#askadvice

Hi,

So what you’re describing is pretty much a homoromantic asexual! Which is actually really common.

You can find more information on the AVEN website it’s a forum for asexual people of all types and all ages!

Hope this helped.

Hi,

What you’re describing is actually a lot more common than you would think. I’m no sexuality expert but if you feel androromantic hetersoexual best suits you and that’s what you’re comfortable with then that’s what you are. You also could be a biromantic hetersoexual but just generally prefer masculine looking people, either way it’s completely normal. And remember sexuality is fluid and labels can change but you also don’t need a label to accept yourself.

This is a tough one. Liking the opposite sex when being bi or pan doesn’t make you any less bi or pan. Bisexual or pansexual people in “hetero” relationships are still very much bisexual or pansexual.

If it’s because of what other people may think that you’re “faking it” or something on those lines I would ignore them. I think the best way to accept it is try not to stress yourself. You’re not any less of a label just because of what others may think or perceive of you.

As for the shame part. There’s nothing to be ashamed about liking the opposite sex, bi/pansexuality is your identity, and liking the opposite sex is part of bi/pansexuality- no matter how frequent or infrequent.

I have bottled up any emotions for so long that I don’t know how to talk about them, I don’t know anything. I’m very dumb, and awkward. I hate talking about my problems because I don’t feel like anyone can help me, I don’t even know if my problems are valid, and it’s SO hard to talk about my emotions because no one gets it. No matter how hard I try nothing comes out and honestly I don’t know what is going on anymore. I have always been like this I guess. Everything is so embarrassing to me. What is wrong with me?? Help please? I don’t know what to do anymore no one gets it and I don’t know what to do. My mom made me go to a therapist but it didnt help me, I just end up lying to them acting like everything is fine. I don’t know ughhhhh I feel like this is a never ending nightmare I just wish I was normal I hate being like this I feel like I’m just boring and awkward around other people I hate being like this so bad

Living like this is so painful I try to be normal but I just don’t know what’ll happen if I keep doing this. Please help

hello dear anon

it’s been a couple of days since you sent this message to this advice blog and i’ve been thinking since then, how to answer it. this is hard, but let me tell you one thing: your emotions are valid. you are not dumb or awkward because of them. no one is in your shoes, but of course people weight things differently. and so your problems and emotions might not be so big or important to others. i sense a lot of misunderstanding in your message.  honestly, i would have told you to see a therapist myself. you didn’t specify what therapy this was, but maybe talking about feelings is just not your thing. maybe you can express your emotions better with music or through art, there are such therapies as well. but as you know as well, it is never good to bottle emotions up for too long.  i guess my answer wasn’t very helpful, but i hope you’re keeping your head up and your heart strong!

if you ever feel like you need someone to talk or write, don’t hesitate to slide in my dm’s! 

and it's running out), we don't feel like we can share that we're also struggling to cope mentally and financially (myself and their parents live worrying about when the phone will ring and we'll have to drop everything and go see them to try and help) - please tell me if you have any ideas how to convince them to get help/that things need to change - I understand if this is a lot to ask, I'm sorry please don't worry at all if you'd rather not reply, thank you so much anyway! {- 2/2 #askadvice}

hey friend, I’m doing ok :* 

you say that therapy and getting help has been mentioned before, who spoke to them about it? did that person have a good relationship with your relative, was it someone that your relative would feel safe around and would trust and listen to? 

if therapy has been talked about before but it’s come from people that your relative might not have a good relationship with, then it could be worth talking about it again. if you personally have a good relationship with your relative then maybe you could try mentioning it to them again, they may take it a lot better and have a different perspective on things. I mean I know that when I was younger I just couldn’t listen to anything my mum suggested, but if someone else made exactly the same suggestion then I would be more likely to listen and not as dismissive haha. it could be the same for your relative too. 

keep on talking about the benefits of therapy and seeking professional help, encourage them to see a doctor – say that you’ll go with them if that makes it easier? whatever helps! encourage them as much as you can to chat to others - they say that ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’ and it’s true. talking is good, talking is healthy, it’s therapeutic. 

if therapy has been mentioned to your relative by people that they care about and trust, and it still hasn’t made any impact? sometimes there’s not much you can do ): you can only help someone if they want to be helped, yah feel? if they’re not really focused on recovering, or getting to a point where the mental illness is manageable and not controlling their life? then there’s not a lot you can do. a person has to want to improve, they need to have that fire and the desire in them, getting better from a mental illness is ultimately about choice and voluntarily wanting to do something. 

if that’s the case, then the only other thing to do is to try to be there for them when you can. if you’re not super close then work on strengthening the relationship between the two of you, and maybe encourage them to open up to you whenever they feel they need it. this post here talks about anger and how to manage it in a more healthy way, give it a read and you may find some suggestions to talk to your relative about when they feel strong desires to break things. all the best friend, let us know how things go for your relative xxx

First of all I'd like to say that you're absolutely not alone in feeling like this and it's not stupid to feel this way!

It's absolutely valid to feel vulnerable.

Being a minority you'll have a different experience from what cishet white peoples lives look like because many many people aren't willing to accept that we're equal to them. (I'm sorry this is a sort of counterproductive start but we're getting there, I hope)

Being raised in a society that still treats us as an afterthought or puts us on a lower level than the "regular" conforming cishet white guy often makes people hold prejudice they sometimes don't even realize they have and it makes being gay and especially being out as gay a really scary thought for many people because we will get treated differently (also depending on where we live and how safe it is for gay people there). Often we're seen as a joke or an aesthetic or worse we're actively despised and it's really hard for people to deal with that happening to them.

I'm sorry for the things that happened to you and I can absolutely see how they would make you feel vulnerable.

Now on how to get over it:

You shouldn't expect confidence to come over night. And you shouldn't ignore that you feel vulnerable but you can work on feeling more confident and comfortable, starting with dealing with the homophobia you've experienced and healing internally.

It might seem kinda silly or over the top of me to say that but those things absolutely leave scars and you should start by getting far enough to really believe that you are beautiful and worthy (two things that are very hard - for anyone really - to convince yourself of because loving yourself is generally frowned upon and seen as arrogant, but it's especially hard for an oppressed minority) and getting rid of internalised homophobia as best you can.

And remember that there are so many people that are unconditionally supportive and accepting of gay people (yknow as one should be) and it's getting better and better with time! And that you don't owe it to anyone to be straight

I think every queer person feels vulnerable to come out and being out and especially being fresh out is really scary!

I encourage you to talk about these things with other queer people and it'll probably make you feel less alone for feeling this way and you can share your experiences. Especially people who've been out a long time will probably have better advice than silly ol' me.

Give yourself time to work through things

Good Luck!

-Jo