#being bpd

Today was so exhausting and rough. I cried. A lot. I had to safety plan this afternoon because the therapist was concerned. With everything that is happening right now, why would I want to live? One thing that I can say is that I have been very honest this go around. I really cried a lot today. I also found out that the group of patients that I am in is classified as more intensive, which made me feel even more sad. My head really hurts from crying so much. 

I saw the psychiatrist today but it was not Dr. R because he was out today but I will see him on Monday. The psychiatrist I saw today had almost the same name as P and that was really very strange. We were having a very serious conversation where I told her that I have not been taking the full dose of medicine lately because I have sort of just given up now that I have lost everything and everyone. Then we talked about something serious (me running away from T) and then I was crying and then I started laughing and she said “You ran away? You physically ran away from her?” and she giggled and I laughed and said “yes” and she laughed harder and said (in her accent) “You are laughing. So hard. Why are you laughing?” And I said “because you are laughing.” Then we both laughed really hard and then I started crying again. I talked to her about the bad things and I was very honest. I also told her what my therapist of five years said about the six week thing (”stop seeing me six weeks before you kill yourself so I am not implicated. Do you know what that would do to my career?” She stopped in the middle of writing a sentence and said “What?” Then she said “A therapist said this to you?” I said yes. Then we talked more about the bad things and she said “Do you believe in God?” I said yes, then I told her about Jesus that I keep with me at all times. She wrote that down. Why did she write that down? I have been trying to figure that out all day. Then she asked more about the therapist who said that and she said “I hope she would not say that” and I said “No, she really did” and she said “I believe you but I just mean I hope a therapist would not say that.” She said I will see Dr. R on Monday. 

The main therapist got in contact with P today and they are going to collaborate with Dr. R, which is good. 

We had process group again (every day) and that was very exhausting. I am not sure how to read the therapist. I am having a hard time reading her tone and I cannot have my phone while I am there so I cannot use the website that interprets tone. I started crying and I told her that I cannot figure her out. I wrote down that I have a hard time communicating and these are not the kind of people who will give hugs or sit in the floor with me so that is hard because two therapists called me out during combined group today and asked what I would like to say. 

All I have done is cry. 

The main therapist said today that we just have to think about today and tomorrow because I have to check in with the therapist tomorrow when I get there. Then she said we will safety plan for Sunday and get to Monday when I see Dr. R and the main therapist again. Tomorrow I will see the weekend therapist. 

I am so exhausted. 

There was a lady in group who hates Dr. R. It was her first time seeing him yesterday and sometimes it takes a while to get used to him but I really like him and I almost never trust male psychiatrists but he is great. 

I have a really hard time when people are not warm and fuzzy because I read that as they hate me. 

I had a hard time today but I was honest and that is what matters, although I think the therapist did not think I was honest with P about meds because she told her what I told P’s clone about the meds. 

P’s clone asked me today “Do you want to go inpatient? Do you think you need full inpatient right now? Because you are having a hard time and you are not doing well right now with the medicine.” I said NO. Obviously. 

I just realized something. What if Dr. R puts me full inpatient? I will cry. I am not going full inpatient. I am not doing it. It really feels much later than it actually is. I am so tired. I just want to sleep.