Fuck having ASPD honestly. Hate that my default state is "nobody's gonna take care of me so I gotta do it myself" and "nobody will want to keep me and I will always be alone". Hate that someone who does want to keep me is not an Exception and kinda irritates me even though I love her, but my actual main Exception does not really want to keep me at all
Like how bullshit is it that I find someone who I actually care deeply about, feel bad about lying to purely because I lied to them and nothing else, and want to be around a lot, and they probably won't keep me. It's bullshit that I want them to keep me and they probably won't. It's bullshit that I don't even know if that's legit how they think because my personality is so disordered I can't conceptualize anyone wanting someone in their lives past their convenience
Why the hell do I gotta go my entire life unable to form attachments but when I do feel such rage at the concept of abandonment that I feel like a child throwing a tantrum because daddy doesn't wanna talk to me and mommy thinks I'm evil
Honestly I'm so torn between enjoying that I'm attached to this person and being enraged that I'm attached to anyone at all