Avatars II: When Qwaritch takes revenge by HunterJeanMidna
One day on Earth, Kernal Miles Qwaritch (HE S NOT DEAD OK! PRETEND NETYRI DIDN T KILL HIM OK!) was sitting in his house in Nevada, watchin lesbian flicks an drinkin Rollin Rok an eatin popcorn when all of a sudden his phone rung.
KERNAL QWARITCH! yelled the dude on the other end WE HAVE AN DISASTER ON PANDORA! THE NAVIS ARE KILLIN EVERYBODY!
OK said Qwarutch I must go there an fight the Navis . He was pissed that he couldn t watch porn anymore but he wanted revenge cuz the Navis blew up his spaceship an speared him in his robot. So he ran to the roof of his house and got in his little spaceship and took off for Pandora. It was a long flight so he put on You Could Be Mine by Guns an Roses (get it because that song was in The Terminator II which was also by James Cameron so its an injoke!) and flew to Pandora. As soon as he landed a Navi tried to shoot him but he took out his shotgun an blew there noggin off an blue blood went flyin everywhere.
A Sargant ran at him KERNAL QWARITCH THANK GOD YOU RE HERE! We were just chillin when all of a sudden the Navis ran in an started shootin everybody with arrows an spears an flyin on birds an shit! They killed a buncha the soldiers an we killed some but there too powerful ,Qwaritch!
Qwaritch saw a robot an got in it and went to war. He grabbed a buncha Navis an killed em but a lizard jumped on him. He took out his knife an cut its head off but the Nazi rider jumped into the robot an tried to kill him but he shot it with a shotgun an the Navi exploded everywhere an splattered blue blood everywhere in the robot. The robot messed up because the blood got in its systems so Qwarich yelled OH FUCK and he had 2 get out on his feet an ran off as the robot exploded like than big blimp the Nazis had.
A buncha Navis came in on birds an lizards an ran at Qwarich. COME TO POPPA YOU MOTHERFUCKERSSSS! he screamed in anger as he fired his AK47 and shot a buncha Nazis and killed them as they fell offa there birds. Then a buncha Navis on horses came in and started shootin him an he nearly died as he dodged them all. Then Qwaritch ran off to a cave an got on his cell. He called a number and said I need help man. Could you come over to Pandora!? an he waited for a little bit when all of a sudden a drop pod landed (it killed some Navis too) and a robot guy came out it was Master Cheef! Master Cheef gunned down a buncha Nazis an then he ran over to Qwarick as they did that handshake like Arnold an Oppollo Creed did in The Predator. Then Qwaruch an Master Cheef kept shootin Navis an Master Chef shooted a horse an blew up the horse and the horse yelled as it got splatted all over the jungle. Good shootin Chef said Qwaritck as they kept on fightin.
But then the Beserker Navis came out with swords an shit an charged Master Chef an Qwarutch but the bersekers got blowen up by a rocket. Qwaich an Cheef looked over an it was ..Samus Arin! Hey Samus sed Cheef as he adn Qwarich ran over to greet him, Were fightin the Navis! You can count on me homies said Samus an they ran off to the rebuilt Hometree an stormed the place. Then Jake Scully came out and fought them! Jak was very angrey for the deths of his homies so he yelled AAAAAAAAR an ran at them. IM GONNA KILL YOU YOU MOTHERFUCKER QWARICH! But Qwarich fought Jak Scully an won. Jak run off but got blown up by Samus an Master Cheef.
Then they all ran into Hometree an found Neytri! Hey boys she said an then Qwarich left their history go as he, Master, Cheef, Samus an Neytri had a foursome an Qwaritch, Samus an MAster Cheef came all over the place. Then the Nazis surrendered an Qwaruch, Master Cheef an Samus all yelled WE SAVED THE DAY! Then they went home.
Chapter 2
"ugh" said Jake Scully.
He had just fought his nemesis Kernal Miles Qwaritch and Qwaritch won an Samus an Master Cheef blew him up. But he survived but was tired.
Neyrti ran over to him. "Jake! Your alive!" then they hugged. "I saw the exploson an thought you were dead. But youre alive. But I have something to admit to you."
"Whats that" asked Jak.
"I had sex with Qwaritch Master Chef an Samus." Jake gasped. "But that was just to satisfy them so they would leave." Jak understood an still loved Neytri.
"So now what?" asked Jake. Hed been outta it since Master Cheef an Samus blew him up.
"We had to surrender to the humans cuz they were just goin around killin everybody. But now the Navis are fightin back against those MOTHERFUCKERS an we killed a bunch already."
"Good" said Jake "But why are we standin around talkin when we could be killin people?"
"Good idea" said Neytri. So Jak an Natri got into the Hometree an put on some armor an got their weapons to fight the people with. It took about 5 minutes for them to suit up cuz the Navis are so big but they did it.
"WE WILL FIGHT AS ONE!" yelled Jak "RIDE OR DIEE!"
An then the Nazis went to war. There were these 2 securety guards havin sex with a Navi prostotute (she didnt want to so it was rape an theyre bad men) but our heros ran over an chopped his head off just as he was about to come an get the Navi pregnant with a human baby.
"Thanks for savin me" said the Navi lady "I'm gonna fight too".
Meanwhile back on Earth Kernal Qwaritch was back at home in Nevada an he was having sex with five hookers at once when all of a sudden the phone rung.
"KENRAL QWARUCH KERNAL QWARITCK!" yelled the dude again (it was another dude cuz the Navis killed the first dude he talked to) "THE NAVIS ARE KILLIN EVERYBODY AGAIN! THEYRE ESCAPIN AN GETTIN UP!"
"GODDAMNIT" Qwaritch yelled into the phone "CANT A MAN GET SOME PUSSY WITHOUT THE FUCKIN NAVIS ATTACKIN!?" BUT QWARUCH ITS URGUNT!" yelled the dude, "THEYRE ATTACKIN AN KILLIN HOMIES AN FUCKIN OUR BITCHES AN...OH FUCK THEY BLEW UP OUR BAR!"
"Then build a new one" said Qwackj "I'm stayin here. Call Master Cheef or Samus theyll help you out".
"BUT QWAAAAAARITCH PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE!" yelled the dude cryin' his ass off "WE CANT KILL THEM AND THEYRE LEAD BY JAK AN NYTRI!"
"I thought we killed Jake" said QWaritch silently. "Then I must get my revenge!"
So he pulled out and sent the hoes home an got back in his ship again an took off for Pandora.
Back on pandora the Navis were winnin an killin people an bloowin shit up an Neytri cut off a troppers head while Jak was stealin a machine gun an gunnin down soldiers with a minigun like that black guy on The Predator had that he leveled the jungle with after the Predator killed that wrestler or something (AN: I havent seen that movie in a while so be easy on me homies ok). He screamed while he did it too to be all badass an show the soldiers he ment bisnus. A ninja was snakin up on him but Jak turned aroun an blew the ninja apart he was a skeleton by the time Jake was done. "DAAANCE BONE DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADY" yelled Jak when Neytri came over an then that Navi dude with the mohawk who fell offa the plane in the movie came over.
"Hey guys I survived fallin outta than plane so I'll fight too."
So they all (meaning Jak the Mohawk dude an Neytri an some other Navis) ran into Hells Gate to clear the place of human activity. Then all of a sudden one of the Navis got his head blowed off an splattered blue blood everywhere an it got all over Jake Neytri an Mowhawk dude. They turned around. It was...QWARITCH!
"I'm back bitches" yelled Qwaritch as he aimed an fired at our Navis but they dodged an he hit a tree instead. His gun was so powerful the tree was reduced to splinters after just a bullet hit it an the other bullets he shot hit the air instead. So imagine what itd do to a Navi.
"OH SHIT" yelled Neytri! "HES BACK AN TOO POWERFUL!"
"Lets think outside the box then" said Mowhawk who ran up to Qwaritch an punched him but got hit. It blew off his arm an the Mowhawk screamed. He ran back to the hidin place.
"Oh shit your arm" said Jak
"Don't worry Navis are like lizards so itll grow back".
But then Qwaritch found em an shot inside there hidin place!
"YOU CANT GET AWAY THIS TIME NAVI COCKSUCKERS" yelled Qwaritch! He then shot up the hidin place an blew it up but the Navis escape.
Then Neytri speared Qwaritch an he got hurt.
"YOU THINK YOU CAN KILL ME NAVI BITCH" shout Qwaritch! "I MAY HAVE HAD SEX WITH YOU BUT YOU WONT WINN! I WILL KILL YOU ALL!"
Jack ran over an punched Qwarich an knocked him down an then kicked him but Qwaritch got the spear out an stabbed Jake in the foot with it!"
"OOOOOOOOOOOOO" yleed Jak who then kicked Qwaritch but Qwarech got up an punched Jake.
"I cant believe I'm gettin paid to do this" said Qwaritch" I LOVE watchin Navis die!" When he was on earth he watched Disrtct 9 an heared the quote by that Koobus guy an liked it so he used it on Jak.
But then the Navis all of them gangpiled Qwach an started tearin him apart. They ripped off his legs an then tore off his screamin head an the Kernal was dea.d
"Whew" said Mohak "where did you Navi homies get that idea?"
"Well" a girl Navis said "He quoted Dirsct 9 an we wanted to kill him like they killed Koobus in the movie. It was poetic justic.
"You can watch TV?" said Jak
"Yeah we can we invinted it. Its just that a meteor landed from PAndora an you humans got TV from it an massproduced it."
So the victorious Navis went inside thew Home tree an watched Watchmen an it was happily ever after.
Chapter 3
Kernal Miles Qwaritch was dead an some alien panther things were eatin him (like that one he stabbed 2 death in Avatars the movie) an there was nothing more for the Navis to fear.
Or was there
On Earth in Qwaritchs house he had a scientist homie who made a Qwarich avatar so that if the human Qwaruc died hed come back as a Avatar. So the Avatar Qwarich woke up in the pod an opened it. He then looked aroun an realized that he was back in Earth in his house. Then he looked down an saw that his legs were blue! "HGAAAA" yelled Qwarich as he got surprsied at his new body but he was so big he knocked over a lamb.
"Oh shit" said Qwaritch "I'll have to replace that lamp but I cant go to Lowes or Home Depots because Im a Navi now!" Then it hit him. He died an the last thing he remembered was gettin torn to bits in a sea of blue Navi dudes. So now he was an Avatar forever. "Well thisll take some getting used to" said Qwaritch to himself as he stood up an proved himself right when he hit his head on the ceilin (cuz Navis are really tall)! "GODDAMNIT!" yelled Qwarich. He walked over to the phone. He needed cheering up so he called his usual hoes from the strip club to come pay him some attention. "They might get scared of me" thought Qwaritch" But maybe they have a fetish or are Furrys or somethin". So he waited around an when the hoes came he opened the door.
"Hey ladies" said Qwaritch grinnin "Could you lift me up? I'm feelin blue."
"" yelled the girls as they ran away
"FUCK" screamed Qwarich! He'd have to use a towel tonight. So he went into the bedroom an got a towel an got ready to consult Docter Hans Jackovv when he took off his pants an saw the scariest most heartbreakin thing he'd ever seen.
HE DIDNT HAVE A DICK
Qwaric screamed an started cryin tears at this revelation. At this point if you were to put Qwarich in water, itd boil he's so mad. Then it hit him. He was a Navi now. He could go on Pandora without needin a mask. He could blend in with the Navis. THEN HE COULD TAKE HIS REAL REVENGE! "Yeeeees" grinned Qwarich proud of his plan. He got in his other little ship an took off for Pandora...
Meanwihile on Pandora, the Navis finished up Watchmen an Jake an Netryi went to bed early because the scene with that flabby owl dude an the stripper babe (AN: regarding Silk Specter 2 BOWCHIKABOWBOW! Where's the TISSUES?!) in the owlplane got them all turned on.
Jake took off his Tarzan skirt. "How do Navis have sex?"
"It's easy" said Neyri "You stick your tentacle thing into mine an we hump an grind on each other to get the tentacles all pumped an then you cum."
Jak was pleased. "So THAT'S why Navis dont have dicks or pussies?"
Natryi said Yes so Jak said no more as he jumped on her, took his tentacle thing an stuck it right into Neytris. "MMMM" said Neytri as Jake grinded on her as his tentacle thing got all hard an stimulated. Both their light dots were all glowin bright they were so turned on. Jak humped an humped an humped Neytri. After a few minutes of this intense pleasure Jakes tentacle thing pulsed an sent blue sperm into Neytris tentacle thning. They got done but now were all tired.
"Jesus" said Neytri "That was like a 100,000,000.0 on the Rickter scale."
"We need to do that more often, like every other hour of every day" said Jak. He had so much stamina he was already hard again but Neytri was tired an he didnt wanna kill her or somethin with his hard-as-a-rock tentacle thing. So they went to bed.
A few blocks away from the Hometree Qwaritch landed (it was a uncomfortable ride cuz he was an Avatar now an had to squeeze in to fly) an he got out an stretched his long arms an legs. Then he realized he was wearing human cloths so he needed some new duds for his plan to work. But luckily for him there was a Navi nearby pissin in the woods so Qwaritch snuck up on him an snapped his neck like on Splinter Cell or Metal Gear Solid. Then he took his clothes off an put on the dead Navis so now he was fully uncanny as a Navi warrior. He then took up his spear an bow an made his way to the Hometree.
The next mornin the Navis were all eatin breakfast when Qwaritch came through the roots an into the tree.
"who are you" said Mowhawk
"Friends, I am D'leah!" said Qwaritch in perfect Naviese (on the way to Pandora he listened to a bunch of audiotapes teaching how to speak Naviese) "I was born in the wilderness but my parents died so I've been fending for myself this whole time then I found the Hometree so now I'll live here with you."
"D'leah" was welcomed into the group, but in the back of his mind he was laughing like the joker cause he was gonna get his revenge and everything was goin perfectly.
Then Jake an Neytri came over an greeted him. They thought he looked familiar but no way could Qwaritch turn into a Avatar.
"Come with me" said Neytri. She was gonna give him a tour of the tree.
She told him the history of the tree "This tree grew millions of years ago an the Navis lived in it. But some cocksucker named Kernal Qwarich took it down an killed a buncha Navis."
"Oh thats terrible" said "D'leah" when he was smiling evilly in his mind.
"But then we got Qwarich an kicked out the humans an rebuilt the tree. But then the humans came back an Qwarich came back an fought us an won this time. But then we struck back an killed all the humans an Qwaruch got killed for good."
"Good, that motherfucker deserved it" lied "D'leah".
"Yes he did, he was a bad bad man. So anyway, his room on your left is the Navi harem."
"D'leah" did a double take "You mean there are naked Navi hoes in there"
"Yea" said Neytri "I'm sure theyd like your company. There were a bunch of Navi hoes in the first Hometree but they all died when it got taken down. We had to rehire." "D'leah" instantly felt bad for blowing up Hometree becuase he killed a buncha hot Navi hoes that he coulda had sex with or something.
So the tour got finished an Dleah ran back to the Harem to get some Navi action.
"Hey baby" said the lead Navi hoe "We can show you a good time"
"Motherfuckin right" said "D'leah" as he ran inside. Then it hit him that he didn't have a dick an didn't know how Navis had sex. But then he notced that his tentacle thing got really hard at the sight of the Navi hot ladies so they dogpiled him an he put his tentacle thing in one of them an they all started havin sex. The room was glowin blue from the Navi body heat goin on an then finnally D'leah came an moved on to the next Navi an the next an the next until he was all outta hoes.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" said the hoes
"" said D'leah as he came.
So then D'leah was conflicted. He could get his revenge but then he'd be killin the hot Navi girls. He wanted to genocide them but he also wanted to have sex with them. WHAT WILL HE DO?!
Chapter 4
"D'leah" (Qwaritch as a Avatar) was sittin on the very top of the Hometree lookin around ponderin his decision of what he was goin to do. He wanted revenge on those nasty Navis really really bad...but at the same time he wanted the Navi pussy! He'd called Master Chef an Samus before he left so they would come an attack Hometree an help him get his revenge, he had until they got there to make his choice.
"What are you doing up here D'leah" said Neytri. He got scared an jumped but relaxed when he saw it was just Neytri.
'Oh Neytri, you startled me," said "D'leah". "I'm sittin up here thinkin."
"What about?"
"So I'm thinking...well, imagine you were in charge of an attack on the humans who tried to kill you an your homies. But when you got there you found some hot human dudes to have sex with. Would you take your revenge or give it up for the relationships?"
Neytri thought about it. "Well I'm loyal to Jake. But if you took him outta the equation then I would give up my old grudges to have sex with the hot people without pissing them of."
"D'leah" paused. "But what if these people did something really bad like stab you in your bird or rip you to pieces? Would you be so forgivin now?"
Neytri was like "Sounds like what happened to Qwaruch." "D'lea" agreed but tried to be careful so he wouldn't give away that he was really Qwaritch.
Neytri stood up. "I've gotta go to Jak. We're gonna have sex plus I'm scared of the dark an there are evil birds up here who eat Navis for dinner an bite their heads off an give them to there babies."
"Oh shit!" said "D'leah"! He ran down to avoid the Navi eating birds, but also ran to Jake an Neytri's bedroom window to watch them having sex. Neytri didn't know this of course so she just ran off oblivious to the fact that she and Jake were gonna have an audience.
In the bedroom Jak was setting up those poofy white flying things (to use as candles) an put on a Teddy Pendergrass CD (AN: RIP TEDDY! I LOVED YOU! T-T) to get ready for the night he would remember forever. Then Neytri came in (no pun) an Jak was already naked.
"Hey baby" said Neytri. She took off her cloths.
Then Jake set the CD to Love TKO an they got on the bed an started doin' it. He put his tentacle thing into hers an they fucked so hard they almost fell through the floor. But little did they know that "Dleah" was watching them from outside the window! He was watchin an noticed that his tentacle thing got really hard so he added 2+2 an started pumpin his tentacle thing with both hands. It started floppin around cuz he wasnt used to havin such a huge penis but he eventually got the hang of it an started vibratin as he felt his long hard blue shaft. Inside Jake fucked an fucked an fucked Neytri an she made a sex noise as Jak came everywhere. Neytri got shot a couple inches because of the sheer amount Jak came. "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN" said Neytri "Jesus Jake, how many times can you cum with such power?" Jak grinned ear to ear as he finished cumming an started rubbing his tentacle thing again (he had a lot of stamina so it was already hard again. "Shall we begin again?" asked Jake as he pointed his tentacle at Netris. "You know it jarhead" said Neytri with a grin an they were back at it. After about 8 minutes they came again an filled the whole tree with moans an groans an shrieking screams of pleasure (the adult Navis covered the little Navis ears they were so loud). Finally Jake an Neytri fell asleep.
"D'leah" finally came. He wasn't quite prepared for how much more he'd cum as a Avatar than he did as a person an it shot against the glass, an there was so much of it it broke the glass! "OH SHIT!" screamed "D'leah" as he jumped down to the very bottom of the tree (Navis are like cats so they can fall from up high without gettin hurt. That's why Mowhawk was able to survive fallin out of that airplane to show up in Avatars III: The Navis Strike Back.)
But too bad because "D'leah" fell so far that he was far away from the Hometree. He looked around where he landed an saw nothing but jungle an light bright things an dinosaur things an shit. He remembered his days as a Cub Scout.
You dont know this but Qwaritch was a Cub Scout before he was a Kernal. One day his troop was campin in the mountains an Qwaritch left to take a piss but got lost in the woods. He got scared an started cryin but then he remembered his scout master dude told them to just pick a direction an go in it until you found civilazation. So he chose to go West an walked for about 5 miles before he ran into a Bear. The bear roared at him an tried to eat him but Qwaritch stared the bear down an it got scared so it let Qwaritch ride it. So Qwaritch told the bear to take him back to his camp an the bear knew where to go. The other Scouts got scared but Qwartich explained that he tamed the bear an the bear took him to the camp so they weren't scared anymore. Then the bear ran at the scoutmaster an ate his fat ass an the woods an mountains were filled with bloody screams of blood as the bear ripped the scoutmaster's fatass beer gut open an started eatin his intestines. But then Qwaritch took his knife an the bear ran at him but Qwaritch managed to stab the bear to death. (now you know how he knew how to defeat that panther thing in the movie!).
So "D'leah" chose to go South an walked in that direction. He heard some roars in the jungle but he was a really tough dude so he wasn't scared.
Then he ran into...Trudy the gunship pilot!
"D'leah" was surprised. "Trudy where have you been all these years?"
Trudy was also surprised. "How do you know my name? You're a Navi."
"D'leah" explained his story. "You see Trudy I am really an Avatar. I'm really Kernal Miles Qwaritch but when I came back to take my revenge on the Navis they killed me. But I got uploaded into this Avatar on Earth so I'm still alive."
Trudy got mad. "You tried to kill me you son of a bitch Qwaritc!"
"D'leah" was shocked. "Oh shit, that was you I was shootin' at?" He remembered how this gunship was shootin at him in his big ship but he blew it up. He didn't know that it was piloted by Trudy, who he secretly had a huge crush on (of course he did she's played by Michelle Rodregez). "I didn't mean to! Had I known it was you I woulda ceased fire an got you to safety before shootin some more."
Trudy realized he was serious. "You're serious?" she asked.
"Well if you need proof I love you, Trudy. I've always loved you since you first joined the RDA an thought you were really hot."
Trudy said no more as she started smoochin on "D'leah". They made out for a few minutes when Trudy asked "can you have sex?"
"D'leah" got the biggest smile on his face. "Yeah I use my tentacle thing as a penis an it cums like a firehose."
Trudy blushed. The idea of Qwaritch cummin alot got her turned on. "Could it work with Navi on human?"
"Yes it can" said Qwaritch. Then Trudy took off her pants an Qwaritch grabbed his tentacle thing an stuck in in her feminine Cave of Wonders an started thrustin with it. Trudy was moanin as it went in deeper an deeper in her cunt. Qwaritch had such a huge penis that he was tryin to keep it from shootin up into Trudy's throat area.
"COME TO POPPA!" yelled Qwaritch as he pounded an pounded an pounded Trudy. Trudy moaned in reply she was havin so much fun with the blue Q-man.
"Oh yes Qwaritch" said Trudy "Give me more of your Q-tip!"
Qwaritch said yes an jabbed it in deeper into Trudy's hole. "UUUUUUUUUUUUUUNH" said Trudy. "" screamed Qwaritch. He was about to cum, he just felt it. He took another look at her face an that was all it took to send him over the edge an his tentacle thing sprayed blue semen like a Super Soaker as Trudy was totally lovin it. Then they fell asleep in the jungle like Jak an Neytri did in the movie.
But Qwaritch forgot that Master Cheef an Samus were comin to take down the Navis!
Chapter 5
"Last night was off the hook" said Trudy as she got up.
"Your goddmaned right" said Qwaritch as he stood up, his tentacle thing still drippin wet with blue Navi cum. "So what do we do now?"
"Let's find Hometre" said Trudy
Then Qwaritch remembered. "OH FUCK I CALLED MASTER CHEF AN SAMUS TO BLOW IT UP AN HELP ME GET MY REVENGE BUT I DONT WANT REVENGE ANYMORE SO I GOTTA STOP EM!"
Trudy an Qwaritch ran off to save Hometree. Qwaritch was scared cuz the Navis were definitely gonna know who he was after Samus an Master Cheef attacked but he had to save the hot Navi babes!
Jake an Neytri were eatin lunch with Mowhawk when all of a sudden they heared these loud ships outside. Fearing the worst they went outside an saw what they feared: Two gunships, one gray an the other orange, floating outside the Tree.
"Oh fuck" said Mowhawk "I'ts happening again!"
Then the ships opened fire on the tree an killed a couple Navis when D'leah an Trudy came runnin over screamin at the ships. "NO NO NO MORE!" Master Chef an Samos saw who it was so they stopped...but then Samus asked over the comm.
"I thought you wanted revenge Qwaritch?"
All the Navis looked at Qwarich burning wholes through him as he stood there, exposed.
Only thing Qwaritch could say was "OH FUCK!"
Jak, Neytri an Mohawk came over to kill Qwaritch but he protested. "I CAN EXPLAIN EVERYONE!" So they grabbed him an took him to the Hometree jail.
IT was a gloomy dark room in the tree with no windows. They got him there and then Jake said "So start explaining Qwaritch."
Qwaich gained his composure an explained himself the best he could. "You see when you Navis killed me my sould was transferred to my Avatar on Earth. So I flew up here to get revenge an infiltrate your group. But then Neytri showed me the harem with all the hot Navi hoes an I had sex with them an realized that they loved me while no human women would touch me anymore. So I changed my mind cuz it was important that I let the Navis live an let my revenge go. You see Jak, it's like your situation. You joined the Navis because it was the only way you could walk an I'm joinin them cuz its the only way I can have sex with girls an stuff."
Jake paused. "You mean youre only here not for revenge but to have sex?"
Qwaritch said "yeah an plus I found Trudy. She's my girlfriend and is on your side so the friend of my enemy means that the enimy is my friend!"
The navis were understanding. Mowhawk spoke up "It seems like a shallow reason to not take revenge but if I lost my penis I'd become the other side too."
Neytri was agreeing too so the Navis forgave Qwaritch an let their past rivalry go and made him a permanent member of their clan.
So Jake, Neytri, Mowhawk, Trudy an Qwaritch (he didn't use his Navi name anymore) walked out to the whole Navi group where Master Cheef an Samus were watching. Qwaritch bid them farewell. "You were good friend an great soldiers to have on my side. But now I'm a Navi."
Samus an MAster Cheef hugged him an took off in their ships for new adventures of their own (hint hint more stories).
"So what should we do now?" said Trudy.
"Let's go to the floating mountains an have lunch." suggested Qwaritch.
So they all got on their bird things an took off into the Sunset. It was a happy ending for all.
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Weyler fic is THE worst man. Wednesday needs Galpin in her but it’s not Tyler it’s his Daddy. Love your fics man.
From the same fic 💀
I was outside 🚬 while skimming it and my barking LOL echoed down the street.
Sorry not sorry, kids. All writers under 25 need to read more erotica. (And also read out their dialogue to see if it even sounds right/ask themselves, "Does this sound right? Does this sound like something that would fall out of anyone's mouth, let alone Wednesday's?")
... So far I've read 2 "NC-17" fics this morning that crossed my fyp — one Isadora Capri/reader and the other Ajax/reader — and am reminded of why I don't read these things.
Dry as the desert sands over here, people. Are y'all virgins? Because you write like virgins.
Not only do they quote Edna Vincent St. Millay to describe their feelings towards a character on a 2000s supernatural television show who had five mins of screen time
They also write fanfiction 🥲
"MAYBE THERE IS A VERSION OF THIS WHERE EMMA EATS THE BURRITO"
i had some pretty intense theories about what was coming for us when the clues started dropping, and most of them revolved around them rebranding as a very specific sort of cover band. blame my hyperfixation on the fucking flamingo.
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You need to fucking run your fics through the appropriate tech checks before you publish your shit.
Yeah, I get that some of you aren't EPL (English Primary Lang). But that doesn't mean your fucking writing program is, or that you can't translate it then run it through.
My gods. If you want to sell me a shitty WFJ story with fkn multiple Jennas in it bc you are obsessed with your fantasies, then you better make it as smooth a ride as possible. I know you're all fkn virgins (most of the writers are, apparently, according to a poll a little while back), but don't let that fucking extend to your Spellcheck & Grammar function.
However, I think that ultimately it might be the dialogue that rips me out of everything. It's the terrible goddamn dialogue. I just cannot read Cairo with completely AU characters, because y'all can't fucking write it. You want people who aren't braindead obsessed with fucking Ortega to read it? Or do you just want to rub n' shoot with others who're rubbin' and shootin', because a quick, shitty fuck is better than no fuck at all? Cairo would have a field day in a critique with y'all, and it would end up a big, bloody mess where y'all would be running to the bathroom in tears. (Or maybe that would be Wednesday, since she doesn't give two fucks. But I feel like the reason Cairo has only one friend is probably more than just her being a typical loner. Both have competitive superiority complexes, so when unleashed on those whose skills are lesser in a competitive arena, they are both likely reach for the heart of their enemies...Wednesday with Bianca (and Sheriff Galpin to a degree), Cairo with Jon and Winnie.)
But I'm starting to whine about content rather than tech specs, so. Do better if you're writing wild AUs. Actually, do the least that is expected of you as an author.
Ugh, speaking of checking shit, people who write articles about RPF need to understand the difference between historical fiction, self-insert/Mary Sueing, and RPF. There are differences. Pretty big ones, even if the genres can overlap/intersect in places.
ETA: I tried to force myself to keep reading it.
Nope, nope, nope to the nope.
CAIRO DOES NOT HAVE HAZEL EYES. DO THESE LOOK FUCKING HAZEL TO YOU? NO. THEY NEVER HAVE.
There is no reasoning given for this change...none. 🤦🏽♂️ She's never worn contacts for her roles because people love her big, obsidian-dark eyes. It's dark, dark brown, almost black. I have the exact same eye color. Yay Mexicans!
*GASP* an EYE reveal 🫠 Sorry about the scary Orwellian BIG BROTHER pose, but it seems that no matter how I take a pic to show my eye color, my brows furrow when I'm looking at the camera. Or at you, oh she who writes less than her potential.
For the love of all that's holy, stop. 😭 Or at least GET a second opinion for edits before you publish, preferably by someone who you will be expecting tech wreck from. Not active authors, because we're too busy...but active readers who can take the time to help you run through bad tech (spelling, typos, some grammar) and through spec check (specs = character consistency with canonical aspects you're trying to achieve, but if it's totally AU this isn't a priority, obvs.).
There's a culture going on right now where people can't critique others' works without being seen as meanie or anti. You all get rubber stamped on your creations at AO3 because no one is able to offer meaningful critique, and that means being able to take criticism. Not everyone's writing is great, or even good for that matter. I'm not perfect either, but at least I can do the bare minimum for the readers. But Tor, that's how we prac —
If you keep writing the same shitty, un-edited stuff over and over again, that's not practicing to write better. That's spewing sub-par 💩 for fleeting wet fantasies.
Write your shit, whatever it may be, but god damn, respect your readers a little more but moreover, respect yourself as a writer enough to want to publish something that isn't riddled with easy fixes.
