I feel so alone. No matter what I do or how hard I try, it seems like I can never find my place. I donāt feel like I belong anywhere or in any community, human or not. I donāt even feel like I belong in the therian and otherkin communities. I donāt feel like Iām like anyone else. It seems like my beliefs or how I perceive my own identity doesnāt match anyone elseās experiences and such. I donāt want an identity. I feel like I shouldnāt call myself a therian or anything, it doesnāt feel right to me anymore. I call myself that because what else would I call myself?
Human, obviously doesnāt feel right. Alterhuman by itself doesnāt feel right, nonhuman by itself doesnāt feel right. Not otherkin, not fictionkin, not paleotherian, not cladotherian, not otherhearted, not copinglink, not lycanthrope, not even omnitherian. I feel like I donāt fit in with anyone else, like Iām just so different than the typical ātherianā label. I feel like I should be researching and questioning just as much as everyone else, but I donāt. I donāt feel like trying to figure it out. I am what I feel like I am, or what I want to be. And what I want to be, is still me. Reasonable or not, normal or not. Why canāt I still be considered a therian even if I just want to be an animal or feel like an animal in the slightest way without needing or having some kind of other label being put to it? I want to be accepted in these communities, but I donāt completely feel like I am. It seems like everyone I interact with just doesnāt give a fluff about me. Like Iām invisible, obsolete, nonexistent, not important or interesting or friendly or similar enough or have enough value for someone to give me their time or to even be on someoneās mind. Like Iām just skipped over. Not given a second glance. No one is probably gonna read this thing too. Nobody cares about me, Iām no one. Nothing. Not perceived. I feel as though I feel so deeply and passionately about things, but it just seems to me like no one feels as much as I do, or at least my things in my mind. And I hate that because I feel like Iām unintentionally internally invalidating others of their feelings and identities and such. How can I do that when I donāt even fully know my identity? Or where I stand within each and every community or feel right with any labels for myself. Labels scare me. They make me uncomfortable and they mess with my head. They feel restricting and I just want to break out of all the labels. I feel like Iām in a cardboard box and I just want to tear it to shreds. I donāt want to be a therian, I want to be me. Me, entirely me, wholly me, my being myself. ME. JUST ME. WHY CANāT I BE ME!? I donāt want to figure out my identity, I donāt even want an identity. I donāt want to be perceived as someone or something Iām not. I donāt know what Iām not either. Iām just this, or Iām not this. I feel like everything is me. Every animal I see, is me. Or theyāre my children, my babies. Every creature, every made up form of a something thatās not human, is me, my children, my babies. Normal therians donāt think that way, right? What would I be then? If I think Iām everything, yet nothing at the same time? WHAT AM I!? Besides nonhuman identity, human identity. Yes, Iām in a human body. Yes, I have a human brain. Yes, I function as a human. But I donāt want to. I donāt want to be perceived as a human. I donāt want an identity. I donāt want a gender. I donāt want a sexuality or sexual orientation. I donāt want to be cis, I donāt want to be straight, I donāt want to be gay, I donāt wanna be bi or trans or gender-fluid or non-binary even. I donāt want to be any gender labels. I just wanna be me. I donāt want someone to look at me and say, āoh a girlā or āoh theyāre non-binaryā. I donāt want to be anything. I donāt wanna be a they, a she, a he, a it, a neopronoun or anything like that. I donāt want to have any pronouns. I just wanna be me. And I know I keep saying that, but thatās all I truly feel right now. I donāt feel like myself. I feel controlled. I feel perceived. I feel like everyone else is contributing or having a say to my identity and I canāt truly be what I want to be. I want to be an animal. I donāt want to identify as one. At least not in a human body.
I canāt ever find peace in anything. In any identity or label or feeling or belief or thought. I use the terms or labels therian and otherkin because theyāre simple, easy to remember, familiar, and because theyāre recognizable. Not because thatās what I truly think I am. Thereās no other thing to call myself. I feel so unbearably uncomfortable with every single label and name and term and such. Iām so sick and tired of all this.
