#blamehate

Remember how I told you all about my best friend? The bird box girl/boy version that has tats all over his face? And remember how I told you that when we are together, I sit back and watch the way others look down on him? Well, it seems like it doesn’t bother him…and idk, maybe it doesn’t…or maybe he just hides it deep within….OR MAYBE he has just experienced the dirty looks and mistreated fronts for so long that he came to accept others for WHO THEY ARE. Look I’ve been in his shoes. And because of my past - I still live in his shoes - just not as much, and in different ways. Personally speaking, it still really bugs me when I experience it and I am working towards not letting it bother me…but it still does -> BECAUSE HOW FUCKING RUDE? And we all wonder why society is falling apart... - or maybe it’s just me and I really am Sneaker Ella > gone Wonder Woman > living on a planet that is slowly burning to the fucking ground...

Anyways, Ima back it up here because I have shit to share - at least for those in the back that are trying to deceive your degrading fucking eyes. Take a trip to my past with me - to my very, very, bad days - you know the ones where I was shooting up heroin in da hood…slowly going from the walking-junkie to the walking-dead-junkie. Oh and if you haven’t ever over-dosed on opiates via junkie-lifestyle, you may not get that expression. Basically, there is a fine_and_very_thin line between being a junkie and being dead. And right before the dead part, there is an even thinner line of time, where you know you are close as fuck to dying, and you even look dead, but you are very much kicking and breathing. Slow it down now...

Using drugs typically starts off as fun & games…and it is fun until you realize that you are playing Russian Roulette with the Devil and you accidentally end up getting addicted. From there, it continues to be a choice, BUT (big but, literally) once you are addicted, the game changes. The fun is gone, the devil is 10 hands up, and you are 10 ft underwater, barley breathing through an empty straw. And sweet babes, from there - the choices you start making, start coming with higher-paying consequences - and you technically don’t even realize it at the exact moment you probably should/or/need to…and that’s because you on another fucking level, in a not-so-hot way. 

Branch out and mind-map this with me. We goin different ways now. Once you hit the point of using needles as a way to main-line drugs straight into your veins, basically like you're some sort of fucking doctor, the aftermath you have been causing starts to turn into different levels of ROCK-BOTTOM…and that little da-weeb devil is just sitting back and watching to see which bottom will be the rock that takes your ass out. See, eventually, good people will stop putting up with the bad people, aka the ones that choose to do bad things to good people, and your life-float will being to sink. 

Here is something that some of those people in the back don’t know…the road you are currently on can always get darker. And there is always a chance that you can become something or someone that you are currently judging. What I mean, is that back before I was living as a homeless junkie, with a bunch of other homeless junkies, in a house without food or fucking hot water, I never thought that was a possible bottom for me. I was seriously a frequent flyer at the closest rehab and somehow I honestly still didn’t think I would_or_could ever end up there. Whatever is more than impossible, that is what it was. It couldn’t and wouldn’t happen to me. You all know the sayings we all use too fucking often…well jokes on your fucking ass because It always can…and if it does, you should feel much lower than your new “friends”.

Here’s the deal-li-o - while people sit there and judge - aka sit there with those sideways lookin faces - other people are getting hurt. FEELINGS GET PASSED ON FROM OTHER PEOPLE'S THOUGHTS AND/OR LOOKS. And yes, some people have the super-human ability to let that shit slide, but most people are just putting on a front for the time being. 

End game - for this post at least - is kinda a plot twist in itself. Sometimes, in order to feel something for others, you have to have gone through it yourself. And if you haven’t, maybe you aren’t needed on scene. And if you find yourself sitting in the back with your head down - maybe this ain’t your rodeo. All you do is pass hate when you judge. And if you haven’t lived it, you don’t deserve a seat, cause you falling short yourself. Stand back and let the good ones out to play. Because if we bring enough of the right-kind-of-good-teams together, the bad doesn’t stand a chance. 

We’ve all heard the saying - Pay it forward. We all understand what that saying means, even though I personally feel less and less of it happens every single day. And maybe that’s the problem - as a whole. Rhetorical pop quiz…and go! 

1. What happened to paying it forward?  2. Why is there more evil than good these days?Answers - Z) Maybe we should start paying it backwards first…and then forward. 

New sayings need new definitions so lets do that together... 

I am a giver, by default. It literally makes me happy to see other people happy. And giving tends to do that - basically it's a bittersweet kind of asset because I end up forgetting to make myself happy. Look - our world obviously needs to be flipped upside down right quick and shaken like the globe it is, so they can rearrange our marbles just a tad. We have too many bad people doing gruesome things to other humans and too many GOOD KIND PEOPLE sitting on separate teams. Why? Personally, I think it’s judgement. I think we are paying for things in the wrong way and they are coming out with bad choices.  

Alright…break it down. What happens when we start judging others? And how do you think it feels to the person who can see the judgement written all over your face? I used to get bothered by the judgement passed to me by others…JUST KIDDING - I still totally do…just not as much. See, it wasn’t that long ago that I GAVE others the power to control MY LIFE strictly by their thoughts of me…SAY WHAT?! I know. Don’t get me started. But it’s true. And after my recent quarter-life-crisis, I seriously almost want to put my house up for sale just because I feel my neighbors saw too much of who I am at my weakest moments. But isn’t that what they are for? Isn’t HOME where YOUR HEART should be worn on your sleeve? 

Last month - I made 1…just ONE, goal. And it was to make myself feel better by getting all dolled up…every single fucking day. It was fun for awhile…and putting on my fake face made it easier to hide my other fake face…but how fucking exhausting. Side note - I am not a makeup and bows type of chick. I am more the tom-boy who doesn’t wear much make up, if any,  and sweats/pony-tales are more my thing. I literally dressed myself up in makeup and cute clothes, walking around smiling like I was Sneaker Ella, the Disney princess. In reality I was/am still in DON’T FUCKING CRASH & BURN mode, and those that saw me in public (and didn’t know my story) would have never guessed that I was hurting so badly inside.

That’s my point though. To really all of this. If the judgement would just stop, some of the hate would follow with it. We teach kids to be afraid of strangers, not situations. We teach kids to be scared of a “crazy” person that is suffering with mental illness. And then we instill all of these actions/behaviors into our children by modeling the behavior ourselves. And then kids grow up and go on thinking that it's just how the world turns. Oh - and here comes hate following the fear and then all of a sudden kids are killing kids, kids are killing themselves, and the aftermath is spreading like wild-fire, from all angles.

It’s almost like in order to change the future, we have to change the past. And because that is literally impossible, we have to change the way we live. And to do that, we have to individually change the way we think. By changing the way you think, you allow others to see you changing - and when others see you changing, it gives them the opportunity to rise up as well. Sometimes, people can’t see the good in the world. And we shouldn’t be judging that or thinking less than. We should realize that some people are smile-breaking and some people are down right breaking for the world to witness. We should intend to pass along kindness - not things. We should intend to be humble and imagine others might be experiencing battles that one cannot actually see on the outside. If someone is sad, maybe they have a solid reason. And if they are mad - maybe you should give them a fucking minute to calm their own body down. Feelings are normal. People have psychotic breaks. People go through things that some cannot even pronounce. Medications are available and prescribed by licensed doctors to help make things more manageable. Resources are out there, and with technology these days, they are available at your fingertips.

Have you heard the saying - "God’s plan is better than yours?” I guess that depends who your kind is, and what kinda things you believe they or it can do. These days, I find myself dreaming more of a Captain America & Wonder Woman type of Co-God, rather than believing in just one specific LORD ALL-FREAKING-MIGHTY type —which makes my more-than-complicated-type-of-brain beg to ask the next question….What if…just if, YOUR plan was “God’s Purpose” in the Fight For Kind and Bring Good type of world? Take a shot here with me…twist the words, so to say. What’s the point of frowning so heavily on the black sheep of the world? Look, we all know we do it. We all know that we place judgement on others, and we all know we tend to heavily look down on those who make OR PREVIOUSLY MADE the wrong decisions. 

I livED a life that was full of hurt&regret…for myself and those that gave even 1 shit about me. I FUCKED up my life - for a good amount of time. - and those I cared deeply about got hurt by the explosive aftermath. And I’ve carried that weight, the weight of my past, on my shoulders for far too long. The reasoning for that? ...because I continued to let others judgement of ME determine that I wasn’t enough for myself, even 5 years into a healthier and happier lifestyle. I let the continued looks of disapproval from others determine that I wasn’t brave enough to venture far from “home”. I let others who knew too much about my past determine that I wasn’t equipped enough to fight for right and wrong. I let my fear of fucking up, again, determine that my voice wasn’t loud enough and that it def didn’t deserve to be heard. 

Let me tell you something you guys - and this is coming from “the black sheep” within my own family - there is no judgement that you can pass along, that is harsher than the judgement being passed along from “a fuck-up” or someone fucking up than they are passing along to themselves.  

Now - let’s get real. I am a single mom of 2 kiddos, who rightfully smokes weed in my free-time, even in my happier and healthier life-style days. And my drug dealer, aka my living-breathing-AND WALKING pharmacist, was born a girl, made the life choice to identify as a male, and has tattoos on his face/neck/head and some serious fucking piercings. And you should see some of the looks WE get when her bird-bopping Uncle BirdBox ass comes over to my house. And don’t worry - I made sure he was cool with the Uncle BirdBox nickname before I graciously granted him with it. Oh and to get to the point, and what makes this funny - and part of this post - is that my “drug-dealer” aka my BEST friend, is/was the only person who sat with me INSIDE MY MESSY DIRTY INSANE BREAKDOWN WORLD and didn’t judge me one fucking time. And that person, just happens to wear his appearance differently, and also happens to provide the one thing (other than my prescribed medication) that helps keep me sane in my insanity. I literally sit next to this person and watch others look, and pass judgements - even if they are harmless in their head. You may have guessed it…he is and was and probs always will be the black sleep of his family. 

Here is the MAJOR point - Why do we frown upon the less than? And for those judging so harshly - what makes your look or walk so much straighter? And Why is your (and my) boring and ever so fucking basic look(s) better than his cultured looking self? Honestly, I find so much courage within this one soul because damn he does it so fucking proudly. Sometimes, there is beauty in the broken. Sometimes, when you thought you had no-one, you find that really good people do exist within this world…and sometimes you find really good fucking friends within your worst broken&alone_feeling moments.

We gotta stop falling for the shit people wear on the out-side. It isn’t that hard to pretend that you can walk the good walk. Sometimes - you gotta look within. And I’m talking outward here. Stop passing hate along with your damn judgements. Try to walk with me, at least, because I AM still learning to understand everything myself. Try to understand their walk, their reason, their why - aka their fucking purpose - before you give that sketchy side-eyed look. Why? Because we got a lot of people out here walking around like they are happy [me included] and inside they are breaking and can’t wait to get within their own lonely walls. 

JUDGE YOURSELF HARDER TO FIND YOUR OWN WAY…BUT STOP PASSING SO MUCH JUDGEMENT ON OTHERS. Who knows, they might just deserve a better chance at life than the one you are so graciously living…

Did you know that your brain’s storage capacity is considered virtually unlimited? I like to think that I have a pretty exceptional brain…Really, WE all have exceptional brains. The brain itself is an EXCEPTIONAL muscle. Rhetorically speaking, I have a question for you all…When your kid does something 100% down-right-stupid, how many of you (you = parents) respond with something along the lines of “WHAT IN THE H.E.L.L. WERE YOU THINKING?!” AND how many of you follow that initial response with some kind of knee-jerk-reaction kind of punishment, such as, “YOU ARE GROUNDED” or ”GET TO YOUR ROOM”? Let me tell you a fun/little/fact about the way our brain “grows up” with us...

Your brain isn't fully formed until age 25. Brain development begins from the back of the brain and works its way to the front. Therefore, your frontal lobes, which control planning and reasoning, are the last to strengthen and structure connections.

Keep it real with yourself…and I will keep it real with you. My oldest kid is 5 and there are so many times I find myself asking him the “what are you thinking” question. And 10 years from now, when he is 15, I am sure I will find myself yelling (or at least wanting too) those exact same secondary thoughts, MY thoughts turned reaction, AT him. Before we go any further, I am going to share one more fun fact with you -

One of the biggest differences researchers have found between adults and adolescents is the pre-frontal cortex. This part of the brain is still developing in teens and doesn’t complete its growth until approximately early to mid 20’s. The prefrontal cortex performs reasoning, planning, judgment, and impulse control, necessities for being an adult. Without the fully development prefrontal cortex, a teen might make poor decisions and lack the inability to discern whether a situation is safe. Teens tend to experiment with risky behavior and don’t fully recognize the consequences of their choices.

My point is, we all have expectations. And we all have some SERIOUS expectations that we raise GOOD/SOLID/SMART members of society before we release them into the wild. But - that isn’t, or shouldn’t, be the point. I mean - yes, it should, BUT, people & kiddos make SOLID FUCKING MISTAKES sometimes. And sometimes, they need more than a SOLID PUNISHMENT. Sometimes, they just need us to listen and understand. And BE FUCKING REAL…you made the same damn mistakes when you were their age too. And if you didn’t turn out okay, it is most likely because you made a different choice NOT TO TURN OUT OKAY. 

We need to break this down more as parents. Or at least take more of the responsibility for the shit that is going on in our world right now. We need to understand that what we “do” to our kids at home, is taught and instilled in their itty-bity-less-than-full-grown brains and then they take that “behavior” to school and out with their friends. Kids don’t typically just become bullies. They don’t typically just show up to school with a gun and decide to end another’s life. Kids are born good/solid/smart human-beings and it’s our behavior, and less than mature selves, that mold them. 

Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying ignore the bad moments and let the kids rule the world by doing whatever-da-fuq-dey-want. All I am saying, is that sometimes, punishment and discipline isn’t the answer. Sometimes, the bad behavior, is caused by mental health issues - aka issues within the brain. To be blunt, I am saying, sometimes, you need to shut the fuck up at home and listen to your kids. Ask your kids different questions. Raise them to be kind, rather than smart. Mold them to be strong themselves, even when they fuck up. Prepare them to “fly” for when it comes time to let them.