#personal bo1d

Bo1d was a pivotal point in my psyche. A place of comfort. A place of contentment. A place where I could let my mind, no matter how dark or distorted, be free. I could swear, curse, and let loose the atrocities that plagued my mind. Things that yelled at me, things I wanted to yell back at. It was a freedom on an open span of anonymity. Here I am, once more, maybe the actual last, to reconcile. Peace, if such a thing exists.

"Is there a future for someone like me? Will I still exist in a world like this? Is it painful? Is it sad? Not even knowing myself. I'm just tired of walking, I dont even understand people."

In life, no matter what's happened, I've always been my own biggest downside. I always see the worst. Plan for it, and wait for it. Endurance and the Long Game, it seems to be my specialty. But, I've suffered severe casualties.

I've grown, I've matured. Ive done so much since I've been here. Yet I've... reached my mental capacity. It's been said before, and rang true. I'm at it again. Once more, music answers the words I had no hope of speaking.

Even in the best of times, my existence has been painful. Ignorable, back of the mind, brushed off pain. But painful. Now, with my position... My choices moving forward will be cataclysmic. There are people willing to help, I know. But. I cant. I cant. I

...

It should be no surprise. As I'm writing this, I'm hand-fed a Glimmer of hope. A potential outlet. I'm at the precipice of my minds final endeavour, ravenously, voraciously, glaring down below to my Ultimum. Theres been no cleaner, carefree, mind opening path than the choice I've driven off for nearly 6,000 days. In fact, June 11th will be the 6,000th day. Basically 5 months from now... If my math is right.

Dearest Glimmer, your intentions are unclear. Your motives are unknown. Your thoughts are kind. But. Even if the distraction is only for a moment, perhaps that's all I needed.

Ladies, Gentlemen, Denziens and Degenerates, and all else who have been, or shall be.

Thank you.

It's few and far between, its supportive and critical, but before writing this... I see old messages, set idle and forgotten. I see conversations of encouragement and solace. Never have I asked, nor will I, for such things from others. From one unknown to another, to be that... That... Indescribably good natured.. Its one of my Golden Rules because of you all.

It's been nearly broken, time and time again. To the brink of now. ... The pinnacle of my self torment.

1/24/14-5:34am

And by no means does anything imply follow-through of my thoughts. Plausible to call dark, cold, and deathly text is to follow, so skip over this if  Iyou're not in for the long haul.

And to remind the people that know me, who know I severely overthink daily, that I have migraines, daily, that I have these deep dark, cold thoughts, daily.. That I am currently at a zen state.. I have a clear head on my shoulders, for right now. That, this observation of sorts is something I feel I need to write.

That.. When truly thought over, the things I've done, the things I've said, the things I've realized in 21 years of life... I am worthless, to myself, and everything in the circle of life in the future.

If things were to cease tomorrow, irregardless how, S T(and others) J S C N M R V T D L C would all be effected.. Some much more deeply than others.. That the ones who wander the darkness with me would question it all.. But would hopefully abide by the one promise I've made them give. Life. That, despite those 13 people, life would continue. Whatever memories, whatever thoughts of, in time, will wash away. As it was, as it shall be, as it will be: Forgotten.

I can say, with a clear consciousness; I've experienced the deep-rooted good, and the deathly cold grasp of bad.. My life, if it were to end right now, or one hundred years from now... Is truly completed.. Any true dreams, goals, motivation, is on it's own path. It doesn't need my help anymore, it doesn't need my shoulder or stupidly cheesy flirtatiousness as a pick-me-up or wisdom. A few people have heard me say it, but my goal was always to make the people I care for to push for a better life than I have, and will have. For a better life they deserve. Honestly, the 13 I believe who need it the most also would be affected the most.. . . I'm not saying, out of those 13, anyone else I knew wouldn't be, but those 13.. Well, it'll be the one time I couldn't take that pain away.

To word the one true dream I've always had better... That those select few spirits, no matter how malevolently twisted, cold hearted, broken down and depraved, lonely and neglected, or hidden behind a farce they were, I could pick out that beautiful seed of kindness, I could see the true beauty of them, and I would push them to it. Push it to their consciousness. That hopefully one day in the future, it clicks for them. That they realize, it probably isn't even my voice or words that do it to them, but to realize their worth. To see what I saw in them. That one day, I wouldn't be needed, and I can slowly wither away, knowing what I've done is completed. That, is the one and true dream I can say I've had for.. Gosh.. Ten.. Or so years now. No matter how low I fell, am falling, and will fall, that those special seeds I saw, bloomed, and are in the process of blooming. That, is what makes my life complete.

Physical gain, worldly possessions. As nice as they are, as great as they can be.. Are worthless to me overall in the long run. Physical acts, physical gestures.. Are all but forgotten in due time.. That mental connect, that mental touch, caressing and feeling the soul... To truly understand someone, to the core, to feel their pain, their happiness, their sorrow... their regret... That jolt of realization they're not alone, and never will be.. That, is truly worth living for. And, I have experienced as such..

That, is the reason that my life is worthless. For all the good I have done, am doing, and will do... It's not something you can get by any other means besides by my own. Hollow to everyone but the intended souls.. But, hollow as is my life.

I casually look past the darkness that clouds my judgement daily, and I feel slowly returning to the outer reaches of my mind,  to remind my self that.. There is no reason to fear as I fear. To stress as I stress.. To worry as I worry... Yet, tomorrow, when I awaken, it will all be back, in its routine lineup of heavy migraine, depressed, deathly thoughts of cold-hearted end-all be-all self-centered plans. Realities chores' sinking in for stress factor uncompareable to any number known, and worrying that at the end of every hour, at the end of every day, ... Well, that it's the end... And not the death end, I have no fear or worry of that...

As always, these are #personal bo1d

Feel free to blacklist or w/e you all do.

Fuck this, Fuck that, Fuck you, Fuck those, Fuck them, Fuck Him, Fuck Her, just Fuck the Fucking World... Fuck. Aptly describes the word, and my mood today. I would rather... Do a lot of things, than deal with anything from anyone today, including work. I would like to reiterate my point. Fuck this, Fuck that, Fuck you, Fuck those, Fuck them, Fuck Him, Fuck Her, just Fuck the Fucking World... Fuck. UGH. I seriously have so many things that are pissing me off simultaneously from damn near every aspect of life I just want to stab things. I basically have to work tonight, 100 crates dropped this afternoon. That's a lot.  So fuck various deities right up wherever they're least comfortable because my stomach and head are still twisting and turning. Not to mention a stupid situation has me flaming as well. I just need to realize the order in that totem pole in which Corbeau is encased upon. Now is a stupendous time to reiterate the theme of the post. Fuck this, Fuck that, Fuck you, Fuck those, Fuck them, Fuck Him, Fuck Her, just Fuck the Fucking World... Fuck the Fucking Fuckers. I want to just sleep the next few weeks away, let the world rot without me, lose any merit I have about keeping this seasonal job that I'm in good standing with, and rot in a large hole in the ground... No, fuck that, I want my funeral pyre on land still. Because I'm an asshole.... Little shits here, little shits there. Little shits everywhere. Let me become an egocentric maniacal douchebag everyone hates but tries to be more like, and wants to be around for whatever stupid-ass reason. Fuck... Fuck this, Fuck that, Fuck you, Fuck those, Fuck them, Fuck Him, Fuck Her, just Fuck the Fucking World... Fuck everything, everyone, anyone, and then some, times two, times three, times thirty seven trillion, five hundred forty nine billion, six hundred sixty six million, nine hundred eighty two thousand, seven hundred sixteen. Plus two. I'm talking to like only one extra person, if that, over the course of the next few days because Fuck People. This is unlike me, to continuously overkill one vulgar word, but I don't fucking care. It's the most flexible and resilient 'vulgar' word when it comes to variety, meaning, useability, and it shows how little fucks I give when it comes to needing to explain my fucking self. Abso-fucking-lutely none. No fucks given. No fucks taken. No fucks for having to explain shit. Talk to a twelve inch concrete dildo covered in sea salt and ghostpepper sauce  if you want a reasoning. It's right up your ass I swear. -_- ...

Come the 7,670th day, I must belay my "Yea" to the eternal rhythmic exclamation, for it is in folly. Such acute realization, utter deniability, and improvised whims can only assume such a day is grandiose to one such as I. The actuality, fermented by the years of isolation, strangled by the days that were once better, the self-inflicted futile egoselfishness, not to mention the prolonged exposure to a now long-gone trusted space.

To gain so much, and to lose so much, from the 7,305th day till now... It's a good record... For one such as I. In the past, if dreams are to be believed, they were rarely this long. There was one thing they all had in common before their end of days, and it's one thing I lack. Yet, how can it be a curse when the ending, no matter how it happened, ended calmly and happily, at least in spirit and mind, down to the very fiber? Tranquil, accepting, caring, and loved. Even if it was a single soul, or a single reason. That within those final moments, it wouldn't be forgotten by the one (thing) who mattered most.

364 days have past, only one more before I choose to renew an old choice of mine. Choose... I've renewed it for 2,555 counting today. Should it be renewed there's no worry about the selfishness in me turning to Red. Should it not be? ... Well, guess there's nothing left on this old desecrated table now, is there? The ending could break the cycle of memories of lives past, ending as such. The small sentiment of that self-fulfilling wishes could pass in vain, foolish acts of inexplicable demeanour to boost a well-aware conscious hazard would skyrocket for the lust of Ragnarok. Or, would that be Valhalla? The battle in ones self is greater than any other battle one could face mortally. But, the end, wouldn't be a hero withstanding, but finally, finally, succumbing to the greater evil...

Seven thousand, six hundred, and seventy days... To hold my own, and at some point begging, for this sheer darkness to give me an audience... Yet, it's been held at bay... Maybe.. It'll take another seven thousand... Perhaps it'll casually stroll in, in another six hundred. Maybe, just maybe, it'll be granted to me by another in seventy days...

Maybe.. There will be another point in time where those thoughts of wanting it will never cross the mind again. Maybe, the egoselfishness will place itself onto another bearer.. Who will cast out the murky water, the desperate fortifications, and plunge forth beheading the vile lord, bringing peace to this castle, and kingdom, once more..

I can't put it into words, not yet. What if it's just a fluke or a lonely soul in an act of desperation... But if it's put off too long than it's all for naught... An optimistic thought tangled me the vines of thoughtfullness, and being too damn careful x_X.

From now on all personal rants/crap will be #personal bo1d

in case any followers wish to list it and not be bothered with it

Until what most consider a great day of their life. Here I stand, surrounded by new walls, establishing what I always wanted, working, saving cash, and planning for the future. But, it feels as if this road I made myself take wasn't worth it. To throw so much away, run so far, and hide away from a-many. . .

We all make mistakes, we all act irrationally, but the hard part is fessing up to your mistakes and moving on... Moving on, it's what I've become the best at doing. Yet, here I sit, months after various rash choices, wondering why.

Not even wondering why, I know why. I know exactly why everything happened as it did. Why things went the way they did and why actions happened. I guess it's more of a question as to why I never quickly regained a tether to the situation I created, knowing shortly thereafter what happened, and attempted to fix it.

What I've set out to do in life has begun to start. I have a job, and another planned. I have college being worked out for 2015. I have my own room. I own my own things. I pull my own weight. I no longer feel helpless. I am shaping my own path, with nobodies help. . . But, at what cost to come to this point?

Did it take that bewildered train of thought, irrational behaviour, and lackluster attitude to truly obtain what I wanted? Was it truly worth it? ... I guess, in 17 days, I'll work out an answer for myself.

Stick to your guns, bo1d... "Live life to it's fullest, have no Regrets." You've said it enough, and need to heed your own words.Everything done up until now was meant to happen. The choices of the here and now, are yours to change. For better or worse. Do what is needed. Even when faltered, carry on.