#bittychowder

“No, Mother,” he says. “Chowder is my friend, I mean look at him, that sweet precious baby fawn of a goalie-”

Suzanne is Not Convinced

“Mhmm,” she replies. “Sure, baby. Sure.” 

but bitty can’t disobey his mother, so he drags the Frogs into the kitchen and introduces them all at once

so dex is like “um ok nice to meet you ma’am” and nursey’s all “sup mrs. b” and then Chowder - sweet Chowder - goes over and hugs her and starts rambling on a mile a minute about how much the team loves bitty and gosh it’s so nice to meet you, mrs. bitty’s mom, thank you for the care packages and oh do you watch hockey what team do you root for my team’s the sharks they’re ‘swawesome hey are you coming to our game tonight i think the coaches are gonna start bitty which is So Great because bitty is So Great of course the entire team is So Great but you know we all just love bitty So Much-!

Suzanne is Very Much Convinced

bitty’s gone bright red and none of the Frogs can figure out why

so i think by this point Ransom & Holster have a running joke about Bitty’s Secret Boyfriend bc, even tho they know, they’re Major Shitheads

(”Who’re you texting, Bits?” “Oh, uh, Jack.” “Pshyeah right, look at that blush. Who are you really texting?” “Oh, my God, I swear I’m just texting Jack.” “Bro, it’s gotta be your secret boyfriend.” “Adam Birkholtz, I swear to Jesus-”)

so R&H are messing around in the kitchen as bitty and his mom make a pre-game pie or something and bitty’s texting with jack about how mortifying his day has been when, of course, it gets worse

“Dude, stop texting your Secret Boyfriend,” Ransom says, giving Bitty a shit-eating grin.

bitty goes super pale. 

normally the joke is just kind of annoying but His Mother is Right Here And

Suzanne perks up.

“What was that?” She asks in that slow, sweet, unassuming way that all middle aged southern ladies use when they smell blood in the water

Bitty knows he’s Fucked

“Oh, hahahaha, just an inside joke, Mama, I’m just texting Jack, these boys and their silly little jokes, tell her it’s a joke, Justin”

so now Suzanne is almost certain Bitty’s hiding a boyfriend from her. she gets it, her mama never knew about half the guys she dated and she never had to Come Out to her mama. but Suzanne is not a saint and privacy doesn’t really exist when it’s your flesh and blood

“So, Adam. Justin. Tell me more about that sweet, little Christopher,” she says. “He’s real cute. Don’t you think so, Dicky?” 

to bitty’s delight, though, R&H go straight into Captains mode

“Oh, yeah, Chow’s a great asset to the team.” “One of the best goalies I’ve ever known.” “Real go-getter attitude.” “Hard worker. Weird fear of pucks, though.” “Still. What a guy.” 

Bullet dodged, crisis averted. Bitty breathes easy for a moment. 

so in this time he’s managed to text Chowder and has asked him to AVOID MAMA BITTLE AT ALL COSTS WHICH

chowder is clearly unable to do

“why????!?? did she not like me?!??? did i say something???!!”

so bitty is trying to calm chowder down and suzanne’s all Sugar Bear Sweetpea Fruit of my Loins WHO ARE YOU TEXTING

and chowder barges into the haus, apologizes a mile a minute for literally Anything he can think of

“I’m sorry for not asking you if you wanted a drink! And I’m sorry for not offering you a tour of the Haus- though I guess Bitty’s already done that- oh! Did I not say it’s nice to meet you?! It’s so nice to meet you!!!” 

and r&h have No Idea what’s happening but they love to Stir the Pot so they’re kinda egging chowder on and Mama B is very, very confused but so happy to see Dicky’s boyfriend is so thoughtful, if not a little...excitable...

So of course this is when the Frogs and Lardo wander in, drawn to sounds of a panicked Chowder

now bitty is on the edge of hysterics, trying to calm chowder down, trying to tell his mother that he’s Not dating chowder without saying those exact words, trying to text jack because who Else would be text while losing his shit??

and then she says it

suzanne just fucking says it

“oh, gosh, honey, i don’t know what you’re apologizin for, but it’s nice to know how polite my dicky’s boyfriend is.”

the silence in the kitchen is heavy with pent-up shock and laughter.

now. chowder can be naive, but he’s a smart cookie. it takes him those few, awkward moments, but he manages to put a couple things together - why bitty wanted him away from Mrs. B, why bitty was acting so weird, why suzanne was being so friendly

so chowder, bless his tender lil heart, plays along

“oh! uh!! well, i just want! to impress my...boyfriend?! my boyfriend’s mom!!”

dex and nursey are beyond confused; lardo has to leave the room so she can laugh

this is Not What Bitty Wanted, however

and then

enter Jack Zimmermann

bitty is just about ready to curl up in a corner and die of Shame

so Suzanne does her whole heart-eyes Jack Zimmermann routine, asking after his father and yadda yadda

but jack definitely heard everything with chowder. and as jealous as he is, it was also hilarious. 

and we all know jack l zimmermann is kind of a little shit

“so I see you’ve met bitty’s boyfriend” he says in his best monotone

(now ransom has to leave because he’s about to wet himself holding back laughter)

“oh, yes, jack, i’ve finally gotten dicky to introduce me, you’d think he didn’t want me to meet sweet christopher”

bitty’s done. he’s leaving samwell immediately. already has a new name picked out for himself, is gonna hitchhike west and dye his hair brown and never speak to anyone east of albuquerque again

“oh, i can’t believe he’s being shy about chowder,” jack says, knowing that he’s probably getting himself into Trouble but plowing forward regardless. “they’ve been together almost a year now”

“WHAT.” is the reaction that comes from three different people in three very different inflections 

(now dex and nursey are taking bets; holster is recording the whole thing to send to shitty; ransom and lardo are watching from the hallway)

“oh, yeah,” jack continues on, with what is probably his Funniest and Most Terrible joke ever. “after they both got dumped by their dates at Winter Screw. right, Bittle?” 

bitty has his face buried in his hands. chowder is Beyond Confused as to why jack’s taking it this far. 

suzanne is THRILLED

so Jack is weaving this long, ridiculous story of the Epic BittyChowder romance that never was and chowder’s starting to feel uncomfortable about the way suzanne is staring at him and bitty is going to Murder his boyfriend if the mortification doesn’t kill him first

“...which is why I’m here today. to fight for bitty’s hand.”

yup. jack 110% zimmermann Goes There. 

“you’re in love with my dicky too??” “do i....do i really have to fight jack??!”

and bitty sees the look in jack’s eyes, the imperceptible nod, and the dam finally bursts: “mother, i’m not dating chowder. and i never wanted you to think i was, but chris was just trying to help me out.” 

and suzanne’s face falls and chowder sort of awkwardly...runs away...to stand in the hall with lardo and ransom

“but then why is jack here?” suzanne asks,

and jack wraps his arm around bitty’s shoulder, smiling down at bitty, and bitty finally gets to say to his mama, “because he’s my boyfriend, mother.” 

suzanne Freaks Out and cries a little and calls bob. in that order. 

but before all of that she hugs them both tight and refuses to let go. 

and jack’s busy as ever, off being Professional and Serious, and while bitty is used to the LDR thing, it’s not like it gets easier

so it’s in the middle of the season, jack’s off for weeks at a time, farmer’s off in a vastly different time zone, bitty is FREAKING OUT about his post-grad plans slash taking the team to the Frozen Four again, and chowder has started talking with scouts about going to camps this summer

essentially, the boys are Fucking Stressed Out

surprisingly, it’s Dex who tells them they need to chill the fuck out and invites them to smoke on the roof with him and nursey

(he’s not…..tactful about it….at All)

nursey’s all “bro u didn’t have to tell bitty he looks like a serial killer what if he IS” but passes the joint pretty enthusiastically 

and then…..something magical happens

bitty isn’t a physical person. he’s handsy with his Hot Piece BF and he lets ransom and holster manhandle him because he trusts them, but bitty has literally never even bumped into Dex or Nursey off of the ice THAT’S how careful he is with initiating physical contact with Str8 Boys

even drunk, bitty’s survival instincts tend to kick in when Jocks are nigh

STONED BITTY HOWEVER

STONED BITTY GIGGLES FOR TWENTY STRAIGHT MINUTES AT THE FACT THAT NURSEY’S CARDIGAN IS MISBUTTONED, THEN ROLLS OVER AND FLOPS STRAIGHT ON TOP OF CHRISTOPHER FRANKLIN CHOW

and CHOWDER, sweet, sweet tender goal tender, CHOWDER REACTS TO IT LIKE A PLANT TO STIMULI

BY WHICH I MEAN HE WRAPS ALL OF HIS LONG ASS GANGLY LIMBS AROUND BITTY AND JUST HOLDS ON

they’re both pretty touch-starved at this point in the semester, and stressed out, and lonely. nursey and dex can’t even find the heart to chirp them too mercilessly, even when bitty falls asleep and chowder keeps chatting his ear off, arms and legs squishing them tightly together in an adorable cuddle pile

(they do, however, send about a thousand snaps to the team. jack saves ALL OF THEM.)

(jack, a man who does not blink at the duckling pictures lardo sends him, thinks these snapchats are the MOTHERFUCKING CUTEST THING HE’S EVER MOTHERFUCKING SEEN IN HIS LIFE.)

(he keeps showing them to his friends – “look at my boyfriend and our son mutual friend this picture has cured cancer and world hunger”)

and like bitty is p mortified in the morning and chowder’s a little embarrassed and they don’t talk about it but

it keeps happening

they only smoke with dex and nursey once or twice more, but somehow?? they keep?? cuddling together???

like bitty harps on chowder for napping on the Green Couch and that somehow turns into them napping on the armchair together instead??

someone barfs in chowder’s bed during a kegster and so he just crashes with bitty?? 

haus movie nights and bitty refuses to touch the couch? in chowder’s lap is totally fine. watching tape and the seats are full? chowder just plops down on bitty. heat goes out in the haus?? they build a blanket fort and ban the Northerners who choose to live in a place where the cold makes your skin hurt. 

some of the frogs get really confused when bitty mentions his Boyfriend. why can’t he just say Chowder?? is it supposed to be a secret?? 

Ford even starts having bitty room with chowder on roadies so he can snuggle the Crap outta everyone’s favorite goalie after a loss. (chowder loves to be the little spoon)

and people just sort of Don’t Mention It until it’s suddenly May and bitty’s graduating and moving to providence and everyone’s bummed, especially chowder, because he and bits have gotten SO CLOSE this year and providence is SO FAR (lol)

so they’re snuggling the SHIT out of each other like a week before graduation, possibly a little drunk because, hey, it’s Senior Week and finals are over

and suddenly, standing in Chowder’s doorway, is Caitlin Farmer

WHO GOT BACK EARLY FROM BEING ABROAD AND DECIDED TO DETOUR BY WAY OF SAMWELL TO SURPRISE HER BF

she honestly melts a little and just watches the boys for like a full moment before making her presence known

her BFs fucking adorable and the guy he’s snuggling basically a human corgi and she honestly just wants to flop down on top of them and join in but they’re clearly having a Moment

chowder might cry a little when he sees her. he definitely screams and does a cute little dance. 

(bitty totes cries, too, because he’s emotionally overwhelmed and loves seeing his BFF happy)

i really didn’t have a plot or anything for this headcanon i just love my snuggle bros

when chowder comes down for games with the Squad he just snuggles the shit out of Bitty the entire time (lol jack who?? bitty is his fave)

After the first three bites he slid off Bitty’s bed onto the floor so that he understood gravity and its effects a little better.  Naturally the pie falls apart before he finishes eating it, so he ends up licking the wreckage off his hands before he crawls back onto the bed to flop down on his back.  Bitty’s not doing homework; he’s planning out menus and recipes.

“I’m so excited to be at Samwell,” Chowder babbled, “but I’m nervous too. Ransom said these girls yesterday were definitely flirting with us but I couldn’t tell at all and it’d be nice to find someone to hold hands with and kiss but if you find someone, won’t they definitely want to have sex?”  He rolled his head over to look at Bitty.  “I’m not sure I want to have sex.  It just doesn’t sound very nice.  But what if everyone does?  Isn’t college all about hooking up all the time?”

It made Bitty reach down to ruffle Chowder’s hair.  “Oh, honey.  Not everyone is having sex all the time.  You will definitely find someone to hold hands and smooch with.”

“But how do you know, Bitty?  Like, how do you know?  Did you find somebody?”

“Yes, I have kissed people at Samwell.  And not even had sex with any of them, so you do not need to worry.  That’s perfectly normal.”

“Oh.”  Chowder digested this, then looked at Bitty again.  “But did you want to have sex with them?”

Chowder and his questions made Bitty’s eye want to twitch sometimes.  “Well, some of them.  But I figure I’ll find somebody eventually.”

“Oh,” Chowder said sadly.  “I’d totally smooch you. You deserve it.  You baked me so much pie.”

Bitty leaned over.  Chowder’s eyes went very wide and a little panicked, and then crossed as he tried to figure out what was going on.  Bitty kissed the tip of his nose.  “Thank you, precious,” he said.

“Can I kiss you, Bitty?” Chowder blurted out.  “I just, I don’t mean... I just kind of want to.”

A blush bloomed across Bitty’s cheeks as he looked down, fidgeting with his notebook.  “Okay,” he said.

Chowder squirmed around onto his stomach, then scrambled up to sit on the bed.  He and Bitty nervously avoided eye contact in different directions while Chowder leaned in, supporting himself with one hand against the wall.  He kissed Bitty shyly, twice, and then once not so shyly at all; once like a soft curving handshake, like lips having something to say to each other, like heads in a dance.  “That was nice,” he said.

“Yeah,” Bitty said, blushing even harder.  “It was.”

“I like kissing,” Chowder said.  “I like kissing you.  I hope you find someone to kiss you all the time.”

“Yeah,” Bitty said, looking Chowder in the eye and smiling, soft and heartfelt.  “You too.  Somebody’s who okay with what you want.”

Chowder gave him another peck on the lips, as though to say, yes!!!, and then flopped down on the bed again, his head resting next to Bitty’s knee.