two different things. I have no doubt that you love her and she loves you. Hell, you two are soulmates. You were just a grade A asshole. You kept a beautiful, loving woman locked away from the world. Anyone could see the light in her has been going out and dying these past few weeks, except you. She was crying out for you to see, to ask, to do anything. But you pretended that it was ok, or you were too afraid to actually ask. So What do you do? Nearly launch the woman off your fucking lap at my party when some Instagram chick shows up because you're afraid she's going to out you have a girlfriend." Sebastian starts vehemently shaking his head. "You know its not like that. I'm just trying to protect her. She deserves better than paparazzi stalking her and the crazy people attacking her." Chris leaned back in his chair with his brown arched.
"Look at it from her standpoint. That's what it looks like. Also, man, you're going to miss out on so fucking much because you're trying to protect her from everyone just because of someone. She loves you and wants you. So much that she wants the crazy and the flashes of a camera, just so long as she can be beside you and have you hold her hand."
Sebastian put his hands behind his head. "I gotta make this right." Chris nodded, and Seb dried his eyes as it was just about time for the live interview.
He texted you in hopes that you would still have your phone close.
"Please. Please. Turn on your tv, draga."
_________________________________________________________________
The tears were slowing down when you heard your phone and saw your text. You shook your head but for whatever reason he wanted you to see in the interview so you turned the TV on.
Fallon had Chris and Sebastian on at the same time, and it was a special live taping of the show. They were still laying on Seb's pillow silently weeping as you watched him on the screen.
"So as always it's great to have you guys on the show!" Jimmy said welcoming the guys who both smiled although you could tell Seb really was worse for the wear. His eyes were red from crying. Chris patted him on the back for support, and you sat up on the bed feeling so sorry for him. You didn't want to break his heart you just were so sick of the friend title, and you just broke. You didn't want to screw up his interview, but it just became too much all at once.
"So Sebastian how's life. I'm not gonna lie. You look about how I feel right now." Seb let out a tired laugh. "Weeelll. My girlfriend of a year and I just had a fight over facetime backstage." Jimmy's eyes got big with that reveal as did yours. He didn't say that you broke up and he actually said, girlfriend. "I didn't know that you had a girlfriend and I'm pretty sure that no one else did either. Am I right ladies?" The women in the audience responded, and Chris smirked while Sebastian looked on ashamed.
"So, what did a Disney prince like yourself do to your lady to get in the doghouse?" Seb ran his hands through his hair nervously. "I messed up real bad. I thought I was protecting her by keeping our relationship to ourselves, but I was just an asshole. Can I say asshole on live television?" Jimmy snickered, and Chris nodded for him to go on.
"Well, before I knew it, I nearly became obsessed with keeping our relationship private, and I'm just now realizing that she surely thought I was ashamed of her. And.... listen. Y/N. If you're watching, draga, baby. That is not the case. I want to take you out and hold hands with you and have you on my arm. I want to take you on the red carpet and have you by my side, you're my best friend, and you carry me through the tough times just as much as I carry you. I fucked up. Oooops.. I mean I messed up. I truly did. But I want everyone in the world to know that I am a taken man and I am very much in love. I will happily sleep on the couch or in the bathtub until you take me back, doll. Just know that I will not give up on us. No matter how many times and in how many ways I have to prove to you that you are the only one for me. "
The audience cheered and the interview continued, and Chris was asked about his romantic situation while Seb wiped his eyes and composed himself.
You laughed and cried from the solitude of your shared bedroom. Then you got an idea and quickly jumped up and packed your bags. You grabbed your wallet and went straight to the airport.
___________________________________________________________________________
From Seb's ever faithful itinerary you knew where he was staying so you wouldn't have to contact him when the plane landed. When you took your phone off of airplane mode, you had 28 missed calls, around 80 texts, and 18 voicemails from Sebastian. You felt terrible and almost called him right then but then decided you would just wait, you were so close to him already. He made his grand gesture, and this was yours.
You freshened up in the bathroom and then hailed a cab and headed to the Mondrian Hotel with butterflies attacking every corner of your stomach. You felt like it was your first date and at the same time you felt like a fool, how could you have ever doubted him. All of your insecurities almost took him away from you and ruined everything that you had built with him, a life.
You paid the driver and made your way up to his suite and gently knocked on his door. You heard something crash from the inside, and you jumped. "Fuck!" A few moments passed a nothing, no answer. You decided to knock louder. "Yea! Coming!" He sounded agitated, and his voice was hoarse, but nothing prepared you for the sight of his complete disarray when he opened the door.
His eyes were a deep shade of red, and his lips were chapped from biting on them. His hair was just a mop piled on top of his still gorgeous head, and he was shirtless with a pair of sweats low hung on his hips. "Y/N??" His voice broke along with your heart. Had you done this to this handsome man that you love more than your own life?
You just stood there and a sob escaped both of your lips, and he lunged towards you and held you to his massive frame, nearly crushing you to him like a lifeline. "I was booking a flight to come to you. I've been a mess, baby. I--I'm so sorry. I--" Somehow he pulled you in the room and pushed you against the door. You cut him off and took his face in your hands. "No, it's me. I should've called you. I had my phone off for the flight. I caught the first one after the interview. I fucked up Seb. I loved you and lost my way..I'm so sorry that I hurt you and --"
Without another word he just kissed you with every fiber of his being. Mending all of the pieces that were broken when he thought he lost you. The kiss mended all of the insecurities that you had held when you thought he may not want you. He pulled away and pressed his forehead to yours and smiled.
"You have to promise me something, doll." You nodded in response. "You have to talk to me. I need to know when that fire goes out and you lose your shine. I will carry you through whatever darkness that troubles you and brings you through the other side. You are my everything in the world, and I can't do this without you because I know you would do the same for me." You frantically nodded into his shoulder and embrace, and you silently wept. "I love you, Sebastian." He kissed the soft spot on your neck. "I love you more than you will ever know, woman. Just stay with me."
He caressed your cheek and then took your hand and led you to the room to lay you down and hold you. Both of you could see the other side and come out of this darkness, all you needed was each other.
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Bucky Barnes
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