#backthekind

How many out there are actually perfect? And never, ever make a human error? Never make a mistake? Never do something that you would give anything to take back? I sure try to be perfect…it’s actually one of my downfalls. I strive and strive for perfection and for some reason always fall down a little when I realize perfection is impossible.  It’s part of  life - and we all gotta live through it. I’ve spent a majority of my life wishing that I was anybody but myself. It’s not that I never loved myself, or who I was inside. It was more that I always wanted more. Even in my darkest and ugliest days, I still found myself dreaming of more. It did feel more impossible in those days, but the vision still existed. Once I started rebuilding my life, and got the job that saved me, I let my hustle lead my life; and outside of being a mom, work was the only thing I had. It was great for awhile. I enjoyed working my ass off AND I was good at it. It showed, of course, and I moved up pretty quickly… at least once I realized that I could only kill an entry level Administrative Assistant position for so long - even if it was for the VP of the company. I loved my job and I hated leaving that position/role…and I seriously had a hard time accepting that it was time to move on to a new bigger_and_better role (within the same company), mostly because I felt like I was betraying what I had spent 2 years building. 

The VP eventually “forgave” me for leaving his side (joking, of course) and I was able to forgive myself for actually leaving his side. It ended up being the best decision that I made, simply because I got to start using more of my brain power with the new gig - and I really enjoyed that. To be honest, it was the first time since high-school that I had used my brain for anything other than killing the cells that existed within and really it gave me a purpose for the first time in a long while. The problem was that it didn’t take long for my job to become my newest addiction. Eventually I became nothing short of a workaholic… and of course, my leadership team didn’t mind, especially when it never had to come out of their pocket. I didn’t mind at first, because it gave me something to do. I’m a minimalist and the bucks were short, which means internet and Cable TV (for-fucking-sure) wasn’t in the budget.  I did eventually get internet as the world was changing before our eyes…and working from home became a perk of my job. And let me tell you! This was great..again, at first. It started with 2 days a week, turned to 3, and before I knew it, COVID hit and I was working from home every day of the week. To make sure we all stay on the same page, I want to express how much I love working from home. There is literally nothing better in the world - at least if you have to have the sit-in-a-cubicle kind of desk-job. Basically, if I was going to be staring at a computer for a majority of every single day, I want to at least do it in the comfort of my own home - in a hoodie and baggy sweats. 2 years later, when I became a Manager, I realized that the time that I had thought I had “overspent” was actually my greatest advantage - simply because  I had already built all the relationships with the rest of management as an entry level admin for one of the big wigs…

Shortly into COVID, the company I worked for started taking a huge hit - talking the employee vs loss ratio game . Before anyone knew it, the good ones started dropping like flys and their work started piling up on the ones remaining. I hung on for a very very long time because I thought I could help save "their basement from flooding”. I’m a single mama of 2 boys, and one of the dad’s isn’t around to help, which means that I rarely ever get a break and if I do, it is at night after the boys go down for bed. Even when I was going through some major PTSD episodes at home, and some seriously intense therapy to recover from that past, I still left that shit at the door  - every single day - because that’s what the world expects. Anyways, eventually that started  to break the company simply because it started breaking the individuals that remained within. - and they aren’t willing to take ownership until it was too late. Listen - the “perk” of working from home is only a benefit if you work under leadership that truly believes in a work/life type of balance - more than they believe in a “serving the company” type of way. And it is sure to fail when workload doubles the whole 40 hour work-week expectation -  especially when exceptional employees are striving to give their damn best - every single day - simply at the sacrifice of doing what is best for the entire company…And what happens when “LEADERship” becomes so busy taking care of their own day-to-day 8am-5pm tasks that they forget to monitor the workload vs hour vs pay ratio of those on their team? SOLID GOOD PEOPLE will slowly start leaving to find better - you know, to find something more equal to their actual ethic - and the remaining will take the hit - over and over again - until they can no longer take it.    

 And here’s where mental health comes into play in this chapter and why it is on leaderships plate to make matter.

You don’t know what people are going through at home, or in their own head, at any given moment. Some people live within abusive relationships and show up at work the next day like everything is just peachy. Some people struggle with depression and can hardly make it out of bed in the morning - but they can’t afford to get fired. Look, we could continue with the “some people…” for pages and pages but let’s keep it real. The truth is we don’t know what other people’s trauma is. And we don’t know what everyone is holding in (or onto for that matter) - for the “Greater Good of the Business is Business" etiquette that we all carry. And that is/should be respected because it has to be…but the other side is even more true. People’s mental health has to matter - MORE. We all go through shit that we don’t talk about. You do. I do. We all have. And we all should do a better job of remembering that part of moving on from things and healing from past traumas is learning how to let go and move on. And if we gotta hold that shit in during the 8am-5pm working day, then we for sure need the time at night to be able to unravel.

At the end of the day, we all focus more on being happy. That’s at least what we are all out here striving for, right? We all know how easy it is to throw on a smile. And we all know how easy it is to stare at someone that is smiling and automatically assume that they are happy. It is in our human nature. And you guys - fake smiling can even trick your brain a little into being happier. But we all go through more than we are willing admit. And there are stages to healing. And it comes in waves sometimes. And what might be fine one day, could be the total opposite the next day. And unless you are the person going through it, you don’t understand it - because those are not your shoes walking in it. And taking advantage of that is wrong. People actually matter more than money. And what they are going through should matter. And it shouldn’t matter who you used to be or are currently. Doing the right thing, in the right moment, will always matter more and doing it kindly is like BEAST_MODE Bonus Points. 

If we all started caring more about what is actually on the inside, and less about what we see on the outside, we might just find that we are all a little fucked up at best and that it’s okay to break sometimes - as long as you don’t unpack your bags there. Basically, always get back up - even when you fall. And even if no-one is there to catch you. Sometimes in order to fly, you have to fall. And if the people around you don’t understand that, then you don’t need them - even if you want them. And if you can’t understand that, you should quietly sit down and let the others lead the way. 

You guys….let’s be dixie and keep twisting - Who has the vantage point now? Let’s see… I’m going recent mental breakdown = where we/I landed. Honestly, it made me realize that I had more to deal with than I realized. See, remember my breaking-badly-moments? And even my more recent breaking-bad-momma-moments? Well, I found my way back to more than I had before I started breaking in the first place. I could break this down so many ways…so lets take a turn - and do it.

1. Da Hood - You guys…my most recent hood, aka my neighborhood, is actually a safe place. And it’s my new safe place. And It doesn’t matter how safe, because my neighbors witnessed my weakest moments and are still living next door to me. They saw my happy - and then - they saw my break - and then they saw me slowly pick up my shit (with my big girl panties on) - and continue to handle my shit - LIKE A DAMN BOSS - might I fucking add. 2. My Home Town Squad - aka MY good guys…this part is funny as all get out. Back in the day, when I was breaking the bad rules, I used to hate (OR get sketched out badly) by the 1st Responding Type of Hero’s, especially the PO-PO. But be clear - that is because I wasn’t backing the kind. Before I broke, yes - badly - I would have never walked toe-to-toe in a hood I didn’t (and still don’t, kinda) belong in, strictly because I knew there was nothing there for me but what I had already left in my past. And I wasn’t going there, ever again. And even in my worst moments, I didn’t think I could do it without somebody else literally driving my car. I wanted to go - but I wanted to run shot-gun. Eventually, I FOUND myself, and realized that I could drive straight through and literally SEE the good guys having my back. 3. MY OG Squad - These are my guys. Remember, you can be who you want these days, so boy/girl/he/she bullshit don’t belong here. You are who you are in my world. Within the last 5 years I have literally cut or lost every single “friend” that I had…or so I had thought. But - eventually medication came before meditation and I started beauty&da-beatn it... and that made me start thinking about the people from my past that I wished upon a sleepless night were still around. One by one I started talking to “my good ones” and realized some pieces from my past just didn’t fit with the puzzle I was building. 4. What Mattered - Anymore: Here is where we can go sideways. I learned that by backing my kind, most of my past didn’t matter in the way I was previously carrying it. By that, I mean, I was proud of my past, but I wasn’t willing to share it, with people I thought couldn’t bear to hear the weight it had been causing me. And now, I can’t stop sharing. And I don’t want too. Because - the_real_world really does exist, for more than those willing to admit. 5.What Didn’t Matter - Anymore: and here we can do upside-down…with no idea what way is up. Right now, I am more worried about learning what I don’t know, than using what I already know. And I know that is wrong in a broken-type of work, where mental health comes last - but its gotta come with a stand. And that past simply has to gotten got…so to say. 

Sometimes people go down bad roads…and they end up facing some pretty hard_core fucking consequences. Sometimes, chances are given to people when they are not warranted. Sometimes people pick a dark(ER) path, and they are given chance after chance to change…and THEY CHOOSE NOT TO - over and over again. Sometimes, when too many chances_to_change are given, bad things end up happening to good people. WE could even reverse this, for good times. But really, it doesn’t matter because at the end of the day, sometimes, chances go sideways, even for the good ones. And sometimes, what was once an opportunity (deserved or not), completely goes underwater. - Basically,  misgiven chances, turned wrong choices, gone BOOM-er-ang. 

It’s another pretty fine line, where GAMER1 mode comes in. We cannot stop evil. Hell, we can’t even stop all the bad from settling within some souls, but we can try to contain it. And sometimes that means we need to be better about the chances we are giving to people. Just to be clear, it gives me chills to say that. Because the opposite is very very true, depending on the vantage point of the game. 

Look - I’ve watched so many people, people I loved, people that were good people - go sideways. Meaning, I know people who have killed themselves, I know multiple people that have been murdered, and I know a lot of people that have lost people they truly cared about to the game. And it doesn’t matter what game we talkin bout. We can play them all - Drugs, homelessness, mental illness, misfortune, shitty timing, dog ate the paper, whateva. It’s the aspect of the game that we should make matter.  We at least need to make it matter more, without breaking the good that has already been built within. We all have to make better choices and it starts with how we are looking at people.

And this is where we are going to take a YOU-turn. You can decide what way your head goes. But, IF YOU ARE A BAD PERSON (and keep it real, you get to define what that means…) you can give yourself a chance to change. If you are judging, stop judging, If you are doing something you don’t like seeing in others - stop doing it. Basically - and you all know the saying - but ima say it anyways….BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE. And if you aren’t out here trying to be part of the change, then ask yourself if you really deserve the kind of chance you are currently living? If not, step over. Because the colors, the choices, those breaking-in-a-bad-way, the filthy-rich, the deaf-and-the-blind, the broken&beaten, EX-FUCKING-CED-RA, are ALL the ones we gotta fight more for...

What does that mean? Basically, we just need to try harder to save this planet. If we don’t, the whole thing is going up in flames. Think about it for a minute - with all that’s going on in the world today, what is it going to look like in 5,10, 15 years? We can worry about the days, months, and years if we want. Or, we can start changing within ourselves, and leave the rest up to fate. Fate doesn’t look so good though, when the world is in a downward spiral - with technology/money/power increasing at a SUPER FUCKING FAST RATE.

Did you know that your brain’s storage capacity is considered virtually unlimited? I like to think that I have a pretty exceptional brain…Really, WE all have exceptional brains. The brain itself is an EXCEPTIONAL muscle. Rhetorically speaking, I have a question for you all…When your kid does something 100% down-right-stupid, how many of you (you = parents) respond with something along the lines of “WHAT IN THE H.E.L.L. WERE YOU THINKING?!” AND how many of you follow that initial response with some kind of knee-jerk-reaction kind of punishment, such as, “YOU ARE GROUNDED” or ”GET TO YOUR ROOM”? Let me tell you a fun/little/fact about the way our brain “grows up” with us...

Your brain isn't fully formed until age 25. Brain development begins from the back of the brain and works its way to the front. Therefore, your frontal lobes, which control planning and reasoning, are the last to strengthen and structure connections.

Keep it real with yourself…and I will keep it real with you. My oldest kid is 5 and there are so many times I find myself asking him the “what are you thinking” question. And 10 years from now, when he is 15, I am sure I will find myself yelling (or at least wanting too) those exact same secondary thoughts, MY thoughts turned reaction, AT him. Before we go any further, I am going to share one more fun fact with you -

One of the biggest differences researchers have found between adults and adolescents is the pre-frontal cortex. This part of the brain is still developing in teens and doesn’t complete its growth until approximately early to mid 20’s. The prefrontal cortex performs reasoning, planning, judgment, and impulse control, necessities for being an adult. Without the fully development prefrontal cortex, a teen might make poor decisions and lack the inability to discern whether a situation is safe. Teens tend to experiment with risky behavior and don’t fully recognize the consequences of their choices.

My point is, we all have expectations. And we all have some SERIOUS expectations that we raise GOOD/SOLID/SMART members of society before we release them into the wild. But - that isn’t, or shouldn’t, be the point. I mean - yes, it should, BUT, people & kiddos make SOLID FUCKING MISTAKES sometimes. And sometimes, they need more than a SOLID PUNISHMENT. Sometimes, they just need us to listen and understand. And BE FUCKING REAL…you made the same damn mistakes when you were their age too. And if you didn’t turn out okay, it is most likely because you made a different choice NOT TO TURN OUT OKAY. 

We need to break this down more as parents. Or at least take more of the responsibility for the shit that is going on in our world right now. We need to understand that what we “do” to our kids at home, is taught and instilled in their itty-bity-less-than-full-grown brains and then they take that “behavior” to school and out with their friends. Kids don’t typically just become bullies. They don’t typically just show up to school with a gun and decide to end another’s life. Kids are born good/solid/smart human-beings and it’s our behavior, and less than mature selves, that mold them. 

Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying ignore the bad moments and let the kids rule the world by doing whatever-da-fuq-dey-want. All I am saying, is that sometimes, punishment and discipline isn’t the answer. Sometimes, the bad behavior, is caused by mental health issues - aka issues within the brain. To be blunt, I am saying, sometimes, you need to shut the fuck up at home and listen to your kids. Ask your kids different questions. Raise them to be kind, rather than smart. Mold them to be strong themselves, even when they fuck up. Prepare them to “fly” for when it comes time to let them. 

I am here to [secretly} battle the - FREE/GOOD/MAN Project. Really, that’s my “fake-under-cover” way of saying, let the good guys win; which simply means let the good-human-kind lead the way - because all of this hate and violence SUCKS if you ask me.... Look, sometimes, the Good-Ones may not appear Good by their looks/aka Appearance. Do we need to define that? Or can we stear-clear of all the craziness and easily define that sometimes, the Good-Ones may appear to be defined as BAD, by the definition our society has given of what is good, at least; but, that’s not always a true-down-to-the-core statement. And all deserve the same chance at a good life. If your an adult reading this, have you ever had even just one moment where you didn’t feel strong enough to say or do exactly what was on your mind (keep your thoughts respectful here)? Sometimes life puts us in situations where we may feel like our voice isn’t loud enough or we just simply cannot stomach getting the words out, even if it protects our young. 

Lets keep it real here…I am breaking this down in the most simple way I can for ya’ll…Imagine, just for a second, that you are a little-tid-bit again. If you have a hard time getting your words out in some instances as a “grown-up", think about what that feels like for a CHILD…how&why do we leave the little ones, the kiddos, standing there secretly asking for help in an undercover way? - and just to keep things fair on both sides, most of the time - they (you know, the younger than your-damn-self versions) don’t have a voice big enough to say much of anything. BECAUSE - HOW - FUCKING - SCARY - WOULD - THAT - BE? 

Sometimes - homes, are built so thin, that they hurt each-other, VERY-FUCKING-BADLY. And sometimes, other homes, that were built from the ground up, literally, build a space within their home, FOR OTHERS -> that way a child/or/adult-ish person can be given a better opportunity - aka a good-free-chance-@-life. 

Back in school they never taught us what we needed to know Like how to deal with despair or someone breakin your heart Twelve years I've held it all together But a night like this is beggin to pull me apart I played it quiet left you deep in conversation I felt uncool and hung out around the kitchen I remember I kept thinking that I know you never would And now I know I want to kill you like only a best friend could

See, we gotta give our younger/than/youth a chance to change - before they break ever-so-badly. They {the kids- no matter the age} deserve that much. But as I just said, they don’t have AS loud of a voice as adults do…which is why it is our FUCKING DUTY to speak up & speak out about the nastiness that comes with some aspects of life. Isn’t it our jobs as adults-and-parents, and as a “grown-ups”, to change the way our world looks for our kids? You guys - this starts with mental health, and safetly/love at home. Not all kids have a safe place to be themselves, even though most imagine all is well with their surrounding neighbors in their ever-so-safe hood they reside in. Some kids sit at home getting emotionally or verbally abused and have no-one to turn too. Some kids sit at home with everything they could dream of having and more. And then we ship them off to schools where they are expected to buck-da-fuq up for 7 hours and learn “how to be smart”...

Ask yourself this…why in the hell is our youth taking guns to school and killing people before they ever even have a chance to fly? Why are we not spending more time preaching mental health awareness in schools? Why do we spend hours and hours every single year preaching math/science/and/history in schools, just to watch our youth repeats history with a vengeance? If you ask me, I think it is time to switch some of our public-school-system curriculums up a little and start preparing our kids more than we currently are. This ain’t an easy life out here in the real world. Stop sheltering what you are scared to lose. Be the change you want for your kids. And praise their kind hearts over good grades, now matter how successful you dream your child to be. 

STAND - THE - FUCK - UP - WITH - ME.

SPEAK - THE - FUCK - OUT - WITH - ME.

CHANGE - THE - FUCKING - WORLD - WITH - ME. 

Where does all this start? When does all this start? How does it all start? All of what? Sorry, I got ahead of myself. Should we spell it out, again? It’s called T-R-A-U-M-A and most of it starts at home…when we are kiddos. Stay with me - I am not saying that every child has a traumatic life at home and I think it is safe to say that there are plenty of children that have a happy-go-lucky life, from the day they are born until the day they open their wings and fly into this less/than/bright big world..

What I am saying, is that it doesn’t take much of anything to cause “trauma" in a child’s little brain. Kids don’t have the same brains and pathways that adults have built. Think of it as a muscle - which it is. You gotta work it the same way in order to expand the growth. 

Roll with Me 

How many of you remember falling off your bike as a kid? How many of you remember at least ONE kid hurting your feelings when you were an itty-bitty little squirt? How many of you remember losing something very, very important to you and it crushing your heart? How many of you have some rough experiences from your childhood that you still find yourself thinking about? How many of you have experiences from your past, especially your childhood, that still affect your life and the choices that you have decided to make every single day since? 

Look - you don’t have to go to war to end up with trauma or PTSD. I know that word, the word trauma, seems so big and so scary. Let’s define it, strictly to defend our youth.. Trau-ma is nothing more than a deeply or disturbing experience. How many times do we tell our kids to ”Shake it off” when they get hurt? How many of us punish to discipline rather than TO TEACH?

To give the kiddos a chance, I’ll break down the word discipline for y’all too. 

Dis-ci-pline: training to act in accordance with rules, drill. 

I am going to take a step back. I want to give you all a heads up that I am not perfect by any means. In fact, I am the worlds best-worst momma in the world. And that is a fair statement because I try my damn hardest, and I do a very good job [most of the time] taking care of my babes but we, and I, all make mistakes - especially as rents. Be honest with yourself - have ya’ll ever yelled at your kids for being s-l-o-w as all get out, when you all are already running behind, strictly because your own-ass is the one who woke up late? It almost makes me sick how many times I have done this…and still do, regardless of how much I try to control myself and my own anger issues. The end game with this kinda S.H.I.T - my less/than/perfect/momma/moments? My kids, their feelings, and their itty-bitty brains take the hit for it. 

I truly hope my imperfections can help improve your life…or at least your kids. At minimum, I get to heal a little from sharing...But we do gotta start taking a closer look within ourself, as adults, to change our own lives, so in return we can change & impact our kids lives. It starts with making our-individual-selves happier, kinder parts of society, so our kids will and can have a safer and happier future. It starts with us as adults. Let’s do this together. Change the world with me. Start with YOUR-OWN-DAMN-AMAZING-AND-SO-DAMN-WORTH-IT self. 

Some families have really thick blood. So thick, they let others fail where they once fell even shorter. And sometimes within those families, new families get built and by chance, the ONE-FAM becomes even bigger. Let me tell you all - I have been down some sketchy roads…with some less/than/kind people. Within those roads, my self-chosen walks of my life- I have stuck by one saying…it’s kinda like my life motto so to say.  

Having a kind heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness.

Let’s be honest - we all know that this world is a little-fudged at best. We basically have “one-shot & one-opportunity”  to turn this shit around before the entire thing falls apart for our youth to grow up in. I know we have been using that scare tactic for quite some time now but you guys…KIDS-MATTER-MORE-THAN-HISTORY.  I’m here to break this down for you all. We’ve got ourselves two-solid options - super simple to understand...

1. We can choose to do right, the KIND way, with kind hearts. 2. We can be awful and ugly human-beings and sit back watching other people die at our grace.

I’ve lost a lot of good friends over my life. And a majority of that was due to me getting lost in my world, my own, less than my best, way. Eventually, I turned my life around - with my very first born rock-star kiddo. From that point on, I started making choices in life that I wanted to make in order to have a SOLID/GOOD/LIFE with  solid-good-kind-hearted people in it. We all make mistakes sometimes. And for reader mind-expansion, plot twist with me…Sometimes we find out that we gave the wrong one(s) the wrong chance(s) and our life ends up taking the hit for it. What happens then? How do you move on from your past, when your past won’t let go of you? 

I’ve literally lived with demons, and even had some living in my back-yard recently. To stay positive, I knew that I had grown a lot since I had left the worst part of hell that I was previously living in. Within the healing from my recent breakdown - I learned that - I have made so much progress in my life over the last 5 years that I can now look them (the bad guys from my past) dead in the eye, laugh like I'm a fairy-fucking-god-princess, and do it kindly-ish. Life isn’t always fair. Sometimes we gotta do things the hard way. But we have to try to change the bad ones. People do deserve chances. They deserve the opportunity to lead a solid life they can be proud of - IF they want to make the choice to take it. I was dealt a pretty good hand in life to be completely fair. I played poker with the devil and lost my cards but I didn’t give up and it didn’t take that long to start getting it back. I did have to fight a lot harder than I would have had too but it wasn’t impossible. I just had to try. 

I heard once that we, aka “humans”, only use around 10% of our brain (that’s from a movie, of course…). IF you had nothing to do with YOUR time, what do you think would happen with your life? I’m half/time kidding, but also dead serious. How many of you are so worried about what others think about you that you shut your entire house/&world more inward? What I mean, for those that don’t follow, is, how many of you focus more on what others think about you, what others see, aka judge on the inside and LESS about what is around you? To be more specific, how many of you TRULY know what is going on around you? Who is willing to stay up all night to figure it out? In a PUR-FECT world, I would advise against that, but this is my story, and my healing world - where I didn’t take my sleeping medicine, and therefore tried to find PeterPan in the trees, rather than take care of my own shit. 

Sometimes, it should be more about the babies…aka the babes - or squirts. Really, the YOUNGER THAN YOURSELF versions - or really just those that need help. I have spent way too much time, trust-&-believe more time than necessary, observing the outer world and have spent ZERO time ever really looking inward, so to say. Within my half-time-and-1/4-life-crisis, I found 1) a therapist, and 2) “healing chakra beads”. Needless to say, I felt the “energy” within the healing, More so, I found that sometimes - within the breaking - we might actually be healing. Break it down even more. Within the healing, we, and I, found STRENGTH. One, within many, we found strength. What I mean, is that, I found extra - and needed - strength - within myself. And from doing so, I found numbers-in-the-strength around me.  

Plot twist this with me…sometimes - within the inward healing - we fight - and we find that we have more than we realized. If you want to get real with me for a minute - not that long ago I had an un-expunged felony, BUT a very decent job. Now I have an EXpunged felony, a big-mouth for the right side, and nothing to do with my time. My neighbors watched me take care of my shit every single day. Deigh-in-&-day-out. UNTIL I BROKE BADLY. AND THEN THEY WATCHED MY BREAK. BUT THEY THEN WATCHED me put on my big girl panties, handle my shit, and break a little less - but still in public - way.