#baddate

NB: It's been awhile since I wrote a blog post but I really do want to get back into this. I had promised ages ago to write about some more of my bad dates as well as more of my guides what with this blog being called fatgirls guide to dating and all. So let me tell you all about this bad date. Though it’s testing my memory as it was awhile ago- like back in maybe 2016?- so I’m relying on messages to friends or my date sent at the time as well as my memory.]

Blog: Bad date tale 5. A date with a little extra.

Setting: Luna Park- an amuesement Park in Melbourne’s beachside St. Kilda.

Who: Zane. Late 30’s. Bit scruffy. Works in the music industry.

How I met them: He was Facebook friends with a good friend of mine and we often chatted on statuses on there before he sent me a message. After awhile he asked for my number, I gave it not really expecting him to bother with texting me but- clearly- he did.

What happened: We arranged to meet at Luna Park with thoughts of maybe finding a bar or something afterwards. I was about 5 mins early (something not common as I’m almost always late; I was born a few weeks late and have been late ever since). I wait 20 mins and am starting to wonder if I’ve gotten the day or something wrong (not outside the realm of possibility with me tbh) when he arrives. Except he isn’t alone.

With him is a young boy- I thought maybe 7, later told he was 9- who he is practically dragging and who looks incredibly sullen. “I’m so sorry, my ex had an emergency so I’ve got L today.” Zane tells me.

Until this moment I hadn’t even known L existed but I like kids and I’d honestly never met any kids who didn’t like me. “Hey L, I’m A, nice to meet you.” I say brightly. L just shrugged. Clearly the feeling wasn’t mutual here.

“So,” says Zane. “Who’s ready for some fun?”

He puts his hand up, I follow suit, we look at L but his hand remains stubbornly at his side. Oh boy. This is going to be a loooong day, I think.

We buy our tickets- it’s cheaper to buy the unlimited rides tickets if you intend to use quite a few rides rather than the single ride ones- and the teenager at the kiosk asks, “family ticket?”

Before either Zane or I can speak L says, “no!”

The teenager looks nonplussed but L elaborates anyway. “We’re *not* a family! My mum is part of it, not her.” He says gesturing to me.

Yep. This is really going to be a long arse day...

The ticket situation sorted we head inside.

“What’s your fave ride?” Zane asks me.

“Any ghost train type ones or roller coasters.” I respond. I look down at L. “How about you?”

He shrugs. “Most. I like dodgem cars.” He replies.

“You like the ghost train too.” Zane points out.

“Used to. It’s for babies now.” L says.

I wonder if I can go on the ghost train and some ghoul can kidnap me and get me away from this. But I’m determined to make the most of the situation. I’m not letting L, the 9 year old dictator, ruin a date I’d actually been looking forward to given my intense feelings about dates.

“But it’s fun to be scared.” I say.

“Only babies get scared on the ghost train.” L says.

Zane gives me an apologetic look, one that will become his default setting today. “Well let’s see.” Zane says.

So we go on the ghost train: Zane and L in front, me in the back. I must admit to being tempted to grab L throughout the ride to scare him but I don’t because I’m mature. I do stick my tongue out at the back of his head in the dark though. So maybe not *totally* mature then?

When we get off Zane asks, “that was fun wasn’t it?”

“Yes.” I say.

“No.” L says at the same time.

Zane gives me another apologetic look but I am determined still. At least, at this stage, I am. “So you said you like dodgem cars? Should we try them next?” I ask our little dictator.

“I guess.” L says. He is trying to look sullen or uninterested but it’s clear he does want that ride. Progress I naively think.

We get to the dodgem cars and it’s the same seating arrangement as the last (at this rate, I think a tad bitterly, I’m not going to get anywhere near my date) and as the little dictator looks at me I see an evil glint in his eye and I want to pull out of the ride because I don’t much fancy being chased around by the pint sized terrorist. But I’m not giving him the satisfaction.

So I get in my car and I wonder if it’s a little cruel/dramatic/immature for wanting to take the little bugger out? It’s not that I’m mad that there’s a kid on my date- I’m actually not- but rather that I’m fairly sure this kid is going to have people goose-stepping any moment.

There aren’t many others on the ride so I can’t even hide as L dictates where they go. “Get her!” He screams.

Get me they do. Though Zane doesn’t do it as hardcore as his little devil spawn wants as evidenced by his pouting and pointing out his dad “went easy on [her].”

L wants to go again and I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been as relieved when Zane says not yet. Thank. Fuck.

“How about a roller coaster next?” Zane offers.

“I’m in.” I say.

“As long as it’s not that stupid baby one.” L says.

We wander over to the biggest roller coaster- the one that offers those great views of St Kilda and the bay and the city- to check if there are age/height restrictions. Sadly our favourite little dictator doesn’t quite make the grade and as a result throws what I can only describe as an epic tantrum.

“Are you sure we can’t go on? He’s so close to the minimum height,” Zane asks the bored looking worker.

“It’s minimum. That means he has to be that tall minimum.” The worker says slowly, like Zane’s an idiot.

“Sorry L, next time we come you’ll be tall enough.” Zane tells his son apologetically.

L isn’t placated at this.

“We could try the other ones.” I offer. I know, I know- it is mean of me given L’s hatred of the “stupid baby one” but what can I say, somehow this kid brings out my petty side. If only he was like 99% of kids who loved me and who I got along great with.

“No! I hate this! I don’t like her!” L wails loudly.

“Stay here a moment.” Zane tells his son and he leads me a few metres away.

“I’m really sorry A. I knew he didn’t take the breakup easily but I didn’t think he’d be this...rude.” He says quietly.

As it’s considered poor form to tell someone their kid is a total brat and you want to put him in the spinning tea-cups, up the speed exponentially until the g-force is high enough for the little dictator to pass out I say it’s okay.

“It’s not. Look I’ll understand if you want to call it a day. We could go do something another time. A child free time?” He offers.

I hesitate. I want to take him up on his offer and escape before L orders “off with (my) head. But I don’t want to wave the white flag and admit defeat. At least not just yet.

“Let’s try a couple more rides?” I offer.

Zane’s eyes light up. “For real?”

I confirm that I am, indeed, for real.

So we go back to L. We go on a few more rides but many of the ones L wants to try have height limits he doesn’t meet. So we decide on a new tack- the carnival games. Over an hour or so we fail to win all the big stuffed toys and instead what I’m kindly describing as “plastic junk”, all of which Zane and I carry.

“Listen mate, one more try only.” Zane tells his son.

Cue tanty.

But Zane stays strong. L tries the classic carnival game of the clowns but doesn’t get what he wants to win.

By this stage it’s getting a bit cool and rains threatening. “I know we were going to go to a bar or something but, well, you know...” Zane says.

“It’s cool.” I say.

“We could go get something to eat anyway?” Zane offers.

L doesn’t like this plan because he wants a hot dog from the amusement Park despite his father suggesting we’ve spent enough money and we can get cheaper and better food elsewhere.

I don’t like this plan because I’ve had my fill of L. (My friends later say that I managed the whole date even with L carrying on was worthy of the massive glass of wine I poured myself when I got home.) So we go our seperate ways, with plans to go for a drink another time. A child-free time.

Ah Will, my first and last one night stand. As the wonderfully naive 21 year old I was at the time, I had no idea it would be a one night stand, I was thinking maybe he was the one. We got chatting on Bumble and he ticked quite a few boxes, which at the time were things like “can he have a solid conversation about aliens?” and “does he believe in soul mates?”. I can’t remember his answers but he obviously answered correctly because I ended up at his house not long after, as he suggested I come over for a movie night. I thought that was a great idea! I packed a backpack with DVDs and chocolate and Uber’d my way over there. He met me outside of his house with long greasy hair and a broken leg. As he hobbled, leading me to his bedroom, he warned me not to be too loud because he lived with his entire family, I’m talking brothers, sisters, parents, grandparents, a dog... This would be fun though, who doesn’t love watching movies with a strange greasy man in a full leg cast? So anyway, we’re in his room, sitting on his bed and watching Deadpool, a great movie as we all know and I’m a major movie buff so I sat and watched the entire thing without talking to Will at all. Then once the movie was done, I got up and said I should go because I actually thought that that was why I was there and now it was over and the polite thing to do was leave.

Will had other plans.

ONCE.

SHE WAS FUCKING *BAD*, I FOUND OUT SUPERQUICK.

FUCKING PATHOLOGICALLY-DEFENSIVE.

OVER *EVERYTHING*.

UUUUUGH., I COULDN'T *WAIT* TO TAKE HER FUCKING UN-GODDAMN-PLEASANT ASS BACK TO HER HOUSE AFTER THE BANDS FINISHED PLAYING, SO I DID JUST THAT (at the concert, we bumped into a group of her friends; she was so unbelieveably-rude and immature that she did NOT even bother introducing me to them. She just kept turning-around every now and then and rolling her eyes at me. Her friends actually did not seem like jerks; rather, they only seemed curious about me but I didn't sense Jerkiness from them. After about 20 minutes of being blown-off, I got fed-up with her and as soon as I could, I slipped-away so that I could enjoy the function ALONE, as I always do anyway. It was only then that I actually quickly started To Have Fun. Ha. But unfortunately, after the gig was up, she actually found me. Wow. *FINALLY* I meant something to her? ----- "I've been looking all over for you!"..... -_- ).

-_-

#NeverWannaSeeYouAgain.

#YouShouldHaveGoneHomeWithYourFriends.

#ForgetEvenMeTakingYouToDinnerAndMovieNow.

#YoureHorrible.