I feel like I have been trained my whole life to be a ghost that is merely present.
I don’t want to be seen, I don’t want to be perceived, I don’t want nobody to hear nor acknoweledge me. I want to be there without really being there.
I wish I was a fly sometimes, I would be there but nobody would try to talk to me or try to establish a connection with me.
Growing up I learned that the less I am perceived, the less problems I would face and the less in danger I would be.
Being a grown up now this protection-mechanism sadly doesn’t serve me anymore and it still keeps me from being a ‘normal’ human being, humanizing through the world.
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i just did this rejection sensitivity questionnaire and i got 56/60 points. i’m a fucking mimosa leaf. i know there is a lot of overlap between personality disorders and things like untreated adhd and cptsd so who knows. i’m just so confused and don’t currently have access to adhd diagnosis, which is not covered by insurance for adults. but i’m starting to think all this is due to untreated adhd.
there were signs in my childhood, but esp. as a girl it was pretty much ignored. and my parents were very anti-mental health treatments. guess who was getting prayers and pats on the back as a depression cure. guess who was being told to just smile and think positively. idk man i feel burntout and tired 🫠
anyway, try the questionnaire and feel free to share what you got.
i'm trying to put my new "thoughts" and "findings" about AvPD into words and coherent sentences and i find it nearly impossible. i have a plan, i want to try something new, but i don't know how to explain it all. maybe i can try a list:
disclaimer: this is just a list with things i want to do for myself not medical advice or some tried and tested key on how to solve avpd or anything like that 😭
i noticed that many who suffer with AvPD have an extremely negative view of themselves (their "self" if you will) including me of course
our "self" was wounded through trauma, abuse, neglect, being ostracized or abandoned etc...
the fear, inhibition, anxiety, feeling unappealing, etc... we struggle with is a result of having a self that is wounded, not the personality in of itself
moving through this world with a "self" that is not strong enough to support us causes us to appear that way
we internalized our abusers view of ourselves, leading to the "wounded self" and extremely negative view of self
and that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy since a wounded self leads to avoidance, retreat and isolation
it's just natural to want to protect yourself and feel safe if you feel your "self" is so fragile and makes you easily attackable
but that then leads to more feelings of inadequacy which leads to more avoidance etc...
the relational self atrophies over time and we feel worse as time goes on
i wrote about that here and also here
but still, there is no point in superficially forming connections with people (be they friendships, jobs, relationships, etc...) without taking care of that wounded self first
if the wounded self isn't, i don't want to use the word "healed" here, but let's say filled with more positive view of itself, all that happens is that you take the negative view of self wherever you go
wherever you go, there you are, as they say
it simply leads to self-sabotage, ghosting and feelings of inadequacy etc... just in a new surrounding
or you mask up in order to fit in, which is not tenable over time
especially with relationships you will sooner or later have to reveal your truly vulnerable side, which requires shedding of the mask, which is when people with AvPD usually bail
if anything those are the stories of AvPD that scare me the most, people who through sheer grit and hard work manage to reach their goals and then end up abandoning it all, because nothing has changed and the feelings of adequacy are still there and they can only keep up the facade for so long
people quit jobs they worked hard to get, ghost their friends and dump loving partners to return to the solitude and isolation they think they deserve (due to the negative self view)
so what is to do?
the "self" needs to be strengthened, but how do that?
this is also about mitigating shame
for once i have a bit of a plan: i believe that our sense of self consists in part of our own self-view, but also of the feedback we get from the outside world in regards to said "self"
i wrote about that here
the relational self has to be propped up and filled up with positive feedback we get from the outside world
genuine positive feedback to override the negative views the self holds about itself
this has to be done over and over again until it sticks
one part is of course how i self-talk and think/envision myself.
things like mindfulness, self-care (not through products, but genuine things i do for myself) etc...
the other part is the outside world
i'm still trying to figure out how to do this while also mitigating possible negative feedback i could receive
since there is no controlling what others do or feel
i don't think that is ever the point, in fact it is important to get away from the idea of thinking one can control others through our behaviour
either way, negative feedback does not mean their feedback has to be internalized, no?
and knowing how to handle the negative feedback one might get is crucial, as to not further entrench the negative self view and make things worse
but i think the idea of overriding the old (negative view) neural pathways is crucial
and it can be the smallest of small steps, just as long as something is happening
at least that is my plan for now so turn that negative self view into something more positive, one neural pathway at a time
i want to set some goals for myself for every week
sensible goals to slowly dig myself out of this hole
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AvPD Thing
I will call myself crazy in front of others just to excuse myself beforehand in case that if I (subjectively) show some ‘weird’ behaviours - I could go back to - ‘I told folks - I was crazy.’
i‘ve been thinking about fear and avoidance again (cw: animal suffering)
there is a video on youtube of a little cat that stops eating after it‘s abandoned by it‘s owner. no matter what the people at the shelter do, it won‘t even open it‘s mouth for specially made chicken. the cat ends up emaciated and in the end they have to take it to the vet and put on an iv, but it still won‘t eat.
i always cry when i watch this video, not only because i empathise with the cat. but because it really illustrates trauma well. yes, cats are animals and don‘t have the same brains as us. but they do have comparable nervous systems and for this little cat that was bonded with it‘s owner, being abandoned lead to it reacting in a way that is similar to how a human would react. it simply shut down, was stressed and refused to trust. and it’s absolute refusal to eat, reminded me of my absolute need for avoidance. it doesn’t matter how "delicious" the meal set it in front of me is, i just can’t and won’t eat. and with the cats, since it‘s an animal, all i can think is, all these fears, avoidance, depression, it‘s so much deeper than conscious thought. it‘s nothing to be ashamed of, because it‘s nothing we have any say over, it‘s happening at a deeper level than we have conscious access to. it‘s our bodies doing their natural thing. it might not be beneficial for us, but it‘s also not our fault, it‘s a reaction to stress, shock, trauma.
and the story of the little cat has a happy ending, a woman decides to foster it and give him a forever home. after lots and lots of love and careful bonding with him, he finally begins to eat again. the woman ends up adopting him and it‘s a happy end.
and in the end i feel like this is what it takes, not the most delicious meal, but an environment that is safe enough for you to actually sit down and eat. people who help you create this space of trust and safety.
idk if this makes sense to anyone else, but it somehow does to me. if you‘ve read this far, thank you!
