#batfam text posts

Dick: [Holding a bag of premium dog treats, hyperventilating] Okay. Okay, nobody panic. The League is here. We can fix this. Jason, pass me the WayneTech industrial grade epoxy... wait, no, pass me the fancy lint roller. Bruce can’t see the fur on Clark’s cape!

Jason: [Leaning against a display case, smirking] Relax, Dickie. Clark’s been vibrating with excitement since he hit the atmosphere. I think he’s more scared of Bruce than the dog is.

Clark (Superman): [Floating three inches off the ground, eyes glowing slightly with X-ray vision] Bruce, he’s remarkable. His heart rate is steady, and he has a very high bone density for a terrier. Can I... is it safe to approach the specimen?

Bruce: [Sitting at the Bat-Computer, cowl on, voice like gravel] It is not a "specimen," Clark. It is a security breach. And no, you cannot "pet" the security breach.

Diana (Wonder Woman): [Walking forward with grace, kneeling before the dog] Hush, Bruce. The creature has the eyes of a hunter who has seen many winters. [She extends a hand] Come, little warrior. Tell me of your conquests.

Goliath: [Looks at the literal Goddess of War, sniffs her hand, and immediately rolls over to show his belly.]

Damian: [Crossing his arms, looking proud] See? Even the Princess of Themyscira recognizes his noble spirit. He does not submit to many, Diana. You should be honored.

Barry (Flash): [Suddenly appearing next to the dog in a blur, then appearing on the other side] Oh man, he’s so cute! I brought him a chew toy from a pet shop in Central City—it’s supposed to be indestructible. [He hands Goliath a rubber pizza slice.]

Goliath: [Takes the toy and immediately shreds it into three pieces in 0.5 seconds.]

Barry: ...Okay, maybe not that indestructible.

Tim: [Watching the monitors, drinking his fourth coffee] Guys, we have a problem. Hal Jordan is hovering outside the waterfall and he’s asking over the comms if the dog is "Green Lantern material."

Bruce: [Slamming his hand on the desk] NO ONE is giving the dog a power ring!

Clark: [Carefully patting Goliath’s head with one finger, looking like he’s about to cry] He’s so soft, Bruce. Why didn’t you tell us you were expanding the team? I could have brought Krypto over for a playdate.

Jason: [Snickering] Yeah, Bruce. Why didn't you invite the Super-Dog to the top-secret murder-basement?

Dick: [Frantically trying to brush dog hair off Diana’s armor] Bruce is just worried that Goliath is going to become the favorite Robin. Which, let’s be honest, he already is.

Bruce: [Turns around slowly, looking at the most powerful beings on Earth currently huddled around a mutt on the floor] ...I am going on patrol. If that dog is on my chair when I get back, I’m changing the cave’s encryption codes.

Goliath: [Barks at Bruce, then licks Clark’s nose.]

Clark: [Beaming] He likes me! Bruce, he definitely likes me!

Bruce: dick I swear to god, if you stole my last chocolate bar I will throw you out the window

Dick: *eating the chocolate bar* I dare you

Bruce: *running after Dick through the house*

Tim: NO HE'S YOUR SON WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS

Bruce: you GREATLY misunderstand, *stops his running* Dick is my chum.

Tim: yeah because he's your son.

Bruce: no, he's like my little brother or something

Tim: what.

Bruce: why do you think we tease each other and did so many drug busts and fought dangerous criminals together???

Tim: NO I thought you did that with all the kids!

Bruce: Dick isn't my kid though, he's like my asshole younger brother I was literally 20 when I met him and adopted him.

Tim: no

Dick who just came around the corner to see what was happening and saw bruce and Tim arguing holding the chocolate bar in his mouth

Dick: no way, you didn't know??

Tim: KNOW WHAT??

Dick: *slings his arms over bruce* this asshole is my stupid older brother. also no, I regret nothing that chocolate bar was good.

Tim: *in shock*

Bruce: I swear to fuck one of these days I'll finally have a whole chocolate bar... ugh.

Tim: no I do not believe this *hands cover his ears* la la la la la

Bruce and dick: *laugh their asses off*

Dick: if bruce said "no Damian your not allowed to bust the the dog fighting ring" lemme tell you I will take you there.

Damian: Grayson why?

Dick: he stole my last fucking piece of Alfreds cake, it was MINE I had MY NAME on IT. *seething*

Damian: why do you and father always bicker like Me and Tim?

Dick: you do know we've known each other for like most of our lives right? he's not really "my dad" my dad is my dad, he's more like my older gritty brother.

Damian: really? I don't believe you.

Dick: okay so one time I stole one of his watches after he wouldn't play with me. asshole behaviour~ anyway, so I told Alfie and bruce was WHINING "Alfie he stole my watch" "master bruce I will not make dinner if you continue" "he stole my watch" and he makes the saddest face in the whole world. and I'm just winning, I won. Alfred told bruce to play with me and he did. it was so fun.

Damian: what..

Dick: [Holding the mangled remains of the cowl, hyperventilating] Okay. Okay, nobody panic. We can fix this. Jason, pass me the WayneTech industrial grade epoxy and... I don't know, some black Sharpie?

Jason: [Sitting on a crate, watching the dog with genuine respect] Can’t do it, Dickie. I’m busy watching "Sir Bites-a-Lot" here dismantle the Bat-signal’s backup lens. It’s the most productive thing anyone’s done in this cave all week.

Tim: [Frantically typing on a tablet, trying to loop the security cameras] Dick, epoxy won't hide a heartbeat. I’m trying to ghost the thermal sensors, but if Bruce checks the "Life Signs" biometric sweep, he’s going to see a 15-pound anomaly moving at ten miles per hour toward his favorite chair.

Damian: [Crouched on the floor, feeding the dog a piece of high-end, organic jerky he definitely stole from Alfred’s private stash] Silence, Drake. Do not insult the creature. He is a survivor of the Gotham Narrows. He has the soul of a gladiator. I have named him Goliath the Unconquered.

Dick: [Voice hitting a frantic soprano] Damian, he’s not "unconquered," he’s a stray! And Bruce specifically said "No more animals" after the Bat-Cow incident! If he sees what Goliath did to the tactical gear, he’s going to exile us all to Blüdhaven for the winter!

Jason: [Snickering] Look at the bright side. The cowl looks more "intimidating" with the bite marks. Gives Bruce that "I just fought a werewolf" vibe.

Tim: [Eyes widening as his tablet beeps red] Panic now. The elevator just engaged. Bruce is coming down. He’s already past the DNA-scanner. We have thirty seconds.

Dick: [Total chaos mode] Hide him! Jason, put him in your leather jacket! Tim, use the stealth-shroud! Damian, stop teaching him how to "attack the rich" and actually HIDЕ him!

Damian: [Standing up defiantly, holding the tiny, vibrating dog like a holy relic] I will not hide a warrior in a garment, Grayson! We shall stand our ground! Father cannot deny the tactical advantage of a distraction-class canine!

Jason: [Hopping off the crate] Yeah, no. I’m out. I’m going to go stand by the weapon rack and pretend I’m cleaning a Batarang so I don’t get hit by the "Dad Glare."

Tim: [Throwing a heavy shadows-cloak over Damian and the dog] Just... stay still! Maybe he’ll think you’re a weirdly shaped equipment crate!

[The elevator dings. Bruce walks out, looking exhausted, rubbing the bridge of his nose.]

Bruce: [Stopping mid-step, sniffing the air] ...Why does the cave smell like wet fur and expensive jerky?

Dick: [Leaning conspicuously over the chewed cowl] Hey, Bruce! You’re... you’re home! Early! We were just... discussing... the structural integrity of Kevlar! It’s very... chewable? I mean, durable!

Bruce: [Narrowing his eyes, looking at the "crate" that is currently growling and wagging a tail under a cloak] Damian.

Damian: [Muffled, from under the cloak] I am a crate, Father. Move along.

Goliath: [Barks loudly, emerges from the cloak, and immediately runs to Bruce to pee on his boots.]

Bruce: paul is fine

Jean-Paul: the cult programming is literally ruining my life

Bruce: he just needs to suck it up he’s fine Tim

Jean-Paul: I literally can barely stop myself from killing people. I have literal cult assassin programming.

Bruce: he’s fine look at him

Jean-paul: please I am begging you take over being Batman again please

Bruce: look he’s fine Tim, he’s been fine the whole time your just being a dick.

Tim: Bruce, I’d argue with you but you’re an idiot and I cannot stand to see you eat your words. Anyway I’m going to make sure the riddler doesn’t do something stupid see you later ✌️

Later

Jean-paul: *kills a guy as Batman*

Bruce: *surprised pikachu face*

Batman: *looks side to side* clark what?

Superman: you have a polymer dissolving on one corner and it’s causing a chain reaction on your suit

Batman’s suit is about to fall off from directly in the middle as a small line is growing and dissolving leading the 2 halves of the suit to detach

Batman: I KNEW IT, also how did you know that?

Superman: I can telescope my vision into microscopic vision, super useful.

Batman: *think thoughtfully how this makes him an extremely useful partner for crime fighting* how good is it

Superman: oh I can see microbes and viruses and stuff. It’s kinda only useful when I focus and whatever but yeah it’s pretty useful.

Batman: *thinking* portable crime lab hn. Portable crime lab yes.

Superman: *waves his hand in front of batman* wakey wakey!

Batman: you are so incredibly useful wow, I understand why Lex wants to have your babies now

Superman: *sputters in shock* BATMAN WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT!

Bruce: did I ever tell you guys I have all my certifications in forensic criminology?

Jason: wait for real?

Bruce: I actually have 78 PhD's they are all in the up the stairs study on the wall actually.

Jason: I know you went on a magical journey across the lands, but no I don't believe you.

Bruce: *pulls Jason by the arm to the up the stairs study*

Jason: no way

Bruce: YEAH I got all my certifications *smiles proudly*

Jason: how is it that you have so many cert's you literally were only gone like 7 years for training right?

Bruce: I actually got my criminology degree at age 15, and my forensic science degree at 13

Jason: WHAT

Bruce: it's in my actual name too and not John smith

Jason: really? did you do an internship or something because don't you need to for that stuff?

bruce: I worked briefly at the GCPD, Jim actually vouched for me of all things.

Jason: so the whole 7 year around the world trip.. wasn't originally the goal?

Bruce: oh fuck no, I was going to become a detective then I realised I actually hate the corruption I was like 15. and just gave up on the GCPD, then I went around the world on a journey to become the best.

Jason: wait there is Teen bruce photos out there of you doing forensics????

Bruce: oh yeah of course!