#speakupspeakout

Can we all agree that it is time to change history, before it’s too late? Can we agree that kids are dropping like flys, at the cost of their young struggles - that are somehow so grown up all of a sudden? At minimum, can we just agree that change is imperative - or we are all doomed? Oh and that if we don’t continue to change, the change won’t stick...Think about this with me. As we get older, we become more responsible. We start to make “for better or worse” decisions and choices. We eventually try to  put on our big people panties and take on life, so to say. With time, comes obstacles, and with obstacles comes viewpoints. Basically, we all go through shit, and we take that and create our own personal views of the world, of what’s wrong and right with it, and based on that we make personal choices of who we want to be. We try to become what we follow and then we try to stand by what we preach. And then we live our life like that. As we get older, different things start to matter in different ways and we go through different struggles - in some sort of fashion - and those struggles mold our very beings.

Get real - out of all the ups and downs that one is bound to go through in life, most prefer the good times over the struggle. But the truth is, we ride through the good times like they will always exist. Like times won’t change one day. But they will. They always do. Another struggle is always bound to come - eventually. And following that, there will be another way back up - at least eventually - if you try. Something got you to the point you are at. Some struggle, from a previous day, got you to the moment you are currently living right now. And those struggles are just as important, if not more important, than the good that you got from them. We live in the moment, or try to at least, and then we try to grow. And when we do grow, we slowly forget to remember the dark moments that got us there, for what they were actually worth. Coming from someone who was a previous fuck-up, it almost feels more natural to frown upon the bad. It becomes easier to hide the pain of  what you previously went through under the progress that you have built. And it’s always been more of the norm to rep the good on your shield over the ugly. It doesn’t take a genius to determine that it's always easier to act like what is not currently in front of us, isn’t still existing. Over time, and for right reasons, we become so proud of who we became, that we forget to applaud our demons for the assist in getting us there. 

Look, beliefs are an important part of every person. Belief systems make up families, communities, cultures, etc. People identify by them and some spend their entire life living up to their belief system. We even make beliefs based on beliefs and within other beliefs. And sometimes those beliefs are taught and sometimes they are decided upon.  Normally, we either teach what was passed down to us, or we have a life-altering experience that makes us decide to go a different way. And that should be okay, you guys. In fact, it should be more than okay. Changing your views means you are growing. It means you are finding a new and improved way to look at life. You are changing, so to say. And those that change, prosper.

If you can’t tell, I am on this huge STOP with the judging riot, picket sign and all. It’s simple. People should be entitled to their own beliefs without you considering your judgmental vantage points. And that’s because there is a reason that people have the beliefs that they have. Something in this world, somewhere, built them to be there - for that one person. Flip it, just for shits and giggles - because it isn’t just the judgement. It's just as much that too many people have their own beliefs, and there aren’t enough people trying to understand the beliefs of others. And when you put both perspectives together, it comes with a dividing line of hate in the game of right and wrong. People deserve to belong…and they deserve to belong because people are human-beings, and they have hearts..and they matter. When we put walls up to keep others out, we do it based on our beliefs of what is actually right and wrong in our own  eyes. And technically, there is nothing wrong with taking that stance…but what’s so wrong with keeping an open mind? Is it so wrong to think that you might be wrong? Or that your belief might exists within your realm, but maybe not in those standing around you? 

We all go through different kinds of experiences, right? We all live very different lives. Hell, we all even live life differently. Think about all the different moments you have each day. Take it further than that…imagine all the people you see out each day…and each one of those people  is experiencing their very own unique version of the moments in front of them. And even when people coexist within moments, they still exist differently. They are lived by the Gamer1 perspective and they are viewed depending on all of the previous moments Gamer1 has lived up until that current moment. I personally struggle with my pride game. I prefer to be right, and I get enjoyment out of proving a point. And damn does it hurt my ego when I am wrong. I will literally beat myself up (in my head, of course) for being wrong - even though I know I am bound to be wrong sometimes. Why though? What’s the point of doing that to myself?

Recently I’ve been recovering from a mental break gone sideways and I’m processing through some of the things I did, said, or believed during the time that I experienced off my medicine and without sleep, and I’m slowly starting to realize how wrong I actually was in those moments and about things that I could have sworn were real at the time - to the point it is almost humiliating. In those moments I didn’t understand how everyone else could go on living such a normal life around me when clearly everything around us wasn’t right…and in those moments I knew that I was right and that all of the things that I was seeing and believing were actually existing around me - which means it had to be existing around them. As I am picking up every single piece by myself, it is becoming more and more clear that what I was experiencing during those moments weren’t actually happening in the real world…but they felt real because of the traumatic memories trapped inside my mind - which I was the only one that had lived through. In short, my experiences weren’t actually happening around me in the way that I thought they were and others definitely weren’t experiencing the same moments that I was experiencing. And I’ve been struggling with swallowing my pride because it felt so fucking real when I was living through it. The more that I am healing, the more that I am realizing that there is nothing I can do to erase those moments. They happened and they are what they are and I can do what I want with them. And that is my choice. And my change. I am learning that what I experienced had to do with my mental health breaking and the C-PTSD episodes that I was experiencing from past traumatic experiences - and the people around that felt entitled to judge actually had zero idea what was going on…in fact, drugs was their first thought and that couldn’t have been further from the truth. 

I am starting to believe that if there isn’t any way to go backwards, then I can only go forward.  I am trying to worry less about being wrong and right…and focus more about the experience for what it actually was. And by doing that I am finding that I’m a lot happier than I previously was when I am by myself…Around certain people (like my family)  I’m still secretly ashamed and embarrassed of what happened - even though it wasn’t my fault. Honestly, it is really sad. It is frowned upon to break. Breaking is determined to be weak. Falling apart is for sure a sign of weakness. And how fucking crazy for someone to see shit that doesn’t actually exist? And how could that even be possible, so stop acting like that already…right? What’s even crazier is that I used to be one of those people, in a different kind of way. I had never been through such an experience myself that I simply didn’t understand what it would be like myself and I definitely didn’t understand how it felt to live through something like that….and I never really though about  how it felt to be someone that had to live with the recovery of having those experiences. I knew what it was like to recover from drug addiction, but that was a choice. Mental Health and Mental Illness exist and you guys let me tell you…they are very fucking real to the person experiencing them. And it shouldn’t matter if you see the why or the how or even the when. Hell, it for sure shouldn’t fucking matter who is right and who is wrong in those situations. 

The truth is that most people go through things in their head that they would never dare admit out loud…and definitely not to a group of people out in public. But what if that could change the world? What if every single adult made the decision to speak up a little more about their true inner self - broken pieces and all? Could that leave behind the possibility that more kids wouldn’t feel so alone in their little beings and they wouldn’t feel they had to live through it alone in their own little world? Maybe, I’m not really sure. But I do know that I was once a broken little girl that suffered through her mental illnesses in silence because I never heard any of the bigger people talking about it themselves and that lead me to believe it was just a me thing for the longest time. I refuse to believe it is just that, though, and we all know that’s the truth. It also led me to believe that I wasn’t worth being wanted and I starting forming other assumptions that I was less than I actually was - and I did that because I live with a mental illness. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I stopped taking my medication and I had zero idea how fast the darkness would come swopping in. Trust and believe ya'll - mental illness fucking sucks. And ones living with it would give anything to get ride of it. 

People shouldn’t feel so uncomfortable living in their own skin that they hide away from the world. And they definitely shouldn’t feel like that just because they suffer from something that a majority of their peers hide due to the shame they personally find in it. Mental illness fucking matters, you guys. It exists. It is out there, even if you haven’t been graciously living with it. And we have to make it matter more that it currently matters. The world should be a safe place to exist, even when we are surrounded by our darkest moments. And when it doesn’t feel safe, we should be able to count on those around us to feel better, rather than fearing the judgement we might end up encountering from them, especially the ones that end up witnessing our most broken moments. I can’t help but think maybe I’ve been looking at this the wrong way. Maybe broken is perfect and perfect is broken, even though that is far from the belief system I was raised in. And maybe those that wander really aren’t lost, but just searching for more than they currently have. And isn’t that the point? Shouldn’t we treat our views and beliefs the same? Shouldn’t those two things continue to change in order for you, as a person, to continue to grow? And isn’t that what we are all out here aiming for? 

Back in my old junkie days, I spent a good amount of time in rehab facilities. And to keep it real, that is one of the safest places I have ever felt to be free - and me. and that’s because everyone there was also a little fucked up - just like me - and they didn’t have a problem admitting it. And that felt safe to me because I knew I wasn’t being judged for my downfalls. It was a safe place to get clean but also a safe place to heal. This go around I wasn’t on drugs, so my house was my safe place, which means I isolated myself in my own misery for a little bit. And that sucks you guys. I’ve lived in that moment. I knew I wasn’t on drugs, but everything in my life started looking just like it did when I was on drugs. I saw the judgement in the eyes of those around me..and trust me - I felt every fucking bit of it. And it hurt. I had to learn how to put up my own wall against ALL other’s and their judgement just in order to be able to get enough inner strength to put my life back together - by my damn self. So that’s what I did…one foot in front of another, day by day until I started finding myself again.

It is taking longer than I’d like to admit but I am starting to come back to me. And I am starting to remember who I can be and who I am under all of my armor. I had to lose myself - again - in order to find the newest version of myself - again, which only means that I am onto the next chapter in my life. For a minute I thought I was losing everything, again. And I wanted to give up. I was barley holding on. BUT - I knew I had been through worse. And I knew if I could make it through that moment, that I could make it through the next one. That’s all you have to do guys. Is just make it through the next moment. And remember that you are always a bystander in someone else’s moments - all the while you have no idea what they are going through in the life they are hiding from the world - and everyone is hiding something from the world. Try to remember that your beliefs and your views don’t always matter. And if they do, you should express them humbly and understand that they may not be received upon the way you wish them to be. 

Don’t be satisfied with where you are at in life. Don’t be content and happy with the progress you have made. It’s okay to change your beliefs, and that shouldn’t come at a price. And it for real takes strength to look someone in the eyes and admit that the way you whole hearty believed was wrong and ended up being at the cost of others. People change. Experiences and moments change people for better or for worse. And sometimes you might have to take 10 steps backwards in order to move onto the next milestone in your life.And sometimes that means leaving behind everything that you have ever known - including your family - to believe in yourself more than you want them to believe in you. 

Our scars make us who we are. Make them the new hot topic at dinner. The world isn’t a perfect place. But it’s a beautiful type of world if you can find the sunshine. That doesn’t come easy for everyone, so keep that in mind that your previous struggles could possibly be what saves the life of another in their more dire moment. Speak up about it now, before it’s too late. You never know when it’s going to be to late when it isn’t something you can predict happening.

Having a kind heart matters. And it’s about the only “rule” that I truly care about having in my house. See, I’m the mom that is at home teaching my kid to step in the middle of a fight, IF_and_WHEN he witnesses someone being bullied. He might get in trouble at school, but he will never get in trouble at home for standing up for the right thing. And kids are fucking mean, you guys. Really, all I care about is him having a kind heart.  My mother isn’t always the biggest fan of my parenting style…and she “wouldn’t allow” half of the things that “I allow” - or so she says when she clearly isn’t on board with the way that I “discipline” - or teach my children…But what she and others don't understand is that I’ve been through a different walk of life…and I wasn’t put on this earth to roll with other’s beliefs. I’m more here for the Moana type of life…where listening to “no” in dire situations isn’t what I stand for. Really, it all comes down to kindness - and understanding that there is a reason for everything…and that it is always worth taking the chance to understand that reason before you react to what’s in front of you. 

Listening should always come first - regardless of who you are talking too - but it should never be your only light. Why? Well, it is simple. Sometimes listening to the advice of other’s isn’t worth what you are going to get out of the end game because they don’t see or feel all of what you are going through. At the end of the day, you are the only one who can make your next move. And sometimes, you are going to have to go against everything that you have ever been told just to  prove a point for yourself…and for the ones that haven’t made it to where you are sitting - because we all started somewhere, at it wasn’t from the top.. Let me tell you - I have lived, live, and will continue to live a very different life than most people will ever understand. Honestly, I wasn’t supposed to get out of my previous lifestyle (you know the shooting up herion junkie days of mine)…and I know that by the number of times that EMT had to come rescue my ass. But I did and that doesn’t mean anything other than  I have a different type of light to share with the world…

I eventually started packing up my shit and started moving on from my addiction and those surrounding it. I got a good job and built a new group of friends within that job…and I became a single momma shortly after. Anyways, in an effort to continue my growth, I left out some of the most important parts of my story…See, most of those people in my life now have zero idea what kind of life I actually led before. They know the basics and surrounding details but nobody has the fully story…and I promise only a very few know what I have actually been through…and continue to live through every single day - because at one point I let a man put his hands on me in a very mean way anytime he got mad and he had anger issues. I did let a few people in to some of my darkest or scariest moments, but there are very few that actually know the real me - and why I am the way I am…and why I whole heartedly stand behind the line that I do…

The more time that passes, the more I realize how much I have been holding myself back from healing - just from still being so ashamed. I never shared the bad stuff about my life. I wanted them to like me because it was also my job. I had bills to pay and babes to feed…and people tend to frown upon past junkies…And it wasn’t just my job. It was everybody, everywhere. I learned how to cover up what made me by keeping those details to myself - at the risk of being frowned upon - because I still judged myself. And it wasn’t just the judgement…it was very much the shame that came with the very ugly and dirty life that I was previously consumed in. On top of that, you’d be surprised at how much shame and embarrassment comes along with being a battered woman, especially when you are living through it - or trying to recover from being IT.  

And that’s the point. They have it different than me. They haven’t been through some of the things that I have been through. Trust and believe, that is to their advantage, at the time being, because recovering from and healing from feel the same, and might even look the same just scattered over time. See, recovering from a situation is simply getting on with it, for the time being. And then time happens and the days turn into nights and eventually you start crying less and less. Within time, you may find that you have moved on, but eventually time allows things to come back…and if you never really deal with the pain, it will knock you to your knees - in a different way - time and time again. Time is weird like that. It starts giving you the  chance to think things through. It allows you the opportunity to decide what is worth the pain, and what was a bad judgement call. And in time you live, and learn, and eventually life either makes you or breaks you. And from there you either deal, survive, or conquer.   

I am learning that sometimes you have to take what little  you have and find a way to build an empire with it - even if it doesn’t seem like much to start with.  I am literally playing with fire right now, but I think the trick is finding a way to do it the right way - with the right people - in a humble kind of way - from the ground up..and we all need to do a better job of remembering that for some that might be their very lowest moment. And for other’s it might be their second in line. Don’t you think it would do the world a little bit of good if everyone tried their damn best to think like that? How far could we come if each one of us tried to be more understanding, and less judging? Can you find a way to let another’s perspective in, without truly walking a day in their shoes? 

Break down a little with me...

I’ve spent the last few months hardly ever taking my headphones off. First, it was a distraction during work, from work, while working. It didn’t take long before my house was too quiet and I just couldn’t think straight without some sort of noise. Some might say that is sure to happen when you are a single momma of 2 kids with 2 dogs and a work from home job - without any friends. Really, the music was the only way to drown out the loneliness that my life had become. Eventually, music and time was all I had on my plate…It has been a bittersweet experience. It started as a means of surviving and as I am healing I am finding more to laugh at than if I didn’t have music playing...Honestly, you should try it. It almost makes life feel like you are living in the middle of a movie…with background noise and all - if you let it. And from there you can make it what you want - and you can do it in your own way - without having to worry about the judgements of others, which is currently one of my personal goals. 

It wasn’t that long ago that I couldn’t get a word out of my mouth - with enough courage for anyone on the other side of the table to be able to make out. And that’s because I was raised to believe that the fight wasn’t worth the reward if it meant possibly making another human being upset. Basically, I was always being told that it was better to take a seat and listen simply as a means of not causing a ruckus. And if you had to make a ruckus, that it should be for the right reason.  Here is the solid truth. I am breaking so badly that I can’t live my life without my headphones, and the music. But at the same time - and mostly when I am out in public - I am able to find beauty in my surroundings because of the music. I might not be able to follow the whole “Sit down” Dad speech at the cost of hurting others feelings, but that is basically my stance in life... I’m not trying to bow down to those below me anymore. And I don’t feel like you should either. I am spending a lot of timing listening, just not to others anymore. And I am working to speak up more, about everything that is right. It might end in a “fuck, of course there’s a no u-turn sign!" when I missed my turn and am running late a majority of the time,, but eventually there’s gotta be a point where enough of the right people are are standing up.

After my Grandpa Hergott died, my dad introduced me to The Farmers Creed. The last line of the poem reads: 

I believe when a man grows old and sums up his days, he should be able to stand tall and feel pride in the life he’s lived.

I broke a few months ago when I was trying to “tackle” some of my previous traumas. It took everything from me, just like it did when it broke me the first time. And that’s when I realized that I never truly healed from some of the experiences that I went through in my life. I mean I had definitely recovered from where those places, people, and experiences had left me, but I hadn’t really moved on. Look -  I’m not the “take it slow” kind of girl. And I’ve always been the kind you can knock down, but can’t keep down. In an effort to keep growing, I was always “attempting" to move on and I was always taking on more and more responsibilities (in every aspect of my life) to always continue that growth. I never wanted to stop…and before I knew it, I didn’t have a choice to stop, because there wasn’t enough time in my day to get everything done.  Eventually everything became too much and it took me to my knees, long enough for me to leave my security blanket - aka my job - behind. 

It has been more than a bittersweet experience - this go around. I’ll admit, this is the first time in my entire life (31 years in) that I have ever stopped and focused on myself. And I am definitely running out of money quickly, which is becoming stressful, but I’ve had more time than I’d ever get, just in these last few months, to actually think about my life…and my purpose. And in a time of feeling lost and unsure (let’s be real, I’ve got kids to feed), I somehow found a way, to find my way, back to all of the good places, people, and experiences that also happened. This time is breaking me in a different way, but having it has allowed me the chance to heal in a forever type of way - and it’s giving me the chance to REMEMBER why I am who I am, and it’s allowing me the opportunity to HOLD ON to the good memories and USE the bad ones as ammo - for my future growth, of course. 

Let me break this down for you…The past is the past. And there is literally nothing that you can do to change it. But you don’t have to let it hold you back. Your past experiences make you who you are. They can take you and break you, or they can be what they are and mold you - and they can even do both. Let’s get real already…really what happened was that I recently gave myself the opportunity to become my very own version of Wonder Woman, because I gave myself the time to think. I’m not super impressed with where I am sitting right now, but for once in my life I stopped focusing on everyone else and started looking within myself. Through doing that, I allowed myself the opportunity to envision a few new possibilities about my past that I never saw before. I’ve been through some shit…and I have let it aide in the mass production of the 10ft high walls that I’ve put up over the years. I knew it wasn’t the most healthy way of moving on, but I didn’t realize how much I was still letting it control my life... And let me tell you, it has only made me more and more cynical over the years…which only hindered the kind of opportunities I allowed to come into my life. 

Wonder with me, ya’ll...

What if the experiences that previously broke your every being somehow turned a page one night and actually became the experiences that built you 10 ft taller than most of your surrounding “partners”? Some of this world is ugly. And some of that ugly contains beautiful pieces that just need a little extra backup. We all wanna talk about change, and equality, and expansion, but we continue to look down on those struggling. Some demons aren’t very forgiving…and most leave you with a character change…but does it have to all be bad? Or can seeing the world for what it is actually give you some sort of advantage in life? Life is about choices; it’s about personal choices…and personal choices will always somehow impact another person’s life. And for some it might be impossible to understand that or to realize that…and it only takes a given point for one moment to change everything.

Like I said, through the healing process I found my way back to the good ones. And by doing that, I realized that life isn’t that bad after all. And I am slowly starting to realize that maybe it (being my past) doesn't all have to be for nothing. See, there are so many fucking things wrong with this world…and in my opinion it starts with everyone keeping their mouth shut about the bad things they have outgrown. And why? I seriously struggle to understand that part. Why does who we were have to hold such a heavy burden over who we are? Is it because we don’t forgive ourselves or is it because we don’t forgive others? Are we spending too much time only understanding the life we live, rather than trying to learn the lives others live? Is history becoming something we are trying to prove correct, or can the good ones find a way to rally their troops together to prevent it from reoccurring - with the vengeance it carries? If you ask me, we are all simply frowning upon the wrong type of people. 

I previously mentioned that I was the Captian of my soccer team in my younger days…I played on the same team for a very long time and we all basically grew up together. Well, I started as a forward and as I got older my coach realized I was stronger as a defender. From there I had to learn how to lead my team from the back…rather than from the front. Years later…and I’m talking when I started my admin role, I watched my superior carry the same kinda tactic. See, the VP of my (previous) company believes in the very same thing - and I watched him lead from within the entire time I worked for the company. It’s weird timing but it took my very last “stance” at work for me to be able to slow down enough to remember how badly I broke when I experienced my first traumatic event. And that one event, at one point broke my very young being…and at that moment I had thought it would always be a broken experience…but today I am wondering if really I had just spent the last 16 years forgetting who I really was - because I never let myself get over that…I simply just stuffed it because I never had anyone to talk to about it. And eventually I even tricked myself into “moving on” into my next chapter…which was less than I was before I lost who I was.

Time isn’t always on your side. And when time is on your side, maybe the stars just don’t align. And it’s important to remember that some people live like that every single day of their life, because they never catch a break. And eventually people like that become bitter - even when they truly are good decent human-beings. Why are we letting it get that far? Are we giving the wrong people the right chances based on the wrong ideas of right and wrong? Are we depending on the wrong people in our most desperate moments, thinking we are “doing the right thing” simply because history (aka all of our past moments put into our previous times) says it’s right?  And why are we thinking like that anyways? Would our present look so scary for our youth if we were really doing such a good job at doing the right thing? We are all clearly failing somewhere - because shit isn’t adding up. 

I’m not trying to let my kiddos go out the way some of these other kids are going out. I don’t want that for my kids, or your kids, or our kids. Take it personal. We’ve all been through something that we aren’t proud of, right? Try to humble yourself here. Just because it isn’t something you are or have personally experienced, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist somewhere within the world, to another human being. And we shouldn’t be teaching out kids to only exist within their own world - because our world is bigger than that. And that is how we should be approaching every situation within every day, in my opinion at least. Can you slow down enough to think about it in every single moment you are in? Is your next move going to make a better - and bigger - difference? Or could the aftermath it might present be adding to part of the existing problem? And do we have to define what the exact problem is? Or can we all just believe that clearly a problem exists, somewhere within our world?

Having a voice matters. And it’s more than important to remember that sometimes voices don’t exist within situations, but they exists within other moments that are made by other people. Sometimes things are going to get blown to shit. And people somewhere are going to pay the price for it. And sometimes, the exact opposite is going to happen - just by chance. Sometimes, what you have been holding onto can actually be what saves you - years down the road; you just have to make it happen. And that may be impossible for you to realize or understand in the moment you are living in. Things got dark for awhile, for me. And they still are very much cloudy. But some days are getting better. And their is more laughter in my day than their previously was - even when I thought I really had my shit together. I have learned that I have a fucking point to prove…and it is something that I spent way to long learning...

You should never allow another person to take away your inner self. And that is something we should be instilling in our kids. We have to teach our kids to stand up more than they sit down. It doesn’t have to be led with so much anger. If the kind ones don’t stand up with their point to prove, the angry ones are going to start speaking up more and more…and haven’t we all witnessed enough of that? I know I have spent way to long sitting back and watching life play out in front of me to not start speaking up a little. And I am starting to realize that it has less to do with the hurt that I once wished upon those that hurt me and more to do with what happens in the future to those that still stand a chance - aka the good ones.

Keep in mind - just because people are smiling, doesn’t mean that they are actually okay. And just because someone is acting “a little crazy”, doesn’t mean they are actually an unsafe person. And people do deserve a chance to speak…because sometimes that is the only thing that they are holding onto in that very moment. Sometimes, that one chance was/is all someone needed to finally stand up to their scariest devil. And taking that away from someone is one thing…but simply not giving it to someone is another. And we don’t have to let the angry people be the ones holding all of the power. We don’t need more of that. It is seriously speading so quickly that our kids are paying the price at school - and I’m not okay with that. 

Don’t be okay with that. Don’t shake your head at what you are witnessing at the world. Humble your damn self and remember what got you to the point you are standing in. Even the strongest people in the world fall down sometimes. And even the weakest shine during the darkest hour. If you can’t stand in their shoes, imagine that their existence is one that you have yet to learn..and in those moments, take a second to learn their life - before you judge it from a different perspective.