#eyeglassbudgets

Oh girl - this movie! I was very scared going into this experience - fearing that it would be a repeat of the piece of garbage from hell that is Bohemian Rhapsody. It ended up being much more like a slightly less homosexual version of Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again? Honestly, I have not enjoyed a gay trash fire like this since The Cher Show and hope the producers of that bring this to the Broadway stage immediately. But what about the wigs? Let’s discuss.

We begin in...the 80s? Unclear. Time and timelines do not matter in this movie and that is fine. Regardless, we begin with this phoenix lewk as Sir Elton barges in on....rehab and starts to relay his story. SURE? 

We are immediately transported back to 1950s suburban England where a cherubic child version of Elton starts singing and everyone on the street starts dancing and I understand 3 things: Elton’s songs are not going to be sequential, this is fully an actual MUSICAL which it wasn’t really billed as, and there is absolutely nothing more gloriously queer than a small child singing “The Bitch is Back” on the streets of ‘50s England.

AND THEN ELTON’S MOM. Played inexplicably by Bryce Dallas Howard in a cast off wig from The Help and a cast off accent from [insert American actor doing an ok English accent movie] , Elton’s (or should I say REGGIE’S!) mom is truly the kitchen sink of 50s English housewife stereotypes. Loud, demanding, philandering, and somehow warm and supportive (j/k not really!), this is the childhood horror Elton must confront (also: his MONSTER of a father, obviously). Oh and his sweet nan is played by Gemma Jones (aka the mom in Bridget Jones and Sense and Sensibility aka CORRECT). 

We are rushed through Elton’s sad childhood with his only escape being a piano phenom at the Royal Academy of Music which he abandons to be a pub piano player in the style of Elvis Presley. AND THEN TARON EGERTON takes over as Elton literally exploding into a choreographed carnival rendition of “Saturday Night’s Alright (For Fighting)” and truly WHAT ON EARTH IS THIS MOVIE MAYBE I LOVE IT. Except for the wig, which like all male wigs juts out in the back and is very distracting. Also: they decided to recreate Elton’s famous tooth gap with - I shit you not - blackout paint that kids buy to be a pirate for Halloween. YES REALLY.

It is then suddenly the late 60s and Elton is in a pub band that does back up gigs for American touring R&B bands and Elton tries to get a record contract in this neckerchief which is really quite lovely. He suddenly has a really shaggy tumbleweave of a wig and is paired with lyricist Bernie Taupin as played by Billy Elliot (yes, that is his name forever and always) and they immediately become BROTHERS. They say this a lot which is very in keeping with Bohemian Rhapsody but not as annoying. 

Billy Elliot’s wig is a bit better than Elton’s but it’s still a mess. Anyway, the dudes have no money and have to move back in with Elton’s mom though weirdly Elton has plenty of money for all the different prescription glasses in the world but again: this is not the movie for logic! Anyway, he writes “Your Song” and gets swept up in STARDOM, Y’ALL. 

Elton and Billy Elliot are immediately transported to Los Angeles for Elton to headline the Troubadour. Enter: Tate Donovan doing the best impersonation of that Californians SNL sketch and a new shaggy wig and glasses for Elton. Ok? All of Elton’s wigs at this point are very bent and upsetting and I get what they were going for but they’re still not good. 

At the after party, Billy Elliot abandons Elton to go have sex in a teepee in the backyard of Mama Cass’s house (yes, really?) and Elton is left to wander through the yard singing “Tiny Dancer”. It should be noted that Zaddy Taron has a very nice singing voice and should get any and all accolades bestowed on Rami Malek. It honestly baffles me why this movie was released in the summer and not next fall since it is about 50000 times better than Bohemian Rhapsody. Anyway, then Elton meets RICHARD MADDEN AKA ROBB STARK. Straight up: he is wearing the same wig as Bryce Dallas Howard!! And they are both the villains of Elton’s life/this movie. Coincidence? I THINK NOT. For now, though, Robb Stark is NOT the villain and is just a nice piece for Elton to have gay sex with and GREAT.

Elton’s star rises (as does his glasses budget!) and whilst in the recording studio with DAME KIKI DEE (in a very accurate wig), Robb Stark shows up again. The fact that Elton is literally recording “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” is clearly no coincidence because clearly: THIS DUDE IS GONNA BREAK IT GURL.

I cannot put too fine a point on the fact that this wig is the exact same wig that Bryce Dallas Howard is wearing. 

Was this a conscious thematic decision since they are both villains or just a budgetary device? I DEMAND ANSWERS.

Anyway, Elton and Robb’s lurve is shown through a fabulously homosexual kimono buying montage set to “Honky Cat” and truly: I want this to be on Broadway, please. Also Robb gets a haircut so I guess my wig theories might go out the window at this point (OR WILL THEY?!?!?)

Elton’s wig gets slightly more relaxed and his eyeglass budget truly goes through the friggin’ roof (to say nothing of his champagne and dessert budget). This wig is still a dried up, curling ironed piece of nonsense, fyi.

But then he cuts it off and starts losing his hair! This lewk is...passable at best? I mean, the receding hairline is fine but the quality is still not great. Clearly any money necessary for wigs in this movie was used on kimonos and truly: may we all be blessed with the kimono budget of Rocketman someday. MEANWHILE, Robb Stark is revealed to be a total d-bag but before Elton can deal with that, his mom in Robb’s old wig shows up. Don’t you hate when that happens??

This leads into a bizarre sequence wherein Elton falls into his pool only to be met with the child version of himself dressed as an astronaut and playing a tiny piano and then he gets his stomach pumped and then he plays a stadium show to a sea of computers posing as fans. The latter is the closest this movie gets into Bohemian Rhapsody territory, Billy Elliot brother lines aside THANK GOD.

As Elton has is drinking and drugging his life away, Billy Elliot and his soft wave yacht rock makeover is NOT HERE FOR IT. Also his entire character is basically paraphrased RuPaul taglines. At one point, he says some iteration of “if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love anybody else?” CAN I GET AN AMEN UP IN HERE?

Then on a random private jet, Billy Elliot finally takes his critically and financially profitable lyrics and goes the hell back to England. 

Which leaves Elton alone in this GODDAMNED HAT to make lesser music and marry a WOMAN (of all people!) and enjoy very expensive meals out with family members he hates. The side burn action in this whole lewk is also very upsetting. 

Aaaaanyway, in the end we return once again to Elton in rehab as he gets his life together and is visited by his BROTHER Billy Elliot in this amazing 80s ponytail leather daddy with a few old age lines lewk and I was very much here for it. I was not here for Elton’s bad man wig (LOOK AT THE BACK OF THIS THING!)

The film ends with a recreation of the “I’m Still Standing” video and truly - what a way to go out. They wisely chose not to recreate the video and instead to superimpose Zaddy Taron into it which means that the MVP of the movie is circa 1980s Bruno Tonioli dancing his friggin heart out (if you haven’t seen this music video, shame on you and click here). This movie is truly bizarre and wonderful and terrible and lovely all at the same time. The wigs are consistently bad, but if you can look past that, please go see it. Also in conclusion, have I mentioned yet that this movie is WAY BETTER THAN BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY WHICH IS GARBAGE.

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ