#bottom jean

Most of the time, though, Jean very much prefers feeling Jeremy inside him. The weight of him. The steadiness. The unbearable intimacy of choosing vulnerability and discovering, over and over, that Jeremy will hold it gently instead of using it against him. The fullness on his chest when he looks at Jeremy's face and watch it shine with pride and love and wonder every time he sinks into him.

Back when they were first starting to talk about sex, Jean had done careful research. He found more than one comment arguing that victims of sexual assault do better topping. That bottoming can be re-victimizing, can drag the trauma back to the surface. That they deserve better. That they deserve partners who would be fine just being the bottom most of the time.

Now we have a sandwich🥪

jean kirstein x f!reader

WARNING / TAGS: smut, 18+, bottom!jean, top!reader, overstimulation, bondage, breeding, praise

SYNOPSIS: you and jean decide to try something new in bed. wc - 763

AN: this isn’t proofread i got lazy BUT this is my first smut here so enjoy!

the idea came to you randomly while sitting against a tree next to jean.

the two of you wanted to try new things when it came to sex, but neither of you had any idea what to do or what to try. when an idea did come to either of you, you’d try it but neither of you would like it. so when this idea came to you, you couldn’t let it pass.

“jean, love,” you whispered, looking up at him. he put his sketchbook down and looked at you. “this is going to sound random, but just hear me out.”

he laughed. “can’t be more random than other stuff you say, but I’m listening.”

you took a deep breath and said with full courage, “i want to top you tonight.”

at first, jean was taken aback at the sudden idea which had you worried he wouldn’t want to be topped. however his expression quickly changed to a smug smile as he leaned closer to you and whispered in your ear.

“we can try, but let’s see if i actually like it.”

and that’s how you had jean a moaning mess under you.

me:

In such situations, Jean more often than not gets designated as the "top" in his and Jeremy's relationship. People take a look at him — tall, large, broody — and it becomes a matter of fact to throw the label around. The opposite happens to Jeremy, whose smaller body and sunshine demeanor earns him the "bottom" role in people's minds.

Neither of them corrects the assumptions. In Jean's eyes, it's Jeremy's and his life, and no one is entitled to what goes on inside the privacy of their bedroom. Jeremy doesn't care about it — as biased and sometimes insensitive as it might be, it has been mostly harmless. (Of course, homophobic people do try to use it against them, but that is an entirely different situation than a gay man asking Jeremy about how he found a boyfriend who is a top.) In other words, "let them think what they want" is the mentality they've kept since the first time it happened.

No one but them needs to know how Jean unravels under Jeremy's hands, how much he yearns to be filled by him. Nor how Jeremy never quite knew pleasure like the one he feels when he satisfies Jean — how an orgasm by his hand, or with Jean over him, is amazing of course, but the high he gets when it's intertwined with giving Jean exactly what he wants? Unraveling his lover in the exact way he asks? It's like every sensation multiplied over.

And, of course, they weren't there to see how they fought to get to this point — the demons of their past haunting every step they took, still showing their ugly teeth sometimes, even now. But they learned to fight them.

Oh, my lovely, lovely Jeremy. Such a complex character, continuously toeing the line between genuine kindness and people-pleasing. For Jeremy's sex life, this dichotomy can lead us to one of two understandings: either Jeremy is not a 'service' anything and he is using sex as another method of people-pleasing, or he is actually a service top who does find the tangible pleasure of his partner a multiplier of his own pleasure, but he has twisted it into a toxic, people-pleasing shape it is not meant to be. I, of course, am of the belief it is the latest. But instead of making this some sort of debate in support of Jeremy as a service top, I'm taking the fact that he is one for granted and going deeper into the evolution of how that works in his relationship with Jean, because there is no way it stays the same. Jeremy is not walking into this as the seasoned expert. He is walking into this just as lost, just in different ways, with different wounds. And THAT is what I really want to get into (and regarding this topic of 'Jeremy's genuine kindness vs. people-pleasing,' I do want to eventually write a separate post that is not limited to sexual dynamics).

While it is a given that Jean will struggle at the beginning of their sexual relationship for reasons that have been discussed and will continue to be discussed —and have to be, don't get me wrong—I think Jeremy will struggle too, in a different way. Jeremy has a lot of sexual experience, but most of it—except for maybe his short relationship with Leo—has been non-reciprocal and transactional. There is pleasure involved: the physical sensations are real, and the satisfaction of being good at it is real. He's enjoying parts of these encounters... Yet, sex with these men is on the people-pleasing side of the spectrum. It is "I will make it good for you because that's what I do and need you to be happy with me." None of these men care about Jeremy, and not in a "Jeremy gets to finish" way but as someone who is invested in Jeremy feeling good from beginning to end, who tracks it, and who wants it. And Jeremy has been fine with that. The wanting to give is real — that part has never been a performance — but instead of it being healthy, he has learned to wrap it around his wounds and lock away everything else.

These encounters are also very routine. Jeremy knows the ways to give pleasure, and he's good at them. He knows which buttons to touch; he can probably do it with his eyes closed, to be honest. Come, get them off; get off; leave. Easy, normal, predictive (and regret-filled).

And then, Jean comes in like a wrecking ball (Miley-Cyrus.gif).

Jeremy is often portrayed like Jean's teacher of all things sex. I don't think this is necessarily a lie, but in the beginning Jeremy would probably default to the patterns—attentive, accommodating, focused on Jean—but Jean is not "just another guy"; he's Jean, and Jeremy's old formula doesn't quite work the same. Just being allowed this, with Jean, is a privilege Jeremy doesn't take for granted. And between navigating their trauma, discussions of consent, Jean's lack of experience, and this being so new for both of them, it is a learning curve.

The first time Jean asks Jeremy what he wants, it hits Jeremy like a foreign concept. He genuinely can’t remember the last time anyone asked him that. So he responds, "To make you feel good, of course," and he probably even smiles when he says it, because that's what Jeremy does. But then Jean follows it with a quiet, devastating, and what else? And everything stops. Jeremy goes quiet. He’s never been given the space to form an answer. The slow realization that he has spent so long perfecting how to give that he forgot to ask himself why. And that those are not the same question at all. The thing is, he does love it. The giving. That part has never been a lie; there is something that lights up in him when he knows he's getting it right, when he can feel his partner unraveling because of him. But somewhere along the way he decided that was enough. That wanting anything beyond that — to be seen, to be asked, to matter to someone from beginning to end — was asking for too much. So he kept the part he felt he'd earned and quietly let go of the rest. They don't have sex that day.

Or imagine something happens: a trigger, something that they try that Jean doesn't quite enjoy, Jeremy saying the wrong thing... Whatever it was, Jean doesn't come. Jeremy's reflex would spike, the anxiety would show, and it would be something else for them to work on. No, Jean didn't get an orgasm, but also, no, it is not Jeremy's fault, and it is fine. Except Jeremy has to actually believe that. Not smile and say of course while the partner-pleasure meter in his head keeps running and he feels like he's going into debt. But to actually sit with the fact that his value in this room is not contingent on the outcome. That is its own mountain to climb. And he does, in time.

Because as Jean learns more about himself and his body and Jeremy gets used to having someone who sees and cares about him as a person whose experience matters, who gets full attention and care, I see them moving into something like a Jean power bottom era. Jean now knows what he likes and how he likes it, and he's open to asking for it. So he does. And Jeremy follows. And this is such a great experience because it doesn't only mean that Jean is empowered but also that Jeremy gets instructions on how to maximize his partner's pleasure. He can let go of control because that's Jeremy being freed from labor he was never supposed to be carrying alone, by himself. He still gives, but now that giving is also a consideration of his own needs. This is another type of vulnerability, while, at the same time, getting that bone-deep satisfaction of being good to his partner. Healthy, genuine giving.

Then, Jeremy might want to take the lead again. Now he knows Jean almost as much as Jean knows himself—he knows the specific rhythm Jean responds to, the particular way his breathing changes, what makes him tense up, and what makes him let go completely. They have been making a map of Jean together all this time, and now he wants to use it. But it's not just Jean's map anymore. Jeremy has been working on one of his own—learning the pathways of what he actually wants and what actually feels like his—and now he can see where the two meet, where they overlap, where they light each other up. He knows Jean. He finally knows himself. Now he feels confident that he can take some control and figure out new ways, inside their boundaries, to truly make Jean melt. "I love you, I know you, I know what you like, and I want to give it to you because I know it will make you feel as good as it will make me feel." And Jean, who has spent so long learning to trust his own body, now gets to discover what it feels like to trust Jeremy with it completely, to actually let go, because it's Jeremy, because he's safe.

In the comments, as an anon, redirecting me to a post, a DM everything is welcome (except for smoke signals because I'm afraid I can't read smoke).

I want to be able to interact in here with people who enjoy the same thing.

So please 🥺