#self-evaluation

Any advice? Tips? Rec's on what to include/exclude? Input from Bitch Nation? Googling isn't proving helpful, so I feel like I'm going in blind, and the coworkers I'd be willing to ask are in different roles so I can't really borrow from their old ones.

We got you, baby!

Consider your self-evaluation for your performance review as your time to brag, guilt-free. Pretend to be your own hype man! Talk about how fucking awesome you are, all the shit you've accomplished! Even if what you've accomplished is "mastered X skill" and "completed Y project." You want to show that you have done the job, and if you can, that you've done it WELL.

If it's easier, put that shit in bullet lists under the categories of "skills mastered," "projects completed," "productivity increased," "revenue increased," stuff like that.

Oh, and end the meeting by asking for a fuckin raise. You deserve it.

Hope that helps, kitten. We're rooting for you!

My Secret Weapon for Preparing for Awkward Boss Confrontations 

Personally, I love making and drawing expressive characters, but recently - while I was giving a friend some past Min artwork for character reference - I realised that a lot of my unused sketches of her showed far more personality/expressiveness than any recent depictions of her in “completed” (polished) artwork:

Of course, a lack of expressiveness can be utilised as a form of characterisation in-and-of itself, but I never intended Min to be this watered down. My recent work showcases a failure to utilise visual scenarios as opportunities to express my characters’ intended personalities (plus - let’s be honest - it is faaar less interesting/exciting to look at).

Somehow, despite my exhaustive description of events that led to the circumstances I had presented with, the psychiatrist managed to overlook CEN and C-PTSD. 

You see, as a fellow woman who happened to be experiencing mood swings, it must be that I had a personality disorder rather than... Oh, I don’t know, let me explore a little more so I can get a clearer idea of these complex issues you’ve presented with. Nope, just straight diagnosis. But ykno, it’s the NHS, you get what you pay for I suppose.

So, I want this shit off my record.

1. I spent far too long relating to content which, yes I did relate to to some extent BUT a lot of which was rooted in very different and easily explicable reasons such as:

2. Presenting as an intelligent young working woman who was well kempt and self-aware, it was never for a moment considered that there may be any other element at hand like, say, oh, I don’t know - a neurodevelopmental “disorder”

3. The overwhelming number of therapists I saw who failed to ever pick up on: - a) My significant (to a point of damn near defiant) lack of eye contact - b) The CONSTANT stimming (not to mention that I even attended many appointments with fidget toys before I even considered that I was autistic or knew I was stimming) - c) The constant lateness to EVERYTHING, the missed appointments, the “I forgots” the I never seem to get anything done - d) SERIOUSLY THE FUGGEN STIMMING - e) [in relation to b & d] The exaggerated use of hand gestures whilst speaking and the many “odd” positions I would find myself sitting in - f) The difficulty in finishing a coherent thought without trailing off and the “less than common” word choices I employed as well as somewhat strange manner in which I speak - g) The varying speeds/volumes/tones/and LITERAL FUCKING accents that would slip out during speech - h) The clear display that I was looking at and taking in everything LITERALLY EVERYTHING in the room All of which was actually clearly indicative of likely neurodivergence and, in actuality, were displays of the functions of ADHD and [entirely likely damn near definite] autism I ACTUALLY have

4. It was easier to sum up as young woman + abuse + mood swings = personality disorder BECAUSE AUTISM AND ADHD IS FOR THE MALES

5. The BPD diagnosis impacted a significant familial matter which could have been avoided had I been adequately assessed. 

6. I have to KNOW what I am experiencing in order to request assessment and diagnosis pretty much exists in relation to the scope of my initial theories, ergo: thought I had bi-polar - got diagnosed BPD.

7. Autistic women and those with ADHD are FREQUENTLY misdiagnosed as borderline or bi-polar (so seriously FIGURE IT OUT how could they not think to consider that

8. My academic excellence and advanced mental age/maturity + lack of personal relationships and intense interests were a clear indication that I was not of the “average” neurotypical type mind you would expect to see presenting with a personality disorder. It should not have been assessed as such. This was NEVER taken into consideration.

All in all, I am uncomfortable with my current diagnoses and what it had led to. I spent a lot of time relating to content and people within the BPD community (nothing against that or them) BUT when you relate to a BEHAVIOUR or FEELING and you have ALSO experienced similar abuse/neglect as is typical of that community, it results in coming to the INCORRECT conclusions about WHY you are experiencing and responding to life as you are. Read: Impulse behaviour rooted in “avoidance of negative feelings and seeking positive outcomes” seeming like it fit my individual case when in actuality - Impulse behaviour as a result of adHd [the Hyperactivity in particular] resulting in an “antsy” state which is sated in the impulse decision to LOOK AT PRETTY THINGS and COLLECT THEM ALL (throw in a dash of Autistic special interest in apparel, put two and two together and Bob’s your fucking uncle wouldyalookatthat!) Read: Self-harm as a means of punishment or gratification - actuality: as a reaction to sensory overload and a means of counteracting painful stimuli. Read: Intense anger, emotional outbursts - actuality: sensory overload, meltdown; ADHD rage attacks/irritability Read: Dissociation as a result of escaping feelings - actuality: catatonia due to sensory overload Read: Instability/mood swings - Actuality: Autistic sensory overload; ADHD hyperactivity - impulsive component, under stimulation = increased irritability = mood swings

I could go on.

Anyway. I have a real uncomfortable association to BPD. and, if I am entirely honest, I feel that - though I did learn a lot in my journey of trying to manage what I believed was BPD - I also caused myself some harm along the way. Believing the way my brain is hardwired was something that I could retrain and, even more harmful in nature, rejecting certain aspects of myself that I actually should have been learning to accept as part of my brain function and embracing in order to learn how to navigate life WITH these components rather than forcefully controlling them in a bid to bend them into some factory style notion of “ideal” that I was intended to strive towards in order to consider myself “recovered”.

My entire approach to self, to healing, and to understanding has changed. Developed beyond belief. As a result of finally understanding that the intensity of the emotions I feel, the hyperfocus, the stimming, the ways in which I connect (or fail to connect) with people, the impulsivity, the meltdowns 

- all understood and being managed in a way that it’s worlds away from the BPD experience. 

And most significantly of all 

Learning that the extreme emotions I feel are with me for Life. Accepting that I will always be subject to experiencing sensory overload and that there are ways to manage it that don’t involve trying to rationalise thoughts and feelings but rather recognising the elements that have caused the overload to prepare for or avoid them in future, as well as attending to the need in the moment. 

It’s an entirely different understanding of self. And I spent the better part of five years on the wrong path. All coz I was given a label with no consideration as to what else may be at play. 

All of life's progress [every single instance] is filled with wrong paths, missed opportunities, mistakes and failures. Each of which will be and have at times; minor set-backs, monumentally devastating and negatively reversing. What creates eventual success, isn’t avoiding any of these failures, it’s the ability to recover from their sheer debilitating affects of these negative energies.

Clear, brutally honest and reflective thinking allows you to spend less time on dead ends and more energy towards deciding the correct path.

This is probably not the best place to ask, since I’m not always careful when I write here and end up making a lot of mistakes, but I didn’t know anywhere else I could get an opinion from native speakers...