unpredictablee

I'm leaving on my cross country road trip in two days! I can't wait. It's my second last day in the city and then I'm off to see the road and different views.

Spent my last day hanging out (not really) with Ryan (pickleball crush). We played pickleball and then drilled for an hour and a half & sat and talked. I'm sooooo shy around him. He's very very cute. We talked, he talked about his ex again, I warned him to just keep things neutral and don't say much to other people. Just say surface level stuff, don't let people have ammo to gossip. The pickleball community is gossip central.

I'm going to miss Ryan. I already miss him. I miss playing with him. Ugh but you know what, I'm going to enjoy this road trip. I'm going to see my friends and hang out with myself and enjoy life. I can do this.

After my cross country road trip, I will take a month or two and then start dating again. I want to put myself out there. My crush on Ryan is still there but I think him being super emotionally unavailable and I feel like I'm not his type at all. I think he's super cute but I feel like what I need in a guy is someone who takes initiative and shows that he likes me.

I was thinking about Andrew and how I felt like at the beginning of the relationship, he tried and put effort and eventually he stopped caring and planning dates and things. I want a guy who knows what he wants and can plan dates and do sweet things. It's not like that hardest ask, is it? I'm dreading dating in my mid-30s but it is, what it is. I'm going to give myself until October to get over Andrew and my crush on Ryan and then start figuring things out. I want to try online dating. Maybe it's time to make the profile and do the thing.

I can't read the guy. I'm going to test another theory out on Monday. Also, maybe a coincidence but I was going to ask him to join the Monday open play and I was really thinking about him and suddenly, I saw that he signed up. Coincidence or did he see my name and was like okay, i'll sign up. Hmmm... I feel like there's a thing between us but he's hesitant?

Who knows. Ugh, he's so cute. I'm a bit sad cause I'm leaving to go on this road trip and I won't be seeing cute pickleball guy for a month. I know better than to stir something up before I leave, I just have to behave, be good and just focus on my road trip and moving/packing. Less than a week to pack.

It's been awhile, maybe last year when I had a crush. Ugh. This guy I'm crushing over is soooo cute - very sweet, very communicative, he likes playing with me and is super easy going but sooo unavailable. No he doesn't have a gf but he recently got out of a relationship and I can't date emotionally unavailable men. Ugh but he's so cute. I'm just going to enjoy this crush and keep inviting him to play with me and my friends.

I haven't really updated in awhile but a lot has changed! I'm taking a leave of absence from work, or short term disability leave. I've been feeling severe burn out and anxiety/exhaustion and went to my doctor and she agreed and had wrote a note saying I will need to take 2 months off which I'm really excited for so I can jet off to wherever, take sometime to relax and be in a better mindset. I will also have time to pack my stuff and move and do my road trip across Canada/US. The summer is starting to look up! I also still have my freelancing job so will do that as my income will be reduced. I'm excited to take some time off work and relax. I've been grinding it out for the last 6 years at this job and I'm over putting up with my director, unreasonable timelines, I've requested reduce workload and now I'm at my limit with her and her bs and favoritism.

How is it almost mid-Feb? Time is flying and the year felt like it just started. What's new. First, Andrew and I have been ... doing well? We're still not together but I like him and this no strings attached kind of relationship is just working for us. Been going strong for a few months now and no arguments, no fighting, it's so peaceful. No obligations for me to see his family or be near his religious family. It's so... peaceful. I don't know when it'll end, I'm kind of sad thinking about it but I know it won't last forever but for now, it's working.

So I've been playing pickleball a lot & it's kind of crazy to think back to last May when I started my DUPR (pickleball rating) and I was at a 2.9 and 7 months later I'm 3.9. I'm almost at my goal of 4.0 which is kind of crazy for me to think about. I always said to my pickleball friends that once I hit 4.0, I'm done - I'm retiring. Calling it a day which is a lie. I think once I hit 4.0 I'll be coasting, I'll play tournaments and I might even jump to another level who knows. I'm actually very happy staying at 3.9. I'm still planning to move to the East Coast. Maybe I'll delay it until May instead. Driving across the country in May sounds better then April right? There's really no rush.

Wow, I can't believe it's so close to the end of year! The last few months have been entirely focused on playing pickleball. I won first place in my first singles tournament the other day and I was pleasantly shocked. I was so nervous because 1) playing singles meant you had to very fast and quick 2) I've gained like 20 pounds and during practice with friends I just didn't feel confident if I can maintain my stamina/endurance. Overall, I won gold and by a long shot too! I registered for another singles tournament next month but at a higher level so I'm hoping it'll be competitive and I would do well.

On another note, I finally told my womens' double partner, Alex that I wanted to walk away from playing together. I tried to let her know nicely last month but she convinced me out of it & my pickle friends told me to be nice and just say maybe in the future but I know since our last tournament, it wasn't going to work out. She shuts down during gameplay and she said to me, "I don't like in-game communication 😒" so... wtf? I'm not allowed to talk to you during games? And if I try to talk to her, she gets defensive and snappy. It's wild and stupid and ridiculous to say that in a two-person team. Anyways, I'm glad that's over with. I'm never listening to my pickle friends & just going to stand my ground could've resolved all my headache for the past month.

Next year goals is to again, try to lose 20 pounds, try to hit 4.0 dupr for singles women & mixed doubles and do my road trip across Canada.

Gosh I hate work. Well, I hate this one project that I'm on - I want to stick my middle finger at them and tell them to fuck off. It's the most annoying project team I've ever worked with. They have a bunch of entitled and useless people in the team & men who speak down to women. I can't wait until I'm off this project in February. Wish me luck!

In other news, I've been playing in a lot of pickleball tournaments came second recently and 4th place for women's doubles. I was pretty pissed at the 4th place win as we could've easily won 3rd place but I felt like my women's partner was just not helpful. I told her that I think I need something different and our playing styles don't match, I was trying to let her go nicely but she keeps insisting we play well together and we don't. I feel like I'm carrying the burden of the team while she just stands around & she's just really really slow. I can't deal with it anymore. I was so choked about that 4th place finish. Her high volume of unforced errors was insane - it's not going to work for me. I just have to be nice and polite about it cause the community is small but never again.

Anyways, love life is non-existent lol. Andrew and I haven't spoken in awhile and it's fine - the friends with benefits thing had to come to an end eventually. It was fun while it lasted and I think it just naturally sizzled out. I'm happier where I'm at now, and it's so nice to finally be at peace with being single. I don't know why I felt a sense of loneliness before - it's still there but I think what helped a lot was keeping busy and focusing on other hobbies. I'm nowhere near close dating another person - I can't even think about that right now. I want to stay single for awhile, maybe forever lol. It's nice to be child-free and single, I feel like I have all the time in the world now. I'm also excited and preparing to move to the East Coast next year, even if it's for a few months. I keep flip-flopping with it, like yes I'm going to pull the plug and do it and then other times I'm like... maybe not? I know I'm ready for a change but the thought of moving my stuff out of my apartment sounds dreadful.

How is it already the end of October? I'm debating whether I should move out of my current place and hand in my notice next week to my landlords? The lease is up in December and we're required to give 30 days notice if we want to end our lease or go month-to-month after. Right now, rent in the city is quite cheap but I still need to figure out a place for December/January. Maybe, I should stay until January?

I don't know what to do but i feel like I'm ready for a change next year. I hate moving though and I dont' know what to do with all the stuff I have that I might use again when I'm back. I told one of my close friends that I'm planning to move to the east coast, she was so excited and said she can't wait. Ugh, i'll have to really sit down with myself and figure out next year's plan. I'm so ready to drive across the country and pack and move my things.

Wowza, it's been a wild month. Came back from Yosemite back to the city, told some pickleball friends (Steph and Pickleball guy) both to fuck off and no longer speaking to either of them. I don't even want to get into what had happened, but just know that these two people are on my pickleball shit list of people. It's nice knowing that I have freewill and I don't have to pretend to be nice or put up with bad behaviour/disrespect from people who I thought were my "friends". I loosely say friends cause pickleball friends, let's be honest, aren't really my friends. I've learnt better now to keep pickleball friends at arm's length, there's too much drama in the community and it's best to be the "floater" that comes in and out.

I'm playing in a few tournaments the next few months. My goal is to get my dupr to 3.5 by the end of the year. I think I can get there. I'm also putting myself in the mindset that my pickleball community of friends are acquaintances not real friends. This whole summer I thought I was making new friends but for some reason, people in this sport are so competitive and catty and I just realized that I have to think I'm playing Big Brother or Survivor, it's a competition, be nice to everyone, small "island" or "house", and navigate the BS. I'm so over it and trying to focus on myself and my own game.

On another note, looking forward to my friend's wedding in Mexico in November and riding the rest of the year out. Also, Andrew and I are still hanging out/chilling. We're not together and it's a bit messy but we know that there's no future there. I'm floating the idea of moving to the East coast in March/April next year. I think I want to live there for 6 months, just for a change of scenery. We'll see how the rest of the year goes and when my apartment lease is over.

Climbed half dome and hiked Yosemite Upper Falls. It was so amazing and the park is so breathtaking! I already miss it. I was staying in San Jose for two weeks and apart of me feels like I could live there. I loved the variety of asian cuisine and how close it was to San Francisco and Yosemite and all the big national parks. Very close to the coast as well. Ahhh, if only my job would let me live outside my state!

Wow, who knew there would be pickleball drama in my pickleball group but here we are & now I'm kind of like whatever about the group. There's this one girl named Steph, who I genuinely liked and we got along real well and hung out a few times. I introduced her to Pickleball guy and my other pickleball friends and now she's leaving me out and messaging Pickleball guy and my other friends on the side. Me and Pickleball guy play well together and it took me forever to find a mixed partner and now she's trying to take my mixed partner. Also there's another girl in the group named Jenny who I feel like genuinely she hates me and Steph. She's definitely jealous of Steph because Jenny has told me many times on the side how Steph is trying to steal Pickleball guy and that she never invites us out to play with the guys.

I didn't notice it back then but I definitely noticed it recently. Here's an example, I asked Steph and our pickleball group of guys to come play at this specific pickleball court, let's say Pickleball Court Location A. Steph said she's going to take a rest day and Pickleball guy said maybe. The day comes and guess what? They as in Steph and Pickleball guy ends up going to Pickleball Court Location B half an hour away. So Steph lied and Pickleball Guy is following his dick clearly. Jenny ended up coming to Location A to play with me for abit and then she went to Location B and called me to talk shit about Steph and her with the guys and how they lied. Ugh. I hate this group drama. I hate how everyone is making me feel like shit.

So I'm feeling a type of way with this group & have planned to do my own thing moving forward. I just can't put up with catty attention-seeking bad behaviour and I need to stay away from Jenny and Steph. So toxic.

The last few months have been such a whirlwind, traveling, hiking in Nepal, returning back to the city, and then making a ton of new friends through pickleball. I had a short-lived crush on Pickleball Guy which no longer exists. I'm talking again to Andrew and we've been hooking up (lol) casually. Yes, it's abit iffy but a girl's got needs. I know I can try to have something casual with someone else but honestly, I just can't be bothered right now (also, safety!) plus I know him well and it's just fun. Nothing serious and not getting back together.

I have a lot planned the next few months. I'm doing a road trip next week to Yosemite National Park stopping in Portland to see a friend and then to San Francisco to meet up some girlfriends. We're doing backpacking trip to El Capitan and Yosemite Falls. I'm going to try to get permits to Half Dome. It's been on my bucketlist for awhile and I think it's time.

I'm thinking of flying to Thailand for a solo trip in October but also to meet up a friend I haven't seen in years who just moved there. Then my friend's wedding in November in Mexico. Then next thing you know it, it's December & my lease will be over and I'll move out of this apartment and into ... who knows. I haven't figured out anything and what I want to do but I'm thinking about moving to the East Coast next year for a few months just to try something new.

I realized that I can't be bothered with dating right now with all that's going on with my life. I'm just enjoying life right now and it feels like I'm finally entering a season of my life where i'm okay with everything. I think having this casual thing with Andrew is good enough for me and if I meet someone in the wild I'll be open to it.

How is it already August? Where is the time flying. I feel like half the summer is already gone. In a few days I'll be playing in my first big pickleball tournament and then I'm heading off to a road trip to Jasper and Banff to go spend some time to hike.

I feel like it's a weird time for me to leave because my social life is amazing lately. I'm starting to feel like myself again. I miss having so many friends and being asked to bbqs and hang outs. Who knew pickleball would do that! I'm really happy I kept with it and got over my awkwardness of showing up alone to pickleball courts and just played and made friends.

I'm still thinking about my next steps. I have 4 more months on my lease and I don't know what to do. I want to move but I also don't? I don' t know. I'm starting to feel like maybe I should stay in the city and build my friendships but there's apart of me who is ready for what's next. Ughhh.

Ugh. Pickleball guy is my enigma, I can't figure out if he's cute or not. One moment I'll get the immediate ick and then another time I'm like, "he's cute". Today for example, he was cute, but another day he'll be completely not... you know, I'm just going to enjoy this as it comes and goes.

He's a bit interesting and I know that he kind of feels a certain way to me. I definitely notice that he looks for me on the courts and I do really genuinely like playing with him. And he's not bad too look at... at all. And he also gets my sense of humour so that's a bonus. Ugh, I don't know, you know, I'll admit it, he's cute. Let's just say that for now.

Anyways, I'll be my friend's bridesmaid in a few months and I really need to focus more on exercise and eating better. It just feels like an uphill battle and I'm soooo frustrated with my lack of progress. It's soo hard. I don't want to diet but I feel like I need to start taking it more serious before the wedding in November. I have 16 weeks so maybe I can try to lose at least 10 pounds before October. Let's see how this goes.