#growyou

How many out there are actually perfect? And never, ever make a human error? Never make a mistake? Never do something that you would give anything to take back? I sure try to be perfect…it’s actually one of my downfalls. I strive and strive for perfection and for some reason always fall down a little when I realize perfection is impossible.  It’s part of  life - and we all gotta live through it. I’ve spent a majority of my life wishing that I was anybody but myself. It’s not that I never loved myself, or who I was inside. It was more that I always wanted more. Even in my darkest and ugliest days, I still found myself dreaming of more. It did feel more impossible in those days, but the vision still existed. Once I started rebuilding my life, and got the job that saved me, I let my hustle lead my life; and outside of being a mom, work was the only thing I had. It was great for awhile. I enjoyed working my ass off AND I was good at it. It showed, of course, and I moved up pretty quickly… at least once I realized that I could only kill an entry level Administrative Assistant position for so long - even if it was for the VP of the company. I loved my job and I hated leaving that position/role…and I seriously had a hard time accepting that it was time to move on to a new bigger_and_better role (within the same company), mostly because I felt like I was betraying what I had spent 2 years building. 

The VP eventually “forgave” me for leaving his side (joking, of course) and I was able to forgive myself for actually leaving his side. It ended up being the best decision that I made, simply because I got to start using more of my brain power with the new gig - and I really enjoyed that. To be honest, it was the first time since high-school that I had used my brain for anything other than killing the cells that existed within and really it gave me a purpose for the first time in a long while. The problem was that it didn’t take long for my job to become my newest addiction. Eventually I became nothing short of a workaholic… and of course, my leadership team didn’t mind, especially when it never had to come out of their pocket. I didn’t mind at first, because it gave me something to do. I’m a minimalist and the bucks were short, which means internet and Cable TV (for-fucking-sure) wasn’t in the budget.  I did eventually get internet as the world was changing before our eyes…and working from home became a perk of my job. And let me tell you! This was great..again, at first. It started with 2 days a week, turned to 3, and before I knew it, COVID hit and I was working from home every day of the week. To make sure we all stay on the same page, I want to express how much I love working from home. There is literally nothing better in the world - at least if you have to have the sit-in-a-cubicle kind of desk-job. Basically, if I was going to be staring at a computer for a majority of every single day, I want to at least do it in the comfort of my own home - in a hoodie and baggy sweats. 2 years later, when I became a Manager, I realized that the time that I had thought I had “overspent” was actually my greatest advantage - simply because  I had already built all the relationships with the rest of management as an entry level admin for one of the big wigs…

Shortly into COVID, the company I worked for started taking a huge hit - talking the employee vs loss ratio game . Before anyone knew it, the good ones started dropping like flys and their work started piling up on the ones remaining. I hung on for a very very long time because I thought I could help save "their basement from flooding”. I’m a single mama of 2 boys, and one of the dad’s isn’t around to help, which means that I rarely ever get a break and if I do, it is at night after the boys go down for bed. Even when I was going through some major PTSD episodes at home, and some seriously intense therapy to recover from that past, I still left that shit at the door  - every single day - because that’s what the world expects. Anyways, eventually that started  to break the company simply because it started breaking the individuals that remained within. - and they aren’t willing to take ownership until it was too late. Listen - the “perk” of working from home is only a benefit if you work under leadership that truly believes in a work/life type of balance - more than they believe in a “serving the company” type of way. And it is sure to fail when workload doubles the whole 40 hour work-week expectation -  especially when exceptional employees are striving to give their damn best - every single day - simply at the sacrifice of doing what is best for the entire company…And what happens when “LEADERship” becomes so busy taking care of their own day-to-day 8am-5pm tasks that they forget to monitor the workload vs hour vs pay ratio of those on their team? SOLID GOOD PEOPLE will slowly start leaving to find better - you know, to find something more equal to their actual ethic - and the remaining will take the hit - over and over again - until they can no longer take it.    

 And here’s where mental health comes into play in this chapter and why it is on leaderships plate to make matter.

You don’t know what people are going through at home, or in their own head, at any given moment. Some people live within abusive relationships and show up at work the next day like everything is just peachy. Some people struggle with depression and can hardly make it out of bed in the morning - but they can’t afford to get fired. Look, we could continue with the “some people…” for pages and pages but let’s keep it real. The truth is we don’t know what other people’s trauma is. And we don’t know what everyone is holding in (or onto for that matter) - for the “Greater Good of the Business is Business" etiquette that we all carry. And that is/should be respected because it has to be…but the other side is even more true. People’s mental health has to matter - MORE. We all go through shit that we don’t talk about. You do. I do. We all have. And we all should do a better job of remembering that part of moving on from things and healing from past traumas is learning how to let go and move on. And if we gotta hold that shit in during the 8am-5pm working day, then we for sure need the time at night to be able to unravel.

At the end of the day, we all focus more on being happy. That’s at least what we are all out here striving for, right? We all know how easy it is to throw on a smile. And we all know how easy it is to stare at someone that is smiling and automatically assume that they are happy. It is in our human nature. And you guys - fake smiling can even trick your brain a little into being happier. But we all go through more than we are willing admit. And there are stages to healing. And it comes in waves sometimes. And what might be fine one day, could be the total opposite the next day. And unless you are the person going through it, you don’t understand it - because those are not your shoes walking in it. And taking advantage of that is wrong. People actually matter more than money. And what they are going through should matter. And it shouldn’t matter who you used to be or are currently. Doing the right thing, in the right moment, will always matter more and doing it kindly is like BEAST_MODE Bonus Points. 

If we all started caring more about what is actually on the inside, and less about what we see on the outside, we might just find that we are all a little fucked up at best and that it’s okay to break sometimes - as long as you don’t unpack your bags there. Basically, always get back up - even when you fall. And even if no-one is there to catch you. Sometimes in order to fly, you have to fall. And if the people around you don’t understand that, then you don’t need them - even if you want them. And if you can’t understand that, you should quietly sit down and let the others lead the way.