かぶす汁

From “Tales of… …Asgard! Home of the Mighty Norse Gods” in Journey into Mystery #97, October 1963. Stan Lee script, Jack Kirby pencils, George Roussos inks, Stan Goldberg (?) colors, Artie Simek letters.

2 fala geri

Thor: I am well, you do not need to keep asking, captain.

Clint: yeah, but you also just learned your dad caused a systematic genocide because he had parental issues.

Thor(sarcastic): thank you for reminding me.

(Cricket sounds)

Tony: Jarvis? Was that you?

Jarvis: negative, sir.

Tony:…okay then. And that’s the awkwardness appetizer.

Tony is going over the stories and stuff he scanned from the scrolls in Asgard.

Tony: a cow? You were descended from a cow?

Clint awkwardly throws out the burger he was eating.

Bruce: wait, that part’s actually true? They actually got that part right?

Thor: you midgardians were bound to get something right in your tales. Why? What else did you believe?

Tony: oh, I don’t know, not a cow? Stars? Normal procreation? Not something Clint was just eating.

Thor: you will show respect! Audhumla Was no mere livestock! She was the first being! The one to be freed from the ice! She who created my great grandfather, buri, the first king of Asgard! It is because of her that my bloodline lives, that Asgard was created!

A weird vibe goes though the room, mostly that Thor was practically worshipping a cow.

Tony: by any chance, was Ymir also involved in your great grandfather’s birth?

Thor: why do you ask?

Tony: because it says so right now. Buri, son of Audhumla and Ymir, the first beings. Apparently, him drinking milk from her made Buri their son, don’t know how that works, though.

Thor’s eyes nearly popped out of his head, he, his father, his entire family, were descendants of Ymir?

Tony: and listen to this, he married a frost giant too. Some lady named harm? That’s new, even for you guys.

Clint: so your great great grandfather, your great grandmother and your grandma were all members of a race you fought for centuries?

Thor doesn’t talk.

Tony asks Jarvis to scan and see how much frost giant thor is.

Clint snarks that it can’t be that much if he’s human sized.

Thor(dry): Loki was human sized.

Clint awkwardly coughs into his fist.

Tony: anyway, Jarvis? Percentage?

Jarvis: Mr odinson is 43.75% percent Jotun, sir.

43 percent, he was almost more jotun then he was asgardian. Loki, he never understood his brother’s plight, calling his woes “imagined slights”.

Clint: looks like Odin is the real god of lies.

Natasha kicks Clint under the table.

Clint: ow! What?!

Tony: okay, so you’re half frosty the snowman, that’s no big deal, basically a Tuesday for this team.

Steve: Thor, it doesn’t change anything, you’re still you.

But it did, Thor thought. It changed everything. Everytime he battled the frost giants, everytime he broken their bones and smashed their skulls, everytime he attacked them solely for sport.

Thor: your math is wrong.

Tony: hey, it’s your family’s history, don’t blame me.

Thor wonders if this is what Loki felt upon finding out

(“I’m not your brother, I never was”)

The avengers try to get Thor to freeze a glass of water, he blows it up instead.

Everyone ducks the shards.

Thor: sorry.

Tony: okay, so obviously not that much frost giant.

Tony asks Jarvis how much frost giant Odin is.

Jarvis: Odin’s genetic makeup appears to be 72 percent jotun.

Clint, tastelessly, makes a joke about Odin being the original Loki.

Natasha punches him.

Clint: ow! Will you quit doing that?!

Thor recounts the tale of when he freed a frost giant prisoner due to them being a child.

Clint(dreading the answer): and how did your dad take this?

Thor: that is not important. She was barely the equivalent of your five year old, she told me her parents were executed, I didn’t know if it was true, but even if it wasn’t, I couldn’t leave her there, I freed her and sneaked her out of the palace, having Heimdall dead her back.

Tony(serious): and what did Odin do?

Thor looked ashamed, if the following story was his fault.

“Father called it weakness. He said Asgard needed no soft-hearted prince.”

Tony’s jaw was tight. Even he couldn’t muster sarcasm now.

“And what did he do?” Steve asked gently, stepping forward.

Thor didn’t answer at first. His breath hitched.

“They abandoned me in jotunheim for three days,” he murmured. “Chained. Weaponless Warriors constantly attempted to kill me. He called it ‘cleansing.’ A way to burn out the softness. To make me worthy of the throne.” He laughed, a broken, brittle sound. “And when I crawled out, covered in blood that wasn’t mine, he told me I was forgiven.

He actually says the last part with pride and fondness, but inside he felt, what was the mortal word, icky?

Everyone is angered and horrified. Bruce is trying very hard to not turn into the hulk, but the green was still showing.

Thor: I am sorry if I had upset you.

Clint: I’m staring to see why Mimir wanted odin’s eye.

Tony: I would have taken more.

Thor: it was, it was his right. I freed a prisoner, I committed treason.

Tony actually choked on his own rage.

Tony: treason?! Treason?!! He left you to die for saving a kid! A kid he orphaned and imprisoned in the first place!

Thor: he would not have let me die!

Tony: oh, that makes it so much better, you know what, let’s go back to Asgard and give him a medal!

Steve: Thor, in Germany, hiding people from the Nazis was considered treason.

Thor: that is different, those mortals were monsters, the people you described had courage, my father…

He didn’t know what to say.

Thor asks if by their standards, he is a Nazi.

Clint chokes on his soda.

Tony: no! What?! God, no!

Steve: Thor, I had fought Nazis, I saved people from their death camps, you are no Nazi.

Thor: but I believed him. I followed his orders.

Tony: okay, first of all, in the context of Nazis, NEVER, EVER, use the following orders line. It’s a really, really, REALLY bad look, but second, you’re no nazi, a Nazi knows what they are doing and enjoys it, you were broken into copying your dad’s man pain!

Thor: man pain?

Steve: Tony, watch your blood pressure.

Tony: forgot the blood pressure! You just had to be the “good captain”, the reasonable Steve rogers, telling us we can’t fight this bastard because “we’ll die” and “it would put earth in danger”, all where the freakjob was torturing kids!

Jarvis: sir, your Heart rate is spiking…

Tony: not now, Jarvis!

He continues his rant, his arc reactor glowing bright, he was now speaking in Italian.

Clint: I don’t know what he is saying, but it doesn’t sound nice.

Thor: i am sorry, I never should have allowed to take this quest.

Tony’s mouth hung open, is he serious right now?!

Thor: do you regret not imprisoning me? When I confessed my crimes a few days ago?

He started to worry that no matter how much of a hero he was on Midgard, he would only ever still that killer, an arrogant bloodthirsty weapon, only concerned with his next battle, his father’s son.

Tony: stop, stop, just stop whatever you’re thinking right now, because it’s wrong.

Steve: Thor, you’re our friend, you’re a good person, we would never imprison you like that.

Tony: especially not after hearing THAT.

Steve: you try to help an innocent kid, that’s one of the most worthy things I had ever heard.

Thor: not according to my father. His punishment, it was because of me.

Tony: for the love of… just forget Odin already!

Steve: Tony…

Tony: no, he needs to hear it. Just stop with the martyr act already!

Thor flinches, they were right. He was being selfish, vain, seeking attention.

Thor: I am…

Tony: don’t you dare finish that sentence! Just stop it! You think the sun will stop spinning if you don’t blame yourself for everything in the universe?! Join the club! But newsflash, you’re wrong! Your dad was wrong! He was more wrong than anyone has been in the history of being wrong!

Bruce: was this done to any other kid in Asgard?