#borderline probs

It's hard when you cant pinpoint it down to the exact moment. When theres no clear answer. No obvious catalyst that makes you go "well ok that makes sense, I understand now."

Ive been striving to analyze myself over this last year. Its hard fucking work. But im finally reaching a new turning point where I'm asking myself these questions DURING the actual behavior/thought/words coming out of my mouth, rather than retrospectively realizing that I in fact don't agree with what I did/thought/said and would really love to take it back.

Its a baby step. But its a step. Its finally another fucking tangible step forward.

Now I'm left wondering how long it will take me to control these impulses. To recognize and stop them BEFORE anything happens. To tame certain wild pieces inside of me before they ruin my life.

Or worse. Someone else's.

... Again.

So many people have been caught in the wake of my worst and most uncontrollable impulses and I'm watching it happen again like a bad car accident.

I'm anxiously awaiting tomorrow's weekly therapy session.

How can you know you want to change but at the same time, almost refuse to do so? I'm struggling with a very specific Thing that's unfolding. I'm manipulating someone into believing I will exclusively be His.

You see, he gave me my first rule today. Something simple, a daily good morning - and the meaning/expectation behind those two simple words would be a confirmation that I am His, and that there is no other Sir.

Of course I agreed. Wholeheartedly. Knowing full well that what he really means is there is no other suitor of any kind, Sir or not.

Is it really my fault to take his words literally though? Of course there will be no other Sir. No other person who could say that I belong to them.

But will there be others?

It's both possible and likely. And the fact that THAT is my honest answer to myself is something I can't stand about myself.

So again. I ask myself.

Why am I like this? When did I start feeling a sense of satisfaction over knowing I'm capable of - quite successfully - making someone believe every fucked up word that crawls its way out of my throat and winds itself so masterfully around their ears that they believe they're listening to the sweetest of symphonies?

How long have I even been like this? Is this what I've been doing all my life? Is this the ugly truth of what it means to be a chameleon? I recognized my ability to know which mask to create and put on for someone almost instantly after meeting them at the surprisingly young age of 11. I was in 7th grade and feared that I have no real personality of my own bc I just adopt someone else's instead.

I always thought I just didn't know how else to make friends other than making them think we're either 2 peas in a pod or that we are the perfect depiction of opposites attract.

I think its becoming clear to me that this behavior goes much deeper than I ever realized. And I don't know if I've reached its depths yet.

trauma, resurfacing: 👀

me: lol ok thanks

fp: hey bighead