#bo1d

Bo1d was a pivotal point in my psyche. A place of comfort. A place of contentment. A place where I could let my mind, no matter how dark or distorted, be free. I could swear, curse, and let loose the atrocities that plagued my mind. Things that yelled at me, things I wanted to yell back at. It was a freedom on an open span of anonymity. Here I am, once more, maybe the actual last, to reconcile. Peace, if such a thing exists.

"Is there a future for someone like me? Will I still exist in a world like this? Is it painful? Is it sad? Not even knowing myself. I'm just tired of walking, I dont even understand people."

In life, no matter what's happened, I've always been my own biggest downside. I always see the worst. Plan for it, and wait for it. Endurance and the Long Game, it seems to be my specialty. But, I've suffered severe casualties.

I've grown, I've matured. Ive done so much since I've been here. Yet I've... reached my mental capacity. It's been said before, and rang true. I'm at it again. Once more, music answers the words I had no hope of speaking.

Even in the best of times, my existence has been painful. Ignorable, back of the mind, brushed off pain. But painful. Now, with my position... My choices moving forward will be cataclysmic. There are people willing to help, I know. But. I cant. I cant. I

...

It should be no surprise. As I'm writing this, I'm hand-fed a Glimmer of hope. A potential outlet. I'm at the precipice of my minds final endeavour, ravenously, voraciously, glaring down below to my Ultimum. Theres been no cleaner, carefree, mind opening path than the choice I've driven off for nearly 6,000 days. In fact, June 11th will be the 6,000th day. Basically 5 months from now... If my math is right.

Dearest Glimmer, your intentions are unclear. Your motives are unknown. Your thoughts are kind. But. Even if the distraction is only for a moment, perhaps that's all I needed.

Ladies, Gentlemen, Denziens and Degenerates, and all else who have been, or shall be.

Thank you.

It's few and far between, its supportive and critical, but before writing this... I see old messages, set idle and forgotten. I see conversations of encouragement and solace. Never have I asked, nor will I, for such things from others. From one unknown to another, to be that... That... Indescribably good natured.. Its one of my Golden Rules because of you all.

It's been nearly broken, time and time again. To the brink of now. ... The pinnacle of my self torment.

1/24/14-5:34am

And by no means does anything imply follow-through of my thoughts. Plausible to call dark, cold, and deathly text is to follow, so skip over this if  Iyou're not in for the long haul.

And to remind the people that know me, who know I severely overthink daily, that I have migraines, daily, that I have these deep dark, cold thoughts, daily.. That I am currently at a zen state.. I have a clear head on my shoulders, for right now. That, this observation of sorts is something I feel I need to write.

That.. When truly thought over, the things I've done, the things I've said, the things I've realized in 21 years of life... I am worthless, to myself, and everything in the circle of life in the future.

If things were to cease tomorrow, irregardless how, S T(and others) J S C N M R V T D L C would all be effected.. Some much more deeply than others.. That the ones who wander the darkness with me would question it all.. But would hopefully abide by the one promise I've made them give. Life. That, despite those 13 people, life would continue. Whatever memories, whatever thoughts of, in time, will wash away. As it was, as it shall be, as it will be: Forgotten.

I can say, with a clear consciousness; I've experienced the deep-rooted good, and the deathly cold grasp of bad.. My life, if it were to end right now, or one hundred years from now... Is truly completed.. Any true dreams, goals, motivation, is on it's own path. It doesn't need my help anymore, it doesn't need my shoulder or stupidly cheesy flirtatiousness as a pick-me-up or wisdom. A few people have heard me say it, but my goal was always to make the people I care for to push for a better life than I have, and will have. For a better life they deserve. Honestly, the 13 I believe who need it the most also would be affected the most.. . . I'm not saying, out of those 13, anyone else I knew wouldn't be, but those 13.. Well, it'll be the one time I couldn't take that pain away.

To word the one true dream I've always had better... That those select few spirits, no matter how malevolently twisted, cold hearted, broken down and depraved, lonely and neglected, or hidden behind a farce they were, I could pick out that beautiful seed of kindness, I could see the true beauty of them, and I would push them to it. Push it to their consciousness. That hopefully one day in the future, it clicks for them. That they realize, it probably isn't even my voice or words that do it to them, but to realize their worth. To see what I saw in them. That one day, I wouldn't be needed, and I can slowly wither away, knowing what I've done is completed. That, is the one and true dream I can say I've had for.. Gosh.. Ten.. Or so years now. No matter how low I fell, am falling, and will fall, that those special seeds I saw, bloomed, and are in the process of blooming. That, is what makes my life complete.

Physical gain, worldly possessions. As nice as they are, as great as they can be.. Are worthless to me overall in the long run. Physical acts, physical gestures.. Are all but forgotten in due time.. That mental connect, that mental touch, caressing and feeling the soul... To truly understand someone, to the core, to feel their pain, their happiness, their sorrow... their regret... That jolt of realization they're not alone, and never will be.. That, is truly worth living for. And, I have experienced as such..

That, is the reason that my life is worthless. For all the good I have done, am doing, and will do... It's not something you can get by any other means besides by my own. Hollow to everyone but the intended souls.. But, hollow as is my life.

I casually look past the darkness that clouds my judgement daily, and I feel slowly returning to the outer reaches of my mind,  to remind my self that.. There is no reason to fear as I fear. To stress as I stress.. To worry as I worry... Yet, tomorrow, when I awaken, it will all be back, in its routine lineup of heavy migraine, depressed, deathly thoughts of cold-hearted end-all be-all self-centered plans. Realities chores' sinking in for stress factor uncompareable to any number known, and worrying that at the end of every hour, at the end of every day, ... Well, that it's the end... And not the death end, I have no fear or worry of that...

This was a request by a follower, and I'm not one to turn down a challenge as such. I'm not the most optimistic of people, infact I designate as a pessimistic introvert. Get a load of that! XD So this top 5 positive thing is... Hard.

I guess I should start, eh?

1. My capability of writing. To be able to write such beautiful things, to give characters life through my own experiences and to sort out my problems through it... It's a beautiful thing. If it be a horror, or love scene.. Or any others, The detail and well-written story have personal emotions and feelings behind them. I've never had a complaint about my writing.

2.Loyalty..? I think it's been called into question, by myself, over the last few months. Not through any actions done, just by thoughts... But I like to regard myself as an honest, trusting person. Those who I believe to be a friend, a true friend, I'll help them through any and all I can. And for the few who I consider even moreso than a friend, the loyalty is unparallelled.

3. Uhm... I don't even know... It's taken me 15 or 20 something minutes to get this far. ... hmmm... I guess, the next positive thing is... Something I can't do for myself. Capable of cheering others up and making them laugh... Short, and simple.

4. ... ... ... (3 years later) ... My capability to figure out, or sort, most, if not all problems. Depending on complexity and whatnot, it may take some time, but I'm a problem solver.

5. Uhh.... Cooking? Because I like to cook, at least for myself... I like my food, and that's all that counts,