#sam2.0

Won't let me go back to bed

I'm sitting at my computer it's 8:52. I am miserable. I have been for many many years. I have just been through a breakup about a week ago. It was very strenuous and hard, especially hard on me. My heart was broken and I did what seems to be the norm now.. I ate all of my feelings. I ate whatever whenever I wanted to and I got too full and I again sit here and I hate myself. I can't help but believe that part of the reason I have such problems maintaining a healthy relationship is because of my weight. It hinders me, my self confidence, my love liffe and my self esteem.. But even all that aside, I can't expect someone to be attracted to me for long before my weight becomes an embarassing issue in one way or another. I don't feel beautiful anymore. I used to... I was looking at old pictures of myself, when I feel like I had some self confidence. I was shocked. I am shocked. I can't even recognize my own face anymore. All of my clothes are uncomfortable and tight. Everything stretches and pulls the wrong way. No matter what I do I feel like I look unflattering. In my old pictures I know I was still overweight, but even those pictures look like a more attractive version of myself that I have become a far cry from. Tonight I'm making a change. I am going to change who I am and how I live. I can't be this miserable and ashamed of my body anymore. Three days ago I quit smoking. Cold turkey, I am 30 years old. I began smoking when I was 16. This has been a big problem for me as well. I find it's hardest when I am at work or stressed out but I need to do this if I'm ever going to change anything else about my body. I must be able to breathe. I am going to keep this blog up to document my journey, the hard days the good days and everything in between. My wish is to someday revisit this journal and remember just how low I was when I started and push myself more and more each day to become a happy healthier more confident person. The person I knew I could be. The person I idealize in my mind. This is the start.. Everyone must start somewhere. Why not here. I'm going to post some pictures that I saw that pretty much make me feel bad about myself now. They're not flattering, but that's the point. I need to stop seeing myself the way I want to and start really accepting that I need to change myself.