Fucked Up Kid

After the worst panic attack week in years, I’ve officially pissed off everyone close to me because they’ve all become tired of my episodes. I do everything I can to be upfront about what I’m going through, and even accommodating to them to make up for any inconveniences that I may cause, but it’s never enough. I’m home now and stuck in this hole of wishing my family had been even slightly excited to see me after being away for so long, wishing I hadn’t ruined everything for myself by being stuck in my own head, and not wanting to be alive anymore because I can’t keep going through this over and over again. I’m tired of waiting for the next episode, tired of waking up and being scared of what’ll happen during my day and trying to plan for it. Everyone else is so tired of something always being wrong with me, and I get it, because I’m fucking tired of it too. I’m trying to get help, but I can’t get anybody and I can’t talk to anyone close to me now. I just want this to be over.

How to tell my significant other that I’m not doing well for the 50th time this year without seeming like I’m doing it for attention... at this point I’m just pretending to be fine and they’re not questioning anything, so either they don’t fucking care or I’m hiding it very well

When they hit you with the “I don’t trust anyone but you”, fuck dude I don’t trust me. Now I’m panicking thinking of anything that they could find out I did and make them lose trust in me and then they leave me. Wow. I’m a nuisance.

Sometimes I feel like you’re shaping me to be what you want me to be, and I hold back parts of myself that I want to express but you don’t like so I keep them to myself.

After getting kicked off campus because of the virus, I’m now miserably stuck at home. No privacy, no bedroom of my own, and soon to once again be unwillingly sucked into the routine here of getting bitched at to do things. I need this virus to end quickly, I can’t even think about being here for more than a week or two...