#arospec vent

“omfg just kiss them” or “look at that face! how could you not!” or “just doo it”

I think back to the days in which, when I was a young kid, I never felt any attraction to anyone other than strictly platonical feelings or big desires to be someone's friend. But I never really got to love someone romantically. I never really had one of those childhood crushes. I genuinely thought that something was wrong with me and I tried to force myself to think that I liked one of my friends, but I genuinely didn't. He's a solid guy, definitely, but I just wasn't into him. I never really thought too much about romance afterwards, but I was more interesed on making friends and showing them that I love them.

One of my best friends confessed his feelings to me once, and even though our relationship was just healing and such, even though he was trying to be a good guy, I just wasn't interesed either. I don't think I would have had been if we were okay either. But it passed quickly and our relationship is like. Found family now. He's like my brother now.

Then I think back to other "relationships" I had. I can't even call them that because that wasn't love. That was straight up messed up stuff. But I genuinely thought I loved these people too, but I just wanted to be their friend in truth and was used to fulfill a hole of someone that was gone.

I think back on healthy relationships I had. I never really felt romantic love of sorts. But I didn't want them to be sad about it. They were my friends. I forced myself to love them like that. But deep down I knew that I wouldn't be able to love them the way they deserved to be loved. So those relationships/friendships were cut after I realized that I was AroAce.

I never felt romantic or sexual attraction towards anyone. Never. In my life, I never did have felt attraction. There was a point in which I thought I was pan, because I genuinely didn't care for people, but that's the thing. I don't mind people because I don't have a preference. I don't have a preference because I am arromantic.

I love people. But in the way that someone would love their best friend. In a queerplatonic or just platonic way, I think. I love my best friends and I want to be there to cherish them. I love my friends and I want to be there with them. I wanna be there to vouch them in anything they went through.

I may never experience what the whole romance deal is, ever, I may never be able to understand how it feels to have butterflies other than stuff I like in fiction, I will never be able to truthfully say, "I think I'm in love", I will never be able to reciprocate romantic feelings, I will never be able to know what it is to be loved that way,

And.

That's okay.

I am okay with that.

Because I am loved in many other ways.

not fulfilling these expectations or desires the way you’re ‘supposed’ to means you don’t love people right, the way they rightfully deserve, and you should feel ashamed for failing to live up to the role as normal

I become like. A way worse and more shallow version of myself when I think someone is paying attention to how I look. I hate it. So as a result, I resent the feeling of having a crush or when someone likes me sexually/romantically.

"Aw romance is sweet, what's gross is when they only like you sexually" first of all, not everyone feels romantic attraction, especially not to the same degrees. And sexual-only attraction isnt gross. Second, how you or I feel abt romance is subjective. You can feel objectified by romantic attraction just as badly.

When someone puts you on a pedestal or says they "love you" before they even know you, yeah that's objectifying. Maybe for you it feels less unpleasant, but for me it feels like part of my humanity just vanished, like they don't even see me as a whole human being instead of an object of affection.