#dabrain

On your last breath, how strong would you be? How long could/would you keep swimming, IF it meant you would live to breath one-more-day? Let’s think Titanic gone Gods of the Galaxy, taking down the bad in Harry Potter…where in the world could I be going with this one? Um’-On, Daisy…Get real, already - this is Dora Finding Nemo. What I am saying - asking rather - is when you are at your very lowest/scariest/hardest/weakest moment - in a sink-or-swim scenario - how far would you be able to swim? Well, because I’m me, and we are - healing-while-writing/reading  (and I had me a mini-painting therapy sesh since I started this…) Anyways, think with me…go back to Disney and how we prepare our kids for their first dream crush (Rudolph <= Santa.)…only to keep crushing their creative_and_ever_so_growing brains as they turn into teenagers. Eventually those kids have to fly - with or without us - and as parents, we gotta teach our babes how to fly - Because at some point, they are going flyn with or without your ass. 

Now keep rolling…backwards. As adults, we can’t continue to blame our parents for doing their damn best, with what they had at the time. That’s the thing with trauma - it exists within generations. And it exists within science…and education…and learning from the past. At some point, our parents have to become our friends….even though we are born-braised-and-raised to believe the opposite is true. My past kept me from allowing myself the opportunity to let go of some other things (aka - let your brain run wild with me, I’ve lost a lot), like missing people - my ol’ school homies - that I didn’t realize I could find, without looking. 

This is where trauma gets tricky…and don’t get me wrong. I ain’t no doctor…but I have dealt with it personally, so I am breaking it down - from the opposite kind of angle. Sometimes we have more than we even know. And sometimes the hurt feels so strongly, that some of the bad portions start slowly creeping up. You guys…in the midst of my wildest-fucking-break-down, I basically mind-mapped the darkest_days_of_my_past, like the things you are taking to your grave with you (from your rents, that is), and gave it to my dad in an effort of letting him help me pick up the pieces…so jokes on me - or was at first. Now, I am trying to laugh in the humility of the entire awkward experience that we shall never speak about…because that’s how it went in my house. Come back to family now - because, sometimes, when nothing else exists, your family is there holding the pieces and helping you glue them back together.

And that’s actually where I learned how to be so strong. See, crazy story about a super-hero type of man that raised my dad…His name was Edward Hergott and he was my Grandpa. He was a man of few words, at least around me, but he didn’t always have to say very much. And I don’t know the whole story - so long story short, he was honored with a Purple Heart from the time he served with the Army - for basically telling his commanding officer to stand the fuck down - in order to save his troop  I never got to say goodbye to him (from cancer years and years later, like well into my life) but I do believe in a certain type of reincarnation, the Disney Moana version of course - and I know if he were still here in some type of way, that he wouldn’t have any question where his Wonder-Woman-n-en granddaughter would end up at. 

And that comes back to blood - and some being thicker than others. You don’t have to go out like whatever you are currently at. You can always find a way to grow. To Co-Exist with the other-side. To at the very fucking least, be more understanding of. We all have things that are burning inside of us. We all have things from our past that we are not the most proud of. And we can either live with those things or we can learn to let go of them. 

Did you know that your brain’s storage capacity is considered virtually unlimited? I like to think that I have a pretty exceptional brain…Really, WE all have exceptional brains. The brain itself is an EXCEPTIONAL muscle. Rhetorically speaking, I have a question for you all…When your kid does something 100% down-right-stupid, how many of you (you = parents) respond with something along the lines of “WHAT IN THE H.E.L.L. WERE YOU THINKING?!” AND how many of you follow that initial response with some kind of knee-jerk-reaction kind of punishment, such as, “YOU ARE GROUNDED” or ”GET TO YOUR ROOM”? Let me tell you a fun/little/fact about the way our brain “grows up” with us...

Your brain isn't fully formed until age 25. Brain development begins from the back of the brain and works its way to the front. Therefore, your frontal lobes, which control planning and reasoning, are the last to strengthen and structure connections.

Keep it real with yourself…and I will keep it real with you. My oldest kid is 5 and there are so many times I find myself asking him the “what are you thinking” question. And 10 years from now, when he is 15, I am sure I will find myself yelling (or at least wanting too) those exact same secondary thoughts, MY thoughts turned reaction, AT him. Before we go any further, I am going to share one more fun fact with you -

One of the biggest differences researchers have found between adults and adolescents is the pre-frontal cortex. This part of the brain is still developing in teens and doesn’t complete its growth until approximately early to mid 20’s. The prefrontal cortex performs reasoning, planning, judgment, and impulse control, necessities for being an adult. Without the fully development prefrontal cortex, a teen might make poor decisions and lack the inability to discern whether a situation is safe. Teens tend to experiment with risky behavior and don’t fully recognize the consequences of their choices.

My point is, we all have expectations. And we all have some SERIOUS expectations that we raise GOOD/SOLID/SMART members of society before we release them into the wild. But - that isn’t, or shouldn’t, be the point. I mean - yes, it should, BUT, people & kiddos make SOLID FUCKING MISTAKES sometimes. And sometimes, they need more than a SOLID PUNISHMENT. Sometimes, they just need us to listen and understand. And BE FUCKING REAL…you made the same damn mistakes when you were their age too. And if you didn’t turn out okay, it is most likely because you made a different choice NOT TO TURN OUT OKAY. 

We need to break this down more as parents. Or at least take more of the responsibility for the shit that is going on in our world right now. We need to understand that what we “do” to our kids at home, is taught and instilled in their itty-bity-less-than-full-grown brains and then they take that “behavior” to school and out with their friends. Kids don’t typically just become bullies. They don’t typically just show up to school with a gun and decide to end another’s life. Kids are born good/solid/smart human-beings and it’s our behavior, and less than mature selves, that mold them. 

Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying ignore the bad moments and let the kids rule the world by doing whatever-da-fuq-dey-want. All I am saying, is that sometimes, punishment and discipline isn’t the answer. Sometimes, the bad behavior, is caused by mental health issues - aka issues within the brain. To be blunt, I am saying, sometimes, you need to shut the fuck up at home and listen to your kids. Ask your kids different questions. Raise them to be kind, rather than smart. Mold them to be strong themselves, even when they fuck up. Prepare them to “fly” for when it comes time to let them.