Finding Myself (Or At Least Trying To)
This morning, a friend reached out to me, and her message made me pause. It pushed me to reflect on my current selfāon how I feel right now, why I chose to live the way Iām living, and whether Iāve truly found myself yet.
A few days ago, I couldnāt stop thinking about freedom. Not the glamorous kind, but the quiet kind that lets you breathe without feeling judged. Lately, Iāve been carrying this invisible pressureāas if I need to behave the way people expect me to. I catch myself hiding parts of who I am depending on the group Iām with, never showing the whole picture.
But deep down, what I want is simple: to feel unchained, to spread my wings, to finally fly high as myself. To be accepted as I amāeven the parts I usually tuck away. Because the truth is, itās hard to accept yourself when others wonāt. And yet, I also crave a ānormalā life. But what does ānormalā even mean? Is my version of it different from theirs?
I canāt say Iāve fully found myself yet. What Iāve found are different versions of meāand honestly, I like them all. Each represents a piece of Xyreen. But not all of them fit neatly into the communities I try to belong to.
Right now, I donāt know where my choices will lead. But what I do feel is a strange kind of contentmentāsatisfaction mixed with self-preservation. And Iām holding onto hope. Hope that one day Iāll have the courage to believe in myself fully. Hope that Iāll dare to go beyond whatās easy to reach.
Because lately, Iāve only been grasping whatās within armās length. One day, I want to risk reaching for something truly valuableāsomething that feels like flight.
