#bloggingsofselfexploration

I'm unsure why sometimes I get an idea in my head, that will bother me to the point of paralysation. I cannot physically get on with my day until I have sat down with these thoughts and they've calmed. 

I used to fight it so bad. It's such a hinderance. I used to wake up in the hope to be productive and when I simply couldn't concentrate, I would beat myself up so bad about it, blaming myself for all its worth.

Since I've started paying more attention and giving more care towards my thoughts, I've stopped this and accepted that these thoughts simply won't go away on their own, so they must have their time.

I don't know what the significance of these thoughts are and why they pop up on random days but all I can do is trust that they are important to my subconcious and pay them attention.

I had a brainwave the other day and it was the best epiphany I've ever had for my self-confidence.

I was pretty down about myself, not feeling attractive, or talented in the slightest. Usually this comes and goes but I can tell that this particular episode was gonna last a while. And the scariest thing is most of the time, all it takes is for me to see a video or picture of myself.

I was reading coming to terms with how the world sees you as I recognised that was what my trigger was. And what stuck with me was both the idea of how we're not used to seeing ourselves except from in the mirror (so recordings weird us out) but also how this isn't how other people see us either. 

Life is complicated. There's no two ways about it.

Had a bit of a shitty week so far so haven't even had a chance to think about this detox. 

Not much to report except I think this may be working.

I feel a lot more relaxed, less pressured, focused on myself. And I'm finally seeing that relationships aren't everything. Hell, they're not even something I'm half as interested in anymore.

As predicted by my friend, this post is written about him. 

Because he helped me open my eyes a LOT last night. He asked why the time limit for this 'dating detox'? It just gives me a chance to overthink. Which yes, it's true, but in my defense, that's the point. I need time to reflect. After chatting with him about my feelings he told me and helped me realise that there's dreams that we have that aren't for right now, they're for the future. 

To be honest, I'm feeling a bit more reserved about my writing now. I feel more embarrassed about sharing my feelings on here. Maybe it's because someone directly spoke to me about what I was writing, helped and advised me and put me in a more vulnerable position. 

But he was so right. 

I've been thinking a lot about approaching dating after my detox. Seems premature, seeing as I'm on Day 1, but essentially, this is the point.

I thought, wow, I feel pretty empowered doing this actually. Maybe I could keep this up and just not go on another date ever. Insist that spending time together as friends is what I'd rather do. This makes sense as it releases the pressure of a date. Date's suggest there has to come a certain point in time where there's an ultimatum: are we boyfriend and girlfriend now? 

At least by never 'dating', or at least calling it that, I can spend limitless time with someone before deciding I want to be in a relationship with them. Letting the feelings come organically with anyone, rather than trialling people to become a boyfriend. I think this is what I've been doing wrong. 

Seems like a good idea, right?

But then I worry about feelings being hurt. What if I say to someone who asks me out on a date that I don't do dates and we should just be friends. That indicates I don't like them back and that they should start getting over me. What if I eventually end up liking them but I miss my chance? 

Well, thinking about it now, either way, it'd have taken me that long to realise I liked them so the way I look at it is, either a rushed relationship that ends or a friendship that could last, who knows?

Things have changed a lot in my 'love life' (bleh) since I broke up with my long term boyfriend of just under 2 and a half years. Particularly the way I view the idea of love and relationships.

Once I wasn't crying every day and got used to the idea of being by myself and remembered the reasons we ended the relationship, I started feeling happy, comfortable, and more positive with myself. I even started messaging a hot boy. I was like 'yeah' this is what I was missing out on before! Already though, alarm bells were ringing in my head, this is too soon. But I didn't wanna pass up this opportunity. But things were rushed because I was going to Australia for a month and they didn't work out. 

For a while, I was getting over this but happy being single. I had a lot on my plate with uni and still dealing with my ex from before. Another guy showed interest and I wasn't exactly not interested in him but I held myself back. And when he asked me out on a date, I reluctantly said yes but realised this was a bad idea so took it back. We're still friends and get on well.

At this point in time, I said to myself I wouldn't settle for anything less than what my heart wants. After I was having alarm bells about the last two guys, I thought to myself, that's my gut telling me no. So the next time I was preparing for a date, I cancelled 2 days before because I had that anxious feeling again. I also said no to another friend and thought it was because I had too much on my plate with uni. So that was that.

I thought I liked a few people for a while but knew I didn't want a relationship so didn't do anything about it. Which was the best situation I was in for a while. 

But then fear washed over me. Was I scared of being in another relationship? Of more intimacy? In a bid to break this, I decided to give more people a chance at a date first before I said no. So I gave out my number to people but it never went anywhere.

Then I ran into an acquaintance and he caught my eye. We both initiated dating and got on really well. I was proud of how casual I was being and I was having fun. But unfortunately, it wasn't what I was looking for. Whether it be him, the timing, the circumstances, I don't know. But a lot just wasn't right and the relief I felt that I'd done the right thing after we mutually decided to split was enough to reassure me. I was happy being single until the right person came along.

Well, damn, me. Why did I have to go and ask for a cute, American guy's number? Because I'm a dreamer, that's why. We hit it off well, so I thought, why not? Can't just sit around and wait for what you want. He took me on a date (well, at least I think it was) and I had the most amazing time. I felt hopeful because he seemed interested in staying in touch and I knew distance wasn't gonna stop me from getting anything I wished.

But after a few days, the situation was already making me anxious. I was over-analysing everything. Thinking and knowing I should go with the flow but really I was forcing it, wishing for hard for us to fall in love because come on, how amazing would that be?

That's when, and with some family and friend's input, I realised that this is my problem. I want to fall in love so bad that I go looking for it and try to make it happen. Granted, you can't sit at home everyday, not meeting anyone and pray some knight in shining armour's gonna turn up on your doorstep. But treating every single guy as a potential soul-mate is causing me a lot of damage.