#asexual regulus

Regulus is looking at James, sitting on his couch, sipping an infusion.

Confused.

James gives him a knowing smile, although what he knows is yet to be seen. “I am derailing your plan, aren’t I?”

“Yes.”

James sits more comfortably. “Tell me how.”

“…I said I wasn’t going to sleep with you.”

“Mhm yes, I heard you.”

“So what are you doing here?”

“Do you want me to leave?”

It takes Regulus longer than he would like to speak the truth, pulling him in different directions. What’s safe, and what he actually wants. "No.”

James nods, ever so calm. "I see. But you are afraid that my presence is conditional to something you must give me.”

“Maybe.”

“Has anyone ever not taken you up on your offer to leave?”

“No. People generally don’t love being rejected.”

“Ah.” James takes a sip from his infusion, while Regulus stands there, unsure. Awkward. "Why don’t you sit down.”

Regulus looks around, where he won’t be close to James, but the flat is small.

“I promise you can sit next to me, I won’t attack you.”

“Yeah, okay.” It’s so sudden and comes from the heart. Disbelief coloring all of Regulus’ letters.

And suddenly, James isn’t in a laughing mood anymore. “Oh,” he says.

“Did… did I do something wrong?”

“No.” Regulus closed his eyes, feeling tears of shame prickling at them. He knew he was wrong and messed up - broken.

Once, Narcissa had confided in him, that they must do their duty to their family. She had not wanted to give her body to her husband but Lucius had been understanding and in time, they had produced a son (his Godchild) and their intimate time had reduced to what was necessary to satisfy Lucius. It was something Narcissa could manage for she did love her husband most dearly. Regulus had then admitted his disinterest in such activities to Narcissa. Somehow, it must have been passed on to Grandfather Arcturus as only a week later he had visited to reiterated the point than an heir must be conceived. He, Arcturus, hadn’t enjoyed it but he had done his job and got his seed and Regulus wouldn’t be here if he hadn’t.

Cygnus must have heard from Narcissa as well because he come round to tell Regulus about how pleasurable it was and once he had his wife, he wouldn’t stop wanting to sleep with her.

Regulus was not inclined to agree with him.

Whatever good feelings his body had given was overwhelmed by a screaming and resounding feeling of disgust. He did not enjoy the warmth of other people and skin contact had already uncomfortable for him before the cave. Bodily fluids were worse.

He’d not once kissed Else the way his friends had with their spouses. Perhaps he should have. Maybe that made the difference?

Merlin! He was twenty, he was meant to have grown up and out of this. At some point he was meant to start liking women. Even liking men would be more acceptable at this point.

“Please, tell me, mein Schatz, what can I do to help?” Else asked.

He opened his eyes and glanced over to Else. She had pulled a silken robe around herself, and her sea-coloured eyes were almost childlike as she looked up at him. Eighteen years old and shipped off to an arranged marriage. As hard as this was for him, it could not be easier for her. She had no friends here and few who would talk to her in her native language. Else was alone.

“I don’t… I don’t… Mein Liebling, ich weiß nicht.“

She gave a gentle sigh and took a seat on the closed toilet lid.

“We will learn what our bodies like in time. For now, let us sleep. Lass uns schlafen.”

“Do you think…. I mean, we did it? That’ll be enough, you should conceive, right?” Regulus asked, trying not to sound like all his hope rested on doing it once.

Else laughed.

“It can take many attempts.”

Regulus shuddered and focused on stripping his body of any signs or residues before turning the tap off and towelling himself dry.

“But that’s why mother is demanding we go by the old tradition. We have to conceive and then everything can be sorted.” He groaned. How much more of this would she expect of him?

“It is not too strange, when there is only one child left to carry the name. She wants assurances” Else agreed, then after a pause: “Does she know?”

“I think she suspects.” Regulus sighed. His mother wouldn’t have hastily arranged the match otherwise. Her health was fading, and she wanted an heir, ideally a son. She had stopped just shy of forcing Regulus into an Unbreakable Vow to have a son. He wasn’t convinced she still would not resort to that.

“I could present my back? That way you might imagine me otherwise?” Else suggested.

“What good would that do?” Regulus frowned in confusion, looking over to her.

“You might imagine me a man if it may help? You like men, yes?”

Regulus blinked.

His mind briefly tried to see himself liking men and he shook his head violently.

“I… I don’t like the idea of sex. With anyone. It’s base, it’s got bodies involved, fluids. It’s-”

“Gross?” Else suggested and Regulus was not certain if she were making a pun or not. Else smiled and quickly added: “Grim? Ghastly?”

Regulus gave a quick nod.

“Hm. Then I do not know if this may help but although I too find it a grim duty, I did not mind you and thought I might rather grow to enjoy it. You are kind and gentle. I had not thought to be so fortunate.”

“That says so much about our society.” Regulus muttered darkly, glancing down at his arm and the faint red mark against it. No magic had been able to remove this scar from his life. A naïve child’s pledge of servitude that he would have to live with for his life. It did not matter what he had done to bring down the Dark Lord, Regulus would never forget that he had sworn himself into that.

How different was marriage?

Regulus shook his head. Not a helpful thought.

“It is what it is. We do what we must to continue our line.” Else said softly, gently taking his hand as she lead him back to bed.

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Regulus felt flushed that his mother had made him go to St Mungo’s. But it was that or her threats to make certain that he fulfilled his marriage duty every night. He would not be surprised if she would stand over the bed to ensure he planted his seed so to speak. He wondered if it would be any easier if she cast the imperious curse over him.

It wasn’t like he hadn’t been trying. Else had been very patient with him over it, but he’d only been successful a handful of times and the lack of a positive pregnancy test was constantly looming.

“Reg!”

Regulus ignored the voice yet the sound of hurried footsteps made their way over to him.

“Reg, are you OK? What are you doing here? I heard about your arranged marriage-”

“Please, Sirius, cease your incessant questionings.”

Regulus had kept Sirius out of Azkaban after the fall of the Dark Lord, however it did not mean he wanted anything to do with his brother. As far as he was concerned, he had paid his debt to Sirius for all that he had done in childhood. Their relationship was over.

“I don’t even get an invite to my own brother’s engagement party, and you refuse to tell me anything about her.” Sirius said. “I’m starting to think you don’t want me around.”

“You’re disowned.” Regulus pointed out tiredly as he scanned the map. Right, that was where the fertility ward was.

He headed off, hoping that Sirius would leave him but instead his brother followed.

“The Fertility Ward?” Sirius said, noting his direction. “Oh! Mother wants you to produce an heir before the wedding – the old customs. So, where’s the girl? Shouldn’t she be coming?”

“She’s not the issue.” Regulus said shortly.

“Hah.” Sirius snorted. “Impotent sperm, I knew that the family would breed itself out eventually.”

“It’s not…” Regulus stopped himself.

There was a pause.

“Oh.” Sirius said softly.

His brother grabbed his arm and pulled him away, waving his wand to open a closet before closing the door.

“Lumos.” Sirius muttered, giving them light.

“What are you doing?” Regulus hissed.

“You don’t like women.” Sirius said softly.

“I don’t see what that’s got to do with it.”

“Do you like men? Because healing has come a long way since then. You don’t need a willing female participant to sleep with, we’ve got ways around that.”

“No!” Regulus exclaimed, feeling his face redden.

Sirius frowned.

“Oh.” He said softly. Sirius’ brow furrowed in thought before he looked back up at Regulus. “You just aren’t interested?”

Regulus bit his lip.

Sirius gave a laugh.

“You know, when I put up those muggle photos, grandfather said he was in two minds about me. On one hand I should have been bent double by his wand for engaging with muggles but on the other at least I was a first born showing a virulent interest in sex. Apparently, our family isn’t known for it.”

“At least others can do their duty.” Regulus said.

Sirius looked sad all of a sudden.

“You don’t have to, Reg.”

“What? And let the House die? No. And I’m not letting it continue down your line with whatever mongrel children you’d make.”

“I could still marry a pureblood princess, I’ll have you know.”

“You’d marry a muggle.”

“Yeah, probably.” Sirius conceded. “But look, I’m not going to stop you going to get advice but I’m working there. After James and Lily… and I can’t look after Harry... I started working on the whole fertility and children side of things. I want to be involved in making life, something positive. And I know I’m biased and all, but I can give you a private consultation over coffee.”

“Sirius, we aren’t friends, we aren’t even on speaking terms.”

“Reg, you’re still my brother.”

“You’re disowned.”

“So what?”

Regulus stared at him.

“Look, I’m not going to say anything official because you know I’m your brother and all but if you haven’t got anything booked, I can at least tell you what I know, so you don’t go in unprepared.”

Regulus frowned.

“Look, we’ll meet in a muggle café, no one will recognise you.”

“I’m not going to a muggle café. We are not on good terms. We aren’t meant to talk.”

“Yeah, I know.” Sirius said, taking out a pad of paper from his pocket and quickly scrawling down something with a hideously muggle implement.

Regulus sniffed in contempt.

“Oh get over yourself, I can’t carry a quill and ink pot around to take notes.” Sirius said, tearing the paper out of the pad and shoving it into his hand.

“That’s directions to a nice café, I’ll even dress fancy for you. You don’t have to be there, but I will. Saturday, 3pm.”

“Why will you be there?” Regulus asked. Was Sirius not even earning enough with his work here?

Poverty must be terrible. Regulus couldn’t imagine having to hold one job, let alone two, to have a decent life.

“Because I’m meeting you there and if you’re too coward to show, maybe I’ll pick someone up.” Sirius said, giving him a look.

Regulus stared down at the address.

“It’s muggle.” He said.

“Of course, but if you want to meet in the wizarding world…”

Sirius let the question hang in the air.

Regulus looked away.

“I’m not coming.”

“Fine. I won’t see you there.” Sirius grinned, opening the door and stepping out. “Until Saturday baby brother.”

“Wait, how nice is this café?” Regulus said, following his brother out of the closet.

“Well, let me put it this way, I wouldn’t be inviting you there if Uncle Alphard hadn’t left me a very large sum.” Sirius winked and then he was walking away, leaving Regulus with an address clutched in his hand.

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Saturday came and Regulus reflected, as he sat in the café, receiving many a look, that perhaps he had not been the best person to figure out how he should dress for the muggle world.

His outfit was muggle, and it was nice. He had gone to one of their upmarket shops and the staff there had been decent. They had called him sir and followed his wishes. Better than he would have expected from their common sort – although he had gone to the most expensive shop in London he could find. Regulus had thought that their smiles had been somewhat strange but the only way to acquire muggle clothing was to go to their world to buy some and his most tame robes likely stood out.

Now he suspected that their glances had rather more been a judgement of what he was looking to buy.

Regulus smoothed out his floor length silk dress. It was a lot better than the dress many of the women here wore. One wore fake velvet and many of them had purchased off the rack. Regulus’ had been tailored to fit his body and he wore it better than most of the people sitting here.

The silk was a dusky purple with a silver chiffon over it, giving a beautiful sheen when he moved. It was near good enough to be worn as a robe in the wizarding world. Regulus had felt rather confident about it.

“Merlin, you stand out.” It was Sirius. “If I’d known you were going to dress as such, I’d have invited you to a very different place.”

He was wearing what the muggle men wore. Strange hose which were much more confining on the crotch area than anyone would reasonably wish.

Regulus wrinkled his nose.

“I’m not some muggle lover who knows how they dress. Why do they have different outfits for the sexes?”

“Well, it’s more of a social thing. Women often wear trousers these days although men don’t get to wear dresses. Not in delicate society like this. I’m amazed they haven’t kicked you out.”

Regulus blinked slowly.

“I’m starting to think that maybe I shouldn’t have switched sides.” He said dryly.

“Oh ha ha, very funny.” Sirius deadpanned, pulling out a seat. He did not look amused.

“Honestly, men always have to dress like that?” Regulus said, giving a nod towards Sirius before hushing his voice, a delicate tint to his cheeks. “Isn’t it constricting? Doesn’t there needs to be airflow down there to keep everything in order.”

“I can assure you that wearing trousers does not decrease your fertility if that’s what you’re worried about.” Sirius shortly, waving at a waiter to beckon them over.

“Should I pretend to be foreign?” Regulus hissed.

Sirius looked bemused.

“I read a pamphlet, it said that muggles are more forgiving if your foreign and one is less likely to fall foul of the statue of secrecy.” He said hurriedly.

“Oh sure, why not? Not that I think it’ll help you stick out any less. Just don’t do German.” Sirius said, clearly humouring him. Regulus did not like it.

“Υεια σας. Θα ήθελα έναν καφέ, σκέτο, παρακαλώ.” Regulus said to the waiter.

Sirius placed his hand in his head.

“He would like a coffee, black. Please forgive my brother, he’s not been here long – first time coming out to visit me. Um, espresso, right?” Sirius said, glancing at Regulus.

“Ναι.”

“Good. And I’ll have a tea with milk and sugar. And can we have an afternoon for two?”

“Of course, sirs.” The waiter said, shooting a glance at Regulus.

“Thank you.” Sirius said firmly before glancing at Regulus. “Τώρα, πρέπει να μιλάμε Ελληνικά;”

“Έντάξει.” Regulus agreed, glad that Sirius had kept up with his Greek. It certainly would be easier to continue their conversation in another language. Their mother’s side may have had Germanic ties but that didn’t mean Greek and Latin had not been equally important. They’d ended up with modern Greek as father had some distant relatives over there and should they have gone to Durmstrang, it would have provided an extra pool of contacts.

“You really look like you’re a bad drag queen, Reg.” Sirius said, continuing in Greek.

“Drag Queen?”

“Ugh, complicated. Men who like dressing as women, or want to be women. Both are valid.” Sirius said, giving Regulus a look.

“Muggles are so primitive. It is silly to restrict people to certain garments.” Regulus muttered.

“Yeah it is. Like it’s silly to kill people for saying they deserve not to be second class citizens.” Sirius said, giving Regulus a look.

Regulus pressed his lips together.

“They were fighting against us Sirius.”

“No, they were asking for rights. People like me were fighting against you and while I’m still angry at the loss of my friends, I’ll let it slide because we did fight. What I won’t let slide is the politicians and activists who only wanted to talk through issues, who then had their families murdered and tortured. I’ll put up with a reasonable amount of shit because you’re my brother and Merlin knows why but I care, but that’s why I’m here, dolled up to the nine and ready to talk about your asexuality – I researched it for you, by the way – but just don’t go into how you are better than others for not having their specific prejudices when you are blatantly ignoring your own.”

Regulus bit back his reply, staring at his hands. He had wanted to argue that the innocents didn’t suffer, the Dark Lord had made it so clear how they weren’t innocent, but somehow, it did not feel right.

“You okay with that?” Sirius asked, his voice softer.

“I just…. How can they be better than us when they don’t let people wear whatever they want or dislike the Germans?” He asked.

“I’m not saying muggles are better than witches and wizards. It’s not right that they have some strange hang ups on how people dress or come from. But you know, you’re here because you feel you have to produce a child, even if it is against your wishes and we have our hang ups over where people come from as well, it’s just less over language borders and more over the non-magical to magical border.”

Regulus took in a slow breath and looked around the muggles here.

When he had fought for the Dark Lord, he would have had had himself rule over them. He viewed them as not much better than cattle. Did he still think that? The answer was… closer to yes than he’d have thought or liked. He certainly thought himself better than them, but he could see a young couple, hesitant as they enjoyed champagne, the woman taking the opportunity to brush her hand against his. Then there was a family, the children kicking their feet under the table much in the way that he and Sirius used to. A single man read the newspaper, chuckling to himself on occasion, his lips twitching up in a smile.

They were people and that was been a hard thing to realise.

Regulus sighed.

“You said you can help me with my issue?” He asked, eyes averted.

“Your issue with producing an issue?” Sirius said with a smirk on his lips. “Yeah, I can. Did you end up booking in for an appointment?”

“No. I decided you might spare me some of the embarrassment.”

“Well, first thing’s first, there’s nothing wrong with being asexual, Reg.”

“What is it?”

Sirius paused, thoughtful.

“Well, it’s something that the muggles figured out for once. Asexual is the absence of sexual attraction to people. There’s not a lot of research on it sadly. I think it might be the expectation of people to push through, bit like what you’re doing, really. So first of all, I want you to know, that I will stand with you, whatever you decide. If you want to give up on this sham of a marriage, I’ll do what I can to support you. Your identity is important and you shouldn’t have to be something you’re not.”

Sirius then leaned forward and placed a hand over Regulus’, a thumb brushing over his hand where the family ring sat heavy on his index finger. Regulus tolerated the touch for a second before pulling his hand away.

“Sirius, I can’t. I’m the last chance. Even if Bella or Cissa had married later with a son in the mainline, we couldn’t have asked their husbands to take our name. They had two of us, one of us should produce an heir of decent breeding.”

“Let the line die.” Sirius said callously and Regulus frowned.

“I will not listen to slander, Sirius. I’ve already been lenient in talking to you, let alone agreeing to coming to this muggle place.”

Sirius’ lips pursed and he looked like he wanted to say more but he gave a nod. The death of the Potters had mellowed him.

“Do you like her?” He asked softly.

“Who?”

“Your betrothed.”

“Oh.” Regulus said, glancing down at the table. “Mother knows me well. Else is a Quidditch player as well – she was a chaser at Durmstrang. Should the marriage go ahead, we’ve been thinking about funding a Quidditch club for home schooled children and those too young for Hogwarts. She also seems amenably to my plans to increase awareness over how magical beings should be treated more as part of our society.”

“And how does she feel about the marital bed issues?”

Regulus blushed. He wished he didn’t.

“She… is not as opposed to it as I am, although I do think she shares my disdain for the mess. She takes the lead in bed. I think this betrothal is important for her. If we don’t get an issue, there’d be talk and I do not think she wants that.”

“Is the mess the main issue? I know you always struggled with that sort of thing.”

“No. Well, not the main issue but it is an issue. A large one.” Regulus said, staring at his plate. As awkward as this was, he reminded himself, it would be more awkward to have to discuss this with a stranger. “I find the whole… bodily fluid aspect most off putting but I….”

“Does it hurt?” Sirius asked.

“What?”

“Does it hurt when you are trying to get it up?”

“No! It’s…. It does feel pleasant when I can get that far. It can feel good even. But getting to a stage where that even is possible is hard. My whole being is screaming no, that something is wrong. More often than not I have to stop because it’s too much and I just can’t.”

“Well, at least that sounds like it’s your own identity and nothing more serious.”

“Nothing more serious?”

“There’s-” Sirius paused, looking up at the waiter who arrived with their drinks.

“Σε παρακαλούμε.” Regulus smiled.

“Um, thank you.” Sirius said. “From both of us.”

A tray was placed on their table. There were sandwiches, scones and cake. Regulus was mostly glad to receive his coffee, which he wrapped his hands around.

“Are you still practicing Dark Magic?” Sirius asked, switching back to Greek.

“Why should that matter?”

“It’s not good for your circulation.” Sirius said, eyeing his hands wrapped around the coffee. “I worked as a first aider during the war. We got a lot of people in for things like that.”

“I’m only casually practicing.” Regulus said softly. “And none of the harmful stuff. Just magic with a higher price than some are willing to pay, but that is not why I’m here.”

Sirius took a breath.

“Yes, of course. But as a medical practitioner, I do recommend reducing or stopping the amount of Dark Magic you are using.” Sirius said. “As for producing an issue, there’s several different methods. One of the old ones used for homosexual couples and likely a few asexual ones, is the consensual use of love potions. If your betrothed slips you a measured dose before you intend attempt to conceive, the potion will override your own will. Personally, I find it rather distasteful, but the results are a pleasurable night since the potion has taken over.”

Regulus shuddered.

“Um… There’s… I have extra layers to this.” He said, looking down as he took a sip of coffee. “I… When I changed sides….” He hadn’t told Sirius this. Only those who needed to know so they might acquit him had been told. “I did something to help bring down the Dark Lord… I… I nearly died in the attempt. He had a lake filled with inferi. It is… hard for me to not feel their…” His voice shook and Sirius reached out to touch him before withdrawing his hand, realising he could not offer such comfort.

“Reg.” He said softly. “Have…. Have you been seeing anyone?”

He shook his head.

Sirius sighed.

“Well, we’ve got some very fine mind healers should you wish to work on that, and I can certainly say we’ll keep love potion out of the way. They would be wrong for you. When it comes to meeting officially with a healer, you can tell them you’ve had a bad experience with physical contact, no need to elaborate. Get another healer if they don’t respect that.”

Regulus gave a nod.

“Hey, Regulus?”

“Hm?”

“You do know I’m proud of you, for switching sides. And I am grateful that you kept me out of Azkaban after James and Lily…” It was Sirius’ turn to have a shaking voice.

Regulus again gave a slow nod and focused on his scone and carefully slicing it open.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t save them.” Regulus finally said into the silence.

“Yeah, well…” Sirius started to prepare his scone, staring at the table. He blinked a few times and Regulus pretended not to notice the tear that fell from his eyes. “Another option for you is to get your sperm into a beaker which we then use to artificially inseminate your wife.”

Regulus paused, considering this abrupt return. They were not friends. Sirius did not need him to ask.

“That would mean I would have to…” His cheeks flushed.

“Masturbate into a tube, yes.” Sirius said.

“And what if you don’t like doing that?”

Sirius cocked his head. Regulus looked down at his scone.

“I really have no interest in any of it. Even before… what happened.”

“I’m not invalidating you, Reg. That’s completely fine. And struggling with trauma is okay as well. I was just thinking about mother and how she must feel about this. Has she been treating you okay?”

“She doesn’t know how bad it is.” Regulus said softly.

“How you feel, Reg, not how bad it is.” Sirius said firmly. “This is fine and normal. I mean… can you imagine…” Sirius frowned, as if looking for something. “Mother sleeping with McGonagall?”

Regulus chocked on his scone.

“Right, see! Strange. She almost certainly wouldn’t.”

“I can’t imagine mother spending the night with anyone other than father.” Regulus muttered.

“Oh… did mother explain that people do have sex outside of wedlock?” Sirius asked, smirk on his lips.

Regulus wrinkled his nose.

“I don’t understand that.”

“Feels good.” Sirius shrugged.

“So do a myriad of things. It doesn’t mean we indulge in them outside of their correct hours.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow. Regulus sighed.

“I think I understand it. It’s like… haggis. I enjoy it but you only ever managed to tolerate it on Burns Night and once you were at Hogwarts, you stopped eating it. Liking haggis isn’t strange, nor is disliking it.”

“Yeah.” Sirius said softly. “You are fine, even if you won’t ever touch haggis again despite enjoying the fact that it was food in your stomach.”

Regulus blinked. He hadn’t thought of that, but mother had often starved them if she thought that they might disgrace the family by not finishing their food.

“Oh.” He said softly.

“So if you don’t want to donate the sperm through masturbation, we do have magic that can help but it is more invasive and generally used when there are other health complications. I’d recommend trying to get some out through masturbation when you feel able and then performing a freezing charm on them. One way would be to have your fiancé manually insert the sperm but the better option, in my opinion, would be to come into the clinic once you’ve got a sample. We can perform some stronger charms to keep the sperm fresh, then monitor your fiancé’s fertility to increase the chance of a successful conception.”

“Right.” He could manage that. Probably.

“Regulus, you are aware that mother will want you to be married as soon as you’ve got an heir. That means there’s another person there and their emotional needs are also important.”

Regulus bit his lip.

“I’ll be able to support her financially and we have our Quidditch plans.” He said softly.

“What if she wants sex? What if she wants other declarations of love?”

“I can buy her flowers if she so desires.”

“It’s not the same.” Sirius said softly. “You need to talk to her about what you want and expect out of this and she to you.”

Regulus sniffed.

“I could…” But he couldn’t. He had no desire to hold hands or provide hugs born out of romance. He did not think that he might even care enough to give a kiss outside of that which duty demanded of him. “I had thought that marriage and life as a married couple would bring me the expected feelings. I can love my family so why couldn’t someone brought into the family achieve the same feeling?”

“That’s only one part of the love between a couple and no less a valuable love.” Sirius explained. “But you have to talk to her Reg. Talk to her, then, if you still want to go ahead with this, come to us. And write to me, if you want or need to. I’m here for you.”

Regulus’ eyes flickered over Sirius and he wondered how much Sirius needed him. Potter was dead, Pettigrew had become a traitor and that left Sirius with only one friend. The four had been so tight knit that they had needed little else.

“Okay.” Regulus agreed, his voice little more than a whisper but Sirius beamed.

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“You do not want sex.” Else stated.

“Yes. Nor do I desire physical contact.”

She sat awkwardly on the bed, dressed in her night wear.

“It does not mean that I could not grow to care for you as family, just that these are things I do not think I am capable of feeling.” Regulus continued, feeling almost nervous. It had been so much easier to discuss with Sirius at the café. He felt rather naked and vulnerable.

“Am I not…. To your liking?” Else asked.

“No one is.”

“I do not understand.”

“I don’t… I don’t feel any desire to have sex or engage in couple like activities. It like an absence of feeling. Apparently it’s normal.”

“How can you know, if it is an absence?” Else asked.

“I don’t know. But everyone else seems to get these emotions which I do not.” Regulus sighed and sat down on his chair.

“I can’t offer sex and I cannot offer much in the way of romance. What I can provide is a home, kindness and loyalty. We can run our Quidditch club together, if you still want me and I am happy to be a dance partner at galas.”

Else frowned.

“And the bedroom?”

“I… would prefer separate but that is negotiable. Sharing a room with our own beds would not be an issue and I think with time, I could learn to more happily share a bed if that is what you prefer.”

“A loveless marriage.” She said softly, staring at her hands. Regulus frowned.

“Else, I care for you as a person. I would want you to be happy with me and whatever situation we have. If our arrangement would be without love for you, I will talk mother around so you may be happy with someone who can give what I cannot.”

She sighed and let her hair down.

“You are a nice man, Regulus. I shall have to think on this.”

Regulus gave a curt nod. That he could deal with. There was no reason to suspect that this would be something that she could answer with ease.

“I am sorry, for encouraging sex. I did not know you felt that way.” Her voice was quieter. “I had thought that perhaps I was doing something wrong.”

Regulus gave a small laugh.

“No, it’s not you. It was never you. Mother expects me to produce an heir, I just had not thought I could find a work around. I was grateful for your encouragements at the time, as much as sex…” He gave a shudder and rubbed the back of his neck.

“It is icky.” Else agreed, a small smile on her lips.

_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_

“Is she gone?” Regulus heard a whisper in his ear and glanced behind him.

“Sirius, you shouldn’t skulk.” He chided.

“Is she gone?”

“Yes, Kreacher has taken mother home to rest.” He said, shaking his head. He had come to tolerate Sirius and his antics. Sirius needed people and in all honesty, was only just starting to recover from the loss of the Potters.

“Right, let me see my nephew.”

“How do you know he’s a boy?”

“Because I asked the midwife, you dolt. Besides, it’d be in the news anyway.”

“Fine.” Regulus agreed, rolling his eyes and shifting to let Sirius come through the curtains. Else was cradling the tiny bundle in her arms.

“Darf ich, mein Schatz?” Regulus asked. He had gotten better at sweet talk although he felt he could not take it further than that. Society did not seem to mind the lack of affection between them but more importantly, Else did not feel like she was missing out.

She gave a tired nod and Regulus carefully shifted the baby (his son!) into his arms.

“Hallo, Sirius.” She greeted, glancing up at the intruder.

“Hallo, Else. Schön wie immer.“ Sirius grinned. He had a nasty habit of flirting with married women, but Regulus had learnt he would never take it further. His brother was odd but kind. He tried not to judge.

“This is Arcturus Sirius Black.” He said softly, shifting his son so Sirius could look at the tiny pink face.

“I’m honoured!” Sirius exclaimed.

“Sh.” Else hissed at him.

Sirius had the good sense to look abashed.

“You told me how to make this work, one might even say you played a part in his conception.”

“Ew, Reg. I do not play a part in the conception of every couple I help – that is incredibly gross.” Sirius said.

Regulus rolled his eyes. He was surprised Sirius had ignored the rather more important aspect of having Sirius in little Arcturus’ name.

“I told mother about the help you gave. After she screeched down a storm about helping me to live in my strange and loveless ways, she eventually accepted that without you, there’d be no heir.” Regulus said.

“I’m not talking to that hag, even if she’s pretending not to hate me. I know how that works.”

“Do I have to spell it out?” Regulus asked softly.

Sirius blinked.

“No shouting.” Else hissed, although her eyes sparkled with amusement as she watched from her bed.

“No. You and mother did not un-disown me. You did not!” Sirius said, barely able to keep quiet.

“Afraid so, although you are not to inherit.”

“I am not being tied to that stupid house.” Sirius growled.

“You aren’t. You’re out of the will, you owe us nothing and as far as the world is concerned, nothing has changed. But the name Sirius will remain in the family and should you need us, we can actually help you. Mother doesn’t expect to have to talk to you although I would appreciate it if you tried.”

Sirius looked rather taken back.

“We do like you, Sirius.” Else said. “And would like you to be part of the family. It is easier if you are not disowned.”

“I don’t like this.”

“I’m sure little Arcturus would appreciate having an Uncle he can see on the family tree.” Regulus said.

“You put me back on the tree?”

“After much difficulty, yes.”

“I’m leaving.”

“The family or this little section of the room?”

“Both.” Sirius huffed, stalking over to the curtain.

“Do you want to hold Arcturus?” Regulus asked. Sirius paused and rushed back.

“Thought you’d never ask.” He beamed and Regulus carefully handed over the precious bundle before taking a seat next to his wife. Her hand was palm was up, ever an offer without the pressure to engage. Regulus allowed a breath and placed his own hand over hers but briefly.

“You did well, Else.” He smiled at her before returning his hand to himself. He did care for her and she had become family but his skin still crawled at the notion of romantic gestures. He did what he could to show what he did feel and did not feel lesser for it.

Sirius was smiling down at the baby, crooning softly.