I feel so alone. No matter what I do or how hard I try, it seems like I can never find my place. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere or in any community, human or not. I don’t even feel like I belong in the therian and otherkin communities. I don’t feel like I’m like anyone else. It seems like my beliefs or how I perceive my own identity doesn’t match anyone else’s experiences and such. I don’t want an identity. I feel like I shouldn’t call myself a therian or anything, it doesn’t feel right to me anymore. I call myself that because what else would I call myself?
Human, obviously doesn’t feel right. Alterhuman by itself doesn’t feel right, nonhuman by itself doesn’t feel right. Not otherkin, not fictionkin, not paleotherian, not cladotherian, not otherhearted, not copinglink, not lycanthrope, not even omnitherian. I feel like I don’t fit in with anyone else, like I’m just so different than the typical “therian” label. I feel like I should be researching and questioning just as much as everyone else, but I don’t. I don’t feel like trying to figure it out. I am what I feel like I am, or what I want to be. And what I want to be, is still me. Reasonable or not, normal or not. Why can’t I still be considered a therian even if I just want to be an animal or feel like an animal in the slightest way without needing or having some kind of other label being put to it? I want to be accepted in these communities, but I don’t completely feel like I am. It seems like everyone I interact with just doesn’t give a fluff about me. Like I’m invisible, obsolete, nonexistent, not important or interesting or friendly or similar enough or have enough value for someone to give me their time or to even be on someone’s mind. Like I’m just skipped over. Not given a second glance. No one is probably gonna read this thing too. Nobody cares about me, I’m no one. Nothing. Not perceived. I feel as though I feel so deeply and passionately about things, but it just seems to me like no one feels as much as I do, or at least my things in my mind. And I hate that because I feel like I’m unintentionally internally invalidating others of their feelings and identities and such. How can I do that when I don’t even fully know my identity? Or where I stand within each and every community or feel right with any labels for myself. Labels scare me. They make me uncomfortable and they mess with my head. They feel restricting and I just want to break out of all the labels. I feel like I’m in a cardboard box and I just want to tear it to shreds. I don’t want to be a therian, I want to be me. Me, entirely me, wholly me, my being myself. ME. JUST ME. WHY CAN’T I BE ME!? I don’t want to figure out my identity, I don’t even want an identity. I don’t want to be perceived as someone or something I’m not. I don’t know what I’m not either. I’m just this, or I’m not this. I feel like everything is me. Every animal I see, is me. Or they’re my children, my babies. Every creature, every made up form of a something that’s not human, is me, my children, my babies. Normal therians don’t think that way, right? What would I be then? If I think I’m everything, yet nothing at the same time? WHAT AM I!? Besides nonhuman identity, human identity. Yes, I’m in a human body. Yes, I have a human brain. Yes, I function as a human. But I don’t want to. I don’t want to be perceived as a human. I don’t want an identity. I don’t want a gender. I don’t want a sexuality or sexual orientation. I don’t want to be cis, I don’t want to be straight, I don’t want to be gay, I don’t wanna be bi or trans or gender-fluid or non-binary even. I don’t want to be any gender labels. I just wanna be me. I don’t want someone to look at me and say, “oh a girl” or “oh they’re non-binary”. I don’t want to be anything. I don’t wanna be a they, a she, a he, a it, a neopronoun or anything like that. I don’t want to have any pronouns. I just wanna be me. And I know I keep saying that, but that’s all I truly feel right now. I don’t feel like myself. I feel controlled. I feel perceived. I feel like everyone else is contributing or having a say to my identity and I can’t truly be what I want to be. I want to be an animal. I don’t want to identify as one. At least not in a human body.
I can’t ever find peace in anything. In any identity or label or feeling or belief or thought. I use the terms or labels therian and otherkin because they’re simple, easy to remember, familiar, and because they’re recognizable. Not because that’s what I truly think I am. There’s no other thing to call myself. I feel so unbearably uncomfortable with every single label and name and term and such. I’m so sick and tired of all this.
