#breakup help

Day 3 of no contact. You’ve checked your phone 47 times, drafted a dozen texts you didn’t send, and found yourself genuinely wondering if your ex is still alive because surely they would have contacted you by now if they were okay. Sound familiar? If you’re asking “why does no contact feel so hard,” you’re experiencing one of the most universally challenging aspects of breakup recovery. The…

this is a big one. Narcissists who get caught in a lie do not just "stop" or "get better" or "change" no matter how much you tried to empathize, repair, understand or gain clarity about it. This is going to sting. I know it does and I'm so sorry..

Let's process this together.

if that's what they defaulted to outside of your presence, and they didn't stop their ways on their own, getting caught isn't going to change that. They might apologize, they might fake remorse. They aren't sorry for hurting you. They knew what they were doing. They didn't care. Not about you, the outcome or the consequences. They are only sorry they got caught. They are kicking themselves in the ass for not being sneakier about it.

They might promise it will never happen again. There might be breaking down, tears or some other dramatic theatrical performances.

Don't buy that bullshit. Please translate this whole thing as if they were saying "I promise to never get caught again" for your own sake.

They are low individuals with little moral compass in life, it's hard to care when you're a narcissist, much less care in regards to anyone elses feelings.

Narcissists are best described as adult babies that need instant gratification and their little whines and cries met. This stems from unmet needs from childhood (not your fault, not your issues to fix)

So how does cheating come into play? The mind will attempt to rationalize this, but when you're dealing with an irrational person it's not going to make sense.

They need validation from outsiders so they can feel better about how bad they treat you and everyone around you. Anyone can pretend to be someone else when they are trying to impress an outsider.

Most likely, you've been discarded after they picked up on your emotional intelligence... They are trying to play the hero card.

they have convinced the other person that YOU are the toxic one, and they are the victim. You MADE them cheat. Well if you didn't do this or that, they wouldn't have acted that way. They will use every trick in the book to make it your fault. And if you're angry and upset about all this they'll use your anger against you too claiming that you're unstable, which will validate their actions and behaviors.

THAT'S NOT A SORRY PERSON.

you don't deserve it. A person of heart and integrity won't lead you down a confusing path and hurt you with lies, infidelity, spite deceit and so on.

When I found out about the lies and the cheating my body went into complete shock; I was very sick and distraught and my body failed me. A year later I'm still dealing with the consequences of stress and trauma. Ruminating and thinking I could have done something different to prevent this from happening turned into compulsive thoughts. Depression didn't even begin to describe it. One of the worst feelings in the world.

They're not entitled to hurt you. You did not ask for this. You didn't make them lie, cheat or abuse your love and commitment.

Spineless monsters, snakes...that's what you are dealing with. The injury did not start with you, and it is not your fault.

There's no one size all approach how to heal from this. You're going to need a ton of support, you going to need self care and someone to check in on you. Processing this is going to be a lot.

Realize that a cheating partner does not define your worthiness of a happy relationship. you may feel a lot of emotions like embarrassment and shame (like I did) this is a normal response to infidelity. Talking to someone professionally will help you through this.

I know it hurts. I know you feel like your heart has been shattered into a million pieces and it will never be whole again. I promise you, it will.

I know you’ve lost hope. I know you feel like the world has nothing to offer you anymore, and all happiness has left the planet. It does, and it hasn’t. I know you’re sad. I know you feel like you have failed at love and that you’re not going to be okay again. But you haven’t, and you will.

Feel sad for a short while. Let yourself cry, yell, shake, and sob. Then dry your pretty eyes, and follow these steps; Delete their number. Delete their texts. Delete the photos of them. Stop checking their twitter, their snapchat, and instagram. Let them go. You can’t move on if you keep your focus on what they’re doing now that you’re out of their life. In order to heal, you must concentrate on you, and the things that make you feel happy and safe.

Be selfish for a while. Watch the shows YOU like. Order the takeout YOU want. Go to the places YOU enjoy but never could when they were around. When you’ve realized how strong you really are, how much better you are without them, and how much worth you have, your wounds will heal, and you will be stronger than you were before.

Soon enough, you’ll go through a day, a week, a month without thinking about them or the memories that broke you into tears. The hole in your chest will shrink, the pieces of your heart will find their way back together again, and you will be whole once more.

One minute you felt loved, desired, and complete. The next, you’re questioning everything about yourself. “Am I not good enough? What’s wrong with me? Will anyone ever love me again?” If you’re wondering “why do I feel so worthless after the breakup,” you’re experiencing one of the most universal yet misunderstood aspects of relationship loss. You’re Not Broken—Your Brain Is Just Doing Its…

Unfortunately I have no personal experience with dating or breakups, so I will be referring to highlights of online articles instead - I hope this helps! If any followers want to add any advice, please feel free to share :)

WikiHow: How to Get Over a Breakup (https://www.wikihow.com/Get-Over-a-Break-Up):

Keep your distance• If they try to convince you to see them, ask yourself honestly what the point would be. If you’re reliving the past by seeing them, it’s not hard to get caught up in the moment and it will be harder to let go again.• You may have to have some contact in order to deal with the practical aspects of things like moving out, signing papers, etc., but try to limit this to what’s absolutely necessary, and then keep such calls/meetings short and civil.Remove painful memory triggers.• There are all kinds of things that remind you of your ex––a song, a smell, a sound, a place. Having these items around can make it harder for you to recover from a breakup. Remove all of the things that make your heart ache or your stomach turn. It can work wonders to clear your space of all these triggers.Continue to take care of yourself. • It is common for people to put less effort into self-care after a breakup, but doing so will not help you to feel better. Make sure that you are seeing to your basic needs for mental, physical, and spiritual well-being. If you were not taking good care of yourself before the relationship ended, now is a good time to start. Make sure that you are eating well, sleeping enough, making time for relaxation, and getting regular exercise to feel your best.• Relax for at least 15 minutes per day. Try meditation, deep breathing exercises, or yoga to help you relax. Surround yourself with supportive people.• You want people around you who love you and who will help you feel good about yourself. Surrounding yourself with compassionate, supportive friends and family will help you see yourself as a worthwhile person, and you’ll find it easier to get steady on your feet again with your loved ones around you. • Don’t be afraid to ask your friends and family for support if you need someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on. Consider talking to a therapist if the pain becomes too great. • Many people are able to recover from a breakup on their own, but this is not possible for everyone. If you are having trouble coping with your emotional pain or if you think you might be depressed as a result of the breakup, get help from a mental health professional as soon as possible. Reflect on your relationship. • Consider all of the reasons that you and your ex broke up. Try to keep in mind that even if that you enjoyed being together for a while, something was not working. Thinking about the reasons why the relationship ended can help you understand why you need to move on. • You may also be able to avoid making the same mistakes in the future if you can identify areas where you contributed to the demise of the relationship. Ask yourself some of the following questions:• Did I contribute to the end of the relationship? If so, what did I do?Do I tend to choose the same sort of people to date? If so, what are they like? Are they good for me? Why or why not?Have I had similar problems in other relationships? If so, what is causing me to have these problems? What can I do differently in future relationships? Stand by your decision. • If the breakup was your decision, keep in mind that focusing on the good times you had with your partner may cause you to forget the reasons why you broke it off. By the same token, try not to second-guess the situation if the decision to end things was not yours. It’s very common to romanticize the good parts of the relationship and convince yourself that the bad parts weren’t so bad after all. Don’t play this game with yourself. Accept the situation and work on moving forward.

6 Ways to Recover from the End of a Toxic Breakup (https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/6-ways-to-recover-from-the-end-of-a-toxic-relationship)

Make a list.• It’s good to see it on paper, so make a list of all the things that were hurtful, wrong or bad about your relationship.Stay busy with positive people you can trust. • This is a given with any breakup, really, but it’s especially important to fill the void you’re feeling with people who will have a bright, positive presence in your life. Instead of wallowing, fill up your schedule with friends who understand you’re going through a hard breakup and want to help you out of that dark place. Write awful poetry. • Go out, buy a journal or sketchbook, and just write. If you don’t consider yourself much of a writer, you might feel a little silly doing this. The truth is, you don’t have to share it with anyone, you don’t have to go back years later and read it, and you don’t even have to save it. H*ll, burn it when you’re done if you’d like. You’re experiencing a lot of frustration, sadness, confusion and anger, and this is a safe outlet for all of it.

4 Ways to Overcome a Toxic Relationship (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/having-sex-wanting-intimacy/201705/4-ways-overcome-toxic-relationship)

Pursue self-growth.• Change will not be instant, and you won’t meet Mr. or Mrs. Right immediately. Take all of that time you spent trying to better understand your toxic partner, or to fix the flawed relationship, and invest it in yourself. Use your energy to pursue self-growth. Start meditating or journaling, read self-help books, or take up weekly psychotherapy. When you do date, thoughtfully consider those you have gone for before, and work to engage new and different types of personalities. A strong, immediate attraction can sometimes mean trouble ahead for a relationship. Hold back and wait a few beats. This tactic will help you avoid another disappointing relationship.

Psychologist Explains How To Release Emotional Attachments To Toxic Relationships (https://www.powerofpositivity.com/release-toxic-relationships/)

Find a new outlet for stress.• Maybe you’re the type of person that really needs to write out all of your feelings. If so, buy yourself a brand-new journal, some fancy pens, and let her rip. Or, maybe you’re a more physical person. Taking up jogging or hitting the gym is probably a better way for you to burn off all those excess feelings. Let yourself have brand new experiences.• At the end of a bad relationship, you have the opportunity to experience all kinds of new things that you otherwise wouldn’t have. Don’t let yourself chicken out. You’re on the cusp of a brand-new chapter of life!• Moving on and keeping yourself sane after a break up practically requires trying new things, even if those new things are something as small as a drink you’ve never tried before. New experiences are going to keep you going for a while, so don’t turn them down.Don’t check up on them!• Quit sneaking peeks of their Instagram. Don’t see what is on their Twitter feed. Stop texting your mutual friends to see how they’re doing. The relationship is over, and unless it ended amicably and you’re both still friends, there’s no reason to keep snooping on your ex. Remember: you’re going to be okay.

And finally, here’s some advice from me.

• Remember your boundaries! If you don’t want them contacting you, tell them so. Be firm, polite, and clear. Block their social medias, their phone number/s, their email, whatever else they can use to contact you. You don’t owe them anything.• Take your time with healing, there’s no rush. Different people heal at different rates for different things, and a breakup with a toxic person is no different. Don’t be afraid to stay away from dating - conversely, be careful with jumping into a new relationship too quickly. Just go at your own pace, regardless of what anyone else says.• Try something new! Maybe pick up knitting, podcasts, or video games! I don’t know a whole lot about the first two, but if you’re interested in video games (or interested in getting interested in video games!) theres this one website called Epic Games where they put a different video game up for free every two weeks, I personally have gotten a couple of nice ones that way! I’ve always wanted to get into video games but I’ve never really had the money, so I find that Epic Games is really nice in this regard.

If you’d like, here: (https://closetgremlin.tumblr.com/tagged/how+to%3A+relationship) is a link to various tumblr posts about what relationships should look like and how to avoid toxic relationships etc., for future reference. (It’s not a random blog, don’t worry, I have permission to link them)